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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 22:18

knowledge is power, love

you are going round in circles ATM, and not getting any clarity at all x

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 28/03/2011 22:20

I know!!!! I have been going round in circles all day!

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 28/03/2011 22:20

Perhaps just my way of rationalising!

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 22:22

or procrastinating ?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 28/03/2011 22:23

At the moment - at least superficially we are communicating, once I insist he leaves he will step up animosity & things will get difficult.
I want to make sure I am as sure & ready as I can be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 28/03/2011 22:24

Yes prob procrastinating......

OP posts:
sufficient · 28/03/2011 22:28

Hi Pete, glad you're back Grin

Hmh, you will be OK xx

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 22:28

Well yes, of course he will "communicate" with you, when you are being a doormat and enabling his Great Romance

you will see the true man when you withdraw your support and start to look after yourself

he of course will hate that, because he will no longer be the centre of your world

which is as it should be, if you could only see it

a cruel adulterer who rubs his shagging around with other women in his partner's face deserves only the scrap heap

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 22:29

hi, suff x

chunkybum · 28/03/2011 22:30

by letting him sleep with u it is telling him his behaviour is ok, and it is not
YOU are worth MORE than THIS
YOUR kids are worth MORE than THIS
HE is only worthy of loosing YOU
(and btw u are brilliant, beans on toast is actually very good for you)
loads of hugs

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 28/03/2011 22:31

I know you are right - but I still can't help wanting to believe it is not intentional and that not all his motives are bad!

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 28/03/2011 22:32

Am not sleeping with him anymore

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 22:33

what is good about his motives, love ?

apart from towards himself of course

chunkybum · 28/03/2011 22:35

good move- make sure u continue to not sleep with him,
the man sounds like a shit and he has lwered ur selfesteem to the point where u think u are better of with him being a shit than u being on u own with none of this shit!!!
U are better, tell him to pack up and fuck off and grow a pair!!!
he is a coward that needs to leave as he is dragging u down and u are worth so much more hunni

chunkybum · 28/03/2011 22:36

peter andre ---great name!

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 28/03/2011 22:36

I don't know - maybe he is confused. Maybe he wants to stay to be with kids. Maybe in his way he thinks he is helping me with kids / house etc I don't know!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 28/03/2011 22:38

How can someone change so much?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 22:38

why thanks, chunky, do you like a bit of Peter ? < sidles up a bit closer >

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 22:40

HMH...re-read suff's last post again

keep reading it

then read it repeatedly

there is nothing in his behaviour that is not completely self-serving

if he was such a good guy, he wouldn't be rubbing his extra-curricular shagging in your face

I am surprised he hasn't invited her back to your place yet, so you can all be "friends"

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 28/03/2011 22:41

He has always been there for me - we have been there for each other. Been good friends as well as everything else - how did that change, how did he become my enemy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 28/03/2011 22:43

I think in his mind he is doing the eight thing by being 'open' and not lying anymore.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 22:45

it happens all the time love, haven't you read the relationships board ? Dozens of women, all asking themselves that exact same question. They never get an answer either. They do it because they can

Just because you can't imagine yourself being so cruel and cold, don't think others aren't capable of it, that is a mistake

I am sorry to say, your situation is not that uncommon

at some point, you have to stop asking "why" and move on

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 28/03/2011 22:45

Am I being deluded

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 22:46

yes

chunkybum · 28/03/2011 22:47

i do like a bit of peter!!! not personally mind i just find him a nice guy!!!!
people do change, that is life,
however decent people help those changes fit into the life they already have, tossers decide to get a new one!
he is a fool to do this but he will not see it for love nor money hun.
u could get a boob job, make ur face plastic, slim to a size -10 and it would not be good enough for him cos he is a tosser!! he wants a fantasy life elsewhere, let huim have it, and u get ur mojo back and make the most of this amazing opportunity to seize control of ur life and make it anything that u want it to be. xx

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