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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 22:46

Puffling - I would love someone rich to rescue me!!!!

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 30/03/2011 22:53

No, you don't have to consent to him taking them abroad.

Tell him you will not be discussing ANYTHING to do with the DC until he is OUT of your home.

ScaredOfCows · 30/03/2011 22:58

And until you have spoken to your solicitor AGAIN (but don't tell him when your appointment is) Grin

blinder · 30/03/2011 22:59

It depends on their ages and how such a holiday might affect them. You are entitled to say no to anything that you think may upset your children. Mediation is the preferred route to sort out things like contact. If you wanted, you could just make life very difficult by not turbot up on time etc until he decides to get a legal decision. Hopefully it won't come to that and he will be reasonable about the kids. He probably wouldn't want to spend a week with them miserable no matter how callous he is being towards you.

It sounds like he is in defense mode. He's actually quite frightened of what you will do (move a lodger in? WTF?) and is posturing to intimidate you. Don't buy into it. Take one day at a time.

As a tip, most women make decisions on the basis of why is best for their partner and children as an automatic habit. You'll probably have to practice listening to your own instincts, desires, needs etc to make much more selfish decisions now. Ask yourself regularly, 'Is this really what I want to wear / eat / do? How comfortable am I with this? What feels most acceptable / easy / right / appropriate for me now?' Use your literal gut instinct to guide you. Become a good listener to yourself. You can trust yourself to know deep down what is right for you and the kids.

Simply remove yourself from any conversation / room / promise / obligation / arrangement that does not feel right for you.

blinder · 30/03/2011 23:00

Turbot up on time???!!
Thanks autocorrect Grin!

I think you know what I meant.

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 23:04

pmsl @ turbot

HanBanan · 30/03/2011 23:09

The only solution to this is to get him out of the house. have read the thread and;

  1. Do not have any more conversations with him. At all. The only thing you need to say to him is 'I want you to leave my home'. That's it. Be harsh.
  2. He's taking the piss. what men do when they fall out of love and get a sniff of some other woman is they instantly start thinking of how they can keep the cushty life with you and yet have the lustiness with her. He is being purely selfish. He will lie and drag you down and abuse you mentally to get you to comply and make his life easier.
3.i know you worry about the legal complications of him getting out of the house but you say he's lost his keys so simply wait for him to leave the house and then lock all the doors. Get the locks changed. Pack all his stuff. Take it to his OW's house. Can't see any problem legally. He's ended the marriage with his affair. You get to keep the house. This is your crucial step. This must happen in order for you to get on with the rest of your life. Don't give his feelings a second thought.

Once he's out you then look at finances. There are ways of getting a break from the mortgage if you speak to the bank about your circumstances. Look at reducing your hours at work, because you will find tax credits might make up the difference you lose in your salary. Your head is going to be pretty fucked so you need to take some time off work. Plus you'll be single parenting so you'll need the energy.

Actually it is what he is going to do next that you will need the extra energy for. because he is going to fight you all the way for a divorce settlement and he will fight against paying maintenance and he will fight any access arrangements you try to set down on paper. Because that's how he's going to punish you.

Once he is out and you are more stable emotionally then you can decide if you are going to stay in the house or sell it etc.

Good luck. x

HanBanan · 30/03/2011 23:10

Oh and get the kids' passports and accidentally loose them round your mums' house or somewhere, then talk about the holiday later in the year. What the fuck does he think he's doing talking about that stuff now?!?!?

HanBanan · 30/03/2011 23:14

Sorry and one more thing. Take control. He's running the show and that has got to change.

BelleBelicious · 30/03/2011 23:42

Just wanted to agree with HanBanan. He is controlling you. The situation is shite, I know and you're bloody miserable and just want it to go away. But it won't and you will feel better - even if it's just a little bit, if you take back control.

Love the idea about 'losing' the kids passports at your Mums. I think you should make plans for whatever is best for you now. Time to put yourself first, your husband's doing exactly that and he's walking all over you.

JustMeAndMyBoo · 30/03/2011 23:47

peter, i am chunks.
i have just set this up as it has been requested that my chunky account is banned, i have no idea who the other person is, or him mum, or whatever.
i sorry if i have offended anyone and i have decided not to post on here again as i cant deal with this weirdness on tp of everything, just so you know, my question was genuine and i was not trying to fool anyone. Thanks for the 2 day friendship and the great advice.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 31/03/2011 08:03

Another day - wonder what treats today will bring.

OP posts:
blinder · 31/03/2011 08:09

Put on music that he hates. Invite friends round. Have a laugh somehow today. Fuck him. Show him he's not welcome. X

ledkr · 31/03/2011 08:56

my mate had her ex living in their house when they were split.Bit different to you tho as she didnt love him and he refused to leave.He was horrible btw and had assaulted her in the past.
We used him as a babysitter,came in late and even had some male friends round for drinks.He still didnt go,he tried to win her back by cooking tea-she didnt eat it-and buying tampax in his weekly shop Grin yep a real charmer.I think she left eventually and rented as the house had very little equity and high mortgage.
He moved a lodger in then and her rented house was spitting distance from his house,we used to come home late and run up and down the alley next to the house to make the lodgers dog bark Grin we were very naughty hehe
Did you plan anything for mothers day yet?If it helps ill be on my own as dh is working and i doubt my newborn will have popped to town,im going to eat popcorn with dd1 and watch a movie.
My ex wouldnt have got me anything anyway.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 31/03/2011 15:41

On my own with dd today - had lots of good intentions to go out somewhere but just feel so lethargic. Wish I could have a normal life again with normal everyday problems!!

OP posts:
ScaredOfCows · 31/03/2011 15:54

It's not really surprising that you feel so lethargic - he is draining every bit of your energy with his cruelty and game playing.

You will have a normal life again, but probably not with him in it. The sooner you can separate properly from him, the sooner you can start to rebuild your life. Remember that none of this is your doing, he has caused it all and continues to treat you appallingly.

Have you managed to get through to WA today?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 31/03/2011 17:07

not phoned WA today.
trying to weigh up options and get a plan.........

Sit it out - try and stay sane - keep encouraging h to move out - stash money etc

Me move out and rent (H could not afford mortgage, debts, bills etc so would default)

Start divorce proceedings and force house sale (means I would have to pay share of joint debts)

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 31/03/2011 17:08

Would quite like to take kids away for a bit over Easter - any ideas for really cheap breaks?

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ScaredOfCows · 31/03/2011 17:47

You really need some advice specific to your situation, either from your mortgage lender to find out exactly what you could do with regard to your house mortgage, given that he won't leave the property following marriage breakdown, or from WA who will have heard this story so often and will be able to advise you appropriately - preferable from both.

I can't see that sitting it out would be a viable option for you, far too mentally stressful, given his current behaviour. Not good for your children either, since he is involving them really by forcing your low mood and pushing you out of the way, whilst he comes in and plays fab dad to them.

I realise it must be so hard to do this, but you really must get advise and move this forward.

blinder · 31/03/2011 17:49

How old are they HMH?

blinder · 31/03/2011 17:54

I think it's worth mentioning some things about WA.

They don't have an agenda about what you do but will talk through your various options with an open mind.

They are the experts in legal and financial issues around separation. They understand the law inside out. Including property.

And you don't have to be a victim of violence to be entitled to their advice and support. They exist to prevent all sorts of domestic abuse, including emotional and financial.

They are well worth phoning HMH. Especially if you cam compile a list of questions. When you get an eventual phone appointment you can go through them one by one.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 31/03/2011 17:59

thanks Blinder - will try WA again. Feel guilty ringing them when they are so busy and there are other women facing physical violence.

I was going to ring mortgage Co but not sure what to say as situation uncertain. Mortgage is already on a low fixed rate interest only so not much room for manourve.

OP posts:
Zellys · 31/03/2011 18:05

It's worth calling the mortgage co. anyway, so that no changes are made without your authorisation. Don't want your H remortgaging or anything!

For a break, how about Butlins/Haven? Not exactly chi-chi, but not expensive and good fun for kids.

blinder · 31/03/2011 18:23

Yes Butlins a good idea. I went once and found it easy with small kids. And some space away might be just what you need.

Find out the situation with mortgage holidays. And certainly check As Zellys says that nothing can be changed without your express permission.

Don't worry about not going out today. Give yourself a break. You are dealing with a crap situation. Your energy will come back one day.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 31/03/2011 18:33

He's home : (

have looked at Butlins - still probably more than i can afford.
Wish it was warmer and we could camp!!!

OP posts: