Recovery after an affair

[sheba2288]

After taking huge adviceand comfort, and despite Robberbutton's change in situation, I know there are a couple of us 'survivors' out there. So this is a thread in which I hope we can help survive together.

Brief background on my situ - been with H for 20plus years, married with 2 DCs. H had affair with work colleague last year. I discovered last July. Had a rough summer/autumn, 2 close relatives' deaths added to our turmoil.

Since this Feb, there has been a turning point (thanks to MN advice), and things are starting to be a lot more positive. However.... I am often felt let down and hurt. When does it all go away????

Hi all again.

I haven't been back since my original posts, but thank you to all that replied. I have quickly looked through the pages since then, I will come back tomorrow when I have more time and read it all properly.

But I agree with the poster that said basically along the lines of 'do unto others as you would have done to you', I try to live my life with that always in mind, even though I am not religious, it just makes sense. Like I said in my first post, I was having a flirtation with someone months before this happened with my husband, but I made a conscious decision when the guy in question asked me to go off and do things just me and him to put a stop to it, because I thought to myself, I would never ever cheat on my husband, and also how would I feel if it was the other way around. I know now how that feels.

What really pisses me off about husbands bit on the side is that the mail she sent him (like I said in my first post was designed for me to see - after he had told her it was over) was that she said 'I know there are 2 other people who have respectfully done nothing wrong', yes there were 2 other people, as in me and her husband, but the selfish bitch totally forgot about all of the children involved too, she has 3, we have 1. (Did I mention she was married too?)

Anyway, I have had a totally meltdown week, to the point I was suicidal. Nothing he has done wrong, he is still doing everything, and I mean everything to put this mess right. I guess I just didn't realise how long it would take to start feeling good again.

He's going out on Friday with his mates, the first time since I found out, and he knows how sick I feel about it, even though he knows I wouldn't ask him not to. But he has said, (as they are going to the town where my parents live), you drop us off, visit your parents, and then pick us up to come home.

While I appreciate his sentiment, I know I have to trust him to be out with his mates at some point. shrugs Although, his one mate, who I have never got on with isn't invited, this is the same mate who introduced him to 'her', and I have a feeling that this mate has being trying to pass messages to him from 'her', because husband has in last 3 months changed his mobile number, but hasn't passed it on to that mate.

Sorry rambling again. Just helps getting it all off my chest.

I know many have said they cannot stand watching certain programmes after the discovery, but for me it's listening to certain songs, I rarely watch TV.

This one in particular kills me, and Radio 2, my fav station is playing it twice on every different show they have on. MAD FACE

Sorry so new here, I don't know how to post links. But if you can be bothered to copy and paste the link in to a new window, listen to the lyrics.

WBB and Twostraightlines - I feel exactly like you.

What Wales said: I've had enough of him telling me that I have to move on. Well, tough mate ... I can't. It's just not that easy for me. I have to deal with his betrayal, with his lies and his infidelity and his lack of thought for anyone other than himself.

And what Twostraightlines said:

I have had times when I am sick and tired of trying to get my H to understand what I'm going through and help me with it. His guilt, he says, gets in the way of empathy because he can barely cope with his own feelings without taking mine on board too. That, alongside the luxury he has of knowing what actually went on, what is going on in his head now, how he feels about me and her leaves me feeling very vulnerable. He swears he'd never cheat again. But blindly believing someone who has lied and lied for years is too much to ask at the moment.

Why can't they understand how we are feeling and why do they just say we need to put it all behind us and move on. This changes everything. Am really having trouble coming to terms with the deceit and will have serious trust issues for a long time. Still not eating or sleeping

EBM, I don't know what to tell you apart from the hurt will lessen in time. I really feel for you, for you all in fact. You are right in everything you say - he has the luxury of knowing exactly what went on, I feel that way too. They don't want to open up and tell us everything because they are blinded by guilt and shame and just want to forget it and put it behind them and they don't understand that to truly heal we need to know everything. Please try and look after yourself though, although I can totally understand the not eating and sleeping.

Gloria, for me its the time of year that it happened that affects me. It was early summer, just after my oldest DC's birthday and now I feel its all polluted by the bad memories IYSWIM, when the sun comes out my spirits plunge!

My DH left me at the start of the Easter hols and I found out what was really going on on Mayday bank holiday so those dates are forever etched in my memory.

On an episode of Friends a couple of days ago, Ross took a woman he had only just met back to the flat he shared with Rachel to make her jealous, woman was a BB and she had the same name as OW. I visably winced and DH noticed. He said "you are never going to forget are you" - no I am not going to forget and I will get upset about certain things way down the line, but the pain is lessening and I have forgiven him but no, I will never forget .

Anyway the sun is shining and I am going for a ride on my new pony - it certainly helps taking the pain away .......

I think it is the anniversay that's throwing me at the moment. The time of year when it all kicked off. And it's dh's reluctance to show any sensitivity about it that's really pissing me off. I know why of course. He's ashamed and embarrassed and wants to ignore it and for it all to go away. A bit like a child really - when they put their hands over their eyes and can't see you, they think you can't see them either.

But, as I've said, not talking about it isn't going to make it go away.

I think dh has now finally got the message and whilst still not wanting to talk about it is being a lot more sensitive to my feelings and is more accepting that I have a right to feel like this and that it's his job to support through it.

My dh's ow was South American - and every time I hear the mention of the particular country I find it very hard to not look at him or resist making a comment of some sort! Even if it's just to make him feel uncomfortable

Hi Ladies.
Been reading the posts on here, but have felt a too drained to post myself.

Thunder - I can't imagine what is going through your mind. It's not going to unusual/bit guilty to feel slightly relieved. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I certainly don't wish anyone dead, and also, it doesn't mean any of our Hs won't look at other W. It's just that for ages, I really wish my H's OW dead, but that has passed, and also I completely put H for 90% blame. As it was, I actually saw the OW this week for the first time since discovery. It didn't affect me nearly as much as I had imagined. She just had a complete look of shock on her face! Good job I made an effort as well(actually had make-up on!), she didn't look pretty - hee hee!

Counting, WBB - this whole spring/summer is one of recollections. But I have put some events into being to try and overcome the need just to remember all those dark/sad times.

Counting - hope you have a lovely time on the pony - lucky you! I too, have made an effort and gone out for some exercise, certainly makes me feel better after.

All in all - week's going ok. Weekend is supposed to be glorious - try and enjoy it!!!

"Why can't they understand how we are feeling and why do they just say we need to put it all behind us and move on."

Because they are still the same self-serving shites that had the affair and they haven't learnt a damn thing.

Using your own guilt as an excuse for not having any sympathy for the person you've fucked over is about the most ridiculous, insulting thing I've ever heard.

Thanks Sheba, you totally get it! I heard some more details today and the circumstances are awful.

They often are. I still can't believe my H' ow's desperation! Get this...at a work conference a group of colleagues went back to my H's hotel room for a drink as they were all leaving ow slipped into the bathroom until everyone left, told him she felt unwell and got into his bed! ( of course he could have got rid of her but didn't...hence I blame him for that) .

I hasten to add that he is sorry and deeply ashamed of himself now.
That night was the beginning of their physical affair, it has been emotional for 6 months before that. So I know he gave her enough signs to allow her to feel confident in doing such a thing (just though I'd get that in before whenwill comes on to explain it for us all!)

I've been reading a lot of the posts on here and just wanted to say 'thanks' it helps loads..

Do any of your DH's not want to talk about it? I know mine is deeply embarrassed and feels a complete c**t about what he did. But he simply doesn't want to talk about it. He gets annoyed, at himself, and he'll clam up and only give me the bare minimum of details, or worse, try and make light of or bumble through an explination. I know it's because he doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't realise that my imagination will simply make things up to fill in the gaps.

It's coming up to a year since he started the 4 month affair and it's taking up more and more thought time for me as things we did together whilst he was having the affair are coming around again this year.

God I hate feeling like this, I sometimes get so fuc*ing annoyed at him for being suck a cock!

It's 3 years since my h's affair and the anniversary is now. I partly accepted blame because we weren't in a good place due to circumstances, so decided to work on the marriage. It's taken us a long time to get to where we are now and it's only within the last year that I've finally come to terms with it. As a lot of you have said, I think the not knowing the details hurt the most. Now tho, I've just accepted that I'll never know the truth of what happened and have made a conscious decision to let it go. If I didn't do that, I knew I would never be able to move forward as a person, and that what THEY did was going to destroy me. If that makes sense.
I thought all was going well until 2 days ago. Suddenly find out, by chance, that H is taking a girl to the cinema (last night). I do believe that there's nothing in this (she is someone working for him and they both wanted to see the same film-she's also young enough to be his daughter). However, all I can see is that the trust is gone again. I asked him outright 'on what planet do you think I'm going to be alright with this?', and yet he still took her. He was more worried about upsetting her feelings than mine.
Icing on the cake, he met some friends, got talking and didn't come home until 3am. I do know this to be the truth.
Feel sick, shakey and so blimmin angry all at the same time. Right back where I was 3 years ago.
Sorry, if this is on the wrong thread. Just needed to vent. Thanks

My H hates talking about it/her now. But I did get all the details at the beginning of discovery/recovery and don't need to ask anymore.
I think ( I am no expert) you are still at the 'questioning stage' of recovery and need details to move on.

Hi piper, welcome :) This is absolutely the right thread, I can't believe what your H did :( I would absolutely hit the roof and I dont think you should just let it go. It sounds like he still isn't putting your feelings first :(

Piedpiper4 I am shocked that your H does not appear to have learnt anything. Have you reversed it and asked him how he would like you to take a young boy/man to the cinema and not tell him ? Why did he think it was ok to take her and not invite you along ? I would seriously question his motives, is he getting his ego stoked again eg a young girl wants to spend time with me. You need to ask some serious questions of him.

Its' the old thing, if you wouldn't do it with your DW standing next to you, then it is cheating. Thats what got my DH thinking initially, originally saying it was harmless, flirting etc, exchanging texts. Yes but you wouldn't do it with me standing next to you would you? No, so therefore it is cheating/being deceitful etc.

Had a wonderful ride today, seriously hot out there. All you ladies need to be out, doing your own things, spending time and money on yourselves.

SOooooo agree counting, I'm off to a school reunion today and away for the week end, alone! (abroad!)
(hope to spend a lot of money and time on myself!)

"I know it's because he doesn't want to hurt me"

Do you actually believe that?

If he cared about not hurting you he'd talk to you about the pain he's caused.

The reason he won't talk is because he doesn't want to hurt him.

He's already hurt you. If he was able to stomach doing it, he can bloody well talk about it.

PiedPiper4 - I think that is seriously out of order and I would be livid if my dh tried anything like that. Well, he wouldn't. Why on earth would he think it was okay to take another woman to the cinema? I would be very angry.

spidookly - re not wanting to talk about. We know that they don't want to talk about it because it makes them feel uncomfortable and it reminds them of what absolute shits they were. Talking about it makes them confront their appalling behaviour and recognise it for what it was. Having said that I do think that men think about these things differently. And I'm not sure that if the boot was on the other foot that my dh would want to know all the ins and outs. I'm not sure that it would help him to know - but then I think men do have a tendency to bury their heads in the hope that if they ignore things long enough then they will go away.

They don't of course.

Piedpiper, he just doesn't get it even after all this time does he? I would be furious in your position, especially as you were doing so well.

I feel a bit differently today about knowing all the details, its like they have died with her (OW died yesterday). While she was around it hurt me to know that she knew exactly what happened and I didn't as I was never convinced I knew absolutely everything. In reality though, from what I know of her now, its unlikely she remembered most of it due to the drink.

Hi all, I really feel for you, I am lurking on your thread but never been in your situation. My H left me for the OW who was a work colleague 27 year his junior. But reading your thread makes me realise how hard it would have been to have to tried to get back on track if we had decided that course of action. I still really miss him and still love him but I am getting to a better place day by day and know one day I will be free of all these horrible thoughts, but all of you are still working hard to make your relationships work. I take my hat off to you.

Counting - well done for your pony, I still havent ridden my horse since last June when I found out about H, I just havent been in a good place to do so, but I am just about to get back on and start nice long peaceful rides.

Hello girls, reading your posts makes me feel like I should just get over my husband's affair right now. His lasted 5 weeks, totally predatory BB woman, a bit more than one sexual encounter a week, no romantic involvement, ended almost 2 months before I knew about it. But even so, I cannot just get over it. Not only is there tons of background (dysfunctional relationship), but even if there wasn't I know I couldn't just "get over it".

Bottom line, and surely you don't need me to tell you this, but I will repeat it anyway - THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT BEING WILLING TO DISCUSS WHAT HAS HAPPENED AT ALL TIMES. Not the details, not their feelings, not your feelings, nothing. And I don't think there's a statute of limitations on that either - not for several, several years, anyway.

I am absolutely not gloating here, god forbid you should think that as I often feel like I hate my husband with an intensity. But since crazy bitch called me to fill me in on their fun and games, my H has hardly put a foot wrong. He has always answered my questions, he has been totally understanding about my reactions and my feelings (apart from when I've tried to scratch his eyes out, which I have on more than one occasion, and I'm not going to put in an embarrassed smiley). He occasionally, when tired, gets irritated at my snide remarks and tries to fight back a bit, but I am pretty sure that it's more because it's difficult for him to keep it up when energy levels are low rather than him not understanding where I'm coming from.

Tell your husbands that, the wankers (scuse me). Regaining trust after what they have done requires them to put NOT A SINGLE FOOT WRONG. If you talk to them seriously about this and they can't come up with the goods, well there is little hope.

One thing that I think helped us was that we both immediately began trawling the internet for lessons about what we were going through, and in the process came across this site with all its massively useful threads on infidelity. The clearest message that came across to us was how it was normal for BS to be totally utterly devastated (as bad as or worse than a bereavement), and for this to last, potentially, years, particularly if discussions are not frank and far-reaching. I think that H reading this kind of thing (not least WWIFN's posts) helped to put him on the path that I described above, right from the beginning.

Have your husbands been reading this kind of thing? They need to know that you are not just some kind of crazy witches, that your feelings are totally and utterly NORMAL.

Piper - You have a big problem on your hands, you poor thing. I would even go a bit further than countingto10. After an affair, the WS has to understand they cannot do ANYTHING that could POSSIBLY look dodgy, not until trust has been fully, fully restored (and we know that generally takes years). It DOESN'T MATTER whether his and her intentions are innocent. He MUST NOT open you up to this kind of pain, it is just not right and it is just not fair. If he can't understand that, if he fails to apologise for what he has done and fails to reassure you that he now understands and won't repeat offend, well.....

Also @ Piper, you talk about partly accepting the blame. I went through this too, because our marriage was in shite and I was partly responsible (though I doubt majoritorially or whatever the word should be). But listen, we are only really to blame for what our H's actually did if they had been sending us clear messages for some time that they were feeling neglected or mistreated and we failed to understand/respond/seek a solution together with them. For my part, I didn't know how bad my husband was feeling, because he didn't BLOODY TELL me! I was feeling pretty bad myself and I didn't go out and screw anyone. On the contrary, I was the one talking about my feelings and trying to explain to him the reasons for my lack of affection and sexual desire (which were 100% to do with his behaviour). If they can't communicate, and give us the chance to find a joint solution, they cannot expect us to accept any of the blame.

WBB - how crap to hear that the OW was South American. I am in South America now, H is from here. I have studied and worked on this continent for over 20 years - I used to adore it. But Europe is looking pretty good to me these days.....

Hi Everyone, thanks for your replies. I really appreciate them.
seachange I think you've hit the nail on the head. He isn't thinking of my feelings at all. I can forgive him for being stupid and 'falling' into the cinema trip, but what I can't forgive is him not realising how I would feel, especially after I told him. Surely, you wouldn't go, would you? I just feel he made a choice then, and yet again it wasn't me or how I feel.

countingto10 I asked him how he would feel and he said he would be OK with it as he trusts me. My response was I've never given him a reason to distrust me, whereas I don't trust him.
As for the stroking the ego point. The girl is having a hard time at work, and I know he feels sorry for her. He's been fighting her corner and generally trying to make the job easier for her. Possibly getting the feel good factor from that, whereas I'm just 'er in doors, right?
Glad you've been out on the old pony-can't get a better day for it.

thundersighs No he doesn't get it at all. Ashamed to say, I've gone back to that old chestnut of checking his pockets etc today. Trust has completely gone.

lostinthejungle I totally agree. Rebuilding a relationship after an affair is a hard task and requires total trust and transparency. Any knock and it's so easy to go right back.
I also agree with no matter how bad a relationship, no one makes someone have an affair. I was unhappy too but it never occurred to me to do what he did.

To everyone on this thread, I'd just like to say good luck with whatever you decide and I hope everything works out for the best.

Piedpiper4, I would suggest your H is a "rescuer" and getting a need of his met by "rescuing" a damsel/dumsel in distress. He needs to recognise this and how easily a line can be crossed in this sort of senario, in fact I would suggest that a line has already been crossed with the "secret" cinema trip. Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, tis the prescribed reading on here for recovery from affairs .

It would be interesting to know what sort of other interaction he has had with this girl, texts eg