Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

How old are you and how old is H and how old is OW? Thinking of you a LOT btw. x

Lovely posts undermyskin

HMH, it is a good thing to have asked for some time off work - it will reduce one source of anxiety (and I don't think your work can be very effective right now ).

Thanks UA. I'm more of a lurker than poster, but you are a shining example of that legion of women (my story is not nearly as colourful!).

I am 42 so is he. She is a couple of yrs older.

I know just what you are going through, and it is so painful and can cause horrendous anxiety. Its very hard to break away from the habits of a lifetime, like sleeping with him. Its very hard to stop, especially when you know he is pulling away into the arms of someone else and you still love him.
It broke my heart when i split up with my DP , the father of my DS. It took 3 yrs to get over it all, and its now nearly 5 yrs and I am feeling ok. I always picked the wrong men who treated me badly. But for you if he has been a good husband and good dad its even harder.
He is having his cake and eating it with you letting him stay in the house. You do need to detach from him if he is really going to leave in the end and go and be with her. Dont let him treat you like a doormat. Be strong and retain some self respect.. You will be glad you did in the long run.
Sending you heart felt hugs and embraces. xx

So what is happening this evening?

I agree that some time off work is fine and a good idea. You sound as though you have given of yourself on all fronts - as a wife, mother and employee. You deserve to cut yourself some slack. If you had broken two legs you wouldn't be able or expected to work would you. Well this is a more severe injury. So take the time.

You will be stuck at home all day drinking coffee, crying a lot (maybe not though) getting the house fixed up, getting some more conceret advice, meeting with others, for cake and kleenex..

Come on, you love your children. They need you. I am 47 and can still pull (easily) but frankly I just love being a single parent now. It is so much simpler than being with an unfeeling shagmeister!

There is life after this kind of 'death' you know. You don't think so now but there is.

42 is very young. Children grow up quickly. You dont sound the sort of person who will not be able to cope. Not at all. It will be hard and disorientating to begin with but you can do it. I can see in your posts that you can.

It is your H who is not managing to behave successfully or correctly or with a modicum of decency.

He is not home yet. Said he would be back usual time so I made dr appointment - tried to ring him & txt him but he would not pick up. Had to cancel app.

He is with her, yes ?

Did he know about your dr appt ?

This is how your life will be. Still dancing to his tune. Even though he isn't actually present in your marriage.

You would be better on your own. You can rely on yourself. Can you say the same about him ?

You just take the dcs with you and tell the GP why they are there... ie that your H is seeing another woman and is playing havoc with you life and you need some help. It is called Telling The Truth. Something your husband is incapable of right now.

I have my ds in tow almost every time I see the doctor. He knows my exh ran away and I have limited options for getting a sitter.

I used to feel a failure. But now I feel I have triumphed over adversity!

I would lock the door and turn channel 4 news up loudly.

Pour yourself a

and dig your heels in.

You are going to come through this - him in tow or not.

Also, is he Reeaaally that good looking? Is he a wonderful conversationalist? Does he have a couple of really good life-long friends?

You have been with him 23 years so where are his friends talking him round or out of this, or at least offering you some support if it's for real? They must know you very well too after all.

His bad points: He has turned out to be a bad penny as a dad, he is a lying husband and a cruel 'friend'

He must have some good points so what are they?

Does he make a cracking fry up?

I expect he is a good cook.

The shit ones often are

The really saddest thing in all of this, is that your own family/parents are proving to be worse than a crock of shit at supporting you.

I hope they hang in hell for that. ggggggggggrrrrrrrrr

Have cancelled app & made it for tomorrow - kids will be at school / pre school.
Yes am sure he is with her. I asked him this morning if he would be home as usual & he said he would. I tried to phone him to tell him about app & check he was coming back but he didn't pick up.
Am wondering what would happen if I just move out & rent somewhere.
If house is repossed I would still be liable though & could be loosing money that would be really beneficial for me & kids.

Do not move out.

Lock all the doors.

Dont let him back in and dont answer if he calls.

He has made his bed.

Now he can bloody lie in it.

He would have to take you to court to get access back into the 'spousal home'.

Given the circumstances, no court would grant it.

Call his bluff. I will be up for bloody hours. So will Holdyourhand through it.

Oh yes, go to the GP with your DCs - put your needs first, not least because you have 3 DCs depending on your sanity.

I hope you find a bit of peace tonight, at least some distraction to stop thinking about H. May be just a lovely time with the DCs watching rubbish television. Remember they love you very much.

I'll be back tomorrow to check in on you.

If he hammers on the door and repeatedly rings the phone, text him and say 'yopu are frightening me now. I am calling the police'

Then calmly call the local police and let them know there is a domestic dispute going on and you are a bit worried for you safety as your husband is seeing another lady but hasn't left the family home yet and is now harrassing you and upsetting your young children, to try to gain access.

make sure there is no way he can get in.

He will go back to her house.

I know this sounds dramatic, but star-crossed lovers just hate the police to be involved and you have every right to call them given that he is behaving so erratically.

Good points - he has a good sense of humour, was kind, good with kids, generous. We were both on same wavelength - could chat & laugh together. He knows me well, knows how I think etc

Bad points - appart from obvious - can be selfish, does not always express emotions, not always as supportive as I would have liked, not flexible with sharing childcare / household tasks, a bit manipulative, rubbish cook!!!

He'd not get past us!

If I knew for a fact that he had been with her and let me down on an appointment, that would be absolutely IT for me, there is no way in hell that shit would sleep under MY roof tonight.

Do exactly as UA says, time to claw back that dignity and composure and nothing says composure better than locking a cheating bastard out of your home for the night.

UA, good cooks? X'H' was a chef.... your theory remains intact today!

www.5ive-o.org/forum/showthread.php?8268-Non-emergency-contact-numbers-for-Police

Here is website for local, non-emergency police numbers

HMH, when was the last time this creature made you laugh?

UA I think your theory re the good cook/baddun holds true here too.

He came home before I read posts!

Not sure I could do that as it would upset kids.

I also don't want to do anything unreasonable that may affect future divorce.

Who can expect you to behave reasonable when this is how he's treating you? I wouldn't give a stuff if it was illegal, I would turf him out, change the locks and deal with the consequences (if there were any) later.

What's his excuse for being late/uncontactable?

Shall I ring you? We could howl with laughter at the 33p that has gone on fags. And then sporadically discuss a haven holiday and swap dates. He needs a right swifty kick up the arse.

you write lovely stuff missus

Rider:
In case anyone thinks we know each other

I dont know HMH at all but she PMd me her mobile number.

(((bows)))

Love you too darling UA

Bloody hell, are my fags going up to seven pounds thirty now?