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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 26/03/2011 08:46

No judge will think you are being mean for slinging him out, a solicitor could defend that behaviour in their sleep

He is intimidating you to try and keep you behaved. He literally can do nothing to you for what you are about to do. No court in the land would ever consider your behaviour to be anything less than appropriate, measured and considered.

countingto10 · 26/03/2011 08:48

I have just spoken to my DH about this (bearing in mind he did this to me). He suggests you go out now, tell the DC mummy is going out for the day for time for herself and don't tell H when you are coming back. As I said I did this with my DH and he has admitted that it made him realise that it wasn't all going to go his way.

I managed to stay out til about 8.30pm, he continually texted me asking when I was going to be back etc as he wanted me back by 4.00pm. Definitely put both their backs up Grin.

Put something in legal on here as well. There maybe a different take on things Smile

countingto10 · 26/03/2011 08:52

Thinking back, when I bagged up DH's stuff he sent an email he received from his solicitors basically saying I couldn't just leave his stuff anywhere where it could be damaged or stolen, a pre arranged time was needed to collect with a TP there if necessary. He couldn't just turn up unannounced either (for some reason even though he had right of entry - breach of peace ?)

undermyskin · 26/03/2011 08:52

And you have 3 DCs in your home and he is making that home intolerable.

Have you packed his bags (all he has from you so far is words, not action)? Do it, present him with them and keep telling him he has to go. Act cool, dignified and in control. Respect yourself even if H shows you no respect.

I know that you have said that your parents have not been supportive. But ring them again, spell out the true awfulness of your situation and ask them to come round and give you some support in this.

I'm afraid I have to go now. Act strong even if this could not be further from how you feel.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 08:55

What could police do if he has right to be here?
How can I make him go - I have told him to get out - he won't go.
I told him to move in with her - he said no coz of her kids.
How do I make him go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 08:58

My parents not around this weekend

OP posts:
Spanglemum · 26/03/2011 09:02

I've been lurking on this thread. I think you should do what countingto10 says. Go out for the day, let him look after the kids. I'm appalled by how he is treating you. Why are her kids more important than his own?
FWIW I don't think the police can do anything if he's not being violent but this situation is intolerable.
CAn you deleiver his stuff to OW rather than dumping it on her lawn?
I've never been in this situation and I really really feel for you but don't let him walk all over you.

Spangle

countingto10 · 26/03/2011 09:05

Where abouts are you in the country ?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 09:14

E mids

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 09:15

Dont want to leave him with kids

OP posts:
Skinit · 26/03/2011 09:16

HMH I have just read your entire thread and think you're amazing. To manage to keep your own dignity the way you are doin is something which was beyond me when I went through similar.

I really admire you....I lost my marbles entirely when I was in my "situation" ....you keep your cool.....

If you want him out, you should post on the legal board for advice. You could speak to CAB too....whyshould he keep coming back to you home like this?

I hope you're ok today.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 26/03/2011 09:17

Hi HMH.

What an awful situation. I can relate to it somewhat as I also had a husband who refused to go and who also actually asked me to pay him to go Sad.

However he was was not obvious as your H and it was hard to know what he was really doing.

In the end I got incontrovertible evidence and confronted him with it. I them sat him down and said that I married an honest, fine, kind, etc......man and that now I was married to a man who lied, did not behave in a trustworthy way, believed it was ok to live in a family home with his kids whilst shagging OW, etc.... I said I could no longer even look him in the eye because of the man he had become. I then left him to consider all of that, repeated my speech again two days later (he's a bit slow) and within a week he left of his own accord.

Your situation is different I know and tbh, I think by the time I made my speech XH had probably saved up enough money to leave also, but I thought it worth mentioning what u did just in case it was helpful.

You are doing amazingly well, your strength is shining through.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 09:28

Have posted on legal board

OP posts:
countingto10 · 26/03/2011 09:34

I admire you to HMH, I really lost the plot when DH did this to me. Maybe the answer is to pretend you don't care, be civil to him, offer him a cup of tea when you have one yourself etc - might make him see you in a different light. Don't enter into any conversations with him about the situation, keep the conversations about the DC. However you are feeling inside, be a strong, dignified woman on the outside.

There was an article about mid life crisis whereby the best way to handle it is to not get involved in it IYSWIM. Make sure you do not have sex with him again, get yourself checked for STIs. Look after yourself.

I know when I started taking control and taking care of myself etc, I became a different woman to DH, not just a mum, someone looking after his kids.

Hope this makes some sense.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 26/03/2011 10:33

Try having a conversation with him. Ask him on which date he is planning to leave. What are his and the OW's plans

They must have plans. So what is his timeline for leaving. You have every right to know and keep pressing him. When will you be leaving? When are you leaving? You need to inform me when you are leaving the house. When are you moving out? Leaving? What date are you leaving? If he continually says 'I don't know' and 'you can't make me leave' then just keep repeating that you need to know. No other details, just when is he leaving.

Re your finances, do you have a joint account? Joint savings? He is sounding increasingly nasty - 'use anything to fight you' etc. Can you please make sure that he cannot raid accounts, transfer money or savings into his account etc.

You can freeze a joint account (yes, even on a saturday) by phoning your bank and telling them there is a marital dispute and you need to have the account frozen. You have opened an account in your own name haven't you?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 10:54

I have asked him when - he says he does not know.

Advice on legal board is I cannot make him leave : (

He says situation is short term but no timescales.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 10:58

I have my own account but no money in it. If I freeze joint acc I wont have access to any money - 3 weeks till I get paid

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 11:01

I have my own account but no money in it. If I freeze joint acc I wont have access to any money - 3 weeks till I get paid

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 26/03/2011 11:01

www.fasttrack-divorce.co.uk

0800 048 1744

I have just spoken to these people. They say that you would not be breaking the law if you physically lock him out of the house. He would then have to apply to the land registry for marital rights to the home, which can take some time.

If he tried to break back in you can call the police.

The woman I spoke to is called Amy and said you can call her and she will explain it further.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 11:18

Thanks UA - will give her a call

OP posts:
Xales · 26/03/2011 12:07

Hi Hold

Catching up after a couple of nights away. Damn you need some hugs.

The way this man has revealed himself as a cheating callous bastard without even a hint of consideration for you and your children is gobsmacking.

You must be reeling Sad

How bloody dare he talk to the children. You have know idea what he has said to them? What a bastard it shows that he cares less about them than his dick the OW and her children. I assume her DD was away and he could stay there again this shows where his cares lay!

Am tempted to say don't pay the mortgage for a couple of months (don't tell H) take the money and use it as a deposit on a place for you and your DC. Sell everything and anything in the next few months that you can on ebay. Let the house be repossessed when you are renting and then go for bankruptcy.

Not a sensible answer I know but you would be away from this nasty nasty man as soon as possible.

Get the locks changed. It may be naughty and then calls the police if he attempts to gain entry. Tell them to take him away and apply for marital rights like UA says.

Look after yourself as much as you can I am sure you are devastated.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 12:31

I phoned & they said I could lock him out.

He is saying he has spoken to a solicitor and he has a right to live here and if I change the locks or lock him out he can phone the police. He said that he could not be prosecuted for breaking into his own property & I could not keep him out unless I can prove physical DV nut that I could be prosecuted for locking him out. He was adamant about this.

I am wondering whether to just move out myself with the kids & somehow rent somewhere.

What a mess!

OP posts:
Xales · 26/03/2011 12:47

/-: try and get an occupation order?

It would be easier to get out now and rent and then not have enough money to pay the mortgage than to to not pay the mortgage, get bad credit rating and then try and rent.

Or get to the council and get on the housing list?

He is a nasty man, already consulted solicitors to make sure that HE is OK.

ledkr · 26/03/2011 12:49

hmh i spoke to my dh who is a copper and he said its avery grey area but that you are suffering from dv in the form of emotional abuse and this is causing you emotional stress and in turn affects your dcs,they will help you he thinks.I doubt her
had spoken to a brief to be honest it seems unlikely.Tbh i wouldnt hesitate to embelish things if i needed to cos this is going to make you seriously unwell,could say you feel scared for example,but im a bit of a bitch and felt i owed my dh nothing when he cheated on me,i gave him 20 mins to pack his bags-to be honest we are good friends now and i respect him for having the decency to leave me to heal after he was the one who was in the wrong.Can you put this to him,"if it was you etcetc"

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 13:07

Posted on legal board & they said I can't change locks & he can't be prosecuted for breaking into own property : (

OP posts: