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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 22:56

He even suggested that I move out and leave him with the kids - yeah right!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
cheekyprincess · 29/03/2011 23:00

He knows its affecting your dcs. But he is desperate. You aren't the door mat he wanted (go you :o ) He is saying these things, I assume, out of desperation. Trying to make you cower before him, return to being the submissive creature you once were. He is acting like a kid. Am currently researching suitable retaliation.

Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 23:02

piss on his toothbrush?

OP posts:
cheekyprincess · 29/03/2011 23:04

Can we form an Mn ring around your house? Keep him out that way.

Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 23:07

I honestly think he has convinced himself that this is not affecting kids, that he was justified having an affair because I was a useless, uncaring wife for however many years (has actually said that my focus was on kids not him!!!!! ) and that his lying and cheating was ok because he is 'meant to be' with OW.
I so hope she dumps him!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 23:08

Picket the house - could make some fab placcards!!

OP posts:
blinder · 29/03/2011 23:10

Leave him with the kids?!?! Is he out of his mind? He just wants you out of his hair HMH Sad Angry.

I don't think his financial right to the property would be affected if he moved out but you would have more say in court if he voluntarily left and you changed the locks for example.

Do you actually want to stay in the house or would it be a burden best left to him? What feels easiest for you?

Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 23:15

I am not sure - do not mind moving out if I could find suitable property. Could not afford to buy in village and nothing available to rent at moment - properties dont come up much to rent or buy.
If i move to nearby village then kids cant walk to school and would be further from my parents who help with childcare.
I dont like this house though and it is bigger than i would need for me and kids - garden too big too.

OP posts:
blinder · 29/03/2011 23:19

Hmm that may be the solution. I hope a rental comes up soon if so. If you don't even like the house it would be a millstone round your neck. Moving out would be more manageable I expect.

Did you discuss that eventuality with solicitors? I wonder if he could get a bridging loan to buy you out of the property?

Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 23:25

he would not get credit to buy me out - and prob wouldnt want to.

He doesnt really like house either - he only wont leave now because he is proving a point i guess.

OP posts:
Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 23:28

just looked on rightmove - rental properties all want huge deposits!

OP posts:
blinder · 29/03/2011 23:37

Parental loan?

slug · 29/03/2011 23:41

Herhissyness speaks sense. Tomorrow wait for him to go to work. Change the locks then bag up his things and deliver them to his work. Then go and have a chat with the DV team at your local police station.

Enough I'd enough. (so speakath the woman who made 3 attempts to leave the abusive arse she lived with). Do as I say not as I do Wink

blinder · 29/03/2011 23:41

By the way - if you do make plans to leave don't tell him till the day you go. The less he knows the better tbh.

KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 30/03/2011 00:02

Op - did you mention that you had a joint account? In that case can I advise you to clear it out tomorrow when he's at work? You are off work sick at the moment, yes. Call an emergency locksmith and ask them to come immediately to change the locks. Then chuck all his stuff into binbags and leave it outside the door with a note prominently displayed on it telling him that this is no longer his home and the police will be called if he makes a scene. Then call them if he does. They will remove him from the property and will advise him to see a solicitor as it is a civil matter as to the legality of you removing him. The police will only be interested in the breach of the peace or if any threats are made against you. If he persists in harrassing you afterwards the police can help you get a restraining order. Try to get the DCs to bed or at least in a room away from the front door with the TV up loud so hopefully they may be unaware. Tell them as much as you think they can take in, but say it calmly and matter of factly as they will get upset if you do.

You only immediate concern is having enough money for yourself and the DCs to eat. Other bills and the mortgage can wait. Call them and explain the situation, they will understand. Then take a week or two to GRIEVE over this man who you thought you knew but no longer exists. It is a bereavement you have suffered, the end of the life you knew. Scream and cry (when the DCs are out preferably), write your thoughts down on paper and burn them, do whatever you need to do to let out as much negative emotion as possible. Do not contact this 'man' and if he asks, tell him he can see the DCs when you have been to court (you will probably let him see them before that as they love him, but say this just to keep him away while you do as I said above to buy yourself some time).

You can sort out all the practicalities after this period of 'mourning' when you feel better. I know you are worried about the financial implications but that can wait, just get this man away from you for now and get some headspace. Maybe he will come to his senses when he sees you mean business and you can work it out, maybe not. Do not worry about where he will live if the OW will not take him in, that's his problem not yours. He is an adult and remember this was his choice not yours!

You are enabling this affair while he is still able to play the loving daddy and have his exciting shag on the side and this will surely affect your mental health if it continues. He is not the man you thought he was, in fact I think he is an evil bastard as no decent human being could carry out this emotional abuse he is carrying out on you. Where you live in the future and how you will manage financially and practically is something you can think about later, the only that matters now is your health and you will manage, so don't worry about that. You may be worse off materially but you will have your self-respect and material things can be bought again, self-respect and self worth are hard to get back when you've lost them.

A relative of mine was in a very similar situation to you as in her H would not leave the house after confessing to a 3 year affair which he then flaunted to her and she actually had a nervous breakdown and nearly ended it all. He actually told their children, that it was all her fault and she was being mean because she would not let him take them out with the OW! Even the strongest person in the world would find this situation unbearable when your nose is constantly being rubbed in it.

Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 00:03

If I change locks he will break in or get kids to let him in. (he hasnt actually got keys at moment anyway!!)
he hasn't ever been violent or threatened violence so don't think DVOs would be able to help.

OP posts:
KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 30/03/2011 00:08

You could always not pay the mortgage/non essential bills for a few months to save the money for a deposit. If you have debts anyway, sort out a debt management plan later. Don't overthink the financials just now. Just get over this crisis and you will be able to think clearer.

Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 00:10

I know what you are saying about emptying account - but mortgage & direct debits will bounce.
I prefer idea of syphoning what I can while we have joint account a little at a time through cash backs on shopping!
I also intend to make it uncomfortable for him to stay here - not quite sure how but will think! Can start inviting all the dcs friends round more and my friends so he can't sit in lounge quietly.

OP posts:
KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 30/03/2011 00:11

If he breaks in when you are there, the police will be come and remove him. You could tell them you are scared of him - anything to get him out of the house!

Holdmyhand · 30/03/2011 00:13

He would wait till we went out - he knows when I take kids to school etc

OP posts:
MsPav · 30/03/2011 00:25

Phone Women's Aid tomorrow. He may not be physically threatening you (although you say he would force his way into the house against your will) but he is an emotional abuser. They will advise you, and explain how you should deal with him/the police, who WILL be able to help you..

KidsComingOutOfMyEars · 30/03/2011 01:08

OP in the end it all boils down to what you can cope with. What would be your 'tipping' point? Could you cope with him potentially inviting the OW round when you are not there (maybe you have to leave him at home with DCs at some point), could you cope with finding his dirty laundry with her perfume on or semen stained underpants? If they do not want to upset HER kids, do you not think they would take the opportunity to use your house if neccessary? If he sees he can get away with it, he could get bolder and if he can't afford a flat now, what will change, this could go on for months.

Or would you rather take control yourself instead of letting him call all the shots? In your position, I would not give a toss if the mortgage d/d bounced for a month, I would clear the bank account, get him out and think only of surviving for now. If you really think he would break in after being locked out for very good reason, I would be quite worried about his stability if I was you. You could call the police on their non-emergency number and get their advice?

[note to self - go to bloody bed!!]

countingto10 · 30/03/2011 07:29

HMH, if you haven't already done it, get all your confidential mail delivered to a c/o address (your parents?). Keep your cards close to your chest.

ledkr · 30/03/2011 07:45

hmh kids coming makes a lot of sense,My dh is police and he confirmed that they would arrest or warn of breach of peace if he bangs on door etc,i absolutley think you should call womens aid TODAY as it definately is classed as emotional abuse and you know what i would say i was scared ioo.you owe him nothing hes not once considered you.I personally would say what i had to to get him out,The renting is also a good idea as you will get housing benefit which you wont on a mortgage.with so little profit from house is it really worth the worry of trying to save it?

countingto10 · 30/03/2011 07:51

HMH, my SIL borrowed money from PIL so she could leave marital home and repaid them following divorce settlement. Is this possible for you, arrange a house and do a flit ?