Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

Sounds good UA!!!

right, I am going to ring your mobile in ten minutes. hee hee be prepared for some banal conversation..

Yep. 7 quid a packet!

Its a scandal.

A shag is so much cheaper than a fag. I know which I prefer.

I just called you HMH. No reply

I wont try again as its a bit weird

Sorry couldnt pick up was on landline!!

He hasn't realised yet that I haven't done any of his laundry - he is looking for his White t shirt to wear when he goes out with homewrecker tomorrow night - it's at the bottom of the laundry basket with all the rest of his clothes!

Aww, shame the phone thing didn't work, that would have been weird and freaky fun

HMH, this is the beginning of your H's new life, and he is about to realise how shit it is :) Keep it up xx

No. he can't see this woman FROM YOUR HOME!

Absolutely not.

WTF is he doing? rubbing your nose in it?

Lock the fucker out. Please don't let him do this to you.

HMH - how are you this morning?

I hope you did get some sleep and will be going to your GP this morning. Your story won't be an unfamiliar one to him/her and I remember my GP being very helpful in getting my head pointing in the right direction (even if the heart took a little longer to follow).

And what about the rest of the day and weekend? It helped me to make small plans; otherwise the day felt endless and exhausting, with anxiety feeding into anxiety. The lack of concentration is a hell in itself, but if you can focus on a few small and undemanding activities/achievements I think it will help you feel more balanced. Is there someone you can phone and ask that you come over with the DCs at some time during the weekend? Most people, I think, are more than happy to help/provide support if asked (but don't know to do it unless asked) so don't isolate yourself because you believe you will be intruding on everyone else playing happy families over the weekend.

I hope none of this sounds too trite.

Thanks. Not looking forward to tonight / weekend. He is seeing her tonight & prob sat night.
I told him yesterday that current situation is unworkable. He said no alternative and it is least disruptive for kids & I couldn't make him leave.
He gave the usual want to be friends rubbish & said we could take the kids out somewhere this weekend!!
He also said it wasn't him but my reactions that upset the kids & that he had talked to them & they are ok.
I want to hurt him now like he's hurt me!

God al-bloody-mighty. He really is cruel. What did his last slave die from?

And as for sayhing the dcs are ok and it's you that's upsetting them?? wtf?? Not only is he delusional and cruel, he also spectacularly contradicted himself there - either they are 'ok' or they are 'upset'. He is talking utter shite.

I think I can hear your angry gene starting to kick in. You do have one of those don't you? .

Any man who wears a white tee-shirt in this day and age is a twunt by the way. It's 2011. Wham are no longer in the charts.

Its a lovely sunny day here. I am so tired I fell asleep on the dogs bean bag on the kitchen floor last night - ds woke me up at 3am saying 'come to bed mummy' . That is the wonderful thing about being a single parent. You can do whatever you like. I am meeting a friend for a friday glass of cider this afternoon at soft play area (our dcs are great mates) then another lovely friend is coming for supper tonight.

Come on HMH. You are doing this - look, the days are already passing.
And you can get him to leave btw. You just tell him to. Order him to. He needs to go and 'stay' with his older woman (OW)

Honestly, I could slap him with a wet cloth he is such a jerk.

Hes going out to see her tonight and sat night ?
Are you meant to dutifully babysit his kids while he does this ? What a piss take , this really is going too far .

At the very least , inform him that your not a free babysitter and you will be sharing the childcare evenly while he insists on staying where hes not welcome. Then ring a freind , make plans for saturday and get glammed up and go out.

What a shock he,ll get when he finally moves out and is lumbered with the kids every weekend.

Wham are no longer in the charts.

You can find a lodger on spareroom.co.uk My new lodger moves in on April 3rd.

It's free to advertise on there and you can word it how you like:

'Lodger wanted, male, handsome, 6 foot four and over only please. Must not wear white tee-shirts. Builder preferable as house needs doing up. Husband shagging someone else so not here much, hence plenty of space.'

"He said no alternative and it is least disruptive for kids & I couldn't make him leave. "

WRONG! He doesn't HAVE to go out with his ffing mistress under his wife's nose, come back stinking of her. Ewww. Put his stuff in a bag and leave it outside, double lock the door and tell him not to bother coming back. you have that right, his presence and behaviour is damaging, what he is doing to you is abuse.

There is no chance, and I mean NO CHANCE you could be friends after this. He is beyond cruel. He could do the decent thing and put his 'love' on hold until he is in a position to be in his own place.

what a nob.

But the situation is untenable for you! Not for him of course (as he is the one who has chosen this life), but it will be if the constant anxiety and tension makes you ill and unable to look after the DCs.

I wonder exactly what he has told his young DCs? "I will be going out a lot to see OW because I don't love your mummy any more but don't worry because I will still be living here and your mummy just has to lump it and she will still make your tea, put you in the bath etc so that's all fine." I don't think so, and I think he will be interpreting anything they say in the terms he wants to hear. He is lying to himself if he thinks this is not disruptive to the DCs as they will, sure as sure, be picking up on the atmosphere in the house and the fact that you are distressed.

He cannot continue to see the OW while he is living in the family home. This amounts to cruelty. I appreciate all your concerns about money but he needs to find a temporary place to live to give you some space. There is always an alternative and he must find it, even if this is staying with a friend for a while. Where he goes is not your concern, but go he must, or he will have a great deal more to juggle than OW and work. Just stick to the mantra - "you must move out" and try not to get sidetracked into any other discussions.

Back to the weekend which I can only imagine will be difficult. Plan something for you and the DCs. Ring someone today and ask if you can meet up; you don't need to go into details, but do say that you really need a friend. Do also try not to be alone with the DCs on Sat night. Don't be ruled by not wishing to 'wash dirty linen in public'; you need support right now.

oh I so wish you would tell him to tale a running jump. You need a positive plan to get hin out - however you are going to do it.

Do you know what , i dont think this daft affair is going to go anywhere and i think they both know that .They havent moved in together , they havent started divorce proceddings , hes still living with you for christ sake , not something id put up with if i was madly in love with someone .

I know theres the debt issue , but dont forget thats his responsibility as well , not just yours , and its possible to reduce a lot of the debt with specialist debt management plans . Id inform him that hes being emotionally abusive to you and you are going to aproach the court for an order to get him out on that basis . Id also instigate divorce proceedings on the basis of his adultry.

His stupid affair isnt real and hes yet to suffer any consequences for his stupid behaviour. Id change that , and quickly.

Kids gone to school, pre school so on my own now.

Plan

1. Go to GP
2. Inform H he is to make arrangements for himself this weekend at the minimum as you cannot tolerate his presence in the house while he continues to see OW. He needs to find an alternative bed and this is not up for discussion.
3. Ring someone so you are not on your own this weekend.
4. Do just one small thing for yourself even if this is just sitting in the sunshine for half an hour with a cup of coffee.

Op , i divorced when i was a sahm with no income of my own and a huge mortgage and some extortionate joint debts as he was crap with money .I think he thought id put up with his shit because of this . At the time it was a real vaild concern and i was afraid of being repossessed , but it all worked out and the banks were really good and there was loads of options available . Most of the people i spoke to at the banks had experienced similar so were really understanding .

Nothing is worse than living like this , in the end id rather have lived in a tent than put up with him a moment longer . I dont think hes planning to move out at all , i think hes hoping youll just accept the situation and he,ll be able to carry on as he is .

I would honestly see a soliciter and start divorce proceedings . You can cancel it at any time , or slow it down if you feel that way inclined , but i think he needs a serious wake up call , and theres nothing quite like seeing it in black and white .

Totally agree with dignified, he is being emotionally abusive, you must get him out.

What sort of woman is she? Her affair has left his wife, but chooses to still live with her, and see ow on the side. Why is she ok with that, never mind you?

He is a total and utter bastard, the lowest of the low.

Fuck the law, change the locks, bin bag his stuff, the kids are not fine with his behaviour, don't let him ruin theri lives too.

I am thinking seriously about starting divorce proceedings but want to really think it through first.
I want to make things hard for him. I would not have thought she likes him still living here - hope it causes arguments with them.

Think only about you and the DCs and what is best for you and them.

Go to the GP and start getting some support for you. I'm afraid you, and only you, can take these first steps to having control over your life and not singing to someone else's tune.

It wont be causing arguments op , she wont want him full time same as he doesnt want her full time . Theyre happy at playing being in love , star crossed lovers and all that crap but deep down they probably both know its not going anywhere at the minuite. They probably spend hours talking about their plight and what theyre going to do when the " time is right " . If i was madly in love with someone id want to be with them all the time , debt or no debt and i wouldnt tolerate someone still living with their wife .

Id shatter this crap , let her wash his skiddy boxers and sniff his farts , let her put up with your kids all weekend while you relax , they both need a good dose of reality here . Maybe they will then see each other for what they really are , a pair of fantasist , liars , cheats ect .

I dont see why financially anything has to change if he moves out. Hes saying he cant afford to rent and hes not going to move in with her . The easy solution is he does go and live with her , and presuming shes not going to charge him rent your finances shouldnt be affected . Consider telling him to do this , problem solved all round .

Initiating a divorce is easy peasy , and you can cancel or stall it at anytime. Your H relectance to move out indicates hes not really sure and i honestly think hes only going to rethink things when faced with losing everything.