Lundy Bancroft

[exhausted2011]

Feel like I need a bloody great highlighter pen, and then throw the thing at DH.
Reading this on the tube, open mouthed. Unbelievable. About 95% is spot on.
I can't help him can I?

Have not read the book, but have bought it, it arrived yesterday, with another book called "a child called it" [managed to read that book last night, sad, sad life of a young child]
Ted Lundy is an expert is abuse and control in males,he has done massive research with victims of abuse, if you recognise 95% of the content of the book, it does sound alarming

Lundy bancroft I meant, sorry very early morning

Also, just wanted to ask, prior to reading the book, did you think you was a victim of a controlling man?

No you can't help him but this book will certainly help you.

Controlling men are often angry as well, your safety is of paramount importance here.

If you have not already spoken to Womens Aid I would urge you to do so.

I've known, but thought it could be fixed. Felt some kind of obligation to fix him. Always making excuses for him, but hating it. But I never understood why, and since his proclamations of love are endless, I believed he loved me.

I have tried to end the relationship before
Feel very very strange.
I felt a bit empowered at first, now I just want to cry.

I'm not in any danger, don't worry.

from one who has ended the relationship, but is STILL too scared to read the book.

How can WE help you?

Hissy - why too scared to read it? Just wondering.

IME, when I read it very shortly after escaping, and also found 95% accurate, it really helped label him and protected me from any possible self-blame that may have crept in over the years. (It was 8 years ago now).

exhausted, you say you're not in danger. I assume you've left then? I hope you stay strong and the book keeps you from believing any further lies from him. Hugs from me too.

no, mosp, I haven't left, but he is away at the moment.

what a waste of time and energy

i don't know where to start
I don't know how anyone can help
I just have to leave him
Well, get him to leave.

keep reading and re-reading - it helps to understand.

then make practical plans.

MOSP, Dunno, had to read my way out of depression, so perhaps it's something to do with that, but the fact that if I read it it'll be more 'real'. That actually all his protestations of I don't realise I'm doing it, I didn't mean it are all bollocks and he really is a scheming psychotic bastard, who I was stupid enough to suffer 10 years with.

However bad he ends up being in the book, it's the abject failure of me to have put up with him for so long and worse to inflict him as a father upon my son.

OK So I couldn't have done anything about it, but I could have bloody left, I didn't have to have a son with him. I need to read it don't I?

I'll try and get it out to read over the weekend. There. I'll try!

LittleMissHissyFit -I think it explains a lot, no doesn't explain it exactly, that's not the right word.
But it will take a lot of the blame/responsibility away from you.

Most self help books, set the scene, so that YOU come up with the explanation that fits YOUR circumstances.

I'll try and read it, though looking forward to it as much as I do to have to call him for DS to speak to him...

Part of me also has said that I have spent 10 years living with him, taking this crap, now he's gone, I just want a rest from dealing with it all. Does that make sense?

i wouldn't really call it a self help book, as it is all based on his research

the rest away from thinking about it makes perfect sense!
i wish i could do that

LMHF - completely understand why you don't want to read it now he's away. You probably want a complete break - but once read you know you're completely and 100% vindicated.

That's great to hear giveitago! thanks

why dont you go straight onto It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence [Paperback]
Meg Kennedy Dugan
www.amazon.co.uk/Its-My-Life-Now-Relationship/dp/0415923581

which covers some of the same ground as LB

this one is a self help style eg quesitonnnanires for you to go thru . but good.

In my relationship with my ex I used to feel that I was the one causing problems and he constantly used to belittle me until my self esteem hit rock bottom.

A friend suggested I read this book and I'm so glad I did, I got rid of the ex and now I have my life back !

My only regret is that I didn't read it sooner as I would have realized that I was in an abusive relationship, abuse is not always physical but emotional or psychological abuse can be as damaging. With the help of this book, I feel that I can read the potential signs of an abusive person early on and steer well clear!

LMHF - I ADMIRE you - you are way.

I admire anyone that has the strength to leave

It's only when you have as break from whoever is controlling you, and you learn to admit that not everything they do is nice.

Being on here too makes you think, you see behaviour, phrases, treatment like you go through, sometimes even less extreme and the resultant chorus of He's an abusive controlling arse' is deafening.

Then you think, you start to feel a little stronger, a little more indignant in a tiny, below the radar area. Then that seed of indignation grows as the fog of control lifts.

Bit by bit, you get there. The last leap is the physical one. The one that takes you out of where you are being made to feel rubbish, worthless and old.

Unless we are in extreme and immediate physical danger, getting out can be pushed down our priorities. When it's like this, we have to set our minds free first.

I don't think I could have done this, could have let him go back, could have stood up for myself had it not been for MN. Advice, support, ranting and a bloody good laugh/swear/cry make llife so much better. The messages of love and support I have had since XH left were just astonishing, I felt utterly blessed, and eternally grateful.

Have you all seen the thread about the OP daring to get her hair cut the way she wants to? chilling. Makes my stomach turn over.

You can't live like that. Every time I wavered, I reminded myself that I'd never go on holiday with him, he'd never want to take me out, he'd sit and sulk every birthday my one and only son has, because he literally can't bear anyone around him being happy. He'd try to sabotage any decent friendships I make, he'd refuse to entertain them, associate with them or support the friendship. A lifetime of having to remind him to take DS out to get me something for MY birthday, and him not doing it.

Since he left, I found the Venus Fly trap I bought 2 years ago, destroyed. He did it, because I had said that even as a young girl I always wanted one.

It's the silly things like my plant that keep me strong. Funnily enough, it's destruction was probably the saddest thing he's done, because it is so petty.

Like giving up smoking, you have to find your own crowbar to lever you out of this. The one thing to hang onto to keep you focussed.

Putting the pieces back together afterwards? This is where I am, and this is my next journey. I'm so glad I have MN to lean on.

I didn't physically leave. I stayed here, he went to his country.

I too admire those that collect themselves and leave, it takes a darn sight more courage than dumping someone at the airport.

The only 'courage' I had was the strength to let him go IYKWIM and not to cave to pressure from him to make up.

I think i get where you're coming from LMHF. My situation was different, and for me reading the book was a liberation. You're also right that it is easier to 'get out' when in immediate physical danger. In a weird sense, I was glad my ex was violent as well as abusive emotionally and mentally.

Just read it when you're ready. With all things like this, no one can force anyone to do something before they are in the right place emotionally.

Exhausted, will you be around later this evening? Are you ready to leave? I think if you need support, there'll be more people around later on. I will also try to come on. Supposed to be looking after my children right now :)

.......I leave them for five minutes to post here, and one of them has 'accidentally' squirted toothpaste all over the other's shoulder.

I'm at work right now, so can't post much, but thank you all for your insightful posts.
Re leaving, I don't think I should leave our house with DS, it would be a lot easier if he left, we have discussed this before now.
I have one week left at work,(contract) so I could go to parents then for a break while he moves out.
Don't know how it's going to work.
We have been at this point before and he begs and begs because he doesn't want to live in a different house to DS. But TBH, he doesn't see that much of him anyway and DS doesn't miss him.
I wish I could persuade him that he doesn't love me and that being separated will be better for all of us. Neither of us is happy.

But I probably need more successful leaving stories for inspiration!

Hope someone else can advise on how to force him out. To do that, you'll have to be 'ready' to face all the consequences and not look back. The begging, the threats etc. etc.

If he's dangerous, you'll have to just leave and trust it will work out. When I left, we had a few hurriedly packed bin bags and I had no clue whether I'd ever get back home. Didn't think about long-term future (which is very much against the grain for me) because the immediate risk was so high.

You're right that the best time to get rid is before your ds gets to the stage where he's been polluted. It's perfect timing if atm ds doesn't miss him.

Take care xx

LittleMissHissyFit, I also "dumped" mine at the airport, it was so embarrasing, he made such a scene - threatening me if I didn't give him X £, he'd take his son!! , he was 6 months at the time -

but the beauty of that was the sense of absolute relief and freedom I had as he went thru passport control! And never to darken my door again!

(We went there last month to visit the family - who are wonderful - my son is a teenager, and he is totally cool with his dad, no hang-ups, and could see the advantages of him not being around when he was growing up!)

Haven't read Lundy Bancroft (yet), wishing all you lovely ladies struggling at various stages of getting/being free of a controlling, (violent) man lots of strength and success!!