Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

How are you doing HMH? What have you got planned for today? It is lovely and sunny here right now, though chilly. Thinking of you xx

It is another day and the sun is shining so do try and get out. In fact, force yourself to.

You do seem to have got up today pointing in the right direction, however hurtful the whole situation is. As everyone says, it is about taking small steps to detach and do the best for you and your DCs, and trying not to back track.

It is second nature to cling to what is familiar but that will only prolong the pain. Far better to start tentatively to build your independence. I promise that there will come a day when you wake up and you are not governed by all of this and you are happy, enjoying life and your DCs. Of course you H may rediscover his attraction for you once are not longer so dependent on him, but by then you may be the one to see him in a much less attractive light.

You are doing well. It gets better.

It is another day and the sun is shining so do try and get out. In fact, force yourself to.

You do seem to have got up today pointing in the right direction, however hurtful the whole situation is. As everyone says, it is about taking small steps to detach and do the best for you and your DCs, and trying not to back track.

It is second nature to cling to what is familiar but that will only prolong the pain. Far better to start tentatively to build your independence. I promise that there will come a day when you wake up and you are not governed by all of this and you are happy, enjoying life and your DCs. Of course you H may rediscover his attraction for you once are not longer so dependent on him, but by then you may be the one to see him in a much less attractive light.

You are doing well. It gets better.

If you put your mind to it you can hurry up the process of detatching from someone like this . Start refering to him as your ex husband , start telling people you are getting divorced and also tell them whats going on , especially your family. Burst his little fantasy bubble.

Make a list of all his bad points , all the stupid selfish things hes done over the years ect and focus on them and all his other annoying habits.

I am trying to detach but inside me I still love him and so want my family together. This is killing me. I am supposed to be working today but can't function - I just feel like I am loosing it. I called at my parents again but they just say nothing.
I am exhausted now and feel I have no strength left.

You can and you will get through this.

If you can't focus on work, put this to one side and go out for a walk until you feel calmer. That anxious feeling and inability to concentrate on anything is exhausting. I remember literally not knowing what to do with myself, unable to settle at anything. Try and make a simple plan for today and stick to it; this will make you feel more in control. It can be as simple as deciding what to cook the DC for supper and going out and getting the ingredients.

Other than your parents is there anyone else in RL who you could talk to? It is not only 'best' friends who are willing to help and provide companionship at such a difficult time.

Even if he came home right now saying he was sorry and it was all a terrible mistake i dont see how it would ever be right again , the man you thought you knew has gone , and this selfish idiot is now your husband. I bet you dont love this version , but this is who he is now , and you might have even seen glimpses of this selfishness in the past.

I honestly understand the financial stuff , but all that can be sorted , you can go interest only on your mortgage for a while and theres loads of other stuff you can do . I really think you need to tell him to leave . Hes taking the piss big time .

Id have his bags packed for when he comes back and id tell him to fuck off out and go and live with her . Her kids arent your problem , him planning to move in and when isnt your problem , your problem is you and your kids .

I also think , that if you are really wanting to save this marriage and for him to realise what a terrible mistake hes made , hes got to go . Hes got to go and suffer all the horrible consequences and not be able to see you anymore ect . Hes got to be able to see that this woman isnt all he thinks she is and that it just wasnt worth it . Only then will he be able to see what hes done . Hes probably like a drug addict at the moment and cannot see what hes doing .

The other option is that he stays , gets the best of both worlds and maybe things fizzle out with the ow . In the meantime he will blame you and resent you for " spoiling his fun ".

The fact he hasnt yet gone to me is a positive and id interpretatre that as hes not 100 per cent sure about her . Id force the issue , id *make" him move in with her , see if shes just as loveley with a bunch of kids round her neck , a pissed off ex husband and the social embarresment of what theyve done .

He obviously sees her in a flawless love struck way. Fuck that , have him use the toilet straight after her after shes done a huge dump , have him wake up next to her smelling her morning breath and have her washing his skiddy boxers and smelling his farts .

This sounds like an absurd fantasy on both their parts , and id shatter it .

Holdmyhand - have lurked for a day or two and not yet posted, but I am so sorry to hear what has been going on for you. Your pain comes through your posts so clearly. However, in just a few days it is clear that you have started to grow and sort out your head. MN can be an amazing support at this time, as other posters will testify and you will get through this and come out the other side of this nightmare. You won't go back ever to how you were, but you will have your three lovely children and your self respect. You will have their love and a home - probably a smaller one - that you will continue to build with and for them.

Dignified - the Op has already said that her mortgage is already interest only, and I can see exactly why immediate action is not a possibility for you. This man is taking enough from you already. I do not think that you have to kick him out immediately and add huge debts to your problems, until you are ready to do so. Keep him sleeping in the cupboard downstairs, if you want to, whilst you look after yourself and your kids. He has created this problem. Let him work out how you are going to get through it with the minimum financial disruption to your (and his) precious children. Your priority now is you and your kids and he has to start to behave like an adult and use his brain as well as his other organs.

Well done for getting to counselling. It could be worth putting your name down for an appointment at Relate too, for just you - go for anything which helps you to get your head around this, and helps you to start to take control of where you are going and what you want to do.

Thinking of you.

We are already interest only on mortgage.

If he moves out he won't move in with her. He is adamant about that. I know in some ways where he goes is not my problem but if he stops paying the mortgage and bills it is. Also what I would get from him via CSA is a lot less than I need to pay mortgage, bills so couldn't even peruse it that way.

I hate feeling like this. I hate him making me feel like this.

Thanks Notquite. I hope you are right and I will get through this. Feel really bad at the moment.

Really struggling with work - can't concentrate & falling behind.
I want to cry but I just can't seem to be able to.
I hate being like this.
I feel really scared & panicky.
I just don't seem to be feeling any better.
I want my life back.

I'm sorry HMH. It's awful, I know.

What can you cut down on, work wise? Can you take sick leave or holiday? Have you got any rescue remedy? I take gallons of it when I'm feeling like that.

Thanks - just took some rescue remedy.
Tried to phone my boss but she said she was busy so will call back later this afternoon.
I don't really want to be signed off work because then I have the whole day to fill but I just can't concentrate or function properly.
I am thinking of going back to doctor to get some stronger meds - something to get through next few days / weeks.
H is out with ow tomorrow & will be spending time with her at weekend. It is breaking my heart.

You won't be feeling any better, not for a long while. It is a huge horrible shock, you've been hit by a bus that your H was driving and aiming right at you.

At some point you might be able to see that the life you want back was not real. You were trying to live it with someone who wasn't there with you. You were trying to lean on someone who was letting you fall each time. Your life now will be hard in different ways, but it won't be full of deception, false promises, trying to love someone who is only in love with themselves. It will get better and be better.

My heart is broken too :( I'm right there with you. It really actually physically hurts, doesn't it?

I know that my H is still seeing/speaking with OW every day, but I can put that to one side because he's left. It's so important you try and get your H out of your space. Then you will have longer and longer periods where you are able not to think about it.

Thanks sufficient - how can the men we love do this to us?

I don't know :( I actually hope I never know, never understand how it is possible to break someone like that, who wanted to give you everything.

But they did do it. They don't love us, or, if they do, it's not the kind of love that you are able to build a life together on.

Now it's about picking up the pieces, making a new life just ourselves and our children.

HOH, you sound so fragile emotionally. You must try and find some way to have a short escape from the turmoil in your head (and heart) or I fear you will be very ill. I remember feeling exactly as you do, but that is now in my past as it will be for you.

You are in the viscious circle of one anxiety fueling another. If you cannot work effectively, put it aside for a while. Otherwise you will just get more and more anxious about falling behind. Hard as it may be to raise enthusiasm for anything, try and take yourself out for an hour - a walk or a swim perhaps. It might help by providing some relief.

Sitting on your own, trying to work and failing, fighting waves of panic and anxiety - this is not going to help. Harsh as it may sound, you have to take some action to make the long days more tolerable.

Thinking of you.

I so dont want to be a single parent. I would never have had 3 kids if I'd thought he would leave. It's hard enough with 2 parents - I just can't do it on my own, not with work & everything else.
Why can't he just face his responsibilities to me & his children?

You can do it hmh. It will be very very hard, but you will find a way. Your H will have to do his share as well.

How can I make him see that what he is doing is wrong & hurtful?

I have got some legal advice and apparently I cannot make him leave despite what he is doing as we have joint names on property. I could apply for an occupation order which I may or may not get but itwould take a few weeks.

If I had somewhere to go I would move out with the kids.

You do not want an H who just keeps up the pretence of being an H out of duty. You can't make someone love you, I am afraid.

And I'm sure you do not regret your 3 DCs. They are undoubtedly your pride and joy. You also know that you need to keep yourself together as much as possible for them (my DD had important exams 6 weeks after my exP left - I know that my determination to keep things as stable as possible for her got me through the early raw weeks).

I don't have wise words like many on here. But the anxiety in what you write is palpable and I'm going to suggest again that you take yourself out for a short walk in the sunshine. You have to try and find things to do that make you feel better, or at least a short respite from the turmoil in your head. Nothing will change if you just let this consume you; in fact, you will be physically and mentally exhausted, and then where will your DC be?

I am physically & mentally exhausted - it is only the thought of the children that keeps me going. But at the moment I am not being a proper parent.

Don't beat yourself up on every front. For your DCs you are a constant, albeit distrated, presence: you get them up in the morning and to bed at night, you feed them (baked beans are very nutritious) and you love them.

You have got to think of yourself and how you can help yourself. Try not to dwell so much on how someone has been so cruel to you. Even if your only wish for now is for your H to return to you, any attraction he has for you is not going to be rekindled by your current mindset. Act strong (even if you do not feel it) and act to help yourself (you have already taken some steps). I know all this is easier said than done, but there is a legion of women on MN who have gone through what you are going through, many left if a very perilous situation, who have gone on to rebuild happy lives for them and their DC. If we have done this, so can you. Start believing that you can. It is a long and painful process but nothing is worse that feeling helpless and that all days from now on are just painful to get through.

Thanks - have spoken to my boss & said I need some time off work - not sure if this is good thing or not though.