Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

Fairy - can you see the benefit of staying away now? Can you see that the time you have had alone has allowed you the freedom to see what he is like.

With regards to your son i wouldn't try and get anything sorted just now. If an when he asks to see him you can arrange to meet him somewhere and let him take your son for a period. Don't spend the time there as well. The idea of contact is for him to enjoy time with your son, not you.

I am sorry that you are having to face the realisation that he is not the wonderful man you had hoped, I really am.
But I am very glad you are now able to see it.

No, don't tell him. I was simply asking so that you can see that even someone who is his friend would most likely think that hitting you is beyond the pale.

I'm sure that others have said this, but you do realise that the times where he is being nice are not real, don't you? Because if he was nasty all the time, then you would have gone a long time ago. Wouldn't you?

There's a thread on another site Here that has a discussion of some of the chapters from the Why Does He Do That? book. Maybe worth a read.

I think this guy's intentions are good but I don't know if he told DH he has been in contact with me or if DH is just guessing because he knows we are quite close and has always been a bit jealous of it

Sorry, I mean don't tell him without thinking hard about it. It might not be in your interests.

So I'm a little bit wary of what I say to him but he does seem to care

Your H is accusing you of an affair because to deflect blame on to you he is "allowed" to be angry at you. he has an excuse to call you these names. It also means that he can deflect your upset over his affair by saying you had one too.

He really is a text book bastard. I know that that will sting to hear, but it is true.
Without hearing your story i could have writen down the sort of things he would do. play by play, and in your moments of clarity you would be noding along as you recognise yourself.

You do not need to tell him that his freind has passed on thsi information. But i think it is very telling that his friend has risked that friendship in order to reveal his cheating. No one likes to get involved in someone elses marriage, least of all men. for him to have put his neck on theline like that speaks volumes to me.

I'm starting to think I'm too messed up to have a relationship with anyone right now

i think he's the one that should be thinking that.. but he won't.

And you would be right.

You have been through a lot. you need to spend some time finding your feet and rebuilding you.

but eventually you will be bigger and better than before, and when the time is right you will find a lovely amazing man who will worhsip you every day. who will be gratefull to have you.

you will.

Fairy, please please please LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS.

They can see the situation even more clearly than we can. They are telling you the truth, and they obviously care about you and are worried too.

If a mate of your husbands is telling you something, then that really does mean take notice.

You have made the biggest scariest step, and you are free. Stay away. Dont go back to this man who is treating you like shit, you and your son deserve better.

Your son will be happier with you on your own than in a house where a fist is flying millimetres from his face. That could so easily have been your child that got punched. He could be dead. Think seriously about that.

I didnt realise for a long time I was in a DV situation even after I left I still didnt believe it really, not till I found MN and seen it had all the classic signs

My Ex has spent the last 10 years trying to still control me, it wasnt easy in the beginning but I take zero notice of him now

It just means I count my blessings I left, as I cant begin to imagine my life now had I not had the courage to leave

My DS actually has a good relationship with his Dad, as my Ex was so busy convincing everyone that I was mad he rarely put a foot wrong with DS

I have been so sad for you reading this thread, as I think if MN had been here for me 10 years ago, I could have said everything you had, word for word

Not much use to you I suppose but just pointing out that if you leave him, it doesnt mean DS cant still have a relationship with his Dad

Good luck and take care

No RCT I didn't, in fact the night I left the police were there and the policewoman took me into a different room and was gently asking me questions and I thought "why is she talking to me like I'm a victim of domestic violence?"

Then the penny dropped...

Fairy be wary of what you say to your H's friend. Even if he is lovely and entirely well-intentioned towards you, he may inadvertently let things slip to your ex that you would not want him to know. You have no idea how devious violent men like your ex can be to reach their ends. If you get a new mobile number (which I would strongly urge you to do, to regain control over your communications) do NOT give the number to anyone, especially not anyone who has contact with your ex (like his friend). It would be child's play for your ex to get the new number- a casual glance at friend's phone while he's in the loo for example. And yes he WILL do that and he WILL feel like it's a victory over you.

Only people you trust ABSOLUTELY should be given it, and even then only a very small handful of people (say 3, just in case it's needed). Otherwise, keep the other SIM card and put it in your phone when you're feeling strong enough to deal with his crap.

And by "deal with his crap" I mean not rise to it or be taken in by it. You could just ask for this whole thread to be moved to "Off the beaten track" instead of deleted. Then you could carry on posting but he shouldn't be able to track you down. If you think he knows your user name and passwords, you could change those to stop him from logging in to see what you're up to.

I was more worried about maybe somebody I know seeing it and telling him but I think that is unlikely.
When I typed that I thought that he was serious about working things out and didn't want anything to jeopardise it but looks like he is throwing it away all on his own.

:( Sorry this is happening fairy. At least you're finding out his true colours before getting DS' hopes up for a reunion.

If the thread does get deleted after the weekend do start a new one if you want to keep talking (or just send MN a new report saying you changed your mind)

My H once called a family meeting, accused me of an affair ( which I wasn't having ) and attempted to get me to sign paperwork to say I would relinquish all rights to family home and have nothing more to do with our DD if I carried on with this 'affair'.

I told him to shove his paperwork.

After he passed away I discovered a set of photos of him on a romantic weekend with his ex wife which took place at the time he accused me.

Why would you want to be with a man who sleeps with other women? thats just vile

Stay away and make a new life.

When you meet someone who really cares about you, you will wonder why you were so upset by this idiot excuse for a man.

oh yes fairy def get another sim card and don't give him the number. The first time i felt ex h he had my number and he was ringing and texting all the time until he wore me down. the second time i got a new sim card and he still doesn't have the number. In fact i destroyed my original one so if he wants to contact me know he has to do so by email or in an emergency via my mum whose number he has. I found it very empowering to be able to "switch him off"!

I don't want to be with someone who's sleeping with another woman no.

I only found out last night that he is still seeing her. on friday he swore to me it was a one-off

yes I think so dittany. no wonder he agreed when I said it was too soon for me to move back in.

oh Fairy.

How are you feeling now? You have been right thrugh the ringer this weekend haven't you.

Oh fairy :( This is all really, really shit. On a positive note, I'm so glad MN haven't deleted this thread because I have been concerned about you (have been out all day) and it means I can see if you're okay.

How are you feeling? Can you stay with your friend for a while? What do you think about telling your mum about what's going on? She must be really worried about you

'I take DS round there to see him and he is fantastic with him but if I don't take him round he doesn't ask about him or anything. I don't understand it and it really breaks my heart that he didn't even mention him today'

This relationship is all about you and your absent father. I don't mean this in a hurtful way, but you have work to do on yourself, Fairy.

He gave you a few days of being 'nice' and failed to move you. Then he turned to harassing you at night and angry accusations.

His accusation that you are having an affair is not based on any facts or anything anyone has told him. He is saying that because you didn't answer his texts and calls while you were doing a perfectly reasonable thing all night -- you were sleeping, FGS.

To use an affair as an accusation shows that he thinks of you as property. It also shows that there is nothing reasonable about him, nothing rational either. People sleep at night and don't stay awake in case a violent drunk wants to chat. He thinks you should have.

His abusive texts and his anger with you show that he has absolutely no grip whatsoever on reality or what a relationship should be about. He is not going to apologise. If he manages to say the words it will only be to gauge your response and see if that would work to achieve his ends where bullying might not.

He thinks you should have responded because he is a bottomless pit of need that you can never fill, and because you can never fill that pit he lashes out at you in contempt and anger. The contempt is there because you try. The anger is because he knows he can't be helped. There is nothing, good or bad, that you can do to this man or for him that would make any difference to his response to you.

Be very careful here. He can switch it on and off again with the DS too, not just with you. He can play doting father but he is just as capable of threatening to hurt your son to gain leverage or put pressure on you.

In many ways, you do not exist as a real person for him. You are a screen onto which he projects everything screwed up that there is inside him. Same goes for the DS.