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Original poster

function of husband

97 replies

binemptier · 18/03/2011 09:21

Please, can someone clarify for me any useful functions of my husband?

He was good at impregnation, and I have no complaints about his role as father, but I really can't see what it is that I personally gain from him as a husband.

He makes money, but I could cope quite well without it, IYSWIM.

He looks after the children sometimes while I dye my hair. But I'm sure I'd cope.

He had a token task, to empty the bin. Since I'm fucked off with asking him to do it, and it getting so full I then need to clean the crap off the bin lid, I have relived him of that duty.

He won't rub my back, and I really don't want sex.

So, what is he actually supposed to be for? I see that single people sometimes want one, but I can't see that they are use nor ornament.

sadly, this is a genuine question.

Also, he's not horrible or anything, and bit annoying on occasion, but not abusive or anything like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
binemptier · 18/03/2011 12:00

Hecate I don't want you to be right. I think that I am deficient, as I just don't think I am capable of having the relationship I'd like to have.

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Ormirian · 18/03/2011 12:02

LOL!

Grin

I often think I could happily outsource his role. Just have a consultant husband a few times a year.

FreakoidOrganisoid · 18/03/2011 12:06

Hecate's list is spot on IMO. I had none of that with exH and so my life is no emptier and less of a disappointment now I'm no longer with him.

I want everything on that list though, and hope one day I meet someone I can have it with.

jellybelly25 · 18/03/2011 12:07

Sounds like maybe you could do with getting out more? On your own and together? How old is dc?

It's not nice to feel isolated and then ignored by the person you do have the most contact with, so you need a bit more from him than that and then maybe you'll like him more. Is it an iphone that he's fiddling with?!?

Joolyjoolyjoo · 18/03/2011 12:10

I agree with hecate.

As well as being my best friend and the person I turn to when it all goes tits up, my DH is pretty good at housework, and if he wasn't around I would have had to pay someone to go up and fix my roof, the car, the plumbing...

And, just to annoy you even more, he is also great in bed Blush

Quite happy to have him hang around

swallowedAfly · 18/03/2011 12:12

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swallowedAfly · 18/03/2011 12:14

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Asinine · 18/03/2011 12:18

If he died, how would you feel? What would you miss?
You chose him out of all the men in the world when you got married.
I don't understand it at all Confused

Original poster
binemptier · 18/03/2011 12:28

I think it's me because there is nothing inherently wrong with him. he is reasonably attractive, I don't want sex for a number of reasons, all of which are petty but the main thing is that i find it incredibly off putting just how bloody excited he gets about the possibility of sex, and how he talks about it like a fucking schoolboy the next day. I would quite like to have the kind of sex I used to have, but I don't want him giggling about it the next day when I'm making tea. Also he won't rub my back, so I just think fuck off, I'm not having sex with you then.

I'm such a bitch. i'm glad i namechanged.

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HecateTheCrone · 18/03/2011 12:35

What has he said when you have sat him down and told him exactly how you feel and asked for him to work with you to sort it out?

Original poster
binemptier · 18/03/2011 12:36

reading that back, it's because he's made it so sex is me doing something for him, rather than something I enjoy for myself.

Also he's got half-formed but very strong opinions on a lot of stuff, and when we talk, all I can think is 'you are so wrong it is embarrassing to be married to you' but he gets very upset if I disagree with him, especially in front of others. so I have to shut up and act supportive like a nice wife.

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SpringchickenGoldBrass · 18/03/2011 12:37

I don't think you're a bitch. I think your H is not the saint others are trying to tell you he is. He talks across you, skives his share of the housework and demonstrates repeatedly that he doesn't actually see you as a person at all. Your marriage is in that state where you are servicing him in every way including sexually and he is not interested in doing any thing for you. It's impossible to live with someone who never puts your wishes first, listens to you talk when you are being boring from time to time just to return the favour of being allowed to bang on about his own interests, never surprises you with a treat or a kind word... This is a poisonous atmoshpere to live in in the long run.

Original poster
binemptier · 18/03/2011 12:37

I can't say all that stuff can I? I'm so resentful and bitter.

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Original poster
binemptier · 18/03/2011 12:40

SGB he's not horrible to me.

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Original poster
binemptier · 18/03/2011 12:42

Asinine I ask myself that question a lot. I always relate the answer back to the children. I want my family with him in it.

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HecateTheCrone · 18/03/2011 12:43

binemptier - of course you can! You must.

You have the right to be happy.

So he doesn't kick you round the kitchen. so what. you should be grateful for that?

You are being daft. You are not happy. You want to be happy. Your needs are not being met. You want them to be met.

That does not make you unreasonable.

If you choose to not say anything to the one person who can work with you to actually change things, do you have the right to moan (to others) that things are not working for you?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 18/03/2011 12:47

Just because he's not punching you or calling you a cunt doesn't mean that's as good as relationships get. He's not treating you with kindness and respect by ignoring you and not doing his share of the domestic work.

Original poster
binemptier · 18/03/2011 12:58

I just spoke to him on the phone and he says he's not going to go out tonight.

I want to sit and talk but I know it is just going to be another evening of me trying to stop the baby screaming.

I don't know what my needs are. I think that is going back to the OP. The intimacy just isn't there.

I've tried all the stuff, I've arranged a night out every month with no kids. I go out on my own occasionally (but I BF, so I always need to come home early, don;t get drunk etc.) He goes out on his own, and stays out until 4 in the morning. He says it is circumstance that is making me unhappy. Probably that is true.

I will try to talk to him about getting rid of the phone in the evenings.

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HecateTheCrone · 18/03/2011 13:00

ok. why don't you write down how you feel. get it all straight in your head.

how can you explain how you feel to him, when you can't really explain it to yourself?

how you feel
what you want
what you need

and remember that he may have lots for you to listen to as well!

HecateTheCrone · 18/03/2011 13:01

circumstances?

like the circumstance of him not treating you lovingly? that circumstance you mean?

Original poster
binemptier · 18/03/2011 13:05

Thanks Hecate, that is really why i am here. I feel like typing it out and reading it back helps to get to the bottom of what it is that i am really upset about.

I know that he loves me. I am more certain about that than i am about whether I love him. he's distracted from me all the time. I am merely here.

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HecateTheCrone · 18/03/2011 13:09

so what do you want?

not general, airy fairy things.

actual, specific, I want him to do X, things.

You've got one already. You want him to rub your back.

why? and why won't he do it? perhaps if he knew why you really would like that, he may want to.

lusciousliz · 18/03/2011 13:32

I realised i loved and needed my husband when my dad died and husband was like a rock to me, he did all the horrible things without complaining, listened to me wail on and generally was just "there" for me

I know 100% when I am in a pickle, he will be there to help me sort it out

plus he does half the housework, walks the dogs AND does poo patrol, what more could you ask for :)

Original poster
binemptier · 18/03/2011 13:46
  1. rub back. he knows my back aches. I carry a 17lb baby around all day with one arm. He won't do it because 'I don't want to, it makes my hands hurt'.
  1. respect the fact that the house is clean. i.e. wipe crumbs off surface, put stuff in not on dishwasher.
  1. don't moan about holding the baby that your arms are aching. I've been holding her all fucking day.
  1. Listen when I talk. The fact that I can just stop speaking and he doesn't notice REALLY fucks me off. Also answer your son when he speaks to you.
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Original poster
binemptier · 18/03/2011 13:49

Oh, and 5. put your phone in a bloody lunchbox and only touch it if it rings. We are supposed to be spending time together. ( jellybelly yes it's an iphone).

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