Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

But he said he had spoken to a solicitor? He's playing you again. He won't know until he knows rent of the rock he's crawling under and what his bank balance is. Ugh. I am so tempted to jump in the car right now and tell him off.

HMH, I hope you realise that although I am pissing about, my presence here is in support of you x

Peter, having read this thread from start to finish, nobody could ever question that. You obviously feel very strongly about hmh and her situation. And sometimes, humour helps.

hmh-he is actually lower than the scummy men who cheat on their families,most of them realise that they have fucked up and LEAVE he really does value himself doesnt he thinking he can hang out untill it suits him and her?god i am feeling so angry now at his mahoooosive sense of entitlement and absolute disregard for your feelings,you really are well rid of him op seriously.

if anyone is going to sort him out tonight can you swing by and get me too

I agree that you could probably start making his life more difficult. Is he doing all his own washing, food and ironing yet?

Can you squirrel away money (cash) somewhere while all this is going on? Get cashback with the shopping every time and put it in an envelope. It could add up to a deposit for a house soon enough. I did that when I left my ex and it saved my sanity. It was a way of looking after myself and having some control. And the money gave me choices.

Should I bring my rotties? They are lovely dogs. But he doesn't need to know that!

thanks cheeky, just thought it might have need repeating x

Blinder - I love that idea! But does it affect credit ratings?

I meant a rental deposit obviously. Smaller garden, lower maintenance. Let HIM deal with the estate agents and buy you out? Just a thought. Clearly he can't move the OW in because of the child support issue.

Affect credit ratings how?

It just means that you look like you spend £100 (or so) a week more on food than you actually do. It's not itemised on the bank statement as cashback. One month of slightly higher expenditure wouldn't affect monthly outgoings too much if you averaged the last six months. OP's circs are changing anyway so she will have to estimate incomings and outgoings for a bit.

I meant (well dp actually. He loathes this twunt) that if she takes account over overdraft or, worse, into a reserve, that would affect her credit score. Especially if it stops direct debits coming out. Just a thought to consider.

Ah yes. Stay within the black OP. But I do recommend having some notes in an envelope. Very empowering !

Just a word of warning here OP, when my DH got legal advice following his affair, his solicitor recommended that he divorce me for my unreasonable behaviour on the understanding I might counterclaim with his adultery. He still can't tell me what my unreasonable behaviour was to this day (maybe that I didn't want him taking the DC to OW's house ).

Your H might pull this one as he obviously has no scruples at all.

In your position I think I would try and get together deposit and advanced rent for a new property, put a charge on the house so you will get your dues from it when it is sold and let him stew.

In fact don't tell him what you are doing and just disappear with the furniture one day

Yes will do that with cash back.

He said he spoke to a solicitor on the phone - I am not sure whether he actually did as it was Saturday morning and I think most are closed. I think he spoke to OW and she advised him based on her experience of divorce.

I have repeatedly told him tonight that I want him to move out - he is really digging in! Said he will see solicitor later this week or early next week then he will discuss options.....

He said that it is only me who has problem with him living here and that it is not affecting kids
He also said that I cannot judge what he has done because I am not 'pure white' - I have never had an affair - I questioned this and he said that I have committed adultery because I slept with a married man (no kids involved) when I was 18 (and single) - stupid I know but at least I can plead ignorance of youth.

He tried to bait me by saying he was going out with her friday but that he wouldnt stay over night as he was being sensitive!!!! I told him he should stay out and the longer the better!

He is raging about his keys (which he has lost!) He says I lost them and keeps asking me to get him a set cut - I've said no I will not run any errands for him. (he has threatened to take my keys in revenge - twat!)

He has gone to bed now - hope he has a crap night.

no I am not doing any of his laundry etc

Dont think I have done anything unreasonable ......yet!!!!!

deposit would be at least a months rent - would struggle to raise that for a while...but tempting!

Another gem he came out with was that if I was thinking of getting a lodger in he would have to agree to that as an owner of the property!!!
He really seems to have lost reality.

I can't believe he is comparing your teenage mistake to his affair!

What an absolute bellend. I hope you're starting to get angry OP. He's simply trying to get away with anything he can. And lying left, right and centre. Knob.

I think some solicitor has basically told him that what ever he does, he must not leave the property hence all the sh*t you are getting now.

I think you have to play him at his own game and be as sneaky and devious. I would be sorely tempted to contact OW's H and check out the story, you have nothing to lose by doing so.

I am getting angry - he is showing more and more of his unpleasant side now I am not being as compliant with his wishes.

And how can he in all reality think this is not affecting the kids!!!!!!

Am sure OW would not speak to me if I phone / turn up at her house.

I could txt or e mail but dont think she would reply - also what could i say?

I dont think his right to property would be affected if he moves out though????