function of husband

[binemptier]

Please, can someone clarify for me any useful functions of my husband?

He was good at impregnation, and I have no complaints about his role as father, but I really can't see what it is that I personally gain from him as a husband.

He makes money, but I could cope quite well without it, IYSWIM.

He looks after the children sometimes while I dye my hair. But I'm sure I'd cope.

He had a token task, to empty the bin. Since I'm fucked off with asking him to do it, and it getting so full I then need to clean the crap off the bin lid, I have relived him of that duty.

He won't rub my back, and I really don't want sex.

So, what is he actually supposed to be for? I see that single people sometimes want one, but I can't see that they are use nor ornament.

sadly, this is a genuine question.

Also, he's not horrible or anything, and bit annoying on occasion, but not abusive or anything like that.

none of those things are in any way unreasonable.

he sounds totally selfish.

I am not surprised you are not overwhelmed with feelings of love.

You need to tell him that his selfishness is destroying your love for him.

See, atm, you are not giving him the information he needs to decide if he wants to change.

Now, fair enough, he shouldn't need to be told to not be a selfish sack of shit, but the situation is what it is. And you need to tell him how you feel. tell him what he can do to make it better, listen to anything he has to say and give him the choice.

If nothing else, then at least you know you tried.

Thank you.

Although now I feel even more depressed that the things I want are so fucking basic.

The rubbing the back thing is interesting. Does he think that carrying the baby all day is a sort of heavy hair shirt? He might think you're being a martyr and be denying you rubbing so as not to, as he might see it, collude with you.

Not listening to you or your son is absolutely rotten. I would start there. Get eye contact with him and maybe say 'When you don't listen, I feel like I don't matter. Please listen to what I have to say to you'. When he has done that,acknowledge it and then if you notice him giving ds short shrift 'DS needs to be listened to as well'.

If he does manage to listen to you, tell him you really like it when he rubs your back and leave out that it's because you've been carrying the baby.

You sound very low. How long have you been feeling socially awkward and avoiding eye contact with friends?

Don't feel depressed. Basic is good.

Oh the back thing is before the baby. i've always suffered with it. He used to do it as a means to lure me into sex (which was a deal that I was absolutely fine with BTW) but he doesn't bother any more.

ah. now there's nothing in it for him, he's not interested.

my husband sits with me on the sofa and rubs my feet all night! Just because I like it.

You deserve that! If the only time he touches you is if he thinks it'll make you have sex, then it is meaningless, isn't it? He's not doing it for you, he's doing it for him.

Dukes i haven't been out in a long time because of being pregnant and then having dd, but it's only since i went out on saturday (saw a lot of old friends) that i realised how 'out of the loop' i am, and how i feel like i've nothing to say. They have said that they have a seat in the car for me when they go again (it's a once a month thing) so I think that when dd is not needing to feed so frequently i'll start going out more and seeing people (she has ebm, but I get really uncomfortable after a few hours).

I'm just worried about bringing up the listening thing because when I catch him doing it, he makes a big deal of trying to get me to repeat myself and then telling me off for being in a mood about it. It's something we argue about often. It's not like whatever I've just said is of earth-shattering importance, but I don't want to feel like I'm talking to myself, when I only have the children for company in the day.

oh, don't play that game! Don't get into a mood about it.

Just repeat it. calmly. straight away. Don't give him the opportunity to turn it onto you!

Let him make the big deal. Stand there quietly while he does it. then just say whatever it was.

when he realises that he can't get a rise out of you, maybe he'll stop.

but, you know what, the more you describe, the more he is starting to sound like a bit of a prick and a bit of a bully.

This is very sad. You have a messy lodger with benefits on your hands.

I would take issue with 'he's not horrible'. He is not present for you or for your children. He seems uninterested in your family life and has distanced himself considerably.

That accusation he used when you went to counselling, that you don't need anyone, and you don't let anyone do anything for you is a complete cop out. I'm very surprised that a counsellor let him get away with that. And he gets defensive and hurt when you challenge him about the distraction of the phone when you try to spend time together, when you try to stop him making a fool of himself with his opinions, plus the giggling about sex as if he raided the cookie jar and got away with it? I have to agree with SGB here that he doesn't see you as a person at all. He's not meeting you even half way on any front here.

That's maybe why your question here really should be 'what does my H think a wife is for?'

math the counsellor basically suggested that was the case herself. She went into a lot about my childhood and my self-sufficiency.

I think that I have put myself in this situation because I don't have emotional needs that I will let him meet.

look at the list they are actions, aren't they? apart from the listening one.

is it normal that I want to leave sex in the bedroom? I hate it when he talks about it in the daytime while we are doing every day things.

Poor show there by the counsellor. You have spoken to your H about what you need and he has actually refused flat out to accommodate you or has got defensive when you made reasonable requests about his phone and has thrown MN back at you.

He actually sounds quite hostile to you and resentful of your needs and even the DS's need for his attention. It sounds as if you and the children are intruding on some mental world he has chosen to inhabit in preference to the real one.

I would find the chatting about sex especially in a giggly way very icky indeed. I am also a bit that he will apparently chat about sex but is distracted by his phone when you would like to have some assurance of his 'presence' while you're watching tv. He is having a lot of things his own way.

I don't think it's wrong that you have actions on your list. If it will help you feel better towards him, that's a good thing.

When I was pregnant with dd2, 7 years ago, DH rubbed my feet all the way through an episode of Dalziel and Pascoe, just because.

It was gorgeous.

He has never done it since. I would like him to be a foot rubber but he isn't. He doesn't really make me much in the way of tea or coffee. He is often after sex. He isn't perfect but he does listen to me and that is essential.

Actions are good; way easier for him to act upon than vague feelings. It is an oldie but has some truth, the more you act as though you love someone the more you feel love for that person - if reciprocated of course.

TBH you sound down, flat, almost numb. I don't believe for one moment that your cousellor was right when she said you did not have emotional needs. It sounds to me as though life is hard (not surprising with two little ones, with one breast feeding) and grey and generally miserable. A cliche but do you think you are understandably fed up or perhaps suffering a dose of PND combined with grey yucky weather?

Well done you for arranging an evening out. Can you do more of the same? Ask him to arrange something for the pair of you. Tell him that you feel ignored and uncared for, perhaps you do not feel cherished. BUT, starting by giving him specific actions that he can easily achieve will be good for both of you.

Good luck.

Binemptier, I feel much more sorry that you think you're 'faulty' than that you have an empty marriage. There is nothing wrong with you, you're unhappy and trying to cope. Of course it looks as if you don't 'need' anyone - the someone you've got isn't meeting your needs, so what are you supposed to do? Carry a placard listing all your unmet needs & vulnerabilities? No, you just get on with stuff. And some people will take advantage of that.

He sounds like a bit of a prat, tbh. Claiming you don't "need" him is just a way of renouncing responsibility while getting a "poor me" in at the same time.

I hope some of the advice on your thread will help move things along. I'm delighted you've rediscovered your friends and are going to do more about putting the fun back in your life!

On a lighter note, here are the gifts I received when I divorced:
An inflatable man.
A widget that turns difficult things, like stiff jar lids and the stopcock tap.
Two cases of wine.
A pocket vibrator set and another vibrator.
Relaxation CD, tons of chocolate, spa vouchers, funny books.
I already had an electric drill, a saw and a hammer. So that was me sorted, really

Before we got hitched,we had the "What do you want to get married for" convo. I said something like Hecate's list. He said "Regular sex and decent food." I should have known.

Binemptier, you sound like an intelligent, analytical woman who is depressed. The first two are things to be proud of, the third probably needs help. At least have a look around online and do a depression inventory: it will tell you if that is the case. If it is, get thee to thy GP :) I'm guessing also that your original attraction to your husband was an intellectual one: communication is vital if that is ever to return.

For the rest, if your husband is an NQT he is new to his career, and at a time when you find your life closed down by a baby his horizons are widening. Hardly surprising you aren't seeing eye to eye at present.

What was it like before you had children? what did you like about him then? Cos it feels like forever when babies are small but they do grow and life returns. If what you had is worth finding again then waiting for that is an option.

Hi there,

you sound as if you feel utterly unappreciated! And the only thing (which is a small thing actually) that makes you feel good - and he knows it - is having your back rubbed.

You can speak to him about all of these things. Will it help? Try it. Men can listen but they don't HEAR! Mine hasn't heard for 9 years and that is why we are splitting up!

Having a baby makes you feel low. I felt fat, frumpy, ugly and undervalued for a long time after having each of my kids (3).

Do something that makes you feel good, for you. Alone! Re-discover yourself and what your interests are and that builds up your self-esteem.X

Why not see an osteo about your back - this alone is enough to make you feel miserable

Hello.

I never thought I would come back here.

I have, just to say that I left, in 2013. Things got really shit, and I left. I set up home on my own, in the nice end of town, and since I didn't have to subsidise that man I had a much better standard of living.

The back ache went away at the same time as the stress.

I was happy as soon as I said the words. I never regretted it for a minute.

3 months after I left I met a man who is my best friend. I love him to infinity. I know what he's for. He's for me. He has my back. He's there to listen, support, make me laugh, hold my hand, talk me through things, for me to admire and respect and just love him. I moved him in last May and things are fabulous.

I have an amazing life with the type of relationship I thought that other people were pretending to have. I didn't think it was real, that it could be real.

I wanted to update just to say that it is possible to be happy. I was numb, I was nothing and nobody. When I left, I became someone. I became happy and free. I had nothing at all, I built everything for myself, but I did it.

There was nothing wrong with me. There was everything wrong with my marriage.

Do you know OP yesterday I was thinking that, given the time of year, whether it'd be worth starting a thread asking for those who had LTB how things had turned out for them. You know... kind of to give hope and perspective to those who can't see a way out of a bad relationship.

I think you should post that again in a fresh thread, so that more people can read your up-lifting words.

I think that a 'what happened since you LTB' thread would be great....I read back recently over my early Mumsnet posts (NC since then) and I started out as a 'don't tell me to LTB' poster....unbelievable really... It's not all plain sailing but I would highly recommend. None of my friends who have taken the plunge regret it either...one of the great myths, in my experience, is that people regret leaving their marriages.

It sounds like you got the husband you deserve.

Was that to me Dr?

Sorry I meant "friend".