Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.3

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Hi everyone. Been reading but feeling quiet tonight. Just wanted to give everyone a hug. Love your comment about the final sand running through the egg timer Patience. I feel like that too.

Spook has posted on the ditched thread and could definitely do with some advice from you lovelies.

Off to bed in the hope tonight is a better night here. Treated myself to a few bits today in Primark as their Summer stuff is in and a pair of flip flops for £5 in M&S which are hot pink and sparkly. Cannot really justify any of it and now quietly panicking at my bank balance but still

Patience, sorry I wasn't around for some tunes. I had to stay disciplined to get my college work done for tomorrow!

Getting, hope you had a lovely night out.

Happy, hope you have great fun at the party

Goo, you sound v down, sending you big virtual ((Hugs)). This too shall pass

Well got a text from xh tonight saying he had wrote to Judge who dealt with our separation agreement to tell him he now wanted nothing from me . Was just about to reply "thanks that's great" but decided I'd better not engage with madness

X post Tea, sorry am off to bed too as I'm wrecked but just quickly wanted to say please don't feel guilty, you deserve it . Primark are fab

Oh me too T took kids for a happy meal and my rent is due .

Hope ur ok googs. Nite everyone x

Hope everyone better in the light of day this morning.

Kids being very funny and cute at the moment. Off with their dad this wkend.

I might be going to a fun party tonight ;)

Then seeing some lovely cousins I havent seen for a long time tomorrow.

Lovely news as a friend phoned this am who has been going through hell, hasnt had holiday for ten years just on her way to a weekend away at the seaside and very excited. So glad for her!

Havent sorted out Easter hols at all and what we are doing - need to wait and see when op and interview are. Hoping a couple of Scottish friends might visit!

Better go - food shopping and ironing on for today!

Have lovely as poss days everyone and hugs to those down a bit at the mo!

Morning everyone

No Patience she isnt over developed in the emotions dept. Was in on our thread someone linked the Psychology Today article ? It talks about 2 types of infidelity , one which is accidental and the other romantic infidelity. XH falls into the latter very scarily and the writer says the person they fall for will often be "grossly inappropriate" and "damsels in distress people without a life but with lots of problems,people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better " . Just remembered I think it was a link from WWIFN elsewhere.

Hope you are feeling a bit better Goo

Well I am a bit low. Last night getting the dc ready for their weekend with xh I ended up having a row with dd. All normal dc stuff ie me telling her to get on with what she needed to do to be ready on time and her not doing it and hey presto xh arrives and she is nowhere near ready asking me to help her find a top she must wear. I started off ok but as we couldnt find said top I began to get irrationally angry and ended up chucking a T shirt at her . She got really upset in tears and I suddenly thought wtf are you doing gettingeasier you know she is still upset by recent events and probably bottom line doesnt want to go there this weekend and here you are bawling her out for running late .

To make matters worse after the door has slammed shut , no goodbyes, I am siiting fighting back tears and the doorbell rings and xh and ds are standing there wanting to talk to me. I am very short and frosty and hating xh seeing me looking upset and he says "Is this my fault ?" as in why take it out on me its not my fault and walks off to the car. So I text and say yes it is your fault that every other weekend I have to nag them to pack a case and its shit and you havent got a clue.

Just so pissed off with myself that I handled it all so badly and I texted dd saying sorry and I knew she would have a lovely birthday weekend but got no reply.

I know lots of you might be reading and thinking well lucky her having every other weekend free and great for the dc too. Its true but I hate having to go on and on are you ready etc when I am thinking poor dc why should they constantly be having to do this. They should just be chilling out wondering whats for tea and what their mates are doing not planning their weekend wardrobe. Even now I hate this part , hate their cases and hate xh sitting outside waiting for them to go and "stay" with him it wasnt how this was meant to turn out.

So sorry to go on but its dds birthday party today and I really want her to have a special time and a normal birthday instead of one chopped about and divided up between us

The only positive is that this time last year I was a complete mess and spent a lot of her birthday either crying secretky or trying hard not to so I guess I have come a long way.

Will pull myself together now , feel better for typing it all out

Happy and any dumplings going have a great time tonight

Aw Getting I totally get it about the kids. Makes me so cross too that they shouldnt have to go off elsewhere. Its good the Hs are interested but........there is a downside. Also when Hs mother dies he'll be a lot less interested as she does all the domestics and he just plays and doesnt have to do the boring stuff.

Sorry youve had upset and words - it will get sorted!

Must shop, must go!

Getting I've got Ds tidying his room while dd is at ballet cos he mouthed off a take it easy comment this morning.I am late most mornings due to last minute lego or car choices.
Only suggestion I can make is they pack their bag the night b4.
Is this routine going to change ,no,this is their new life.so god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can,and the wisdom to know the difference.Good thing is u recognise ur blaming X for this situation and resenting him for still putting u in this situation,but as u say this is much less than last year.U will lose this altogether I'm sure because u want to move on.Just chill and make not being late a huge priority in ur life,really the only thing that stresses me now is being late.

"I know lots of you might be reading and thinking well lucky her having every other weekend free and great for the dc too." I would never think that getting It must be very hard to do that every other weekend and especially when it's her birthday after many years of you all being together on her big day. It all makes complete sense to me why you ended up getting fed up and then the awful guilt afterwards. You're a good mum and you said sorry to her by text. More than my parents ever did and I cannot blame you for texting ExH at all. Many ((hugs)) being sent to you from me lovely x

Getting, every word you wrote resonates here. DS is going to stay with XP this weekend but I'm sitting in front of the fire. No bag packed yet. I just can't do it. They can do it together when XP comes.

I'm not looking forward to teh whole sending/letting them go off for the weekend thing. I was kind of looking forward to having every other weekend free - if only to look at the positives of them going away for a couple of nights a week. Now I'm not.

Especially cos it will more than likely end up involving OW and her family which at the moment as some of you know from other thread is causing me a great deal of .

I am also not looking forward to birthdays. All my DDs birthdays are in teh next month so I have to deal with them sooner rather than later too

Getting I would hand the responsibility over to the kids to be ready on time ,just be aware this is a high risk situation 4 u just now ,emotionally its easy to become upset over this ,birthday ,seperation etc. I always think when I give something red flag status I can start to take back some control.

Thanks ladies. Yes I have been thinking of solutions and it isnt being the late as such but also that he is hanging around outside waiting , I now need to man up and deal with this its just an emotional habit I have got into . Also while I am manning up to man up bags packed the night before would be good

Elsie despite my woes this morning it does get easier honest and if I had my time again I would consider that but too much time has gone by with the current set up.

I think when xh moves into his new house I will suggest he thinks about kitting them out with clothes etc that stay there all the time because looking ahead I think I am always going to feel shit watching my dc pack to stay with their own dad.

Spook I wish I could say dont worry but for me birthdays were the worst in year one and the only one I enjoyed was my own funnily enough. Take heart from me though like I said I am ok now and if it hadnt been for dd stuff I would be almost just looking forward to tomorrow like normal.

Off into town to do some guilt easing shopping for tomorrow

Thanks again for responding and supporting me x

Thats the thing Patience I have handed it to them to be ready , pack themselves etc which is why dd is never ready !!!

Lol getting ,well night b4 sounds good to me .can u just opt out if she is running late,what's the worst thing that can happen if X sits in the car for an hour waiting for her.

getting, loved your first paragraph, trouble in paradise ? Good, bring it on.

As for the rest, WTF....him coming to the door and saying "is this my fault ?" Yes it fucking is, now jog on, is what I'd have said.

I know my DC are a bit older and don't see their dad much as they'd rather see their friends, relax, etc but my rule from day 1 was that he waits in car down the road and not outside MY house. I did'nt want him being anywhere near me. Also all contact was/is made between him and the DC, so he phones them to say he's outside (down the road) and if they're late for whatever reason, which they usually are as they can't really be arsed, then he has to hurry them up on the phone and it's nothing to do with me. I love the fact that they are dawdling around the house as they have no sence of urgency while he's waiting outside probably annoyed. Mine don't stay at his and never would do so they don't have bags to pack but it would still be the same if they did.

I think your DC are old enough to do that as well. It's between him and them and if he has to wait 20 mins outside while your DD is faffing about looking for her top or whatever then tough shit, that's life and he can bloody wait.
You don't need the stress.

I also don't think that they should go there if they don't want to. I know you can plan stuff for you on your DC free weekends but they're just about old enough to start being left on their own in the house, maybe with a friend for a couple of hours at a time.

I think it's one thing spending time with your dad at weekends but having to spend it with his gf as well must sometimes be a real drag/bore.

x posted with Patience

Hello Pink

The arrangement with him collecting the dcs from the house began from day one of him leaving. At that time I was in bits they were going away and in bits because the man I loved was out in the street the other side of my front door. So I used to have them ready, wherever possible , 5 mins early so they shot out the door as his car pulled up to minimise my exposure to all this. That is what I was talking about earlier when I said its an emotional habit to stress at pick up time but actually it doesnt apply anymore and I am being silly getting worked up because he is waiting outside.

From now on I will give a couple of reminders about getting ready but you are both so right what does it matter if he has to wait for a bit and to be fair I doubt he would complain either.

I seem to be on a steep learning curve these past 2 weeks

Anyway I am all happy again saw dd in town to get a 15 DVD out for her and she gave me a big cuddle and we are friends again

Pink/getting I think its the healthy selfish thing .He created the situation he can deal with it.just be aware that this can trigger you Getting and take steps to make it a less stressful time,serenity rules on these weekends.Look after number one !!!!

X post getting ,ur post made me cry ,i do like a happy ending,ur fab !

aww Patience me same -DD cuddles are so precious!

I think the theory is the relationship should be between DCs and X only without you enabling/involved. Therefore you shouldnt be involved with the packing at all and should distance from it totally.

of course understand where it started from but it can be changed.

I do like the idea of X waiting while a teen DD gets clothes sorted. (fun memories of a friend taking hours to decide what to wear wwhen we went out!:))

Also if I was a teen I would not be wanting to spend all weekend with the X GF. Yuck! Agree Pink! As dont have teens dont knwo when the change over point is that they do their own thing - but the time will come soon and it will be totally up to them where they spend their weekend.

I know and I am so grateful xh will ultimately be living close to the town centre like me so dd will be able to easily conduct her social life whilst staying at his.

Anyway are Elsie and I the only dumplings with this packing bags thing ? It seems all the other dumpling dc are too old or too young to have this set up ?

Mum said to me a while back how at the time she used to resent my fathers total non involvement in our upbringing ( 2 weeks every summer that was it)but now seeing/hearing my trials and tribulations she is so glad it was the way it was.

That statement stuck with me and strengthened my resolve to keep regular amicable contact with xh because Mum has no idea how destructive that was to my brother and I .

Happy how are preparations going ? So wish I was coming I bet you are up all night and tell us is MM going to be there? [nosey emoticon]

Getting, there must be something in the water. I've just had a major collapse about XP picking ds up. I just can't deal with it. No bag was packed and XP was huffing and puffing but instead of getting angry about his attitude I just burst into floods of tears and sobbed uncontrollably. He was so cold and just said, I haven't got time for this. I was begging him to leave ds here . I've cried myself to sleep since they left and for the first time in ages woke up forgetting that he left us and crashed again. Packing the bag is so symbolic. If ds goes to stay with my dd I don't mind packing a bag but for XP it's very different. It's just so sad that XP is now a crap weekend dad, living on his own in a crap rented flat.
I need to arrange a 3rd party pick up for my own sanity but XP refuses. If I instigated it then he would simply not cooperate and leave ds there. He would have been so good in the Gestapo. What on earth have I done to warrant being treated like this?
Our most effective communications are via text and I've text him to say that as I can't divorce him I need to buy the house from him, that it is symbolic as well as practical and will help me move on. He still has stuff in the garage and loft and I want that gone too. I need to take back some control. This is so hard.