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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 18:36

I have asked various sources including legal topic on here all say no occ order with physical abuse.

I told him that I was feeling upset because I had some bad news about my dads health today - he said that I was using that to be manipulative and it affected my dad not me. My dad has cancer, had surgery 4yrs ago then it came back & he had radiotherapy last yr - found out today his test results this week not great & he is not feeling that well. My parents have always been so good to h - it is like he has lost all compassion for anyone except himself & ow.

OP posts:
ScaredOfCows · 30/03/2011 18:38

Did you get through to WA? He may not have been abusive previously in your relationship, but he is being now.
Can you phone some estate agents, get valuations and just put the house on the market? Would give him a shock to come home a see a sale board (not sold a house for a few years so not sure if both owners need to sign??). Could you speak to your mortgage lender and tell them the situation, see what their advice is??
You really need to be apart now. It was bad enough at first when he was being pleasant(ish), but now he is being cruel and abusive and there is only so long that a person can take that sort of treatment - especially when you are fragile anyway from all of this.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 18:39

I don't want the kids to have to stay in a hostel - I feel so bad for them anyway.
It is really difficult with 3 kids if I just had 1 I could stay with someone for a while but not with 3.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 18:41

We both need to sign to sell. I will try phoning mortgage company tomorrow. Still can't get thru to womens aid.

OP posts:
chunkybum · 30/03/2011 18:43

you have to weigh up the pros and cons of staying or leaving, then make a clean break decision, if you keep bumbling along with him in the house he will continue to wear you down.
Children are surprisingly not affected by breakups but are actually affected by continuing animosity between parents due to a break up.
What is worse?? staying away for a few days (like a little holiday) or keeping them in the midst of a horrid situation?

ScaredOfCows · 30/03/2011 18:50

You actually hold so many of the key cards here. The children will live with you, he will have to pay maintenance for them, you are forcing him to go at a pace he is obviously very unhappy with. He is panicking and digging his heels in to buy time for himself - you have him on the run as he watches what he has put together all his adult life collapse around him. He has caused it, but you are dictating that he hurries.
In the meantime, whilst you continue to try to get phone contact with WA, could you email them for email support and advice - is your email private from him?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 18:52

They go to school in the village - all their friends are here - I am guessing the nearest hostel would be in town - 8 miles away. I don't think I can do that to them. I guess I just need to get through next few days. H said he is out Friday, working Saturday - that only leaves tonight, tomorrow & Sunday. He is seeing his sol Monday so hopefully will move out after that - if not I will have to rent somewhere for me & kids.
If I do move though how would I do it - how would I pack etc without him knowing? CSA takes up to 4 months to pay - would need that for rent. Tax credits stop as well and can take a while for new claim.

OP posts:
blinder · 30/03/2011 18:53

You are not a bad mother OP. You are just reeling from the situation he has dumped you in. Your whole life and future have changed permanently and through no fault of your own. He, meanwhile, is doing all the rejecting, all the planning and reaping all the benefits of the OW's devotion.

You are doing the best you can. You are remarkably strong. He is the controlling one. He leaves you emotionally but refuses to go physically. To criticise your parenting at this stage is mind-bogglingly pathetic.

Take one day at a time. Make a plan. I agree that WA can help you sort through his emotional abuse of you. I think renting a smaller place is the easiest route for you from what you've said. Is there anyone you could ask for a loan for a deposit? (still siphon the money off for as long as you can). Don't let him undermine your relationship with your children. He wants everything but he can't have it all. You are still their mother.

I hope your father isn't as unwell as you fear. Your H is a total shit for minimising that. Sad

blinder · 30/03/2011 18:54

WA can help with all that financial advice.

blinder · 30/03/2011 18:56

Have you tried their helpline or email as suggested above?

www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010018

blinder · 30/03/2011 18:56

Crap. Hang on.

www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010018

Xales · 30/03/2011 19:05

He IS being abusive.

Mental abuse and cruelty are becoming far more recognised.

Please look into it.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 19:23

It is the helpline I've been calling.

He just came upstairs - said we need to be objective and find way to live in house together. He suggested formal agreement setting boundaries.
I said I will not agree to living in same house.
I told him he has caused this and one day will look back & regret how he is behaving and what he has done.
He said he has heard it all before and if I am trying to make him feel bad it isn't working.
He asked again if I can get him keys cut - I said no!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 19:24

I have counselling session tonight . Feel too exhausted.

OP posts:
blinder · 30/03/2011 19:44

Just tell the counsellor you need hand holding tonight. It's important to make those appointments that you don't feel you can face. They are often the most helpful.

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 19:46

don't cancel the counselling this evening

cheekyprincess · 30/03/2011 19:54

Go to counselling. We will all be here when you get back. Well done for staying strong for another day.

goingbacktowork · 30/03/2011 20:12

Can one of us not get through to WA and get them to call her back at some point? It is ridiculous that she cannot get through after hours of trying.

We are all good at talking on here but HMH are you getting ANY RL support?

Xales · 30/03/2011 20:29

He doesn't understand or care. He can be objective because he left the relationship along time ago and no longer cares about you (or what happens to the children long term).

Point out he left the relationship a long time ago when you were still trying (when you thought he was and he was still deceiving you) and that YOU have only in the last few weeks realised what a deceitful, lying, cheating bastard he was and so the end of your marriage is still new and raw.

You are still processing your grief over it.

easycomeeasygo · 30/03/2011 20:47

words fail me, I cant wait till the shit hits the fan, it's going to be no fun for him and the dirty little slapper then is it...i wish them every unhappiness in the world and as for you sweetheart...keep at it...it was only just over a week ago you still wanted him with you, you've come a long way even though you probably cant see it at the moment. No advice really, i've already said my bit in an earlier post. But just to let you know I'm thinking about you. xxxxxxx

ledkr · 30/03/2011 20:52

Does anyone think hmh is not calling wa as she cant face it (sorry hmh) its understandable tho,how about the rl offers of support go with her to wa?This is one of the most hosrrible situations ive come across on mn,its losing me sleep never mind hmh.
Maybe if she doesnt mind one of us should phone them and ask some advice.
I have to say id have lied bu now and say he slapped me,am i a really bad person to think that?Shock

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 21:17

I think it completely clear that HMH is not ready to talk to WA

chunkybum · 30/03/2011 21:32

hi peter, i need ur wise advice, ive posted a AIBU in the loan parents section, please could you give me some advice.

OP- you have come so far in the last 5 days, we have all seen you get stronger and stronger, it will take timebut i truly believe that you will leave this PRICK and be so much happier!

blinder · 30/03/2011 21:34

I can understand her reluctance. Her H is behaving like a prick but she has been told that only physical abuse gets her protection in the law and she's unwilling to lie. I wouldn't lie in her position either as keeping the lie up would probably add to the stress and cause unknown consequences.

WA would definitely treat this as emotional abuse and would offer support but not advise the OP to do anything that she was uncomfortable with.

WRT phoning WA on her behalf - that's not the best idea (quite disempowering for OP not to mention risky) as WA will only speak to the woman herself for ethical / confidentiality / safety reasons.

I think the OP is working things out quite well. She has only had a week to adjust to losing her husband and home iirc and is now getting appropriately angry. The longer he disregards her feelings, the more angry she will get IMO. The best course of action will emerge.

Sorry to discuss you OP Grin. Just wanting to share my tale on your situation. Feel free to correct me!

blinder · 30/03/2011 21:35

My *take on your situation

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