You wait, don't you, for the man to make the first move?

[IngridBergmann]

If there is a first move going to be made, that is...!

And I really don't know. how do you know? No obvious moves have been made at all.

It feels like we are very close friends and we always laugh a lot and talk a lot, but then, this is someone who has a multitude of friends and family and is very socially easy going.

He could be like this with everyone. I don't know if he is just being friendly, or actually does like me but is really, really shy of doing anything about it.

We always hug when we say goodbye and there is a kiss on the cheek but nothing else yet and it's been a few weeks.

He did offer to lend me his spirit level and so I asked if he had a big one, then we both laughed and he said 'Oh yes, enORmous!'

See I could have just kissed him right then and there but I was too scared. If he was shocked it would be awful so I couldn't risk it.

What do you DO? Do you just wait? I think I might go mad. But I will be sensible.

He's just being friendly, isn't he.

I agree with Carmina. and if he asks you if you are a bit off, just say that you were a bit hurt that you told him something sad for you and he walked away..

Thankyou for the sympathy and kind words. I feel so despairing. It's like you say, I built up expectations based on how I felt and the random signals he appeared to be giving out. Which are pretty mixed up.

I've just sent a text, prob shouldn't have, but I needed to say I was sorry for reading it all wrong, and I've just realised and I hope we can still be friends, and I'll get over my crush. It was a nice message with and so on in it.

God knows what he will make of it. But at least I've made my position clear and I suppose, protected myself from the almost inevitable pain of him saying 'thanks, but no thanks' along the line. plus he can sodding get his own builder

I shall now go and have a miserable evening thinking about plastering and will stop thinking about him AT ALL. Probably totally confused him. Poor bugger.

was that passive aggressive of me? I'm not sure.

My phone is off as I can't stand it if he rings me back. Or if he doesn't, actually. I need to refocus on my kitchen. It is all I have.

Wow Ingrid!! Did you say all that? how brave of you!!

Well, if he doesn't at least tell you where you stand after that then he's not worth the ground you walk on.

Be nice to yourself..

Brave or stupid! This is it, Mams, it's kill or cure isn't it. totally, kill or cure. My guess is kill!!

You know, this is probably the best thing. if he wasn't going to do anything, he wasn't going to do it anyway..
And if he cares, he will come looking for you.

(maybe clean pjs wouldn't be a bad idea )

Ingrid- he took a call while you were talking to him about something upsetting ( about your friend btw ) - I wouldn't to that to my milkman let alone a good friend. I'm sorry, but he does sound a bit rude and tactless ( not good traits )
Maybe you've had a lucky escape?

Anyway - I'm switching MN off for the weekend - will check the thread on Monday for any developments - have a good weekend everyone x

and Ingrid - Chin up

LOL! chance'd be a fine thing! Weakly I have turned the phone back on, no reply (yet) and I don't anticipate one either. Will be frankly amazed if he turns up to meet the builder next week.

I feel like I'm playing games somehow, but I'm not trying to, it's just so bloody frustrating not having a CLUE what's going on, and if he does call and say wtf is going on, I'll say well, I was falling flat on my face in love and then someone told me you still love so-and-so. So I felt like an eejit.

At that point he can either argue the case that he doesn't still love her, or he can say well, maybe it's for the best, fair enough. I can't really guess which it might be, my feeling is he will just avoid me totally which is fine by me.
I can't cope with the guessing. I don't care if he thinks I'm a sandwich short of a picnic. It's worth it just to feel like I'm in control again, whether that's stupid or not - I can't function in that sort of limbo.

Not sure I agree about the call, though.. Men can get very nervous around emotions and can come across as tactless. My DH is a sweetie and pretty emotionally articulate, and I think he would still quite possibly take that phone call.

Thankyou...Carmina, I wish you a lovely weekend too and many thanks for your help here

Mams - well, I don't know. If it hadn't been from my buildre I might not have minded so much!!! It's a grey area isn't it. There wasn't much of a chance to come back to the subject anyway...maybe in private we would have.

I just feel from what I was told today that he was enjoying the attention, but didn't really want to give it back iyswim. Which is fine, it's allowed - I just needed it spelled out.

Careful not to build up a whole new alternative version of the story based on HERESAY!!!!!!

Well she was actually the second person to say the same thing, but the first person didn't know him that well either and it was before I checked with HIM that he wasn't still involved, and he said 'Oh that's totally over'. So it just kind of builds a very confusing picture, if everyone else says he loves her, and he says he doesn't, but then he doesn't act on my advances either.

I get what you're saying though! Will try and keep a balance.

Wait. What just happened there?

I'm really confused. You didn't get a yes but were hoping; then you didn't get a no and the signals were ambiguous and not that friendly. So you've put two and two together and made...what?

This is the first time you've been direct with him about how you feel, and it's to say 'oh well you don't like me then'. What about effing well asking rather than deciding for him? To borrow another MNer's phrase, what the actual fuck?

Ingrid. Are you nuts ?

At least turn your flipping phone on. Stop trying to control everything. Take a deep breath, turn the phone on, do some plastering, and have some . He might call, or might not, but you will survive either way and there is nothing to be gained from closing down possibilities. And either way the plastering needs doing.

No there IS a gain to be made and it's that I feel better. A bit.

It isn't so much his signals, it's a mixture - he's been really distant today and nervous of being with me, and didn't want to come round, and still hasn't mentioned what I said before, or acted on any of it, and I've made it really obvious (I think so anyway) and then someone told me he still loves someone else.

So I wanted to extricate myself from it all, it's too much to bear. He hasn't told me how he feels about anything or anyone. I seem to be doing all the expression of feelings, and taking all the risks, while he stays safe saying and doing nothing.

I can't stand it. So I'm taking my one sided imaginary relationship and dealing with it in the only way I know how.

Is it sabotage Manatee? I don't know, maybe it is but he was giving me nothing to go on.

Also have a You sound a bit frazzled.

When you told him you cared for him, in that text message, what did you actually say? If you made it crystal clear what you meant, and he's been avoiding you since, then I agree - the prognosis is not good.

I'm for you in any case. (Though also at your plastering skillz)

thankyou, you're really lovely. In 'that' text I said something like, 'doesn't the world seem big sometimes, [..]? And there you are, so near and suddenly it doesn't matter, it's just quiet and beautiful'.

That is pretty clear isn't it, and now it's posted here I feel proper stupid. It was just what I felt at the time. I felt brave enough to say that to him.

He hasn't avoided me, he's been lovely, just not mentioned it. and then today he was just all preoccupied. I have NO idea where I stand, and after I wrote that I think he should perhaps have made some attempt to make his own feelings clear, if he has any that is.

I'm definitely frazzled, so grateful for the hug

Im really sorry that you are feeling upset, but you kinda told him you liked him in a romantic way and he did not respond, that to me is very telling. He see's you as a friend, and doesn't want to upset you by commenting as he does not feel the same.

Happens sometimes.

Try to take a step back and look at it from a different angle.

It's been ages now since you two started talking and he has never taken it a step further, yet you have intimated you want to and he hasn't done anything about it at all. It's clear to me he isn't interested in you like that.

Really sorry.

I don't think it's that clear. If a man sent that to a woman, that'd be a pretty romantic message, but men can be very literal-minded. I'm not sure (at least thinking of the men I know) a man would immediately interpret a message like that as 'shag me now plzkthx'. Plus there is no obvious response to it. 'Clear' is more like 'I really fancy you, how about a date sometime?'

I hate to say this, but it sounds as though the first time you said clearly that you fancy him was 'I was sorry for reading it all wrong, and I've just realised and I hope we can still be friends, and I'll get over my crush.' In his position, I'd be a bit now, as you are.

My guess is that he has no idea what's going on either. Again, I don't have any advice. Best case scenario is that he calls, you arrange to meet up, go for a walk, clarify your feelings vis a vis each other and it's the answer you're hoping for. But having sent a message like that I fear that the ball really is in his court now. Even if he doesn't call, it sounds like you'll have a chance to talk in private before long - even if he doesn't bring it up, you might want to consider opening the subject then.

Thankyou, Fabby I get that now for the first time, and that's why I sent the message saying sorry. I just wanted to get over my embarrassment, and for him to KNOw I was Ok and was sorry as the last thing I want is for him to feel uncomfortable about it all.

So I meant it. Though obv hoping he would call and say 'Oh lord, I really do like you, you twit' and it'd be sorted. But I think you're probably right. I was just sort of getting it over with so he didn't have to, and I wasn't holding on for ever trying to interpret his motives.

Manatee, yes you're right too, the ball is totally in his court - I can't sustain this in one direction. I need some help here from the person I care about the most. He's not helping me out. So I think I can surmise that he isn't that bothered. I wish he was, but like you say, you can't force it.

I'll post if he says anything. He probably won't though.

and yes he will need to talk to me because of the builder. I'm sure he can find a way to avoid it though if he tries hard enough!

I did say I hope we'll stay friends so maybe it'll be Ok. I don't really want him to avoid me. I just want everything to be clear. And yes to be clear and for him to fancy me madly, too, but that's not looking too likely atm.

Oh Ingrid pet......I can sense your frustration!

To be honest I have to agree with Manatee, I don't think your text was very clear either.....don't assume he knows what you meant and is avoiding you - he might well just think you were saying something nice for no reason...

You need to talk to him, you'll drive yourself nuts trying to work out how he feels..

I so feel your pain, don't keep torturing yourself.....here's another

Dont feel embarassed, when you like someone in a certain way what better way to let them know than to tell them, he could just be confused as to what is going on like Manatee said.

It's best to find out now if it is going to go any further or you just keep falling for him and not see anybody else if someone comes along, and you don't want to be waiting for nothing do you.

thankyou, I so needed that!

No, don't want to be waiting for nothing or throwing myself at someone who's just bemused by it.

I think in a way I had to say something, and this was at least a way to do it without seeming threatening.

I didn't want to say 'I really fancy you' in case it scared him, so I've given him a way out, which is a weird way of doing it and yes he will probably take the way out suggested, but at least I'll know then.

It was forcing the issue a bit.