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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so hopeless - what should I do

781 replies

Holdmyhand · 21/03/2011 17:01

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

OP posts:
sufficient · 26/03/2011 00:02

Oh HMH my H is with his OW too :(

There's nothing really to say, is there? We can know that they've chosen the worst option, but it's what they want that counts, and they want the cheap heady thrills over the love of their wives and children. Pathetic, foolish and very, very sad.

I'm dropping off now, hope you get to sleep soon xx

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 00:06

It is sad. I really thought I'd got a good one in h - how wrong could I be!

What makes a bloke turn away from a wife who loves him & 3 gorgeous kids?

OP posts:
spamm · 26/03/2011 00:39

HMH - not posted before, but been following your thread.

You know that your best revenge will be to focus on you and your DCs, to live your life well and be happy again, without him. When you can look at him with pity, knowing that he has lost his right to be part of your family, and then turn away and get on with your own life, and do those things you have always wanted to do for yourself. That is revenge enough for anybody!

You cannot see that now, because you are so hurt.

I am here if you need to talk - I live in USA, so not my bedtime yet.

spamm · 26/03/2011 00:46

One of the things I wish I could do more often is go to the cinema on my own. I love going to a good movie, with a big bag of peanut M&Ms, and just sink into the seat and enjoy the film. My DH does not understand, he hates going to the cinema by himself.

If you have nothing else to do, why not tell him he has to babysit tomorrow night because you are going out. No need to tell him where you are going, leave him guessing, and go and see a silly comedy and laugh a bit. Just take some time for yourself - you deserve it.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 26/03/2011 00:59

I am up and guzzling wine. are you there HMH? where is twunt?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 26/03/2011 01:01

did you wee on the back of his tee-shirt?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 01:23

He is still not back - don't know why I am bothered

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 01:24

Good idea UA

OP posts:
spamm · 26/03/2011 02:01

UA-i am trying to be all sensible, but I love your idea! Grin

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 06:30

He didn't come home at all last night

OP posts:
ledkr · 26/03/2011 06:36

well he has somewhere to stay them doesnt he or the spare cash for a hotel.

Kick him out hes taking the piss,you would have been feeling a bit better by now had you done it at first,i promise you that.

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 07:13

How can I kick him out though if he has right to live here. Even if I lock the doors the dcs will let him in.

OP posts:
undermyskin · 26/03/2011 07:37

I'm not as feisty as some on MN so I would suggest:

You pack a bag of clothes for him now and leave it by the front door. If he returns you gather up every shred of dignity you can muster, pass the suitcase in his direction, and tell him to leave. No further discussion. (He may still have some rights to the house, but it is no longer his home.)

countingto10 · 26/03/2011 07:39

I hate to say this and I am not sure you are this angry yet, but a couple of posters on here bagged up their H's stuff in bin bags and dumped them on OW's front lawn Grin. I know I was so angry that I wanted every part of my DH out of the house whatever the legal position - he did say he had right of entry (so what was my retort, you chose her !) but I was so angry by then I think he wasn't quite sure what I was capable of Grin.

It showed him I was going to roll over and die because of what he had done even though I felt bloody awful. I did little things for myself at first, like you couldn't concentrate etc, so made sure I had a long bath after the DCs went to bed just to try and calm down. I treated myself to new clothes and hairstyle, made sure I put make up on every day and especially when I saw him as I didn't want him to think I was so distressed I had let myself go - it really messed with his head Grin. It was really to make myself feel better because even though I felt terrible inside at least I looked good on the outside (as a previous poster said, it's about acting).

When he finally deigns to come home, make sure you are ready to leave, fully made up, leave him with the DC and go shopping, cinema, anything, just to let him know you have a life too. And come back late to mess up his plans for tonight - I did this to DH, OW had dinner ready for him and he was still looking after the DCs Grin - childish yes, but it made a point that life wasn't all going to go his way.

countingto10 · 26/03/2011 07:41

I wasn't going to roll over and die Smile

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 07:45

I know it makes sense to just bag up his things but I am not sure if I can do it - I don't want a nasty scene in front of dcs.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 26/03/2011 07:54

You could be very cool about it, say you don't want to make a scene and you are sure he doesn't, but the situation is intolerable for you, there are your things, just go and give me some space.

To be honest, by DH lost any empathy for me at the stage your H is at and don't forget he has an OW who is jerking his chain, with her own agenda. It is not a level playing field for you and you have to understand that.

You know your H, how he could react - you need to be thinking ahead, planning, because that is what he has been doing with OW. You own him nothing now.

Honestly if you end up in social housing on benefits (which was where I was going to end up) it has got to be better than this mental torture ?

My solicitor said I had to sit in the house until it was repossessed as our money problems were so bad Sad

undermyskin · 26/03/2011 08:00

HMH (and I am now shouting) - I know you are very fragile but you have to start helping yourself. Admit to yourself that it is best that he goes (and nobody knows if this is for good) and take some action to ensure he does. Don't keep putting up 'what ifs' to stop you from acting.

Pack his bags. Leave them by the front door.

Then get on with your weekend. You don't know if he is going to roll back or not and you should not sit in the house all weekend in case he does.

If he comes back, make sure the DCs are occupied, and calmly hand him the suitcase and tell him to leave. You can add that you do not want a scene for the DCs' sake so he should go now.

You can do this. For you. For your DCs.

countingto10 · 26/03/2011 08:08

HMH, you will notice that I use the term "DH" - I am still with my DH after everything he had done. The only way he realised what he was doing was when I got angry, told him I was going to be treated this way, you made your bed now go and lie in it Angry.

I told people what was happening, he had to deal with people's disapproval. Spell it out to your parents and his, my DH's parents were horrified by events (his mum's dad had abandoned her mum with 5 DCs). Do not cover up for him. I was so distressed I couldn't hide anything when people asked what the matter was. As I said before I even phoned the Samaritans I felt that bad in the middle of the night.

But he was going to take my self respect which is what your H is doing to you. Get angry and get him out !

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 08:27

He's back - have told him to leave but he said no.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 26/03/2011 08:30

Do you know where she lives ?

Original poster
Holdmyhand · 26/03/2011 08:40

Yes - I have her address. She has a dd at home though. Don't want to do anything that could later be seen as unreasonable - he has said he will use whatever he can against me if I fight him.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 26/03/2011 08:41

Nice man Hmm

LittleMissHissyFit · 26/03/2011 08:42

GET HIM OUT. (please?)

Bag his stuff, chuck it outside and call the police if you have to. He has no right to do this to you, and to your DC.

LittleMissHissyFit · 26/03/2011 08:44

Oh and fucking some bint all night and coming home like some spent Tom Cat is not unreasonable is it?

Bugger unreasonable! The only way you are going to regain ANY sense of self is to FLIP and retake your life back.

Call a cab, bag up his stuff and boot him OUT.

This happens to cheating low life scum all the time. It has to happen now.

CAUSE A SCENE, YOU ARE ENTITLED TO.