Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

I'm just exhausted. I've been going over and over everything in my head for so long it's making me crazy.

I feel so sad that we both planned DS and now he has been brought into this. He doesn't deserve it at all, he has been so good for me the last few weeks.

My friend said we can stay here as long as I want but I think I will start looking for somewhere else soon so it's just me and DS

ok right I have some positive things to say because I think you have been battered with negatives.
Just because he is a crap partner and an abusive dick (which he is) does not mean he cannot be a decent father, and have a relationship with his son.
Most men like him put themselves above all else, including their children. They view their partners and children as "belonginings" to control.
BUT if you can detach yourself, it will be better for your son. he won't have to see it, be part of it, or have it model male behaviour and relationships on. But he may be a decent father. When he realises he can no longer control you.
My ex is an ok father, not brilliant, but ok, and the girls have an ok relationship with him. that is enough and far better than when we were together.
Just because you are not with him, doesnt mean he wont have a relationship with his son.

thanks macdoodle I hope you're right.
DS is so little he is changing everyday and I don't want him to miss out on that

I used to worry about that, he has never bathed Dd2, put her to bed, watched her sleeping :) Missed them growing each day, being part of their lives.
Then I realised it doesnt matter!
It was still part of me wanting to "help him"/fix him/be there for him, part of the codependancy. And I cant fix him, never could, as much as you can't fix your H.
But it doesnt matter, your DS has you, to be there, to see everything, to love him, to watch him sleeping :) and believe me it will be enough, it will be more than enough, it will be so much better than being there the next time his father calls his mother names or punches her in the face, and maybe he will be an ok father, so it will enough :)
You will be fine without him, more than fine, you will be happy and safe and be the person you should be, and so will your DS. Don't let him colour your life, derail it. Its not enough.

macdoodle is right. Being a shitty husband doesn't mean he can;t be a decent dad.

he has had a rather busy time of it too this past weekend and it is possible that he has gotten so wound up in his own situation and arguing his point that he hasn't asked about yrou Ds. that doesn't mean he doesn't love him or will be just as good a father as he has been up until now.

The very best you can do for your son is to get to a stage where you are able to look at him without anger. to be able to have an amicable relationship for the sake of yoru son. To do that you will need to stay well away from him for the time being.

Is there a thrid party that could do hand overs for a while?

Who do you not want to miss out, the DS or the H? If you don't want your H to miss out on that, please stop yourself dead in your tracks.

If you don't want your DS to miss out on having a father, please stop immediately and realise that no father at all is better by far than one who punches the mother of his child.

It is entirely up to the H to decide what kind of a father he wants to be, or if he wants to be a father at all. You cannot fix him wrt being a father either, as Macdoodle says.

He has to man up himself and he has to do it because he sees it as important for his son and not because he sees some way of being a thorn in your flesh. Do not accept anything less and do not attempt to fix this man as a father.

This father thing is central to you, and you need to get to the bottom of it.

fairy be kind to yourself. Stay with your friend for a while for support but be aware that when you get your own place it will be hard and the reality will hit again. I think you should contact womens aid now as well as speaking to your health visitor and anyone else who might be able to help you. If you start seeing these people now, then in the future they will be there for you and it will all be in place to help you.
Also I would recommend 3rd party handovers too... after 3 visits from my ex h to my kids I have decided that it is best as he tries to pile all his shit onto me again even if i only see him for 2 minutes. TBH you don't need that.
I am that this is the way things have turned out but also [happy] that this could be the start of things getting better.

I don't want either of them to miss out on it but I see what you are saying, it is down to him

fairy,
Rather a strange thing to say but I'm almost pleased that your H has behaved like this over the weekend. It's so easy to feel that you owe him another chance because you made your vows and your DS needs a father. But the vows you made were about being loved and honoured and cherished. All couples have arguments, but the level of violence and control you've experienced is not a part of a normal disagreement.

Tomorrow, or the next day, your H will be in touch full of apologies. He may not be consciously aware that he is treating you like the mouse while he is the cat toying with you. But this is what he is doing. Tomorrow you may well feel relieved that he has called. He will want you to feel responsible for his drinking over the weekend. He'll be drinking because he's lonely, sad, missing his son blah, blah, blah. Try to stay strong if you can. Reread those horrible texts and the posts on here.

On a practical note, my understanding is that if you leave your home because you cant stay there due to risk of violence then you are treated as being homeless as far as being housed is concerned. Shelter have lots more information on this and a free helpline Shelter

Make yourself a list of what you need to do tomorrow, and make talking to yoour mum fairly near the top. She can be someone else to share the joy that your DS is bringing until your ex is in a better position to do so.

That's right fairycakes. You saying you are sad that your H is missing out on little things shows that you are still thinking of his needs and wishes. Of course you aren't going to snap out of that immediately. But hopefully with time you will realise that he is not deserving of your concern. It is down to his actions that he is missing out. He had the opportunity to repent and he screwed up again. Pity him if you must but don't afford him any more of your concern or kindness.

You need to start being kind to yourself. In the coming weeks you are going to go through a series of emotions as you disentangle yourself from this poisonous situation, and you need to be on your own side - treat yourself as kindly as you would treat a friend or relative going through the same thing. Allow yourself time to grieve, big yourself up, make lists of all the bad things he has done, and make a list of all the ways in which your life will improve without him in it. Make a list of everything good about yourself. Display that one prominently and refer to the negative ones about him whenever you feel yourself wobble. Reread the stuff about the negative impacts DV can have on children who witness it and congratulate yourself endlessly for having saved your child from that fate. Do you have a good relationship with your Mum? If so, do go round and tell her what you have been through, so she can help you recover. And arm yourself with as much info as possible on your housing and financial rights - perhaps with a visit to the CAB and a chat with Women's Aid.

By the way my last post assumes you are going to stay away from him, and that's because I am positive you are going to stay strong and do the right thing!

ballstoit is bang on (it's LadyBiscuit here). I think the biggest thing you need to do is tell people. Especially your mum. That's really hard I know but you need to make this real. Give this words if you can. The more you can talk about it, the stronger you become.

You're sounding stronger, and that's so good, lovely lady. I also agree that just because he's been a twat of a husband doesn't mean that he can't be an okay dad. I would second, third and fourth him having 3rd party contact with your son so you don't have to deal with him. Keep strong. xxx

Every morning I wake up and it's like I'm living a bad dream. I still wish he would call me and tell me he's sorry. Not sure he's ever said that word to me before.
Deep down I know he would be doing me a massive favour if he didn't and even if he did I couldn't go back. But I do still love him. Or maybe I love the person I thought he was

Hi fairycakes. I'm afraid I hope he won't call and say sorry, but I fear he will. You are still in a vulnerable place, and I worry that if he does call and apologise, with a bit of persuading you will be putty in his hands again.

Just try to remember that in addition to all of the terrible things he did before you left him, since then he has still been abusive and controlling after being Mr Nice Guy didn't seem to work out for him. He called you names and accused you of all sorts when he was drunk, and even when he sobered up he didn't apologise or retract his words!

I know you think you love the nice side of him, but in time you will realise that this isn't real love. I also know that at the moment, you feel really low, and the only thing you feel will raise your spirits is if he apologised, professed his undying love again, and magically turned back into the man you thought he was. You have to realise and accept, no matter how hard it is, that that man doesn't exist. It's a cliche but it's true, a leopard cannot change his spots.

You can and will be happy away from him. Why don't you go and see your Mum today? Also listen to a few empowering songs, you'd be surprised how much they can lift your spirits. Instead of thinking as yourself as a victim, see yourself as a strong woman who is not going to take any more crap, who is going to cut out the bad influence in her life and make it her aim in life to love and protect her son.

Fairy you are in love with an ideal, what you think your husband should be not what he actually is. You need to be honest with yourself and ask if he has ever been the man you love or whether you are following a fantasy or a preconception of what you think you should be feeling?

All the best for you and your DS

This is the hardest part. It really really is. Sorry to be cheesy but it's another song moment - "And it's in between the leaving and the loving, that's when looking back's the hardest part of all".

Things will get better from here - they might get worse for a while as he continues to play games but the more you can see what he's doing, the more immune to it you will be. Things will get better, not in the way you wish they would, but in new ways that you never imagined could even happen. The next few months are going to be a rollercoaster, but at the end of it you'll find happiness you never knew existed :)

fairy please write a list of all the things he did to you, so you can read it in a moment of potential weakness.

You are doing so well, please take comfort from the fact that so many of us on here have been thru it and come out the other side. it is a hard road but it will be worth it.

But I do still love him. Or maybe I love the person I thought he was

yes, you have it

You're doing well, fairy. I want to chime in on the reassurances that your H can still be a father even with you being apart - my ex is in a better position to be a father to my DD since I took her away, because now she doesn't have to witness him bullying me, and she doesn't end up conflicted.

You've been through an awful lot in a few short months! It will get easier.

it takes a long time to learn not to love him.
Even though you know you shouldn't.

Even when you think you no longer love him he will still manage to get you upset or annoyed, because you will still be emotionally attached.

I cannot tell you the sheer pleasure of feeling nothing for someone that has treated you badly. I have reached this stage with my ex and it is the most fabulously liberating feeling. to hear something about him and think "so?" i don't care. i dont get angry or upset or annoyed or...anything.

but until that time comes (and it will take a long long time) you need to make sure you listen to your head not your heart.
Find somethin that when you look at it it reminds you why you don't want to go back to him. Be that a photo, a text, a pair of socks..whatever. Keep it somewhere and every now and then you will stumble across it and it will remind you of just why you aren't together.

Because sometimes you will forget. those rose tinted shades will slip down and you will remember those times when you thought you were happy.

But you are right, he is doing you a huge favour by continuing to be a bastard. if he were to try the charm offensive he would probably succeed. Thankfully he hasn't and it has allowed you the time you needed to see through the emotion.

You may not feel it now but you are incredibly strong. YOu are doing very well indeed and soon enough you will have the life you want.

You can leave. We can do it together.

He will be lovely at the moment because he wants you back.

your emotions will be all over the place. you need to grieve for the relationship you thought you had. it will all get stirred up every time you see him. good luck.

It's okay to still love him, it doesnt just switch off. But it's important to love your DS and yourself more. DS is top priority and he needs you.

Thinking of you and hope you have the sunshine that I have here to make those phone calls and lists a tiny bit easier to make.

fairy he'll find it hard to move on, because as harsh as it sounds people like you are hard to find, someone who will overlook the bad, and continually look for the best in people.

My BF when I was in my late teens used to hit me, I swore it was my fault for upsetting him, not being the perfect GF he wanted. I never told anyone until omg after I had left him, part of me even viewed his behaviour as normal, I knew parents argued, I just assumed this was an extension of that. Everyone from the outside saw us as the perfect couple, and to this day there are still people who believe that I made it all up.

After him I met my (now ex) H, I used to tell myself he was so much better than my BF, as he never raised his hands, never left a single bruise. But he was argueably worse, he locked me in the house, took away the phones, even went as far as going into my work place (one day when he'd locked me in the house) and clearing my desk out and telling my boss I wasn't coming back.

I then had a very long period on my own, I felt awful, I kept questioning my sanity, feeling I must have done something worng as they were both so nice outwardly, and most of the time at the begining of the realationship. I even got so down I seriously considered taking my life. I got heavily involved in drugs and basically gave up on life.

Eventually I managed to drag myself out of the mess I was in - this was largely due to one fantastic friend and my mom.

I now know that I never deserved anything that those horrible men put me through, and they have not changed one bit.

This seems to be a bit of a me me me post, but I wanted to basically say, you're not alone, things will get bad, but they will really get so much better for both you and your DS.

Do not go back to this horrible man.

He's the one who has broken his vows not you
He's the one who will ruin your DS. It's his fault entirely if he's missing out on your DS growing up - what would you do if when he was older your Dh tried to hit you and your DS stood in the way and took the blow? How could you bring your DS up feeling that was normal?

All you have to do is look after yourself, and love your DS, there will always be people to support you if you go it on your own, please don't go back.

Very inspiring post, NBM