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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

515 replies

fairycakesandsprinkles · 06/03/2011 21:50

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms Sad
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

OP posts:
merrywidow · 13/03/2011 12:58

on a positive note my DP

never shouts and would never threaten or hit me
is interested in what I do
Will hold and cuddle me in bed with no pressure for sex
Makes sure the sex is as good for me too
Is sociable with my friends
helps with my DCs
talks to me not at me
does little things he knows I like
and tells me he loves me almost every day

What a joy he is

And this is what a loving relationship is like Fairy

humptydidit · 13/03/2011 13:05

merrywidow that sounds so lovely. And really reassuring that there is life and happiness after abuse Smile

fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 13:31

I fell asleep last night reading the messages on here and when DS woke me up at 6.00 I had loads of missed calls and texts from DH.

Supposed to be going round there soon but he sounds pissed off that I was texting him and then didn't answer

OP posts:
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 13:36

Some of the messages are not very nice at all. Sounds like he was drunk Hmm

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 13/03/2011 13:39

Sad I hope your situation improves soon.

humptydidit · 13/03/2011 13:39

Oh fairy...
Please give yourself time. Time to think and breathe.

nbyet · 13/03/2011 13:40

He hasn't even got you back yet officially, and already his true colours are showing fairycakes. What is the gist of what he said? Did he call you any names/swear at you?

fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 13:43

The first couple of messages were ok and then he gets frustrated that I'm not answering and asking what I'm doing and who I'm with. Yes there's some name calling, don't really want to repeat it

OP posts:
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 13:45

Now do I go over there or don't I? oh gosh I'm so tired of these games

OP posts:
dittany · 13/03/2011 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Becaroooo · 13/03/2011 13:50

You really need to ask that fairy??

The answer is "no".

He is showing his true colours.

Be strong.

TheVisitor · 13/03/2011 13:52

Nooooooooooo, don't go! He's being abusive by text. You'll be putting yourself at risk if you do. Don't put yourself through it, stop the games completely. Take control.

dittany · 13/03/2011 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dizietsma · 13/03/2011 13:58

What an awfully short honeymoon that was then, eh fairycakes? Here we are, once again, to tensions building.

nbyet · 13/03/2011 14:18

No you should definitely not go round fairycakes. Took him TWO DAYS to return to his old tricks, and you haven't even agreed to move back in yet. If this is him on his best behaviour - says a lot really doesn't it. If he was really repentant and determined to make up for his mistakes, he would be going out of his way to be kind, caring, respectful and loving. Instead, because he thinks he already has you back under the thumb, he is relaxing and letting his true, ugly colours come out. Dump the chump! Go and see your Mum instead and have a good old chat with her. Would you consider going and staying with her for a while? Let yourself be her daughter again and let her look after you, whilst in turn you look after your boy.

fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 14:32

I'm supposed to be taking DS to see him today, he hasn't seen him for over a week now Sad

OP posts:
Mouseface · 13/03/2011 14:36

fairy - NO!

Meet him in a public place, the park, or something.

Why are YOU taking DS to see HIM? Are his legs broken? Can he not get off his arse to come and pick his son up, take him out or meet you somewhere?

Why are you still letting him control you? Please fairy, take control. If he treats you badly (absues of any sort, including name calling) then there has to be consequences surely?

fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/03/2011 14:36

I just got of the phone to him and he didn't even mention it, he was just so pissed off with me.

Apparently I have no right to dictate to him what he does, I walked out on him and he will do whatever the hell he likes.

No he wasn't like that when I was with him. He was always quite vile when he had been drinking. It didn't used to be very often but it seems to be getting more frequent just lately

OP posts:
dittany · 13/03/2011 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winnybella · 13/03/2011 14:38

Tbh you should call WA for guidance re: contact. I think it should be supervised, I would not let the wanker like that to be alone with my child. You can't be sure what he might do just to make you miserable.

And as to going back to him- I'm sorry, but that would be a very, very bad and irresponsible decision to expose your son to DV again.

It's not all about you- it's about your child that you're responsible for.

That he is not a good and responsible parent- that's pretty much obvious.

So it leaves you to make sure that your son has an upbringing free of violence, arguments etc.

winnybella · 13/03/2011 14:40

x-post

What a twat. God.

waterrat · 13/03/2011 14:41

you walked out on him? fairy, you removed yourself to protect yourself and his child. any 'good' man who made a 'mistake' - which is how you are describing him - would be absolutely mortified that he had done this, and desperate to do anything to win you back.

For example - if I , in a fit of rage, hit my boyfriend and he walked out - I would be so desperate to prove that I loved him and that I would be a good partner to him - I would be on my best, best behaviour. He is pissed off with you???? this is a joke fairy - I really really wish you could get the self confidence to be angry with him for this - I hope you can.

Please, please give yourself the space to think about this with professional help. did you grow up in an abusive home? I wonder why you think that his behaviour is acceptable.

you say - if you all came on here and wrote the bad side of your DP's we'd say leave - no. My Dp's badside is that we argue about tidying up and he is really clean and I'm not. He has never punched me. that is NOT normal or acceptable.

how DARE he be pissed off with you. Fairy, the real man has come out here, he is angry that you are resisting his control. He hit you - he should be deeply, deeply ashamed. Instead, he went off and slept with someone else and is now having a go at you - his wife - for protecting herself and her child.

please, just give yourself space here to see all of this. a good man would understand that you need to create distance. A good man would respect this and work with you on building the relationship up.

dittany · 13/03/2011 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longtalljosie · 13/03/2011 14:42

Pissed off with you why? Because you had the gall to go to bed?

You need to tell us the content of the texts, and spell out his rationale. Because when you see it in black and white you'll be really dealing with the whole situation as it really is, not just seeing it from behind your fingers.

I've escaped from an abusive relationship myself, I understand. But I have escaped, and have a lovely, non-abusive DH. And I want that for you. But first, you have to realise what's going on.

He's not the judge and jury on your self-worth. He probably doesn't even mean his own insults. He just uses words as weapons, saying the thing he knows will upset you most, rather than the thing that is true.

nbyet · 13/03/2011 15:01

Fairycakes how is this making you feel about going back to him?