Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

YES YES YES!!! Your probably hurting so much HMH, you'll get through it..like LMHF above said... its the start of new beginnings, you and your children deserve so much more and to be happy. we're all here for you. xx

Thanks - feel numb & exhausted from talking. He is not at all happy with moving out but I will keep up pressure till he goes. I am going to phone solicitor on Monday too. How do I pick a good solicitor. The one I saw for free consultation was good but very expensive.
Can you get a free consultation with various different solicitors to see what they are like.
I want to make sure that I get best deal for me & kids but don't want a long protracted battle which ends up with a unnecessarily high bill!

oh bless you hmh,brave woman,i wa so happy to read the sentence "i feel sad but better" you have not said that since it all kicked off.
Tired now but when its appropriate me and many others will tell you the fun you can have as a single mum,its certainly not all doom and gloom and your sense of pride will be immense,i am currently having a sleepover with dd1 having evicted dh to the spare room with baby cos thats what we used to do when we were on our own and we miss it,well done sweetie.

Can you ask those questions on your legal thread HMH?

Well done for putting your health and happiness first. The torture of being in limbo will be over when he leaves.

I'm glad he's going. Stand firm.

All this stuff about keys is a complete red herring. When he goes you can ask him to hand over his keys because all he needs to recognise is that this is not his home any more, but giving you the keys does not confer any loss of legal claim on the property itself.

Secondly, if you change the locks, he will have to take out an injunction to be given the new keys. If he even bothers to go to the trouble of that, it is civil not criminal law and the only penalty you will face is paying the court costs and handing over the new keys. There is a disproportionate fear on here, in my view, about changing locks and imagined penalties. If he gets an injunction, so what? I'd trade the risk of that happening in a heartbeat, to get my privacy back and to know that my home was my home.

You will put the house on the market when it is sensible to do so, until then, if he needs to raise additional funds, tell him that there will be a lot of pub work over the summer, and he could start washing up....

When I had the landlady from hell, it was clear in my contract that I was not to change locks, in black and white. I asked literally everyone, CAB, shelter, letting agents and the Police. You have the right to quiet enjoyment of your home.

A cheating H, shagging all night and coming home from her bed is NOT going to do your quiet enjoyment of your home much good at all. If you want the person to leave, and it makes sense to do so, then the Police, if called would support it. I'm sure they would try and get you to re-consider chucking him out, but if you were adamant, they would suggest to him to give you some space.

When I changed the locks, the LL had a legal letter sent to me. Change the locks back or supply a set of keys, how I was in breach of my tenancy agreement and that I had no right. I replied that I have a right to live in my home without any form of harassment, and that if they wished to challenge this, they were welcome to seek a court order. They knew there was no way a court order would be granted against me, any more than a judge is going to order you to let him back in to live with you.

Allow him access to collect his stuff perhaps, but they can't force you to live with him, AFAIK.

Take advice, and try to heed it, but if it comes down to your peace and serenity, let him go to court to force you to open a door. He doesn't deserve an easy ride, not after what he has put you through.

Oh yes, and his moving out ASAP.. ASAP is tomorrow, let him wait in a travel lodge for a more permanent home, he doesn't have to wait in your home.

I have been lurking on here for a while. I feel so terribly awful for you hmh, but so impressed by your strength and determination throughout. I wish I was even vaguely near you to offer you some real support, but in lieu of that, is there any way for mners to club together and help to fund the best of the best regards to solicitors for you? Forgive me if its not possible, but I am relatively new. This 'twunt' (UA I love this!) needs to pay. I don't have much, but willing to offer up all our spare cash (with huge support from dp I add).

Thanks everyone for support! Still really hard - another day to face today. I don't think he will go for a couple of days.
Cheeky princess - thanks for kind suggestion but could not take anyones money : )

hmh,getting up to face the day will be so much easier when hes not there to annoy you,remind you what hes up to and patrinise you by expecting to be friendly,think about it,in no other circumstances wouyld you be expected to make pleasantries with someone who had treated you so badly.

If it means alot for you to eventually get along that day will come,my ex picked me and dh up from the races last week (taxi) amongst much drunken rant from me about ho lovely it was for him to have his gorgeous ex wife in his car once again.

This comes in time tho and as i said before,he did have the decency to get his cheating arse out of our home once id rumbled him,he moved in with his parents at 34

Have you a plan for the day? Could you take yourself off for a coffee or swim or some shopping?

My heartfelt sympathies go out to you HMH. I know the pain of splitting up. . .its like jumping off a cliff and you dont know where you are going to land.

I know its such early days, , , but you WILL get through this .
You have dont the right thing putting your foot down and making him move out.
Sunday is always i think a tough one to get through... be kind to yourself ,, you deserve it. Love you kids , and treat both yourself and them. I hope for your sake your H will regret what he has done and pay the consequences. May him pay up for his kids, bills etc. Fleece the Bastard.!

It is always darkest before the dawn, the final day, hours is excrutiating.

BUT, when he actually HAS left and the tears have subsided, tears for his murder of your marriage, tears for his stupidity, tears for your having trusted him, once your home is your own and you don't hear him come in dripping from her, you will feel better.

You will feel better pretty soon. trust me, anything has got to be better than this.

HMH..I feel for you so much..please stay strong..when he leaves you will feel an enormous sense of relief that you finally have closure..Im where you are now..a few weeks back

when he finally went I had the best nights sleep in ages..since then I have gone through a whole host of emotions Im still here..in the words of the song..I will survive!

my H did the same thing..still wanted to sleep with me, cuddle etc..yet constantly reminding me he didnt love me and still cosying on up to OW at work..I dont think it was a physical affair until he left as he never went out but as a senior member of staff who had to work closely with him, there was plenty of chances for lingering looks, touching etc..I suspect that some of his work colleagues knew as well, of course OW was everything I wasnt, laid back, with a love of the outdoors, one grown up son, divorced..I have even said to him that he has traded in excitement for evenings watching Gardeners Question time. obviously the quiet life is what he has craved..keep strong..and do not let him stay any longer..every moment he stays, he chips away at your self esteem. You deserve better than this sweetheart

Difficult day today. H trying to back track on moving out. Keeps stressing financial implications & saying he doesn't want to fall out etc etc. Saying he will be more considerate & give me independence. Think I am going to have to keep pushing.

Hope today hasn't been too hellish HMH. How are you?

Feel really confused. Kids happy today because h here. We all went to park.
I feel like he is taking everything & offering nothing.

This must be an unbearable situation for you. (hugs)

It's best he moves out. He has to face the consequences of his immoral actions, which is to lose you and to lose his family unit. Then he may come to his senses, although it's a long road back for the two of you.

He has to experience loss. Up till now he's had his cake and eat it and it's not made him face reality. It's brave of you to let go but this really is necessary for your own well-being. And it could just be the catalyst that brings him back to you, though I'm sure you realise that you can't pin your hopes on that.

Get some good legal advice and back up and stick to your plans.

All the best x

Thats because he is..he cannot offer you anything and every moment that you spend with him you will be holding out hope for the two of you..he is treading water because it is convenient. Are you still doing his washing? cleaning after him, cooking for him? If so STOP..this is what I did..

Has he given you a date when he will be moving out? 'soon' is vague. Press him for a DAY. Tomorrow? Wednesday? Make it clear that now he is moving out he needs to be organising it TODAY.

Not surprising that you feel confused while he is play acting at happy families and disregarding the pain that causes you.

Nag and nag him till he goes.

I really feel for you. You don't deserve this.

Also memorylapse is so right. Stop giving him anything now including practical care. He broke the contract weeks ago. Conserve your energy for yourself and your children.

What the hell does he mean he doesn't want to fall out?!?!?!?!?!

Selfish fucking bastard.

The only reason you haven't fallen out is because you have been in shock, processing and dealing and NOW are being an adult DESPITE HIM RIPPING OUT YOUR HEART AND STAMPING ON IT.

Who else would not fall out with a selfish wanker putting OW and HER KIDS before his own, coming in stinking of all night sex with her!

The only falling out seems to come when you try and stand strong and he blackmails you about HIS RIGHTS that HE HAS CHECKED ON.

Nasty man.

Do all you can to get him out ASAP and fuck the financial implications you, your mental wellbeing and your children are worth more than this.

HMH, how are you this morning?

ok this morning. still feeling confused. H being pleasant. Obvious he does not want to move out and dont think he will do it unless I really force the issue. I wish I didnt still have feelings for him.

I'm glad it's an OK this morning. It probably helps to get the routine of the week underway, and less stressful that you do not have to keep up appearances all day for the DCs sake. Have you thought yet about how you will handle the Easter holidays, which are fast approaching?

Your H has agreed to move out. He must not back down and you must not allow him to. The one universal message from everyone who has posted (and that will include people who are happily married, separated, reconcilling after an affair) is that for you well-being he needs to move out and now. Yes, money is always a worry but it should not be his excuse (he must lie in the bed he has made and all). Why don't you pack him some bags today to meet him when he finishes work - you can simply say that it is intolerable for him to treat the family home like a hotel and come and go between it and the OW. (I used to log onto Primelocation and look at 1-bed flats that my exP could rent and send them to him with the message - this looks perfect.) Also, I'm sure there must be some B&Bs near where he works. If he was serious about moving out, this is what he should have been doing on Sunday; perhaps you will have to give him some help.

It's not so easy to switch off the feelings you have for someone, but if you are honest these are directed at the person you fell in love with, lived happily with and had 3 DCs with, not the person who is treating you so unforgiveably.

I wish I could be stronger and more decisive.