Blow Job troubles- bit exteme warning

[GlitterHo]

sensitive subject _I've never been any good at them, I too much of a gag reflex I can never take * ahem full length without gagging.

I feel really bad as I'm letting him down on my side of the deal as he doesnt get satisfied properly.

the other night was just messing around and he just grabbed the back of my head and was literally like shagging my head, felt like I couldn't breathe and was gagging everywhere told him to stop eventually, started crying felt really bad I should be able to do it :(

Any tips on how I can round it??

surely you can see that a guy does this and is thinking this is what women love, I see it ALL the time in porn so as much as that is misguided and ill informed, does it make them abusers?

I think it indicates someone whose porn use has skewed their ideas about respectful sex

I wouldn't give houseroom to someone like that, abuser or not

peterandre Thanks for your post, I do not want anyone on here thinking I condone this behaviour, I don't.

But from the words on a screen I am prepared to give it all the benefit of doubt?

Yes and the advice, strong good advice, I think is useful for her. It is just quite often threads like these run away with themselves and it turns into the cliche of " he is a misogynist, leave him, do it now" We know so little.

Anyway I have waded in and have made myself clear I think/hope?

OP I hope you are OK, and you work it out. Some great advice here.

when I was very young, I had skewed ideas about what constitued a decent bloke

I wish MN had been around when I was doing some of the stupid things I did

some of the conforming , appeasing and manpleasing bullshit I believed, would make your toes curl, OGG

I work in Rape ans Sexual Violence support. I have worked with women for a lot less. I have lost my belief in the sentance "it was a one off". I've learned she always excuses it as a one off- until the next time, which is then usually too difficult to think about so she practices a bit of serious self distraction (shopping is popular, as is drinking). The third time it's too late, it's a pattern, she questions if she deserves it. If she's been treated like this before she will conclude she is the connecting factor and therefore deserves it. If she has not been treated like this before she will conclude it is so out of character for a man that she must have deserved it. How commonplace is this pattern of thinking? I think about 95% of the women I work with who were assaulted in a relationship broadly follow it.

Leave now, sticking around just gives him the message he can appologise and it'll all be Ok. In a normal relationship a sin at the level of appologise and be forgiven might be forgetting to put the laundry on, being 20 minutes late or losing your valentines card. I'm not ranking sexual assault quite in the same way and it disturbs me to think that you are. You're not a thing.

If that last sentance doesn't sit naturally with you then consider speaking to Rape Crisis who despite the name also assist women who have not been raped but have been sexually assaulted.

peter that is shit, and I think an unfortunate rite of passage in many ways for lots of young women. It is really sad, and I feel very lucky to have been with partners who have been loving, experimental and safe. I know I have made good sexual choices and never been pressured into doing anything. I feel like having strong females in my RL has made my life choices secure. It is blessing for sure.

Perhaps glitter is like you suggest, young and has some messed up ideas of what is OK sexually.

The advice given is sound. I still stand by my assumption that this could be a blip in what is usually a good relationship. If not then...leave the bastard, he may well have an unhealthy deference to porn and allows fantastical urges to become non consensual practices. If that is the case, then in all seriousness, run for the hills.

it could be a blip, yes, although someone who works with sexual assault cases doesn't think so

being indoctrinated by porn use though, doesn't make me hold out too much hope especially if Op were to shrug off his assault, and her crying, and reward the behaviour by "trying to do a better blow job next time"

in fact, I would say that would be a fucked-up thing to do...and definitely not in glitterho's best interests, nor in his, if he has any desire to have a loving relationship with a woman who isn't a porn fucktoy

I hope glitter updates us

too many of these threads end up open ended...god knows what happens to some of these women

OP do you feel like you have been sexually assaulted in some way or do you feel that perhaps your partner got carried away and was disrespectful?

The op actually cried afterwards too by the way not during because she couldn't do it.

Completely agree with the porn thing it puts alot of pressure on young inexperienced women to live up to that image. In porn the guys always grab the womens hair and are forceful when getting the women to suck them off.My hubby has grabbed my head and pushed me towards him (early dating)not forcefully and i just knocked his hand out of the way his ex used to love it. Some girls must like that other girls don't. Sex isn't always loving and can be a bit rough sometimes but obviously not every ones into that and both have to be consenting.

"sexual assault cases"

sorry for my awful shorthand

by "trying to do a better blow job" Op actually means "suppressing her gag reflex and not crying"

nice

Excellent post JessRabbit though I think placing his testicles in a death grip would be far more effective.It would take weeks for him to recover.

OP, deep-throating isn't for everyone (it's a hardcore sexual practise although MN Feminists will call it "abuse") so worry more about the harm it could do to you than about satisfying him.

I had a chat and said ,
do you know last night...well that deepthroat thing you did ? really hurt and makes me gag im sick of telling you.
DP'mumble..mumble.sorry
and I said he'd better not do it again

i know it seems feeble but i've put it on the table

What are you sick of telling him, GH?

AyeRobot- that trying full length makes me gag
its the first time ever deepthroat but ive treid to go all the way down before.

hes was stroking my leg aftwrwards in a sorry sort of way, if he thinks thats his way of getting more he can fuck off

But why are you sick of telling him? Will he not listen to you?

nope

Sounds like it took a bit of guts to say something, Glitter. Well done. I'm deeply unimpressed by his response.

You don't have to put up with rubbish, you know. There are lovely men who'd be mortified if they thought they'd caused you discomfort during sex.

These threads are taking weird turns lately. I keep feeling I have to justify that I'm not anti-men and do enjoy sex (and know how to do deep throat, if anybody cares). Actually, I don't need to justify these things. As PeterAndre succinctly explained, I too have been on the wrong end of too many dickheads and I'm proud of trying to help other women benefit from my experience before they've been through too much shit!

Absolutely amazing post, Underachieving . It should be on a good half of thse threads. Thank you for refusing to minimise a woman's 'discomfort'.

Oh dear.

You do know that's not right, don't you? Sex should be about what you both want and certainly not doing anything that you have explicitly said you don't like. He doesn't sound very respectful at all.

What is he like in the rest of your life?

OP - a blow job is not a right your DP needs to learn that he has no right to put any demands upon you sexually. His behaviour is totally unacceptable.

B.J's aren't for everyone as pointed out above and he should love and respect you enough to accept that when you choose to give him one it will be on your terms.

p.s there is probably nothing wrong with your technique he more than likely just has a warped perception due to watching to much porn! but there are some good books out there that give some good advice and tips get onto amazon or match.com if you decide to invest in a new bloke rather than book which might be best.

If it was a first encounter between very young inexperienced people, that's one thing. If he does this over and over despite you telling him that it's awful for you...that's quite another thing.

Glitter, if you did something sexual to your partner that was physically unpleasant for him, and he told you that, what would your reaction be?

a) total mortification, really sorry, promise never to do it again, and then never do
b) keep doing it and then do it more forcefully

Bottom line: your discomfort and preferences are not as important to him as his orgasm. He doesn't see you as a real person.

Another one here who has been on the recieving end of crap when I was young and 'put up with it'.

This is not respectful, bloody hell. It isn't what a blow job is about either.

Poor OP - really feel for you. You don't HAVE to put up with this shit.