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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
ledkr · 30/03/2011 21:37

agree blinder,anger will take her thru.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 21:37

Back from counselling. I have tried wa several times today - each time I get a recorded message and told to hold for an advisor then after about 5 mins it says all advisors busy & leave message for call back. I don't want to leave message.

Counselling was helpful as I could talk things through. H on phone when I got in then he got up & left room still on phone.

Counsellor was trying to get me to think about what I can do differently to stop h getting to me.

OP posts:
cheekyprincess · 30/03/2011 21:38

If it is so plain to see hmh is not ready for this step, should we not focus on the steps she is taking and does feel ready for? Certainly you both, ledkr and peter. You have both been a pillar of strength throughout for op, just feel maybe pushing her when she's wounded and not ready may be unfair. I agree it is a much needed course of action, but the true benefits will only come if hmh can take these steps willingly. and say he's smacked her about :o

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 21:42

I don't think I could lie at the moment - not because of morals really but because I am finding the truth so confusing that I couldn't cope with adding lies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 21:45

I guess what I need to try and do is find ways to cope with h being here without letting him upset me. Any ideas?

OP posts:
easycomeeasygo · 30/03/2011 21:46

keep doing what your doing, he's the liar not you, the truth will all come out, everyone will see him exactly for who he is. xxx

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 21:47

cheeky, with respect, I said that HMH wasn't ready for such a step

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 21:48

chunks have replied to you over on lone parents

Xales · 30/03/2011 21:50

Glad you found the councelling helpful. Your councellor has a very good point. You cannot change his nasty behaviour all you can do is change your response to it. For example, don't ask him when he is moving out because you know the answer you will get.

Walk away if he starts telling you stuff you don't want to hear. You know you are a good mother. Maybe this last week you have not been 100% there for them but that is totally understandable.

You do not have to have these conversations or listen to him. Put a lock on the inside of your bedroom door and lock yourself in there if he is talking at you or go out for a walk. 15 minutes will not harm the children.

Put a lock on the outside of the door and lock it when you are not in there. Keep any paperwork you need safe in there and away from him.

Disengage from him apart from on a basic level over the children, he has already proved in this last week he has no interest in saving your feelings in the slightest.

Just carry on organising what you can and sorting your options re mortgage, renting etc. Once you feel you are in a position to take things forward tell him to discuss it with you, come to mediation or your lawyer will communicate with his. Emphasis that the last option will cut into those non existant funds he wants to protect by not moving out.

Start keeping a diary. This thread can give you plenty of starting points for his attitude and behaviour. Times and dates. Even if it is not useable other ways it will be fantastic for you to look back at if he denies or says different things to previously.

Xales · 30/03/2011 21:52

Oh and don't know if you did but please consider an STI check Sad

ledkr · 30/03/2011 21:55

I know cheeky i am a right old fiesty knickers,i can thelp it im so mad and hmh i actually remember the pain you are in and its 6 yrs later,you dont remember labour but do remember HEARTBREAK for sure.

Hmh i did a course a few yrs ago about managing your feelings,they said you cant change anyone elses behaviour but you can change your response to it.

The process took you from what behaviour upsets you?
How does it make you feel,
what do you do about it,
what does that lead to
what could you do differently
and what would happen if you did do it differently.
Does that make sense?I found it very helpfull.

The person who said that you have changed loads in a week is correct,whatever you do now things cant get any worse and eventually this nightmare will be over xxxx

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 21:58

Thanks everyone for being there - it really, really helps and means I keep some perpective & don't go totally mad!!!

OP posts:
Xales · 30/03/2011 21:59

We are all as mad as a box of frogs and you will sooooon join us mwhahahahaha

ledkr · 30/03/2011 22:00

xales,some great ideas there,how about getting a dvd player or freeview in the boudoir,that way you and the kids or you alone can pile into bed and watch films.Yes make your bedroom a little haven,magazines,chocolate a travel kettle and a tin of biscuits.Ooo it sounds great i could lock out the baby,get some sleep Grin

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 22:09

Would like to plan some nice things with kids .....

Not looking forward to Sunday because it's mothers day and I am sure h won't help kids do anything for me.

OP posts:
Xales · 30/03/2011 22:14

Don't expect him to do anything.

Don't wait for him to do anything.

Organise what you would like to do with your children and do it.

Do not even consider him. He is unimportant.

ledkr · 30/03/2011 22:23

Thats a nice idea,will be nice for them too as will have been noticing things arent right.Why not plan a little trip out on Sunday then to get away from all the expectation.Saturday you could put out a load of art stuff for them to make cards and then Sunday morning all have tea and toast in bed for mothers day.
Doing stuff alone with kids will make you feel independent and confident.
I took mine to spain and felt all proud and told anyone who would listen that i was a single parent,he'd only been gone about a month Grin

WMDinthekitchen · 30/03/2011 22:23

I am so sorry you are going through this. He probably can't believe his luck that you still want to feel close to him - it may help him to justify his own behaviour to himself. You need advice on benefits, finances & the legal position. Oh, and baked beans contain a fair amount of protein. There are lots of women like you out there, perhaps you could contact Gingerbread or the National Council for One Parent Families or whatever it is called now. Also, there might be MNers in your area who would come and drink coffee (or whatever) with you or meet you in a cafe. It's hard to go it alone but it gets easier. Good luck!

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 22:27

please, please, please do not wait and hope that he will plan a nice family day for you on Sunday

I can see that you are

even if he does make a half-hearted effort for the kids, I would refuse to let him play happy families with you

he has forfeited his right to all that, and it would be soul-destroying for you

I hope you are getting past the hope stage, love

it will kill your spirit

HerHissyness · 30/03/2011 22:32

Agree with Pete, stick 2 fingers up to him and don't even flaming invite him. Take your key and stay out the whole day.

Start as you mean to go on. If you include him in this charade, it'll be showing him you can tolerate him in your life. You can't. he needs to go, he needs to see that you don't include him in your plans anymore.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 22:33

No - I don't want family day - he has said he is working sat & sun afternoons anyway. It would be nice for kids (& me) if he helped them write a card.

Think I will Plan something for me to do with kids instead.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 22:36

good girl x

Pandamoanium · 30/03/2011 22:38

HMH - why don't you go out with the kids for a special MD treat? It doesn't have to be a big one - just you and them alone. Sorry, heave been reading your thread, but I can't remember how old they are.

puffling · 30/03/2011 22:40

You're very brave hmh. I wish someone rich would come and rescue you. Am thinking of you. x

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 22:44

I know I am jumping way ahead ......but just something h said earlier playing on my mind. We were supposed to be taking kids on holiday abroad in June, it is part paid for but still substantial amount to pay. I had considered going with a friend but realistically don't see how I can afford it so I told h I thought it best we cancel it & I'll take kids on cheaper uk holiday. H not happy with this and retorted that he would also be taking them away on holiday. Can I stop him taking them on holiday - I would hate to think of them being away even for a week with him. How does access effect holidays?

OP posts: