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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 26/03/2011 13:20

If he causes damage breaking in I think you'll find he can be prosecuted for criminal damage. Mouseface was, I think, when she tried to get back into her house.

Go to the CAB, get legal help, fast. Don't leave until you get advice. Occupation orders can be brought in.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 13:32

Can only get occupation order if DV

Looks like I will have to move out

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 26/03/2011 13:34

Get advice. You will need to protect any share of the property, getting a charge put on the house for starters. Also your name removed from the mortgage.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 14:02

What is a charge?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 14:06

Can I just get my name taken off mortgage?

OP posts:
blinder · 26/03/2011 14:29

HMH I've only lurked so far.

Please just go and see a solicitor on Monday. You need to talk it all through with an expert. Please don't just leave. He may move the OW and her kids into the house! You and your dcs have a right to stay there. Get proper advice before you make any decisions.

Can't you withdraw money from the joint account before you freeze it?

dignified · 26/03/2011 14:33

My arse hes seen a soliciter .
He wont have sat in some office telling a soliciter how hes having an affair but plans to stay in the marital home , its ridiculous and he would have been told that.

I would pack up his stuff , put it outside or in the garage or whatever and when he comes back id tell him hes not coming back in , and that if he trys to YOU will be the one calling the police .

Is he really going to call the police and have a public fiasco outside his house ? Do you think he,ll happily eplain to the police that hes been shagging ow but thinks hes going to live in your house ?

If he did ring them i would state whats happening , that he is being emotionally abusive and upsetting you and the children and you dont want him there . I would not hesitate in threatening to visit ow and her family if he wont go , you really owe him nothing now .

Does his family know whats going on ?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 26/03/2011 14:42

I agree. Don't leave the house or move out. You need some expert advice. Go and see a solicitor first thing on Monday - you can get half an hour's free consultation with most sols. Just ring up one near you and say you need a free half hour with whoever deals with divorce law. You need to issue a petition.

He is behaving shockingly to you and his children. What a toe-rag.

If he stayed at her place last night he can bloody well stay there full-time. I am so fuming on your behalf.

When my exh was in the throes of leaving btw, (he had transferred all our money into his own account and I had no bloody idea what he was about to do) I did lock him out. He stood at the French doors asking to be let in, I kept saying 'no, not until you tell me what's going on. You have taken all our money. You are frightening me.' He went away and I then called the police - who came round and they suggested I changed the locks. They even gave me a number and I got the locks changed that afternoon. I was genuinely afraid he was out of his mind and might harm me and they seemed to think that was grounds enough.

I wish I could help more. My exH drove to heathrow and disappeared abroad so a much easier situation in many ways, that yours! (though shitty and horrendous at the time)

UnlikelyAmazonian · 26/03/2011 14:49

Yep. Agreed Dignified. Then get sol advice first thing on Monday. I really hope you live in a nice residential area and that you have a front garden everyone can see. He will look a right knob shouting through the letter box and you can shout REALLY loudly "Go back to your affair you adulterous lying pig"

dignified · 26/03/2011 14:53

" My husband is acting very out of charecter and i am afraid ". Fuck him. Id add that hes been threatening you , ie he,ll use anything he can to fight you ect.

Get him out, threaten to go and see Ow and make a fiasco outside her house , threaten to go to their works and confront her there , do and say anything to get this nasty bastard out of your house .

UnlikelyAmazonian · 26/03/2011 14:59

Yes - do you think you can find the balls to do this HMH? Can you get someone round to be with you?

dignified · 26/03/2011 15:17

I wish one of us were nearer op , you need some looking after at the minuite . I know its not the same , but were all here .

nextchapter · 26/03/2011 15:20

Holdmyhand. You need to see a solicitor and apply for an occupational order on the grounds that his presence is detrimental to the well being of the children's emotional health. It will take three working days to process and then he will have to leave the home by court order

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 16:56

From whAt legal people said I wouldn't get order unless he was physically violent which he isn't - will see sol on mon

OP posts:
easycomeeasygo · 26/03/2011 17:15

right then, not sure if this makes a difference but when i finally had the courage to kick my ex hubby out we was renting (like i said dont know if that makes a difference) but what happened was, like your scummy hubby he stayed out..well not the night...he'd been gone the whole week...he came back demanding I let him in...bearing in mind I knew he was on his way back though...I'd already bagged his clothes and belongings...put them on top of the bin outside and said "no need for you to come in, your bags are packed ready"! He caused a big scene...kicking the doors, banging the windows, jumping over the fence...so i phoned family for back up but before I did that I phoned the POLICE! and he got took away..never to come back again, I know the circumstances are slightly different as you own your home, but I cant see as it makes much difference if he starts to cause a scene, because you then call the cops in an hysterical manor and tell them your very scared of him! Time for you to put your foot down, you have to do it now, he's behaving like a spoiled little bastard..sorry but I am so angry and I fear for you I really do. And as for the locks...cant you accidently on purpose lose your keys and phone a locksmith to come and change them? xxx

dignified · 26/03/2011 17:45

Is there anyone who can come round op ?

LittleMissHissyFit · 26/03/2011 18:52

Charge is like a loan company or mortgage company puts on your house deeds to prevent the sale without paying the debts off. when you put a charge on the property, Land Registry can't transfer the house to anyone until the charge is cleared and confirmed as such.

Agree with everyone, bag up his stuff, when he kicks off call the police. If you are distraught inside saying he's threatened you, which he has done. they are not going to get a pocket lie detector out, they will suggest he leaves the area to prevent a breach of the peace.

Get legal advice, you might be able to get a non-molestation order in time too, but that would take some assertations from you that you are fearful of his reactions, and in fear for your own welfare.

He is fucking someone else, he has no right to come home from that to you. He BROKE the home as they say, he has no right to be in it, you dear woman need some space and peace to grieve your marriage.

LittleMissHissyFit · 26/03/2011 18:55

If once you have him out, if he keeps coming around, then you can change the locks as you are being harassed. You would have to call the police every time he came to the house though, get it on record. Harassment is a criminal offence. He would have to go to court then to gain access.

He literally couldn't win. Every time he came round, he would be fuelling the evidence against him!

blinder · 26/03/2011 19:19

I can understand why you might not want to take some of these actions OP, especially as you haven't emotionally let go of him yet.

Please understand that most men in his position begin to act in completely unexpected ways. This is because he has a new priority. It's the other woman. He will be thinking about protecting HER from you. So he will probably behave in a callous and even cruel way to you.

This is a terrible shock. Don't get into lots more conflict than you can currently handle, but please do protect yourself and try to create as much distance as you can from him.

You will start to feel stronger when he leaves believe it or not. X

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 19:27

Think he had agreed to go!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
blinder · 26/03/2011 19:28

Fantastic! That's great news - well done HMH. What did he say?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 26/03/2011 19:51

This is very good news. What has happened? i have been thinking about you and your situation all day. When will he go? You are doing so well HMH.

LittleMissHissyFit · 26/03/2011 20:00

Great, take him up on it today. Don't let him change his mind!

LittleMissHissyFit · 26/03/2011 20:00

Today is the beginning of the rest of your happy and free life! Grin

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 21:59

Ok - have talked. He has agreed to move out asap - he has agreed to get a flat & then we will put house on the Market as soon as we can.
Feel sad but better.

OP posts:
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