Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

Awww, I thought you were the fellow chunkybum-er!

Actually don't have one anymore, thanks to the heartbreak diet. Nature's way of getting us ready for the next hunk

Sorry hmh, just so nice to be lighthearted for a change! Xx

led...never explain, never apologise

remember that, it will serve you well

especially when bringing up the subject of your fattish arse

sadly once happy again the weight returns and bum re chunks.

i have lost 3 stone on my heartbreak diet but i am a size 10/12 not 8 (i haven't been a size 8 since i was aged 8, lol)

I was a size 8 when I was born

I was a chunky baby

Chunky bummers, definitely a whole other thread

And with that image firmly imprinted in your minds, I shall say goodnight. Honest.

(((HMH)))

actually arse is always fattish (2 t's ) even when the rest of me isnt,the arse is relentless in its chunkyness.

good night suff x

I hope HMH is getting some much needed rest

hahahahahahaha, lol@ peter and sufficient, i love having excess bits and bobs from being a mother!!! i use the excuse that it gives me character!!!
I actually just believe it gives me the body of a post labouring, child bearing woman (shhhhhh, MEN- they dont need to know)

well i better be off too,may get a couple of hrs before the next feed and some qvc small hrs watching,i have thus far resisted the steam mop and wolf fleeces even when sleep deprived,i had no advice form the 16 yr old middle aged man either tsk

ledkr, the 16 yo was rather a let down, eh ?

good night and stay away from the fleeces, fgs

i loved watching QVC when i was up feeding in the night!!! i felt like the presenters actually became my friends, maybe that was a selling tactic of theirs for sleep deprived people watching QVC at 4 am?? lol

chunky...sleep-deprivation can do terrible things to you

on that note, good night and see you around, if you are staying

nite peter!

Wow, read your drama and thought you were talking about me.

I am your 3yrs later.

We still live together although I sleep on sofa. (cant bear him touching me).It doesnt actually get any better unless he accepts that what he has done is wrong. Unfortunately he has not and will not whilst he thinks he can have both of you.

I also craved the love and affection even though I knew he was still with her but over the years this turned to resentment.

Only time will tell what happens to you both however I must say that talking to her may or may not help. I did that and then found myself comparing myself to her vocally and wondering if it was her softer voice that he preffered.

I also bought loads of sexy underwear to lure him back but eventually decide he didnt deserve cuddling up to my voloptuos boobs, cellulite thighs and varicose veined legs.

My wake up call was my daughter who was 9 at the time. She said that I was always shouting at her and her brother when he came home and that we had more fun when he was out of the house. This included camping on the living room floor eating beans on toast!

U need to get signed of work for depression which means your work place have to treat you carefully then you have to make a list of all the good things about your situation and all the bad. Next you need to cry your heart out and just as your heart is breaking you look in the mirror at the state of your face and ask yourself is he really worth it?

(I havent cried since).

Hope some of this helps.

Thanks Hesa - did you stay living together throughout - why were you on sofa not him?
At the moment I can't cry, feel too numb.
I am trying to imagine living here in the house without him.
All I can see is the slog of ongoing cleaning, chores, trying to keep on top of kids, house & garden (we have a big neglected garden )
Why did you decide for your h not to leave - do you regret that choice?

heisa-how is your situation different to hmh's current one? As you still speak about yourself in such a derogatory way and are sleeping on a sofa,is that not proof that you would be better off if he moved out,and your dc's?

Being signed off with depression isnt the answer it can affect your future work record,i was in the same situation apart from,4 kids-one 8 months and was having treatment for breast cancer,we had been together 18 yrs,i didnt need to be signed off or sleep on a sofa or upset my dc's as he had the decency to MOVE OUT so that i could grieve,heal and re build my shattered life,yep it was hard yep i felt shit but i wasnt depressed i was reacting to a terribleset of circumstances.

hmh,i felt exactly the same as you re the garden and home maintainence-terrified,my friend told me "you have arms and legs havent you?" HAHA Do you think he is seriously going to devote any time to the gardening when he has her to see,and do you really thnk by not asking him to leave he will stay forever?

I agree that being a single parent and looking after a home and garden can seem overwhelming and impossible.

There are ways to deal with it all. I got a cleaner to come once a week for the first year. And maybe you'll need to take steps about the garden or even move into something more low maitenance at some point.

But you will manage absolutely fine. Really.

Ok - trying to be strong. Tried to talk to h this morning about his intentions & he was really not helpful & showed little empathy for the difficulties of current situation.
I have got appointments with 2 different solicitors today - will see what they advise and go from there. Trying to be rational and remove emotions from my decision making.
I have collected up mine & childrens passports / birth certificates and will go through other docs and put them all somewhere safe.

Bravo! Hope the solicitors appointments are going well.

solicitor might make you feel stronger,good luck,we are all right beside you xx

Thanks! Had one appointment waiting for next. Seems I can't do anything to make him move out until divorce goes through and house sold!!

Back from sols - not sure how much they helped! Seems such a minefield of ifs & maybes. Need to spend time going through everything & working out pros & cons - looks like no easy fix whether I file for divorce or not - bit of a lose lose situation either way! Can't make him leave house unless he is violent!!!
At least I prob know why he won't move in with her - she would lose out on maintenance for her divorce as would be classed as joint income.
Would it be really wrong if I contacted her h?? Don't think I would do it because could stir up hornets nest - but tempting in some ways!

Why would it stir up a hornet's nest ? I thought he knew his wife had had an affair with your H ? It could be very useful for your recovery to compare notes and he could turn into a useful ally and friend .....