Lundy Bancroft

[exhausted2011]

Feel like I need a bloody great highlighter pen, and then throw the thing at DH.
Reading this on the tube, open mouthed. Unbelievable. About 95% is spot on.
I can't help him can I?

ShortArse you do NOT sound like a nutjob! You sound like a formerly controlled person. Don't even put yourself down!!!!

It just sounds so ridiculous when I try and explain it - I mean, there was an approved way to reverse the car up the drive and if I didn't reverse properly on the drive he would stand in front of the car and stop me.

I feel like all kinds of a fool because I put up with it for so so long

Mine was an Egyptian too!!
Also got me when weak and vulnerable (had been on a successive course of increasingly unsuitable men due to stuff I figured out when I finally had therapy after splitting)
I agree with LMHF's description of Egypt - I found myself one day standing in the street screaming 'your all crazy' at anyone who went past, after being deliberately set up in a situation of social paux pas again....
Falily were just as bad, his dad had blown the family fortune on cocaine and prostitutes, mother was doing everything she shouldnt behind dad's back, just making sure noone got caught, I didnt last longer than 3 months before I had to get out of the country, but I still wasnt together enough to end the relationship - I blamed the country for 'corrupting' him, and told myself that it would be different when he came here. Well it was, there was no family to be watching what he was doing, so he just did what he liked.
Finally, 8 years after him leaving, I THINK I am OK. But I dont have anything to do with him. My mum deals with all contact for DD, he doesnt mess with her, she still doesnt trust him and pulls him up on every little lie, bullshit, etc and laughs at him. But he still does little things, but now I am aware of them. Taking him to court helped me alot. I too am sad that things I loved have been tinged with bad memories, places I lived and loved ruined by association, but I am getting past that gradually and putting his shit away from the memory. Its a shame I had to use 8 odd years of my life to work it all out, but at least I have DD and alot more wisdom about myself and about life!

SAF, the housework / doing things correctly policing is really fucked up and smacks of OCD. I am positive my H has OCD; I once threw all the plates out the back door because he was talking to himself, just loud enough that I could hear, about how much of a 'donkey' I was over the way I had placed the washing in the sink.

I was told how to operate the washing machine, how to store bread in the fridge, how to hang up bath towels, lay the dinner table and on and on and on.

That kind of stuff can keep you real busy and distract you from the fact that they are probably using it to cover up their own inadequacies.

I believe these men know that their women would probably make a better job of things than them but they are so ashamed of themselves they attack out of fear that it may happen.

My H kept tight control of all the household finances, he was an accountant and it was never worth the argument for me to get involved ( he wouldn't even tell me how much the mortgage was ). After he died, I discovered that he had borrowed thousands of pounds since we were married and looks like he pissed the lot on women and gambling. He used to tell me how useless I was at looking after money! He never wanted me to find out and therefore picked lots of other stupid arguments to distract me and use up time.

Merry - sorry I didn't see you other threads but skimming through this am I right in thinking that you worried about your kids being taken abroad. If so is that why you held out?

I believe my dh to be abusive but only after I read why does he do that. Prior to that I just felt it was dh acting like a shite in the face of a marital breakdown because he has zero emotional intelligence. Now I KNOW his actions are the cause of our breakdown.

I know lots of people who stay together for the sake of the kids but there has to be rules - rules that ensure the kids benefit from the situation. Mine has threatened me will all sorts if I were to instigate a divorce (death, violence, taking ds away) so OK - lets make it work and be a team (albeit not a romantic one) but HE acts like we're divorced. I even noticed the other day that on the rare ocassions we're out he walks a few paces ahead of me. He's very divisive in his language to ds. Rare family times (the kind that will ensure ds has nice memories of his childhood) are all instigated by me. He verbally slaps me down in front of ds knowing full well I'll not respond as I don't want ds to see anything bad. I think he's a fucking coward. In fact I know his behaviour is 100% calculated as once ds started school he realised that we'd be alone sometimes and sort of got scared - so he calmed down for about 6 months but now I'm working it means we are never alone again without ds around and he's started it all up again.

I work so hard to keep ds happy - do all the parenting.

What I hate is the hope I have when there's 'remission' but then suddenly he'll start and you feel deflated. Only last week I was sorting out childcare for ds for easter hols - looking at holiday club. He seemed keen until I said I'd pay for him to be in the club one day when I'm off so I can get stuff done. Bloody hell - he went nuts accusing me of abandonment - he chucked his dinner in the bin saying I was giving him a heart attack 'I'll take the week off and look after MY son while you go on holiday' - what the fuck! Naturally I didn't book a day when I'm off. I know I should have but you know the interest and excitment just leaves. Next day he said I could do it - too late love. He's ruined it.

Later ds has a blister - he realised is was from ds having his shoes the wrong way around all day (dh couldb't be bothered to change them back round) - within 5 mins it's because I buy shit shoes (clarks) and should spend more getting him properly fitted with width. Again, what the fuck.

I just come home from work (work he says he allows me to do - except we actually need the money - all turned around to make my hard look like a favour he bestows on me) - I clean, just go to my room. TV in the living room is from his country.

I think I cope well but I've noticed that I'm pretty morose at work (although well respected) and we all have issues with work and previously I'd have fought back but I just done. Just sit there like a mug.

But I don't feel like a victim. Just once or twice a year I make a call to the Samaritans to let it all out (not depressed or suicidal - just desperate sometimes for someone to hear me).

OK rant over.

Why are they like this. I feel with mine it's a combo of his awfully toxic background and his increasing sense of entitlement (that's fuelled by mil). He has no sense of consequences.

Giveitago. It's not working for the children or you is it?

"I found myself one day standing in the street screaming 'you're all crazy' at anyone who went past"

Nettle, you actually DID THAT? That is so funny!!! I can't tell you how many times the "You are all Mad" was stuck in my throat and I refused to even open my mouth in case it all came tumbling out at full volume.

I did used to mutter loudly enough for neighbours to hear "You don't have to be completely mental to live in Egypt, but by God it really bloody helps" That and I would play Talking Heads Once in a Lifetime over and over....

I do confess to really letting rip at this arse of a taxi driver leaning on his horn cos I was half way across the road carrying a buggy and a toddler and he wanted to drive over me to do his U turn.

I know he didn't understand a word, I know that the whole corniche in Alex stopped to see crazy english lady lose it, but I didn't care.

That was the day I swiftly had to de-programme DS from using the word BOLLOCKS

Nettle, mine was here for 10 years before we moved to Alex, he changed into some misogynistic monster half way up the Desert Road. So noticeable was it that I asked him the next day if he was 'Showing off cos we had guests'

I thought he'd change back, but tbh he wasn't that great before we lived over there, he just got unbearable when we left the UK. He came back here last year and it was a disaster from before we even got to the house. he left a few weeks ago. Deluded arse still thinks there is something in it...

IMHO, misogyny is cultural, ingrained, taught from mother to daughter and reinforced and policed by brother/father. Stockholm Syndrome is how I describe relationships there.

giveitago. Love. You do know that people who are married to normal people usually don't make a call once or twice a year to the Samaritans, don't you?

Why are they like this?? Who knows and TBH, who actually cares? There are many people that go through hardship, not all of them beat, belittle or torture their spouses.

Even without that toxic background, he would have been exactly the same.

Why do YOU have to put up with it? Answer: You DON'T.

The ups and downs you are experiencing are the cycle of abuse. it's a well known pattern.

What do you need to do, to find, to think in order to be strong enough to do what you know you need to do? What can we help you with? What can you r family help you with?

SAF: re the approved reversing, you ought to have driven over the bastard there and then... Whoops, foot slipped!

LMHF - HA HA HA HA

Oh generally I'm OK day to day and function very well. DS a happy soul mainly.

I just don't have the headspace to make progress. Once I'm settled into my job I hope to get some therapy of some kind which I'm sure would be very beneficial. Obviously, dh has no idea of this.

and of course with the motoring lobbyists, it would probably be the most legitimate way of getting rid of him without having to go to prison - oops, my foot slipped/ I thought it was in forward gear, a slap on the wrist and a couple of points on your licence for careless driving!!

I'll be keeping an eye out for your giveitago.... you are now on my radar!

Ha ha ha, Careless driving is if you only hit him the once SAF, reversing over him repeatedly is a little harder to explain!

Have any of you seen the 'I know I'm in a toxic relationship' thread?

I'm having to back away now, I've had my big guns out, can't do any more...

My therapist actually said to me in one session that the day I leave H will be the making of me; the therapist had counselled us both several years before but after 5 sessions H jumped ship. I went back on my own when things got really bad. After the therapist said that to me, I couldn't get back to see him because H had fallen sick, I went back once after H died then once six months later. The therapist said he was there if I needed to go but thought I was generally fine.

Giveitago, yes I did stay out of fear that H may leave this country with the children if we split. H was from Middle East and had huge resources in his own country. H used to tell me he had nothing to lose if I tried to leave, and no one else was ever going to be allowed near his children and also no laws of this land could stop him. It was scary and he was so secretive that I never knew what he was thinking or doing; however after he died I realised that he could have left with them anyway, and probably more easily they would have been in his care often whilst I was working. In his papers were an awful lot of notes kept on me and my behaviour ( written like school reports!) with pleasure I have destroyed the lot.

IME the mentality in the Middle East is very different from the west. Tradition/religion/class/honour and shame are the mainstays and must be upheld at all times. Western freedom of expression is not understood by them and will be clamped down upon. Forgiveness also seems to be missing from their psyche and utter belief they uphold a better standard of how to live. Forget Love, that doesn't even enter the equation.

Exhausted how are you today, hope you had a good lunch

gentler discussion going on here LittleMiss

I cannot post on that thread.

It's too close for comfort.

NO, SAF, indeed it's too close. But remember, you are no longer living in all that, you are OUT. Give yourself a hug and a pat for that. You deserve it.

I am struggling to stay awake.

DP has gone to get DD2. DD1 is a later pickup.

I could actually go to bed.

You have had a big few days SAF, it's OK, you need to shut it all off.

I posted on the other thread.

Much good it did me.

I'm "projecting" apparently

Ah stuff em. I left and did some work and instead of pissing about with idiots like them, I earned £15...

Let's hope for the OP that we ARE projecting. I don't believe we are, no bugger ignores their child screaming having fallen, sheesh, not even my ex bastard.

Mind you he would have blamed me for him falling..... but he would have been concerned and would have picked him up.

LMHF

I have posted on that other thread mentioned of and FWIW I do not think that neither yourself or SAF were projecting. Not at all.

I have not been in a controlling relationship myself but know of several women who have. Their experiences are very similar to what the OP has described particularly with regards to the children caught up in it; its actually quite creepy and these men do work to a script.

I often wonder as well why women in these types of situations feel such a great weight of responsibility (it is more often than not a solely owned responsibility as well) to maintain an even keel and try to keep their ultimately failing relationship going at all costs even to themselves. Maybe they do not want to admit to themselves that they have also played a part in getting the relationship that way because that knowledge is too painful for them to bear.

I also think that Lundy Bancroft's work should be covered as a topic in Citizenship classes.

No, I think it is because knowing you have played a part in getting the relationship into that state, you believe that you can change your behaviour to get it back out again.

It's a very mixed message that can come across, you know, on the one hand saying to women that they are "codependent" and have therefore facilitated the problem, and then telling them that they have no control and it will never change. In a logical universe those two statements don't stack up. I accept that they are probably based on a lot of observation of real life, but still, they don't make logical sense taken together.