Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

Part of me knows that I must stick to my guns and insist that he moves out. The other part wants him to stay so my kids (&me) still have him here. I know it is really wrong but part of me still wants him to be part of our family.
It is harder when he is being nice. I have no will power.

How much does divorce cost - I have heard so many figures banded about?

Oh but you are being strong, you are holding it all together (and remember it's all very easy for me to sound strong and decisive because I'm 2 years down the line from the hell you are in right now). You have had a real body blow and will still be realing from that.

You need some space to think, to take stock, perhaps relax a bit, and not tread on eggshells all the time. You will not have this until your H removes himself from your home. Go on, before he comes home, pack him a bag, and because he is being useless present him with a list of B&Bs, cheap hotels, rental flats. Otherwise it is him always dictating and he needs to realise that there are consequences (and yes uncomfortable ones) for him.

He said he would go, these must not be empty words.

I am afraid I cannot comment on cost re divorce as I was not married, and exP has turned out to be generous and easy re maintenance and dividing the joint finances. We have worked everything out ourselves, without recourse to litigation, which I know is not the route everyone can take.

And how will you feel if he strings you along for another week, month - however long it takes him to be ready to leave? He is making your life intolerable by staying and needs to go now for your well-being.

I wonder what he would do if he read this thread OP? I suspect that he would get a huge reality check and move out.

It must be hard to push him out of the door before you have really let him go emotionally. I hope things don't have to get much more painful for you before you lose patience with him.

But you must go at your own pace. Keep posting here. No-one thinks you are weak. We are all just trying to protect you. We understand that it takes time.

Once you are ready though - lock the fucker out!

He says he is moving out. Thoughts of divorce can wait until he has physically left. One step at a time. Yes of course you are in two minds. Of course a part of you wants him to stay. Perfectly natural.

But I do think you should stick to your plan - that he is leaving asap.

He is being nice because he knows that if he is he will muck your head about and, (knowing you as he does,) make it more likely that you will weaken and give him and OW more time to make the transition easier for them.

Having said that, HMH you can back out of this at any time you know. You can change your mind and tell him he can stay. You can back off and decide that he stays in a spare room until he decides its good to leave. Or you can demand sex relentlessly saying 'I want the most of you before you fuck off'.

You do not have to remain the woman he married anymore - anymore than he has remained faithful to the man you married.

You can change your mind and say 'look, stay here, keep paying the bills but we now live separate lives and I am going out. A LOT. You and OW look after the DCs.'

You don't have to listen to anyone except your own lovely self. Its just good to post it as it re-focuses your thoughts and feelings.

Personally, I would keep up the pressure and get his cheating face out of my home. (((())))

Have you seen a solicitor yet? if not get to one!

I'm sorry you're going through this but you need to protect yourself!

Um, yes Maggie is so right.

I do hope you followed through and consulted a sol today HMH? And re that, in answer to your earlier question yes, you can get free half hour sessions with as many as you like who do them.

You must protect yourself as Maggie says. In the fog of emotion the unfaithful partner can really screw you over.

Mine did.

No i didnt see sol today - I have spoken to legal line and got some advice but it seems that most things are by negotiation at this stage until i decide to formalise things by filing for divorce or instigating a seperation agreement. If I file i will have to stipulate arrangements for children etc - I dont really feel ready for this.
H does not seem keen that I file for D - not really sure why if he ultimatly wants to be with her?

I have been really trying to think through what to do about him moving out.

If he goes I would have less help with kids and in house and kids want him to stay. (I guess part of me also hopes that we may have some hope of reconciliation one day if he stays - sure everyone will think I am mad for even thinking that!!!!!! but if i am honest it is part of my reasoning.)
Again why does he not want to move out if his ultimate intention is to be with her? Would she not be encouraging him to move out?

If he stays we are also financially bettter off.

But - if he stays I continue in limbo - can i realistically live with him knowing he is seeing someone else?

Does him living here help his relationship with her - give him time and space to take their relationship at their pace (dont want to be part of that!)
or does him living here put a strain on their relationship (if i was ow i would not be happy with arrangement and would feel insecure about if he would ever leave etc)

Is he confused, not sure what he is doing, stuck in an impossible situation, putting his head in the sand. Is he genuine in his reasons for wanting me & him to be friends. Is he staying here to support his kids / do what he sees as the right thing?
or
does he have a master plan - is he staying here because it suits him, is he deliberately manipulating me?

is he really in love with ow? or has he got caught up in the whole situation?
is he still in the infatuation stage or gone past that?

will she be putting pressure on him - how much of this is she controlling?

SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

OP, I wouldn't think the answers to those questions really matter. What is going on in his head should be irrelevant to you now. All you need to know, and do know is that he has broken the vows of marriage, and is with another woman.

No one, and I mean no one, can live with the man knowing that, without serious damage to their self esteem. Which is already rocked.

Tell him to get out, but stil use him for the childcare he is supposed to do as a father. This is your life, and days turn into weeks, turn in to months, then years, whilst you wait for him to work out what the fuck he wants. Which he was supposed to have done when he married and impregnated you.

His time is over. Apart from anything else, even if you want him back, he has no impetus to think this through, he hasn't lost anything yet, as you're still there, waiting on him.

You will get answers to most of those questions by insisting he moves out and seeing where the cards fall

I know that I will probably have to force the issue - and that him moving out is probably the right way to go - But - I want to be really sure that I am doing the right thing for the long and short term and especially for kids.
Whatever i do will have big consequences and i will have to live with those consequences.........
I suppose i feel that if i knew more about what and why he is doing it would help my decesions....
Part of me thinks that if he is deliberatly playing games to get what he wants then i should do the same and get the best deal for me and kids, how can i make decisions solely with my head and not influenced be emotions....
Is he trying to hang on so he can 'try out' his relationship with her without losing anything here........or is he trying to gradually distance from me hoping to avoid me trying to take him for everything i can in the divorce courts (thinking over time i will 'come round' )

He won't tell you, love

He would have told you by now

I don't understand how you think you will get "answers" by clinging to this horrible situation

he doesn't want you

that seems pretty clear

why aren't you listening ?

I know i wont get answers by clinging to the situation - but i do want to make sure that my decisions are as informed and thought through as possible - difficult when i feel so all over the place......

If he really does not want me why has he not moved out? (should not think like that i know)

I am listening and really value everyones support.......I just still feel confused and am trying to think through all scenarios

i know i'm hopeless - dont despair of me!

I watched my dsf be nice and reasonable to my dm and with hindsight it was just so that she wouldn't throw her weight around to get her full entitlement in the divorce settlement, which I think she now possibly regrets.

They say that when someone shows you who they truly are, to believe them.

Think about who he has revealed himself to be through this behaviour, then muster your dignity and extract yourself from this relationship.

He has to lose you before he stands any chance of a reality check that may cause him to behave differently (which he may choose never to do anyway).

Don't "enable" his appalling behaviour - you're right to draw some very definite boundaries.

I will try and give you possible answers to your questions based on my being in exactly the same situation.

H does not seem keen that I file for D - not really sure why if he ultimatly wants to be with her?

My H blanched at this as well. It's because it smacks of reality, which of course plays no part of the affair bubble. Doesn't mean they don't want to be with OW, they just don't want to accept the consequences of their actions.

Again why does he not want to move out if his ultimate intention is to be with her? Would she not be encouraging him to move out?

At the moment their relationship is the highlights. You get all the shit. They know as soon as any element of real life kicks in, all the petty arguments that arise through living together, their perfect fantasy is in trouble.

But - if he stays I continue in limbo - can i realistically live with him knowing he is seeing someone else?

No.

Does him living here help his relationship with her - give him time and space to take their relationship at their pace (dont want to be part of that!)

Yes, it absolutely does.

or does him living here put a strain on their relationship (if i was ow i would not be happy with arrangement and would feel insecure about if he would ever leave etc)

She was perfectly happy to be seeing him while he was living with you for all this time. Don't try to get inside her head, hopefully, as a half way decent person, you wouldn't be able to.

does he have a master plan - is he staying here because it suits him, is he deliberately manipulating me?

Yes. He knows which side his bread is buttered. Who wouldn't want a wife/child minder/housekeeper to do all the work, and a girlfriend to have all the fun and sex with?

is he really in love with ow? or has he got caught up in the whole situation?
is he still in the infatuation stage or gone past that?

Whatever sordid, pathetic, insubstantial, lustful feeling that passes for love in these situations, that's what he's experiencing. The one thing that you can rest assuredly in, that real love, which is self-sacrificing and puts others first always, never hurts, never causes pain- what they have ain't it.

will she be putting pressure on him - how much of this is she controlling?

I doubt it. Sounds like she's as happy with their highlights relationship as he is. Don't let them have it.

Sorry I couldn't be more pairing for you HMH, but for me that's just how it is :(

Pairing? I think I meant positive

I don't want to enable his behaviour - I know what he is doing is wrong. I just find it hard as for 20 yrs he was a good, kind man. I am struggling to see that he has changed and that this isn't some temporary insanity.
I also don't want to kick him out then for whatever reason regret it. If I do kick him out I am sure he will find a nice flat not a cheapy and that takes money from the mortgage etc

Also, meant to say it's not a positive that they are not experiencing "real love", except insofar as it probably means at some point their relationship will come crashing down. It just means that, without a personality transplant, I don't think our H's are capable of demonstrating that towards anyone, us or the OWs.

what possible way could you regret kicking him out ?

financially ?

then quit stalling and consult a solicitor

because he will go to her ?

he already has but wants a doormat wifey for just a bit longer until the way is clear for them

because you don't want to upset the children ?

he has done that, with his own actions, are you supposed to atone for that ?

oh, and I agree with every word that *sufficient^ wrote

Thanks sufficient. I can't help thinking though if it is all part of his plan he has not planned it very well. Why wasn't he more careful that I didn't find out until he was ready to leave?

because he holds you in contempt

I am sorry to be so harsh, but you really, really must open your eyes

I will try & see sol tomorrow - i wish I could think clearly! If I see sol hopefully at least I could understand financial options.

I don't think he does hold me in contempt - I think he has treated me badly and know I have allowed him to.