I have been thinking about this all morning.
You refusal to see the comparison between your situstion and the story of the child in care.
I can understand that. It is denial, yes, but quite normal i think.
I have spoken on here many many times about the abuse i suffered. everyone is shocked and appalled. But actually, until i left i didn't even accept it as abuse.
I genuinly didn't.
Abuse was like you saw on the telly. Mine wasn;t liek that. I wasn't the meak and mild downtrodden woman. I am Mamazon. The big confident no nonesense woman with a career and plenty of self esteem.
we just argued because we had a passionate relationship. I would never let a man abuse me. no no no.
Even when i left i didn't want to go to the refuge. I didn't want to take the place of a woman suffering true DV. I just couldn't see that what i went through was what refuge was all about.
I did go to the refuge. i stayed for 6 months. But during that time i would take the children to see their dad. I would drive them to him. I would try and wait in the car but he would beg me to help bring them in, or help set the pushchair, or see something inside.
once inside i wouldnt get back out. not for hours. It would become just like before within minutes. he would start by begging me to stay and then get angry when i wouldn't.
It took 2 or 3 weeks to finally learn not to take the children there.
After 6 months at the refuge i found somewhere to live. After about 2 months of being in the new hme he found me. HE turned up at the door. I was so shocked i just let him in. he was sweetness itself. I convinced myself that my taking the children and giving him the space was enough. he had learned his lesson this time. he new i was serious. everything was lovely for a few weeks. Then there was something said, petty i am sure, and he kicked off. He raped me at knifepoint on the kitchen floor whilst my daughter sat screaming in her walker next to me.
When he left i decided that i wouldn't let him in again. enough was enough. But when he came back next time and i refused to let him in he kicked off. he was screamingoutside, kicking and punching trying tobreak the door down.
My neighbour called the police. police called the landlord. I was so terrified i would be evicted that i covered up for him. I said that it was a drunk who was shouting at me earlier in the day and i was rude to so he must have followed me home. (he had buggered off when he knew the police were on the way)
He would break in all the time after that. knowing i wouldn't speak up. A few times the police were called by neighbours because they could hear what he was doing to me through the walls. He would then hide whilst they were here whilst i lied about it. Tv was up too loud, neighbour must have been mistaken, kids were shouting etc etc.
When the police left he would come back and tell me what a good girl i was. If i really hated hiim i would have got him arrested and taken away, obviously i did love him. i just forgot, i was surpressing it. but deep down i new.
It took almost a year but my parents moved a long way away to a place i had never heard of. I picked up one day and left again. I fled my own home. i moved in with my parents which was horrific but it meant he had no clue where i was.
It took me a very very long time to finally get my head around it all. to see how being with him was chinese water torture. in teh begining you don't notice the odd drop. but after a while those little drops mount up and you end up drowning.
it has taken me a very very long time to understand it all.
Even now i will think back to something i thought innocent and realise that it was just another part of the abusive treatment.
What im very clumsily trying to show you is that it is perfectly normal to not recognise this stuff.
don't feel stupid.
But do trust those that have walked the path before you. You are stronger than i was. You left after the first act you recognised as violent. The fact that there were other abusive acts before is something that you wouldn't notice or recognise, they are designed to go unnoticed. that is the point. It is only because others are able to look at it without the emotion clouding our judgment, with the clarity hindsight can give.
If you want to return then that is fine. I will support you all the way. All i ask is that now you have taken this huge step you stay living seperatly until after he has completed the perpetrator courses. He needs time to work through why he does these things and you need to build your self esteem.
Your marriage wasn;t working. You both seem to want it to but it wasn't. spending time BOTH getting counselling and who knows. Maybe you will be able to buck the statistics and be happy ever after. but the only way that will ever happen is if you spend time apart and work on yourselves singularly.
If you are willing to do that then i will support your decision to try and make things work.