Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.3

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Oh Elsie I agree the bags are symbolic , for ages my dc just had carrier bags because I wouldnt even formalise it iyswim but in the end I felt sorry for them carting a series of scruffy bags about .

It sounds like you have a set back but as your wise friend told you ages ago you have to go through it not round it and this is another twist on the rollercoaster as you said on the other thread.

How do you mean third party ? Like you drop ds at your dds or something and he collects and drops there ? He probably wont do that because hes embarrassed ? Cant see why he would object otherwise. However cold he was I am sure that was just bravado.

Did he say ok to the house idea ?

Sending you a big hug Elsie you will back on form soon just hang in there

Thank you or the hug, Getting. Still looking for a manly hug though. Are your arms very hairy? Happy birthday to your dd.

He won't agree to the third party drop off because it's his last bit of control, I think. I went out with friends last night but XP refused to drop ds off at my dd's flat. He doesn't have to see her. It's a ground floor apartment with French windows so dd opens them when she sees ds. XP can see that ds is safely inside without getting out of the car. XP took ds to football training and I had to leave the pub at 8.30pm to collect ds and drop him off at dd's then didn't get back to the pub until 9.30pm. I wasn't asking him to babysit and he was quite happy for dd to babysit for him when he was seeing OW. Hypocrite. I tried not to let it spoil my evening but it did because I was seething inside. Even worse, he tried to insist that he dropped ds off at home and that there was no need for me to collect him. When I told him I would collect ds he said, I suppose I can't stop you can I? Too fucking right! He's my son and XP still hasn't bothered to apply for PR. But he would have been deliberately late just to curtail my evening even more. It's so petty.

I'm going to try to change my shifts at work so that XP collects ds from school on a Friday and returns him on a Sunday so that I don't spend all day Saturday waiting for him to collect him. It's unbearable.

As usual, he just ignored the request about the house. It's just a case of agreeing a figure and getting a solicitor to transfer the deeds. There's no point going to a solicitor until we've agreed a figure but he won't discuss it.

I know this is just one bad day and most days are ok but I could scream. Maybe I should. Hope everyone else is having a better day

Big hugs elsie,my X just switches off if i show any emotion whatsoever .Just heartbreaking so I had to learn never to show any emotion around him.Bloody hard ,but in the end he hurt me so much by being a selfish bastard and opting out I had to accept whatever he was before to me ,those days are gone.

x post et x

Thanks Patience. You give me so much hope now that you're in such a good place having been so low just a few months ago

Elsie massive ((hugs)) to you as well. Have a scream - you may feel better for it He's being a prize twunt, that's for sure.

Just changed all my clocks now, as I was worried I'd forget later.

Off to make a sausage sandwich and watch some tv.

Elsie all i know is there are no shortcuts.Dont avoid the pain ,it takes longer to heal curl up and cry when that pain in your stomach makes you think u will never find happiness again just remember THIS TOO WILL PASS.
When the crying stops eat chocolate croissants .I was attached to X for along long time ,i didnt want to let go but in the end he was so bloody selfish ,he saw how his lies were affecting me and he carried on regardless.
Truth is none of these blokes made the grade as DH/DPs or fathers.My X will always have an excuse for everything .I think what happens though Elsie is the longer it goes on the more you see them for who they are and you disconnect.That is the change u see in me ,i know i will never be with him again ,that has moved me on.
We can only do what we can do ,sometimes we shout ,sometimes we cry ,sometimes we are overtaken by our emotions .There are no right or wrongs ,we have better days and lapses but we continue to build in our emotional strength ,we develop our weaknesses ,we have to now ,we cant hide behind anyone else.Thing is I am miles ahead of X emotionally and that makes any meetings conversations easier for me .Every book i read i understand it a little better.
Keep walking the dog ,enjoy the good days and b4 u know it u lose the anger/resentment ,you just accept life changes and you get on with it .You cant keep a good woman down for long !

Just catching up with thread as had college all day.

Getting so glad you got to see dd & I too felt emotional reading that post . Really glad you got it sorted & think wobbles like you've had are only part of the course.

ET, like others have said this is just another bump in the road, hang in there & with time it will all get so much easier. It sounds like xp is punishing you atm for what's happened in his life. I think this is pretty typical of men that are caught out & who don't take responsibility for their own actions or the consequences ((Hugs))

Mumfun, enjoy the party. Glad you're dc's are giving you such enjoyment atm & hope you have a lovely time with your cousins

Patience, you've morphed into a wise ol' owl

Well xh is back being reasonable again tg. I think he knows that I have been more then reasonable & that he's the only one that'll suffer if he goes off in a strop about stuff. Anyway, onwards & upwards, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Tea, thanks for the reminder!!

LOL ,was at a kids party today at a soft play and i sat drinking tea reading the homecoming .

Hi guys

Lovely party, just going to bed.

The shock news is that BE threw DS out this morning and told me that he would be back here at 10 tonight. All done on the day of the only party I have ever had just presumably to cause trouble. Why else would he choose this day?

So now DS is here.

I have a dumpling snoring in my bedroom.

Morning

Happy I am glad the party was a success in spite of BEs attempt at sabotage, I hope you dont mind but I laughed when I read that what a prat. Hope there are no sore heads this morning.

Elsie hope you are a bit brighter today

Starting I am pleased to hear xh is back under control again

Patience have you got some free time this afternoon ?

Well DD came back with a bunch of friends to watch a film and it ended up qiute wild with my techno music on full blast and them dancing away ! When they left she was so excited thanking me apparently it was the best ever ! I am glad she could take advantage of being here one last time where we dont have to worry about neighbours , I will miss the freedomn to make noise !!

She and her 2 bfs are sound asleep and I have laid out pressies etc so now I can MN until they surface later on and reminisce about this time 12 yrs ago..I remember being thrilled at having a baby girl

Getting, so glad dd enjoyed her evening.

Happy, wow! Glad the party went well. So is ds back permanently? Or is it a play it by ear situation?

I couldn't come back to the thread last night as I had to go to work. Still feeling really down and even had a weep at work which I haven't done since last December. Thank you for all the support and advice which I read this morning. Had to smile when I read your chocolate croissant suggestion, Patience as I had one in my hand as I read your post. I feel so hollow and wounded inside. Not long ago I was relishing my freedom and enjoying being on my own and now I can't remember what that feels like or even believe I'd got to that point. Every bone in my body is aching for him to come back and make this horrible pain go away.

This too shall pass. Fairly soon I hope.

Elsie its awful when we feel like that and its easy to forget you are further back on the road to recovery because you are mostly so upbeat. When I was only a few months in I felt like you do an awful lot more.

The thing is you know him coming back wouldnt make the pain go away in fact it would probably worsen it.

Just try and go with it and know you will be relishing your freedomn again in due course and then after that feel as you do now again but gradually these times will be less frequent and last less time

Its so frustrating that really it only seems to be the passage of time that truly heals us

Big unhairy (sorry) hugs to you

Glad the evening was fun with DD Getting

Sorry to hear you're feeling down Elsie, try to do something pampersome today.

Sadly I think it's the end of the road with DS and XH. I don't think he's there to fall back on anymore at all. Hard to explain but even a few of my friends who aren't the sort of people to ever be nasty were pretty shocked that BE would sink as low as throwing DS out when I had 40 people due later the same day. DS really hates BE also I think and given that BE lives so far away I just can't see there being any real contact between them for a long time. Today I need to start to focus on where on earth that leaves me dealing with him single handed. It's a frightening thought. Feeling scared about keeping all of the balls in the air. On a positive note, as DS arrived mid party a lot more of my local friends will now be more aware of the reality of the situation and of BE's help or lack of. A number of them were clearly talking about it last night given the glances I was getting. One way or another that means some help I think - I've hidden a lot for a long time and maybe it's good if it's a bit more out in the open now. A bit tearful now but actually a bit of a relief to cry.

God Happy I am so sorry , is there any chance that ds will be more amenable now having realised he doesnt want to live with his Dad and perhaps be more appreciative of all you have done for him ?

Yes yes yes to it being good its out in the open because you know the more support you can muster , emotional or practical, the better. I have leant so heavily on my RL friends throughout all this and its amazing what avenues of help can appear when you ask.

Happy small nag alert. As today is a day for focusing ds issues can you also face steeling yourself to getting on with your divorce ? I wonder if you would have more emotional reserves to draw on re ds if there wasnt the constant leak of what you are going to do about BE in the background ? What is it that is stopping you doing it do you think ? You were saying at our dumpling meet up last September that you needed to get on and divorce...

I think its time to sort this as a top priority either pay him his money or committ to fighting him but dont keep yourself in limbo any more

Sending you big hugs too

God Happy I am so sorry , is there any chance that ds will be more amenable now having realised he doesnt want to live with his Dad and perhaps be more appreciative of all you have done for him ?

Yes yes yes to it being good its out in the open because you know the more support you can muster , emotional or practical, the better. I have leant so heavily on my RL friends throughout all this and its amazing what avenues of help can appear when you ask.

Happy small nag alert. As today is a day for focusing ds issues can you also face steeling yourself to getting on with your divorce ? I wonder if you would have more emotional reserves to draw on re ds if there wasnt the constant leak of what you are going to do about BE in the background ? What is it that is stopping you doing it do you think ? You were saying at our dumpling meet up last September that you needed to get on and divorce...

I think its time to sort this as a top priority either pay him his money or committ to fighting him but dont keep yourself in limbo any more

Sending you big hugs too

MIL just rang to wish DD Happy Birthday she is still asleep.

I havent spoken to her in 13 months . In the space of the 2 minutes she was talking to me all I could think was Thanks for not contacting me in any way shape or form since I told you your precious ds wasnt moving back home. I did manage to be polite rather than terse though and I do know she is a lovely person which is why I dont really get her total detachment.

Yeah I think DS will try to be amenable. He's not remotely a bad boy IMO just a teen with an awful lot of problems. But unfortunately the problems make him difficult (hard to explain). TBH if I can find some strength I will find a way. At this moment though I just don't feel like I have a lot. Today I need to get my head together, start thinking about rules and boundaries and start some tough love. It's just exhausting though. And tomorrow I need to contact various organizations for some help. And yes I will get on with the divorce, what stops me Getting is just completing the paperwork - I asked a friend to help me last week and once I have all of the DS stuff organized I will get on with it. BE will have received solicitors letter re progressing things also probably this week which will spur me on. Generally, also I have an intensely strong sense of justice and am still flabbergasted at the amount of money that I will have to pay him (yes I have taken advice btw) and how that will leave him with a very luxurious lifestyle and me with two kids in a small property with a large mortgage.

What a greedy bastard happy .glad u had a great party
Getting glad u had a great party too x

Elsie this is full blown grief now ,I had a proper up and down 6 weeks in Jan.It is bloody sad Your man left and he s not coming back.I think for me when the anger left my body it left room for big big pain ,it was pure pain.no denial ,no hope.The truth that they are selfish bastards and did what they did.THIS TOO WILL PASS just keep on keepin on.
nourish urself ,spoil urself and keep walking the dog x

Happy, glad the party was good, wish I could have come.

Am speechless and gutted at the aresholery of BE. What an absolute disgrace he is. I'm so sorry, glad more people are aware now but you must feel quite alone with it all.

I would quickly do as much research as you can eg how much it would cost you in the worst senario eg for private councelling for him, short term private residential care for him, private councelling for you, for DC 2 etc etc. Not that any of that will be needed but some of it might be in the future and what with all the cuts coming thick and fast I think you need to FIGHT YOUR HARDEST to

keep as much of your money as poss for the future of DS1 and the comfort and wellbeing of you all . I know you've had legal advice but that was before last night happened. This changes everything.

This financial settlement is hugely important and can't usually be reversed so you've got to get it as right as you can, ( I viewed it as a full time job as it took hours every day of forensically looking through his bank statements etc etc) and I hope BEs twuntery has spurred you on to fight for what you feel you deserve. It's going to take lots of energy and hours of time unpleasantly but productively spent so eat well to maximise your brain power and alertness and resolve to give that shamefull excuse of a man as little as possible and may he hold his head in shame for abandoning ship AND trying to strip you of as much dosh as his greedy little hands can grab.

Happy, can't believe BE is chasing you for money. Well, I can actually. Bastard. I hope you have a peaceful day with ds. Best not to think beyond a couple of days when you feel overwhelmed. Then when you feel stronger go for him it.

But who am I to be dishing out advice when I'm just a quivering heap myself? Starting to feel a bit stronger now though.

Just quickly Good advice from Elsie

Had lovely party. Lovely MM.Lovely spots ladies. Top Happy dancer

I really have stuggled with the kids going away thing. I was distraught at the beginning.Friends told me it was a loss upon loss -and it happened again and again - thats what it means. It is really really hard - it only hits me now when there is other stuff going on. (hugs)

Hi to everyone. Catch up middle this week

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