Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

another worried lurker Fairy

take great care x

Why is my thread still here when I reported it?

He will say all the lovely things he knows you want to hear, and you will feel hope that we are all wrong on this board and maybe you will return as you want the family together.

It will be good for a bit and then the dust will settle and the same problems will return and your esteem may plummet because you think you are not a good enough wife and if you did a better job it wouldn't be this way.

this is how it will be, this is how it has probably been for many of us here.

take care of yourself and your beautiful DS

In the three months since your son was born, your husband has:

• not allowed you to speak to or see your mum
• told you he's angry because you're not having sex as much
• told you that you're a failure for stopping breastfeeding
• told you not to pick up your crying baby
• physically held you down so you cannot go to your crying baby
• raped you
• smashed a cup against the wall because you forgot he was going out drinking
• punched you while you hold your baby in your arms.

Is this what you want or deserve? He will say anything to get you to go back to him. Then the DV will start again. Maybe slowly at first. Perhaps he's "had a bad day." But it will start again. I have no experience of DV but I've read your thread from beginning to end and it reads like a textbook advert for DV. Please leave and don't go back to him.

A few days ago you were devastated that you had harmed your son already. Your (D)H is clearly a very clever man to make you forget that in the space of one conversation.

My ex grew up with a violent stepfather. Witnessed him tie her to a chair, lock her in cupboards pull hair and nails out. He was damaged for life. Could never trust that someone was being kind without an ulterior motive. Never believed me if I apologised. Believed that when I cried they were manipulative, crocodile tears. He's walked away from his children without a second thought. Please dont give your son the same life sentence.

Or let him grow up in care because his dad's in prison and he only gets to visit his mum's grave.

Fairy - MNHQ have the final say in whether threads are deleted.

I would strongly suggest you add it to your watch list, so it's there when you need it.

Do you know how to clear your internet history?

MNHQ do delete threads if asked. They probably just haven't seen it yet - it is the weekend.

A good litmus test is how you feel when he comes home

a) Comforted and happy that hes back

b) tense and nervous

Fairy I know you want this gone now, but I just wanted to mention that book again - it has a huge section on abusive men changing and the specific conditions which it needs to take place, including signs of whether someone is truly changing or not.

For someone to change when they have behaved like this for so long is extremely rare which is why people have been so negative about it. But if you truly are hanging on to the possibility of him changing you could do a lot worse than read the section of this book. Don't be put off by the title. I was going to type out the appropriate section but it's too long - there is loads of good info in there.

Here's the book - you can order it to a friend's house or work, or once you have your own place, if you think he might be offended.

Good luck for the future x

bertie sorry to hijak, but I have ordered the book and it came today... so far only read the first 2 chapters and surprise suprise it could have been my ex it was written about.

Have read the book accompanying the freeedom programme which is good but not so much depth as this. Please get hold of a copy and give it a read fairy
x

I am really sorry to do this but i just aw this post on another thread and i feel it is something that OP and lurkers need to see. It is a bit emotionally manipulative i guess, and for that i apologise.
But this is the reality and i think that it needs to be known.

here -

maypole1 Sat 12-Mar-11 21:30:22

i am a foster carer and know of one case were children were removed for emotional abuse.

sadly even though mum was offred help the children were witnesing mum being beaten on a daily babsis.

mum refused to leave of get rid of her oh when police took matter in to their own hands mum refused to testify at court as is her right but fell apart

mum did leave after being told she would loose the kids if she didnt get rid but left the refuge after a week and went back.

it all came to a head when the boy stabbed the dinner lady with a folk for his dinner being cold we can all guess were he got that behaviour from so the children were removed and mum is still with the oh

very sad

That is unfair. There is no comparison whatsoever

you are considering returning to a man who beat you whilst holding a baby.

It was domestic violence.

He will not suddenly become a lovely respectful husband overnight.

I am not saying that it is going to happen. But I do think that many women will hear people tell them their children can be removed if they continue to stay with an abusive partner but dn't want to believe it.
It is important that this is proof that it does happen.

Fairy, its a very very chilling comparison, because that is likely to be YOUR future if you stay with this man.

He punched you. While you were holding his child.

There WILL be a next time. :( Please dont let that happen. You and your child deserve better than that.

Fairy, do you know, you sound like a bloody lovely girl. I do truly believe that he is very, very convincing in what he is saying, and I also know that it's so difficult to hear bad things said about someone you love. Fact of the matter is, lovely, he will hurt you, possibly seriously. Every single person on this thread has your absolute very best interests at heart and just want to see you safe and happy. I know you don't want to make any decisions yet, so don't, just give yourself space from him and take your time. This way you won't be hasty in going back to a situation which will get worse. I've lived with a man who was like this. He could be so lovely, so charming towards me. He was also vile, violent and jealous. I didn't know which man I was going to get from one hour to the next.

Do listen to these ladies, take a deep breath and just stay where you are for now. There is no hurry. Don't allow him to hurry you either. I will also advocate the Freedom Programme. I know the lady who started it, and she's amazing in what she's achieved over the years with women who have been in your position.

He punched me once and I left him. How is that putting him before my son?
It will not get to that stage because 1- he loves me and does not enjoy hurting me 2- If I was her I would be out of there long before it got that bad.

Sorry fairy but you ARE in denial if you can see 'no comparison there whatsoever'.

And it's not unfair either. Everyone on this thread is desperately trying to find ways to make you see sense. Because they are worried about you and your son. What IS unfair is that you are having to deal with this situation - it's crap for you. But this situation will not go away until you move on.

As someone said earlier this is not 'you and DH against the world'. You aren't different to other couples where there is DV involved. It's not even as if he punched you once in a fit of anger and that was it, the rest of the time everything was hunky dory. He has displayed a series of abusive behaviours. And whilst you were holding your baby...it's so, so horrible.

Have you told your Mum anything yet?

Oh and one more thing, this is an excellent point made by ballstoit:

"A few days ago you were devastated that you had harmed your son already. Your (D)H is clearly a very clever man to make you forget that in the space of one conversation."

The rest of Ballstoit's post is also worth reading carefully and taking on board.

Can you not see though that it can happen to anyone. It seems ridiculous a leap from one punch to daily beatings, but then it's ridiculous a leap from a loving, caring husband to one who would punch his wife, and you saw how easy it was to miss that.

We don't think you're stupid, or that you might miss it because "Aww poor fairycakes, she just isn't as good as us". We aren't being smug. We are genuinely worried because it is extremely difficult to notice these kinds of patterns escalating, especially when you're in love with someone, especially when they keep justifying their actions to you. It doesn't matter how intelligent you are, how cunning you are, how loving you are or how strong you are, anybody can be tricked into accepting treatment like this. That is the reality of domestic violence.

Fairycakesandsprinkles - I know that this is hard reading, I do understand. It must feel so painful, like you are being dragged into some sort of black hole.

Please please please keep posting. So many people on here are desperately worried about you. You may not understand or feel that, but we are worried about your safety. Please keep letting us know that you are safe. You sound so lovely.

Also, try not to think about him too much. Don't think about what he is feeling or thinking. Concentrate on your lovely son. I really hope all works out well for you.

It will not get to that stage because 1- he loves me and does not enjoy hurting me 2- If I was her I would be out of there long before it got that bad

I fear all our advice is falling on deaf ears (or eyes) now.. :(

I know you are going to get back with him. Its your decision, and I doubt you think you have taken it lightly. All I can say is you are making a huge mistake, you really really are.

Your last post is such a sad thing to read, because that is the place that almost everyone who has been on the receiving end of DV has said, and been proved wrong.

I wish when I was your age I had been lucky enough to have forums like this to talk to people who had been through it, but there wasnt even the internet back then.

Everyone who has posted will be here when you need to post again, but you have no idea how awful it is for us to read your words, knowing that you are going to end up back here at some point soon, because it has happened again.

Very few violent men are going to tell you they hit you because they enjoyed it. And almost everyone says they will get out "before it gets that bad". Well here is your chance to get out. Take it, please.

He punched me once and I left him. How is that putting him before my son?

Leaving him WAS putting your son first, and it was very brave. If you go back, that would be putting him before your son.

he loves me and does not enjoy hurting me

Really fairycakes? How do you know that, because he says so? His actions don't say it, do they?

I'm sorry I know I sound terribly patronising, I just really want to get through to you!

If I was her I would be out of there long before it got that bad.

I'm sure that's what most abused women say, before their self-esteem gets worn down more and more, before their OH puts more and more distance between them and their support circles, and before they become more and more under their abuser's control.

I know you probably want nothing more than for your relationship to be how it was at the start. But it will never be like that again. And actually in the grand scheme of things, you haven't been with him for very long. How long was it before any of the controlling behaviours started?

It might help you to reread some of your own earlier posts, to remind you of how you have felt at different times. I believe that now you are feeling lonely, sad, and lost. This means you are more vulnerable, and the anger has dissipated somewhat. Anger is a much more useful emotion than sadness.

I have not ?forgotten? what happened but I feel like I need to be supporting him with this not giving up on him so soon.

No my mum doesn?t know what happened. She knows we are living apart but doesn?t know why.

I would just like to echo as well how lovely you sound. I know you probably feel that you are being attacked on here - it's not because people think you are stupid or weak, it's because people are worried about you.

I suspect that you have very low self-esteem, and that is something you should work on. It will help you in the long term - to be more assertive in general, and to help you realise that you are worth SO much more than how your DH has treated you. You really do. Perhaps you should make a list of the things you like about yourself. If at first, the list isn't very long, try again. Think really hard about it. I bet you would never hurt anyone would you? You are a very loving mum aren't you? You know how to love deeply and unconditionally, don't you? I'm sure if you really think about it you can come up with a list of all of your good points. Then look at it again and ask yourself - if I was in a relationship with this person, how would I treat them? Would I punch/control/bully them? Or would I surround them with the love and affection they deserve?

Again I think that is classic to abusive relationships - the desire to help the abuser - he needs you, he can get better with your help etc. It's textbook stuff.

If anyone needs and deserves support right now it's you fairycakes. Please tell your Mum?

I think you must be in so much shock and in so much emotional pain, it must be dreadful. Please may I suggest that you let his problems be his problems, just for a small time, like a week. Spend some time away from all this pain mentally focusing on your lovely boy and give yourself a bit of breathing room. Please also keep posting, we are all worried.

Have a completely unconditional and unmumsnet hug from me (hope it doesn't get me kicked off the boards).

I know that if your mum found out she would go crackers and like go after him with a cleaver - that is normal for a mum.