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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 18:15

HMH...are you going offline just because he is home ?

Why is that ?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 23/03/2011 18:21

I'm still here. Sorting out kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 23/03/2011 18:29

He wants everything to carry on as normal at home but with us in separate bedrooms and both having more independence (ie he can see her when he wants and does not have to account for his time or whereabouts)

I have checked a couple of websites for lodgers but all seem to want public transport links / amenities. You could not live here without driving. I'll keep looking.

How long does it take to detach from someone?

OP posts:
Xales · 23/03/2011 18:33

Treat him politely and distant, like someone you were introduced to while out who you really didn't want to talk to.

Don't ask him about his day. If you are sitting watching something don't go out of your way to avoid him just be distant.

Don't make him dinner unless you really want to sit down for a family meal together. Only then if he is going to be in at a specific time to sit with the children.

This is part of him not being your husband any longer.

What do you think he is doing on the way home while you are cooking and eating with your children? He is sitting texting and talking to her giving her all the sweetness and caring. Doing that while you slave away cooking for him erm yeah right why would you?

If he wants a home cooked meal he either does it himself or gets her to do it.

Of course you still think of you making up. That is totally understandable you didn't sign up for a separation. Just expect it as a natural part of your grieving.

Xales · 23/03/2011 18:35

Cross posts with your last one!

He wants everything to carry on as normal at home but with us in separate bedrooms and both having more independence (ie he can see her when he wants and does not have to account for his time or whereabouts)

You mean he considers you worthy of being his domestic servant. I don't think so. Why would you accept this?

If he wants normal at home tell him to go move in with her and SHE can do the normal chores for him.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/03/2011 18:36

Has he said he wants everything to carry on as n ormal, or is that how he is bejhaving so that is what you are assuming?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/03/2011 18:38

Does he have internet access separately from you? iphone? How is he in touch with her at this time, while he is at home with you and you are on the PC/laptop MNing?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/03/2011 18:40

Why are you sorting out the dcs? Are you doing it together? Or you putting them to bed alone?

What is he doing exactly right now?

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 18:44

Love, I just don't understand why you are happy to accept just being his domestic skivvy while he gets all the fun with another woman.

Can you not understand just how much he has detached from you ?

You actually don't need to detach from him. He might look like the man you married, he might even act like him sometimes, but this new person is someone you do not know.

You can try all you might to "attach" back to him, but he sees you as nothing more than a convenient housekeeper at the moment.

Can you see that ?

Would you like your children to understand that is all he thinks of you ? Or of women in general ? Sexy bit on the side for him and doormat wife who keeps her gob shut whilst putting another load of laundry in (and racking up the Mogadon).

It is horrendous.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/03/2011 18:52

peter you know how much I love you, but I dont think its helps the poor HMH to bang on about how he doesnt love her and has detached and is using her and she is a doormat.

I think I have done the same and its so painful to read in the early throes.

because its so fresh and farkin painful.

And the sun goes down and the night kicks in and the husband is still there and he gets tired and droopy eyed and the OP is knackered beyond belief and they both end up taking 'comfort' in each others arms only its not comfort. gaaaaahh

HoldMy, I am going to stay up as long as possible to get you through another evening.

Please let me ring you - PM me your home number - and I will tell you a couple of jokes which are really good and you can belly laugh in front of him
I am so sorry your family are rubbish. You will find good close friends after this - you have relied on twuntface for too long. (((I)))

Humour is Healer.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 23/03/2011 18:54

Horrible atmosphere for children to grow up in too. I understand the financial difficulties, but I'd honestly rather lived in a rented flat than live in this atmosphere or expose my DCs to it.

Ok. Your parents might be emotionally deficient, but would they consider giving you a loan to tide you over for the period it might take for the house to sell and your H is contributing less? Or pay for your rented accommodation while you get some repairs done (if necessary) to rent the house out until it sells?

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 18:55

UA, I love you too

That is all Smile

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 23/03/2011 18:57

We both have IPhones so easy for him to keep in contact with her whenever he wants.
I am not doing any washing or ironing for him.
I did cook tea for all of us but he washed up.
I have to keep house clean for kids.

The kids really love him - that's really hard - watching them with him. He comes in all 'fun' while I just seem to tell them off. : (

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 19:04

I love HMH too

I just wished she loved and cherished herself a bit more...

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 23/03/2011 19:06

If I move out of house and mortgage not paid / house repossed I will be liable for outstanding money on house.
My parents don't have much money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 23/03/2011 19:07

Am seeing counsellor tonight - 8pm

OP posts:
Xales · 23/03/2011 19:10

Good luck with the counsellor. Be very honest not matter how stupid or pathetic you think you sound.

/hugs

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 23/03/2011 19:20

Going to get ready for counselling - will check in later and update! Thanks again everyone for support - you are being so kind - it is really helping me stay sane!

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/03/2011 19:34

hug for you PeterA.

Please update us after your session HMH. as I am on my fifth bag of cheesy wotsits and I might have to eat another

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 19:43

and for you (( UA ))

Except you are covered in orange stuff and stink of cheese

Much like myself Wink

UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/03/2011 20:28

Have had a bath

scrubbed wotsity nails

fresh knickers.

Brushed teeth.

Now tucking into lasagne, with spinach, rocket, coriander, toasted pine nuts, toasted pecan nuts all thrown around in toasted sesame oil and drizzle of garlic oil.

You will be doing this one day soon OP. We could all meet in Harbourne for a summery bbq.

One of my best friends lives in Quinton. He can play countless instruments. .

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 23/03/2011 21:23

Ok - back from counselling. Was ok - not really sure what I expected. She mostly just let me talk. Going back next week so maybe more in depth then?? Tended to just note what some of issues were this time......maybe I am just looking for easy answers.
Did not tell h where I was going, just said out.
Feel numb now - thought counselling would be more upsetting.

OP posts:
Xales · 23/03/2011 22:42

Hey Hold.

Numb isn't always bad. It can help you get through shock until you have time to process and absorb what you need to.

Give it time. You have been together a very long time. Expect it to take you a very long time to get over it.

I always think that if there was a quick fix and you are over it then your feelings weren't that deep/strong anyway. This is purely my personal opinion.

Someone said there are stages you will go through during all this. Hopefully they can come along and let you know what they are. You will be like a rollercoaster.

Just keep coming back here and offloading there is normally someone to support you even if it is just me talking rather than one of the wise women.

I hope you get some sleep. /hugs

sufficient · 23/03/2011 23:16

I think you're wise Xales :) I wanted to post something nice for hmh but didn't know what to put. What Xales said Grin

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 24/03/2011 08:21

Another day. H just left for work. I told him that I was not happy him living here and that it was short term.
I also told him that his lack of empathy was hurtful.
He said sorry and that he did not want to hurt me but what was done was done.
I feel so torn - I feel angry with him for what he has put us through but I still love him so much.

OP posts: