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Original poster

function of husband

97 replies

binemptier · 18/03/2011 09:21

Please, can someone clarify for me any useful functions of my husband?

He was good at impregnation, and I have no complaints about his role as father, but I really can't see what it is that I personally gain from him as a husband.

He makes money, but I could cope quite well without it, IYSWIM.

He looks after the children sometimes while I dye my hair. But I'm sure I'd cope.

He had a token task, to empty the bin. Since I'm fucked off with asking him to do it, and it getting so full I then need to clean the crap off the bin lid, I have relived him of that duty.

He won't rub my back, and I really don't want sex.

So, what is he actually supposed to be for? I see that single people sometimes want one, but I can't see that they are use nor ornament.

sadly, this is a genuine question.

Also, he's not horrible or anything, and bit annoying on occasion, but not abusive or anything like that.

OP posts:
nethunsreject · 18/03/2011 09:22

Um, do you love him?

JessicaDrew · 18/03/2011 09:25

i have mine trained in dishwasher loading!!!
its a bonusGrin

Anniegetyourgun · 18/03/2011 09:28

He is a human being, and therefore doesn't have to be "for" anything, any more than you need to justify your own existence in terms of functionality. He just is. Whether you need or want him in your life is another question though. A person doesn't have to have a reason to be, but a relationship does, IMO. A family is the sum of all the people in it, and is diminished if any of those members is a minus quantity. (Speaking from experience of the ultimate negative partner.)

So what would you get out of not having him in your life, or is it more nuisance than it's worth to change things?

ivykaty44 · 18/03/2011 09:31

I have no idea what a husband is for - am curious, don't have one and not sure that I want one and certainly don't need one...

TeeBee · 18/03/2011 09:39

Get yourself a decent set of rechargeable batteries and you can kick him out - will cut down on the washing.

foundwanting · 18/03/2011 09:39

DH would say that his role is to make my life better. And, on the whole, he does.

Hard to focus on his good points when I'm picking up damp towels or finding stinky socks under the bed though.

And he is supposed to do the bins, but doesn't.

joanne34 · 18/03/2011 09:39

I'll support you 'he' says, I want to make your life easier 'he' says..............

I have double the washing, double the cleaning, double the stress, double the bills................ Sorry I cant answer this ! :(

AMumInScotland · 18/03/2011 09:48

I think the question for me would be "Why have you allowed him to be so useless?" He is just as capable as you are of looking after the children, emptying bins, and all sorts of other household stuff. Or at least, he is in theory. So why isn't he in practice?

If he's useless, then surely you are allowing him to be useless?

FlorencesMachine · 18/03/2011 09:50

From what you say, he seems as if he does quite a lot

So he's a good father, goes out to work, does some housework. Maybe you just don't like him?

lubeybooby · 18/03/2011 09:52

Good grief. Set the poor man free so he can find someone who actually wants him.

FlorencesMachine · 18/03/2011 09:54

Have to say, OP, you don't across very well here

spidookly · 18/03/2011 10:01

Looking after the children occasionally so she can dye her hair and having one token household task assigned to him sounds like he does a lot?

Some of you guys think a man that is capable of dressing himself is a paragon of self-sufficiency.

The function of a husband is someone to share your life and build your family with.

That means someone who pulls their weight.

exhausted2011 · 18/03/2011 10:10

I'm with you.
DH does nothing around the house. No bin emptying, no emptying the dishwasher,no loads of washing, no picking up his clothes.I unpacked 3 suitcases the other day and just asked him to take an armful of washing up, nope, not done.
No looking after the DC
Also , he does nothing for me. Nothing to make my life easier, no nice cuddles, no cups of tea.
Does not make anything better at all
And wakes me up when I am sleeping.
Hopefully this is temporary. He's going through a bit of a bad patch. But time is running out

I'd say let him have it.
Write a list of things he has to do, take it from there.

joanne34 · 18/03/2011 10:27

I wonder what would actually get done if I left for a week !

( sorry not hijacking thread )

HecateTheCrone · 18/03/2011 10:34

laughing and joking with
being intimate with
raising the children with
debating and discussing with
going out with
staying in and watching a film with
having a meal with
having a drink with
chatting about nothing at all with
going for a drive with

in short, sharing a life with.

If you only see being with someone in terms of they do the dusting and you do the washing up, then you are missing the point of why people actually pair up.

however, part of pairing up is working together to take care of all the boring stuff, so if one person isn't doing their share, they need sorting out.

swallowedAfly · 18/03/2011 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
binemptier · 18/03/2011 10:41

regarding the housework, i'm on mat leave and he's an NQT, so he's got a lot to do. Going by the 'have the same amount of free time' rule, I do need to do the vast majority of the housework.

The main thing is that I just think there must be something else I'm supposed to get? I don't need him for anything.

He talks about school a lot, and I try to show an interest, but I can be telling him something about his own child, and stop mid-sentence, he doesn't even notice.

We went for counselling a while ago. I got told that I don't let anyone do anything for me, and I don't need anyone. I don't want to end my marriage, I know full well I won't bother with another relationship.

I want to know what it is that other people get from their partner, because I don't feel that I get anything at all.

In answer to do I love him, I love my children so much that if anything took them from me my heart would break. If anything took my husband my heart would break for my children's loss.

Why am I so fucking hard? :(

OP posts:
HecateTheCrone · 18/03/2011 10:48

What you are saying is - you don't love him.

If you did, you wouldn't be looking for mundane household stuff he does that is useful to you, you'd be seeing someone you share your life with and spend time with and enjoy the company of.

joanne34 · 18/03/2011 10:59

Oh Binemptier, I am completely understanding you !

Do you love him ? Is he your friend ?

AMumInScotland · 18/03/2011 11:00

I don't "need" my husband for anything. Though he does his share of the household stuff, I could manage without if I had to.

But I want him - I want him to be there, I want to share my life with him. He's fun and supportive and annoying and frustrating. He does lovely things for me without me asking, and forgets to do simple thinsg that would be useful. I take him for granted too much, but do a lot for him on a day-to-day basis.

That's what I think marriage is meant to be about - wanting to share your life with the other person, with all the good bits and bad bits about each of you.

I think you need to consider why you want the marriage to continue, if neither of you feel that its a genuine partnership. You can still make sure your children don't miss out.

maxybrown · 18/03/2011 11:02

I'm with you binemptier too, I am having real moments of feeling like a nobody at the minute.

jellybelly25 · 18/03/2011 11:12

What I get from my husband, who does piss me off hugely at times, and I him, but despite that, is worth having...

is conversation (when I'm not working in the evening) and shared experiences. So when dcs are having fun, we smile about it together. When they are being little shits, we chew it over and decide what to do about it, together. It helps. We are very different - if it was just left to me their lives would be chaos - he's very ordered. If he were left to it alone, he may not be able to loosen up and relax.

We watch endless movies and sport together and talk about it afterwards - shared experiences - things we both like.

I listen to him complain about work, and talk about his particular obsessional hobby, even when it is boring, because otherwise I wouldn't know him. He listens to me complain about my studies, because sometimes I need reassurance that I'm doing ok even when I'm behind. I know he finds that boring sometimes and doesn't understand it, but he does it anyway and it helps.

He brings me a cup of tea every morning because I am absolutely shit at getting up and it helps.

We organise between us when he can get home so that I can go for a run, or go to see my friends, or whatever.

Occasionally we shag as well Grin

We do argue over household stuff but that's just life I think. You have to say you are pissed off before someone can be expected to change their behaviour, surely?

op, are you ok? do you think you may have a touch of depression? It sounds like you are having difficulty seeing the sunny side of life... Or maybe you just don't love him... Do you fancy him at all?

minipie · 18/03/2011 11:29

Do you not want company?

My DH is pretty good about doing housework, and he earns money too. But I could do both of those. The main reason I want him is as someone to be with and chat to.

Are you more of a loner who prefers their own company? Or is it your DH's company in particular that you don't want?

bloodymortgagecompanies · 18/03/2011 11:35

Hecate, loved your post - yes, that is how I feel too; "for sharing a life with".

Original poster
binemptier · 18/03/2011 11:58

I think that is is that I never have his attention. He's very busy with work, which i understand, and i don't complain about, but when we watch tv or a film, he is constantly playing with his phone. I've asked him not to, but he gets shitty and defensive, saying that i'm always on mumsnet! (I MN when he's working, and during the day if DS is at nursery, dd is still very little)

I want us to be together, but I don't really feel like it matters whether I'm in the room or not. maxybrown I do feel like a nobody. I went out with friends for the first time in ages and it's like I can't look people in the eye, I'm so socially awkward now.

I'm sick of being the responsible one all the time, and I feel like I'm a single parent tbh.

OP posts:
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