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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

515 replies

fairycakesandsprinkles · 06/03/2011 21:50

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms Sad
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

OP posts:
dittany · 12/03/2011 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 12/03/2011 11:45

I'm just concerned in case there is someone I know on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 12/03/2011 11:49

I also don't want him seeing it or someone showing him because then I'm really fucked

OP posts:
dittany · 12/03/2011 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nbyet · 12/03/2011 11:52

"I also don't want him seeing it or someone showing him because then I'm really fucked"

Sad that says it all really love.

waterrat · 12/03/2011 11:54

If you are worried, get it deleted. but maybe print it out for yourself? Everyone here cares about what happens to you fairy - if you are going to take this man back, write down a list of what you want to change so that you can refer to it when you feel he is being controlling and it will remind you what your boundaries are.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 12/03/2011 12:00

I don't mean that as in he will hurt me or anything, just won't be happy I have told people a lot of very personal things which should probably be just between me and him.
And I'm not ungrateful for all the advice, I am saving it all before it's deleted so I can still read it
thanks

OP posts:
nbyet · 12/03/2011 12:04

I understand your concern fairycakes, and I understand why you want to delete the thread. But I think he lost the right to keep these things between the two of you. He has done far worse himself.

Will you keep us updated though please? Perhaps start another thread without identifying details?

Be safe and be kind to yourself.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 12/03/2011 12:06

Thanks everyone for worrying about me but really I can take care of myself. I'll be fine Smile
Have reported the thread now

OP posts:
dittany · 12/03/2011 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 12/03/2011 12:37

I enjoy being around him. 99% of the time we get along great, he's protective of me, he is a very passionate person, he's ambitious, attractive and despite what you think you know he is amazing with DS.

So amazing with him that when the baby was crying he wouldnt let you go to the baby because he was more interested in his own sexual needs?

I know I asked for advice on a public forum but I am honestly flabbergasted at how everybody has the same opinion.

Sadly because most of us have been in, and lived to survive an abusive relationship and can see the warning signs.

Is it not possible for him to have made a mistake (bloody huge one I know but that's all it is) and to actually love his wife and son?

Not this many mistakes no. You are mistaking his behaviour, it isnt love, it is control.

He must have felt something for me to have married me right?

Ownership.

dizietsma · 12/03/2011 12:54

Well, I wish you luck Fairycakes.

Please stay safe, and watch for evidence of the cycle of abuse. You will see it happen over again, I'm sad to say. The thing about abusers is that they follow very stereotypical behavioural patterns. So watch as the reconciliation, honeymoon, tensions building, new incident pattern plays out again, see it for what it really is.

As a child of a DV family, I hope you will listen to me when I tell you that keeping the family together at all costs is not always the best option, and that in the case of DV it actually actively harms the family. Don't hide behind "staying together for the sake of my son" because staying in an abusive situation will actually harm him.

tribpot · 12/03/2011 13:11

Best of luck, fairy. I hope you and ds are safe and happy.

If you need to come back here for whatever reason, please do - we're all wishing you the best.

Longtalljosie · 12/03/2011 14:17

Oh dear.

Becaroooo · 12/03/2011 14:24

sigh.......

duchesse · 12/03/2011 14:28

We'll still be here if you need us in the future, fairy.

Mouseface · 12/03/2011 14:32

Take care Fairy xx

bonkers20 · 12/03/2011 14:47

You are not a fool, of course you're not.
Please DO NOT go back to this man. He punched you with your baby son in your arms!!!

You also say the violence had been escalating ie it wasn't a one of momentary loss of control.

Marriage is hard enough as it is. You'll forever be anxious that it will happen again (chances are that it will unfortunately). You and your son deserves better.

I agree with the others who have advised you to give yourself some distance.

Hugs.

wannabesybil · 12/03/2011 16:26

Worried lurker here.

Please let us know that you are safe after meeting him.

I truly hope all works out for you, you sound such a lovely lady. Your baby is lucky to have you.

LadyBiscuit · 12/03/2011 17:53

I know this thread has been really hard for you to read Fairy and I have huge admiration for you for sticking with what must feel like a wall of people, all saying the same thing.

I know you don't want to hear it but I hope you have held onto some of what we've said. You said that you wanted your son to live with two parents. That's something most of us want. But from your son's perspective, the most important thing is to grow up without fear and knowing that his needs are prioritised.

Please keep in touch if this thread does get deleted. There are a lot of people here who care about you

mathanxiety · 12/03/2011 18:00

Wondering what exactly you mean by some things being between just you and him...

People are going to challenge you on this matter and they will say things you may not want to hear. Please don't be stubborn. Listen to the voices of experience. Please don't close doors or burn bridges because you don't really believe the pessimism of people who have trodden this road before you.

Why are you flabbergasted that the same opinion has been repeated over and over here?

Please don't be tempted to think that you can heal this man in any way. Keep your distance.

You have far too much confidence in your ability to take this man on. I for one am worried as much about that as I am worried about anything he could do. It will result in you putting yourself in danger.

Please try to shake off the malignant optimism that could draw you back into his orbit again. If you can't do it for your own sake, then think of the baby. You can't cure this man.

xxx

TheVisitor · 12/03/2011 18:36

I just want to add something at the end of this.

You go back to him and the violence continues and escalates

Police are called again and again.

A neighbour hears yours and your child's screams and contacts social services.

Child ends up classed as "At Risk" by social services.

Possibility of child being removed from Abusive father and worn down mother.

This can and does happen. Your child will also be extremely traumatised. You are so young and have so much to offer a man who will treat you with the respect you deserve. I wish you safety, health and happiness rather than fists.

Longtalljosie · 12/03/2011 19:02

Yes, TheVisitor, I thought this but couldn't find the words. The thing is, I'm sure in all other respects the OP is a lovely mum, but the thing is fairy, your son has to come first, and the fact that this man is his father is utterly cancelled out by the fact that he is not only violent, but violent in his presence.

I hope this thread is not deleted, because I think in a few weeks time, she will need it. She's trying to go back into denial and the removal of this thread will only facilitate that...

glastocat · 12/03/2011 19:09

What a terribly sad thread. To the op, don't you think you deserve better than a man who punched you in the face while you were holding your baby? I mean, WTF?!

mathanxiety · 12/03/2011 19:32

It is not you and him against the world, reflecting on your comment.

Do not 'protect the family secret'. You do not owe him any protection. You are not to blame for what he did and you owe him no protection.

A - Z of domestic violence here

'Some Very Basic Truths'
-- 'A man?s abuse of his intimate partner has everything to do with the kind of parent he is and none of it is good.'
-- 'Abusive men do not snap, they are in total control of what they choose to do and why.'

Please reflect on all of this.