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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 18:40

H said this morning she is divorcing him - I thought he would be divorcing her! Not sure of grounds but can only think unreasonable behaviour?? H said that her h knew about affair (not sure if he knows names / details) and that he took split very badly.
Not sure how he would react if I contacted him - what if he came after h?? Don't have a contact number for him but think he is on FB so could pm him.
Not sure of my motives!

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 29/03/2011 18:55

why are you believing every word that comes out of your H's mouth ?

when is it going to click he is a consummate liar ?

as you have already learned to your cost, he will deceive and manipulate so he comes out best, or to keep you onside in believing he is just a poor man at the mercy of his midlife crisis

contact who the hell you like...you may just find every single line you have been fed is complete bullshit (would put money it, tbh)

chunkybum · 29/03/2011 19:04

ahhh, that old chestnut!!!
hes a liar!!! COMPULSIVE, PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!!
say it with me!!! '' he is a liar''
you are a good mum, a good woman, a good wife, he is a shit!!!
tell him to F$£k off out of your house and take contro of the situation, I am sure he will need you long before you need him!!!!
hello again

PeterAndreForPM · 29/03/2011 19:06

hi chunks Smile

HerHissyness · 29/03/2011 19:48

Gift from Pete Seeing he couldn't actually get people to actually buy it.... Grin

Call his bluff HMH, boot him out, MAKE him go stay with the OW... seeing as she's divorcing her H.

You know what, I bloody well would call/message her H to find out what has been said her side... it's the only way you will see what a truly disgusting out and out liar he is. What have you got to lose? Respect for him? Trust? Loyalty?

PeterAndreForPM · 29/03/2011 19:53

HerHissyness, you are wrong

My mum bought 200 bottles !

HerHissyness · 29/03/2011 19:56

Yeah but she had to 'distribute' them on FreeCycle after the Environmental Health visit.... Grin

HerHissyness · 29/03/2011 19:57

half tempted to pop into a Perfume Shop now, for a whiff of PeterAndre's Mysterious Girl... Confused

HerHissyness · 29/03/2011 19:58
Shock

There's a RANGE !!!

Grin
HerHissyness · 29/03/2011 19:58

Oh, Blush here's a LINK

PeterAndreForPM · 29/03/2011 20:00

HerHissyness...just have a whiff of that < wrestles HHN to the ground and thrusts armpit under her nose >

that is all you need

PeterAndreForPM · 29/03/2011 20:01

... to feel elegant, sexy, mysterious...

UnlikelyAmazonian · 29/03/2011 20:39

Crikey! Goodness! Yes! That is absolutely right. If your H moves in with her she then loses spousal maintenance payments.

Goodness me! (litotes) they really have been thinking things through haven't they. Angry

You really have to wise up HMH

Yes, for sure, the law says that technically you can't change the locks blah blah blah but most busted marriages like yours is end up in combustion and the unfaithful wanker moves out therefore negating the need to change the locks.

In your case however, your H is being very cunning (not really. He is a first class prat) and using all the legal 'regulations' to his and Chav's advantage.

Ie waiting.

Turf him out. Give him one hour to pack his bags and go to hers. I will ring you if you say..I still have your number. I can talk you through the door slamming.

How are your DCs??

Who cooked tea and did you have any?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 20:57

I have asked /told him to go - he refuses.

Kids ok - in bed (my bed I think!!!)

My mum cooked me some tea which I ate at home here - he ate the leftovers that i didnt finish Grin

He is sat on sofa with feet up playing computer games. starting to dislike him more today!

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 21:07

trying to think through advice from sols.

If i file for divorce i could force sale of house and would prob get 60% of profit - but profit would not actually be that much. (total profit maybe 50k?)
Debts in his name (30k) i am not liable for - however if we divorce there is a good chance i would have to pay contribution to debts from house proceeds as they were run up together.
I could apply for spousal maintanence on top of CSA but prob would not get in.
I could claim divorce costs against him.
He could claim against my pension (I contributed more years than him!!)
trying to figure out if best to divorce or just seperate.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 29/03/2011 21:07

like a pig in shit, isn't he ?

cheekyprincess · 29/03/2011 21:12

Can I just drive up to yours, smack him about a bit and then drive home? Completely unhelpful, I know but this guy deserves it. So angry for you, hmh. When he's at work tomorrow, please take the fuse out of the plugs for his games consoles. If you genuinely want him to leave, you may need to start making it unpleasant for him to live in your home. Plus, its legal and you could one day look back on this and laugh.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 21:16

yes please do come and smack him!!!!!

Was thinking about getting up in night, sneaking out and swithching light on his car to flatten his battery so car wont start tomorrow!

OP posts:
cheekyprincess · 29/03/2011 21:24

No! You can't do that! You'd then be stuck with him tomorrow morning, annoyed and in the house.

Will come up with other ideas for you to have some fun with though. Assuming you want to?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 21:29

bring it on!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 29/03/2011 21:38

just asked h what is max he could afford to pay me if he moved out (removes argument he cant afford it) - he said he wont discuss it until he has seen his solicitor.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 29/03/2011 21:43

Wait for him to go to work tomorrow, bag up his stuff, call the lock smith, call a cab and get his stuff delivered to his office.

Call him up and tell him that you are slinging him out, that his stuff is on the way over, not to bother to come anywhere near you as you will call the police as he is harassing you, and there will be a breach of the peace.

Or say that you have spoken to her H and that you can either call the Police to come and have a word with him or the OW H.... Choice is his...

I mean it. bollocks to legal, he has been unreasonable and this is mental cruelty. Every man that has cheated on his wife since the dawn of time has known that he has the chance of being slung out on their ear, and this is HIS time. Tell him to take you to court. Tell him what lovely Kodak moment's THAT'LL make for the DC! he cheated on mummy, made her life hell and then had to be asked to leave, he refused, and then tried to sue mummy. he lost

HerHissyness · 29/03/2011 21:45

What IS the point of a saying like 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' if you can't kick his arse.

Surely no judge would side with an adulterer, and a contemptuous one at that?

Do we have any judges on here?

HerHissyness · 29/03/2011 21:45

Cheers for the whiff Pete... smells better than your codpiece... Grin

PeterAndreForPM · 29/03/2011 21:48

oh that takes me back...

I haven't worn me codpiece since my Michael Jackson lookey-likey days

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