Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

I know what you are saying about changing locks but I don't think it would help. He would just be more determined & kids would see nasty scene. I think I am best at the moment to just make things difficult for him living here.
Have told him again this morning that I want him to leave asap. He said he will see his sol first.

Don't think I would get hb because I work. Will ring womens aid later and see what they say.

Hi, HMH. I am so sorry to hear of your situation, it sounds hellish.

Although, I wouldn't mess up your credit rating by missing mortgage payments if you are looking to either buy/rent somewhere else. Also, I remember from other threads that the courts do not look favourably on people who change locks or clear out bank accounts.

Sorry to not be more constructive. It sounds like the best option may be to save up money and planning your own move. Slower but maybe just starting to plan may make you feel more in control. Please don't be in thrall to this man. He is not considering you or the children at all. x

You need to find exactly what you would be entitled to re housing benefit, tax credits etc. When you know exactly what you are entitled to, what he would be required to pay re maintenance, then you can start making concrete plans.

You may be better privately renting in the short term as the house might not sell that quickly and tbh you H may not co-operate with selling the house ie he may decide to sit in house in his scanky pants whilst people are being shown around etc.

You need a plan of action so whatever he does does not impact on you too much.

I am a lurker with little to offer

However you can find out a little more about what you would get if you were on your own if you try this site.

www.turn2us.entitledto.co.uk/entitlementcalculator.aspx?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1

I really hope all works out for you. Please take care of yourself and try and find one nice thing today, even if it is as small as a really nice cup of tea. You deserve good things.

example= me single mum of 2 with 600 pound mortgage nd one in childcare 2 days,earned about 900 from part time work and recieved about 350 tax credits,i recieved no maintainence.
Friend,same income and children/childcare rent 700 and recieved maintainence-she recieved about the same tax credits and also had most of her rent paid This was 4 yrs ago,i know what id do if i ever get divorced again-RENT-.Hope this helps you make a decision.

Either way hmh well done,you are achieving so much at the moment and sounding stronger,everytime you tell him to leave he must feel a little bit more fearfull as he knows the odds are more stacked against him.

I think womens aid will be a revealation for you they are great people,dont delay.

Have been trying womens aid helpline but can't get through just get voicemail - feel bad for calling them if they are so busy as h is actually being physically threatening.

We rent, dp works full time min wage, im a sahm. We get housing ben, council tax ben & tax creds.
Hope this helps, the more you earn the smaller these payments will be. Just in place to top up income.
I think renting would be the way to go, I wouldn't worry about the house. Clearing debts with the sale of house would be a fresh start for you and dc
x x

Please keep trying Holdmyhand - it's what they are there for.

Hi, I'm very late to your thread and can't offer anymore than the excellent advice you've already had, however, I do live in Leicester and would be more than happy to be a shoulder in RL. Feel free to PM me.

Stay strong x

that would be good hmh,a rl bit of support.

Right- emotional abuse will cause you physical harm,depression is a physical condition as in the chemicals in the brain,aslo i bet you are not eating or sleeping properly,all physiacal effects so dont worry about calling womens aid.

Have just read through your thread - he's a real piece, isn't he?? You've achieved a great deal in a short space of time - finances, solicitors, starting to detach from him - I hope you recognise how well you've done.

Also in the E Mids (Derbys), if I can help at all.

I have checked out hb - would not be eligible while I own share in house (or if house was sold & I had any savings) if I didn't own house I would get some hb.

H will be back soon.

Thanks for offers of RL support.

I don't feel as if I have achieved a lot - still feel confused about what I am doing, still stuck with h in the house, still not being very good mum.

How long before I will feel better and start to enjoy life again?

H is back : (

Still here showing my support to you, I had a rare weekend away and have just caught up on this thread. It's a crap situation you are in hun and hopefully he will grow a pair soon and move out, but until then just try to make it as awkward for him as possible xx

Only been home 5 mins and he is already being unpleasant. I asked him when he is seeing his sol - he said I am controlling and that I have no right to know that information. He said I am not a good parent because I argue in front of the kids!!! I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!

I hate this situation - I am sat upstairs crying while he plays at being daddy to the kids. He said he is not going to move out & that I should.

Can you arrange finance/loan from anyone to get deposit and advance rent ? This could be a long protracted situation, I know somebody who had to endure living with H and 4DCs for over a year because he wouldn't move out (she had an EA). It was terrible, one staying in the upstairs of the house whilst the other had the DC and visa versa. In the end he eventually bought her out of the house but it took a long time and he certainly didn't make it easy for her.

Will there be much equity left over once the house is sold and the debts paid off ?

HMH, one day, somehow you will be out of this.

Why are some men such a'holes??

If I was in your situation, I would not pay the mortgage for a month or 2 save the money for a deposit then move out with the kids, leave him with the house, if not paying the mortgage isn't an option then squirrel away as much money as you can and get out as quickly as possible xx

Holdmyhand, another latecomer to your thread, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

One thought that occurs to me- if he has lost his keys then your insurance company might require that you change the locks for security.

I would be tempted to get an locksmith in to change the locks tomorrow while H is at work, tell the locksmith that your H lost his keys and you are concerned they may have been stolen, and make a note of who you use. Then ring the insurance company, make a note of exactly who you speak to, which department and what time, and tell them that your husband has lost his keys, you have had the locks changed, and ask what other security measures you should take to comply with your house insurance policy. I would also write to them to confirm the action taken. I'd probably also email husband's work account to say that as he had lost his keys you have complied with the insurance requirements and had the locks changed as you are fearful for your security.

If your H then causes a breach of the peace by trying to get in, or tries to break in, call the police.

Please keep trying to get through to Women's Aid, you are in an abusive situation and they are there to help you.

Don't be bullied- I was going to say into leaving your house, but there's more to it than that. He's bullying you over everything. You can start divorce proceedings without his say-so; it might be a good argument for helping move things along more quickly.

You are such a bad parent that he is happy to swan off out all night and leave the children in your care so he can fuck the OW.

He is such a good parent that he did not consider how upset the children will be when he does fuck off to live with the other woman.

He is such a good parent that he is putting HER children over HIS.

He is such a good parent that he stopped to consider how disruptive it is going to be for the children when the house is sold, they have to move, maybe change schools, live in a smaller place etc.

He is such a good parent he is happy to play the disneyland daddy and leave the real parenting to you.

Your children may not see it right now but trust me they will long term.

You have every right to know this information as you want to sort your life which no longer includes him and you need it to enable you to do so.

Go back to a solicitor and see if you can get an occupational order based on mental abuse and cruelty.

good post, xales

what he is doing is Domestic Abuse!!
You need to get yourself and the kids out of that situation.
Go to the nearest womens aid hostel of refuge to stay while you sort out the arrangements for the house.