Feel so hopeless - what should I do

[Holdmyhand]

I am really looking for some advice. My h has been h is having an affair, I found out 5 months ago. We agreed to try again. I tried. He kept in contact with her behind my back. We got on ok while 'trying' & physical relationship mostly ok. I recently found out he's still seeing her - he now says he loves her & not me but cares about me. We have 3 dcs under 8. I really dont want my relationship to end. When we don't talk about our relationship we get on really well. He said on Saturday that he will be moving out at some point to be with her but will always be there for me & kids.
We still had sex Saturday & Sunday but he did not want full intercourse. We still sleep in same bed.
I know he has been with her today.
I have been getting bad anxiety attacks about the future and what will happen and how I cope. Am on Ads. We are very short of money. Him moving out will have huge financial implications.
If he leaves I have to cope alone with 3 dcs, my job, the house etc etc I still love him - we have been together 23 years. I feel hopeless. My life has stopped.
I am not eating or sleeping. I can't even cry. I am in a daze. I spend all my time thinking about him. I have no strength to cope with this. I don't have any real friends & can't talk to my family.
Please be kind with your advice I feel very fragile.
What can I do to get through this?

The only time hold this specimen close to you HMH is when you whisper softly in his ear WANKER...then raise your left/right knee in a very fast motion into the groin area!!!! This is awful and i really feel for you!

I tell you something (and not meaning to get your hopes up) but there is no way on this earth that his sordid little affair will last...its not love! he doesn't know the meaning of it, lust maybe, if he loved her as much as he thinks he does he wouldnt have been intimate with you, because as we all know when you truly love someone you wouldnt do something like this...you just wouldnt!!!! He is so cruel. He is on the verge of losing everything he has. I know this is really bad but when you was sleeping with him you should have recorded yourself and sent it to her!!!! But thats me...if i was going downhill because my DH did something like that to me i'd have to take him down with me i'm afraid. xxxx

Id love to see you kick his fat arse out op , and id love to see his face when your going out every weekend having a fab time while he sits in some shit bedsit eating pot noodles in his underpants .

My ex , as predicted , single handedly keeps the pot noodle company in business along with several local takeaways . Hes got even fatter and sits in on his own watching shit tv , its his only topic of conversation . He has the kids every weekend while i go out and do what i want. When he brings them back he trys to have conversatuons with me about shit tv programmes.
Im too tired from my weekend of shagging to listen to him

Divorce is scary , and its the end of the world while its happening , but honestly , for some people (me) its the best thing that ever happened . It takes a while to get there , its a bumpy ride , but you can and will if it comes down to it . People often ask does life ever get better after a divorce , and i think yes , definateley , in fact i think it gets better when you dont have a selfish lazy arse dick to put up with anymore .

I remember posting on here regularly , often in tears , it was the end of the world . It seems years and years ago but it really wasnt . Hang in there .

Oops dont know whats going on with the bold !

I wonder what his response would be if you stated that hes right , its impossible to split at the moment because of the financial situation , therefore its best if you carry on as you are , with you living together and effectiveley both having an open marriage . That way no one has to get upset and the kids still have both parents living with them blah blah .

You could then state that he cant have both weekend nights all the time , next sat youll be out and you probably wont be back until early am .

He,ll probably have the balls to be like this

Id honestly do it , id be saying , yeah , theres someone at work , ive never persued it because we were married , but now things have changed , i thought what the heck , why not !

Whats good for the goose and all that !

Genius Dignified!!! but yes its not fair that you should have to stay in all weekend while he plays silly buggers, get yourself out there and start enjoying life...i did this when my fist hubby did it across me...im not saying this will happen to you but within 3 weeks I met another man, we have been together for 11 years, been married for 5 and have 2 DSs....believe me, when the hurt goes and the anger kicks in...you will wonder why you allowed yourself to be treated in such a way...and dont worry...alot of us have...especially me! But then you can start living again and having fun. xxx

first hubby* lol

I can explain the problems with bold and italics, worked it out after one of my messages went wonky (and you know there's nothing worse than wonky italics!) You can't have two in the same sentence because the whatever-it-is-program looks for the first and the last or in a sentence and just bolds or italicises everything in between. Even if it's another or . (Deliberate separate sentence there under the circumstances!)

Also if you try to emphasise part of a word it doesn't work unless you also introduce a space. So emphatic won't do it. Em phatic will.

I suppose if you do want to emphasise two words in the same sentence the answer is to use different methods, or stick in some arbitrary full stops.

Oh, and holdmyhand - it is time for you to replace sadness with blazing anger. How DARE he do this to you? You are worth a sight more respect if nothing else. You can't make a man love you but by God you can demand a bit of courtesy under your own roof.

Yep , time to get mad op , who does he think he is ? I bet your gorgeous while he looks like the middle aged father of 3 he is , complete with nose and ear hair . Get yourself out there even though i know you dont feel like it , get in touch with freinds , join a gym , start living again even though its not what you feel like doing right now .

Make it clear to your H your not a free babysitter , your a woman , a single woman at at that and your just as entitled to have some fun as he is . Get your hair done , get glam and start going out . Was he always selfish like this , expecting you to mind the kids while he went out ?

You know , i WOULD let him take the kids , id insist on it . Youve got three under eight and hers are teenagers !! Can you imagine how that is going to work out ! One teenager is enough for anyone , but a few of them mixed in with little kids is NOT a good mix . Give them lots and lots of sweets before they go , and lots of annoying toys to take.

Most people with teens cant be arsed with little kids , theyve done it all and they dont want to do it again ( or is it just me ?) . If your H isnt used to pouty sulky teens hes in for a shock as well . Its nice they can see each other kid free without all their offspring , something i think you should change quickly because when they are forced to spend time together with their offspring i dont think either one of them is going to as quite as apealing .

I've just seen this thread and read it from beginning to end and just wanted to show my love and support, going through a breakup is never easy, even if it's 2 years down the line like me, I still think about the 9 years we were together and blissfully happy and still can't comprehend how the man I pledged to love until the day I die has turned out today, he never comes to see the kids and doesn't pay me a penny in maintenance, there are times when the anger boils inside of me and there are times when I'm sad it has come to this. Being a single mother is hard work, you have no one to share the good times as well as the bad, nobody to bounce ideas off, nobody to do the bedtimes when you've been running around all day after a feisty independant 3 year old but do you know what, I love it, I love my kids and I love my life, I love when my 3 year old comes into my bed first thing in the morning for a snuggle and tells me how much she loves me or I'll wake up in the middle of the night to find both of them snuggled up next to me, I love being able to get up and go and not have to wait around for him to decide he's ready, we live our life to the beat of our own drum and nobody elses. Sometimes I think how nice it would be if the kids had weekend access with their dad but as it is he's in a very on and off relationship with his gf and I wouldn't want my kids exposed to that even if he did want to have them which he doesn't. I'm very lucky in the fact that I have a good family support system, so even though I don't get a break regularly we have people to visit and talk to.

You'll get to this stage in time HMH and you'll feel so much better but until then we'll be here xx

What the latest HoldMyHand ? Hows it going? What are you doing this weekend and what is your husband doing?

HMH, Really feel for you - the actual break-up always feels impossible - going from one household to two is never going to be be easy but it's do'able. You don't need to start a divorce process (although no reason not too) but you should look at the separation process. You have to find a way that he is no longer in your house. Could you speak with a debt counsellors to find out what's possible? Are the debts in joint names? Are there any other assets like cars, savings, pensions etc that could be cashed in to reduce mortgage.

There will be a solution for the finances - you just haven't found it yet. Keep positive.

Just to reassure you - your H and OW are at the best stage of their relationship - no actual pressures, just the hope of a good life BUT the reality will be different. At some stage he will be moving in with her and her teenage kids..Being a step parent is bloody tough, he will have to be more giving, caring & unselfish then ever before..Is he up for this? He will have to cope with angry teens who will resent him. The OW's H will also be on the scene and that won't be easy. Your H will eventually feel very guilty for what he has put your kids through - he will be spending time with other people's children and missing his own.

The future isn't bright and shiney for them..Whilst you worry about your kids being introduced to the OW it won't be happy families for them if it happens- honestly can you imagine the nightmare they will have coping with 5 kids (all grumpy with their respective parents).

I know of a couple who did something similar - broke up 2 marriages, tried to combine both sets of kids, awful situation. It isn't the picture of happiness that they thought - it's hard, hard work.

You on the other hand will be able to look back on what you have achieved. Your life will get better - not immediately but in a few years (which might feel like a long time) but it will fly by.

Forget to add - the kids will be impacted by this, not just your attitude to it. Yes you can both work to miminise it if you both focus on it (however your H will be too busy diverting effort to OW). I know the kids love their dad but when they get older they will make a judgement about each parent. They will ask him tough questions and he will have to face up to them .

btw, has your H offered 'reasons' for OW, i.e you had grown apart, he had tried to talk to you etc..Just interested in his version of the marriage ending. If he didn't give your marriage a chance, look for counselling etc then it's likely he will also fail with the OW

Not really done anything today. Went to gp, not much help but at least have sick note.
Kids all home now.
Trying to accept fact he is spending day with her in the sunshine.
His reason for our marriage ending - we drifted apart, weren't communicating, he was unhappy etc
I think her eldest may have left home but her dd is 15.
H is very good at getting on with people so will prob win her round.
He will prob also convince my kids how great ow is.

hmh,this is emotional abuse so if you start divorce or separation you should get to live in the house for now with dcs and he will need to find elsewhere and contribute financially. He will then be left with no chouce but to move in with ow,lets see how they cope with those apples. Fwiw,when i met current dh i wnated him with me all the time and would have dies if he was still living with an ex wife,id have insisted he move in with me.For that reason i wonder just how deep this love is.

I would be the same, would not want partner living with ex wife - does seem strange. Maybe they are trying to take it slowly after both coming out of long term relationships maybe her kids / family or maybe if she divorcing she would get less maintenance if she moves new bloke in??????

I want to really think through my next step and not act out of emotions.

At the moment we still have joint account so am going to make sure I stock up on new clothes for kids etc

hmh- i am soo looking forward to your anger kicking in and it will soon,its going to be hilarious and so liberating for you.

Googles revenge on ex h - some hilarious stories, not sure I would do any of them though!!
Anyone got any good ideas?

HMH

Don't waste your time thinking about exacting revenge.

I want to see you post about what you are doing to start to make your days better. Small steps in that direction any way. It is very early days and nobody expects you to be the life and soul of the party yet. But don't dwell on how H will be spending his w/e. How will you be spending yours?

You sound defeated, which is understandable, but I think it is all too easy to get into a pattern of behaviour that denies you any chance to heal and move on. You portray every avenue you have to find support in this as a dead end -parents not supportive, no help from GP, no friends. Is this really the case? Help yourself, garner support. No one can tell you if your H will regret any of this and in time be seeking reconcilliation with you. The only win win situation for you right now is to start living as if he is not going to - it will make you more attractive to him for a start, and even if separation is the conclusion you will have started on the road to a new fabulous single you, and then who knows what will happen.

You have to help yourself and not allow yourself to wallow too long in the heartbreak of what is happening. It is desperately hard but now is the time to take small steps towards building your independence and interests.

Yes, maybe your H will be enjoying the spring weather with his OW, but how are you going to? In broken record fashion, I say again you have to act for a while, then one day you will find you are actually enjoying yourself and maybe feel thankful that he went.

I know that I need to move on & sort my life out - but would like to make him sorry for what he has done.

HMH - the best way to make him sorry is to get on with your life rather than wasting effort on him and his life. You need all of your energy to look after yourself and move your life forward don't waste any of it on him.

I suspect he quite likes the idea that he can go and play around then swan in and be the good fun dad. I think that little bubble needs bursting. As others have said start doing things for yourself, go out some evenings or weekends so he doesn't have a free pass to leave you with the kids. Your relationship is no longer a partnership so you can do what is right for you without having to step around his feelings.

Can't sleep

I'm up too xx

What are you thinking?

Dunno really - he is out with her. Don't really feel sad about it but more angry with him & situation. Not knowing if he will come back tonight or sometime tomorrow.

Wish I could win the lottery & boot him out