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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

515 replies

fairycakesandsprinkles · 06/03/2011 21:50

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms Sad
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 15:10

I thought at least if he showed remorse and showed that he wanted me back then I still have hope that we can work it out.

But how he spoke to me today and tonight I'm not so sure.. I don't know why he is being like this when he was fine friday and yesterday when I was texting him

OP posts:
antlerqueen · 13/03/2011 15:11

i think there's 12 pages of the thread to show you why, sadly.

*hug

dittany · 13/03/2011 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 15:12

I didn't grow up in an abusive home but I never knew my dad and I don't want that for DS.

I take DS round there to see him and he is fantastic with him but if I don't take him round he doesn't ask about him or anything. I don't understand it and it really breaks my heart that he didn't even mention him today

OP posts:
Becaroooo · 13/03/2011 15:13

sigh.

He is being like it because you let him.

I am sure he is very sorry that you have moved out and are standing up to him at last.

Sorry that he hit you?

Dont think so.

Becaroooo · 13/03/2011 15:15

What do you feel constitutes him being "fantastic" with your ds?

Playing with him?

Cuddling him?

Asking after his health/how he has been?

Not hitting him?

?????

Becaroooo · 13/03/2011 15:16

Are you saying its better to have a dad - albeit an abusive one - than none at all?

I know quite a few abused wives and children who would stringly disagree with you fairy

dittany · 13/03/2011 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kath1973 · 13/03/2011 15:22

You are a very strong person for getting out of a dv situation - not everyone has that strength.

I have been through dv and have had support from Womens Aid - it is worth seeing if there is a DV support group in your area - I have attended many courses and groups run by my local Womens Aid Outreach support group and they have helped me so much to get through the situation.

I know you think he can change, but in most cases it does not happen.

One of the things a perpetrator likes to do is make it feel like it is your fault it happened in the first place, there is no excuse for hitting a woman especially when she is holding a child. I agree with all the other people on here - it is not a relationship that will work.

You deserve someone who will treat you with respect and give you the love and support you need and deserve.

Getting support from a DV agency would be a good way to go.

dizietsma · 13/03/2011 15:22

Firstly, he doesn't have to never know his dad, I'm sure there would be ways to work it so that he does, provided your son can be kept safe when with him and he doesn't use your son as a conduit to abuse you further. I'm sure you could get a lot of advice on here for how to best work that from people who've been there and done that.

Ultimately though, it's better for him to have no dad than one who teaches him to abuse his life partner. That's what he'll learn from your partner, that's how a lot of domestic abuse happens. Handed down through the generations, the cycle of violence Sad Would you have liked to see your mother abused by your father? Can I tell you something? It is a lifelong emotional scar to see your mother beaten and downtrodden, emotionally abused and meek as a mouse in the face of a household tyrant. Your son deserves better than that.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 15:35

There is a friend of his who I am quite close to. There is nothing in it really, we just get along well and he has stayed in touch with me throughout all this.
He was the one that told me DH has been seeing someone else (ie not a one-off as DH says) and that I would be a fool to go back to him.

DH knows I am in touch with him somehow and last night when I didn't answer his texts he was calling me all the names under the sun and accusing me of sleeping with him.

But he seems to think it's alright to sleep with another woman because she gave it to him on a plate Hmm

OP posts:
Becaroooo · 13/03/2011 15:38

So people in RL are telling you not to go back too???

What does that say, fairy?

Agree with what dittany said. I think its natural for us to want things for our children that we never had..in your case a father. BUT your ds can have male role models in his life - and I am betting they will be much better for him than this person.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 15:39

I am getting a horrible sinking feeling.
I keep expecting him to call and apologise but nothing so far..

OP posts:
newportstateofmind · 13/03/2011 15:39

Fairy, I think it's so telling that even his friend can see what a mistake it would be to go back to him.

Please stay strong. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your ds by staying away from him.

x

waterrat · 13/03/2011 15:40

Fairy she didn't give it to him on a plate. This is just the wOrst kind of bullying- his own friend is telling you not to take him back!! He is sleeping with someone else yet becoming aggressive and accusing you of sleeping with someone else - are you starting to see the truth about this man yet?

AyeRobot · 13/03/2011 15:41

Fairy, this thread is such a sad read. I know it might feel like people are getting at you, but I hope you know that they have the interests of you and your son at heart.

Does your friend know that your ex hit you?

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 15:43

Yes my friend who I'm staying with knows what happened that night and told me to leave and never go back.

Also his friend who I mentioned knows we are living apart but doesn't know he punched me. But he said that DH is not being honest with me and it was more than one time that he slept with this woman and he thinks he's still seeing her. He is not the type to lie but I don't know what I think about that

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 15:45

I don't like to think about it to be honest but maybe I need to

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 13/03/2011 15:46

So his friend doesn't know he hit you but thinks you shouldn't go back to him anyway? What do you think he would say if he knew? (not saying you should necessarily tell him, btw)

pikachu999 · 13/03/2011 15:46

fairy - i am so relieved to hear you have close friends like this. They can really help you. Your H sounds like he thinks he can do what he wants when he wants but gets cross if you make your own choices about who you see and when you text him or not.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 15:48

I think he would probably be horrified but I can't bring myself to talk about it in rl

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 15:49

I also don't know how DH knows I am still in contact with him so I'm not sure how much I should tell him.

OP posts:
tribpot · 13/03/2011 15:51

why are you worried about how much you should say, fairy?

dittany · 13/03/2011 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nbyet · 13/03/2011 15:52

Even if he does apologise fairycakes it won't mean he is sorry. He is trying a variety of different tricks to get u back under his control. He probably will apologise- 'i just want you back so much it's making me crazy' etc etc. Doesn't excuse it. He is an arse and will never change.