Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

I love the suggestions about giving him as little information as possible.

I always like to know what someone is thinking. A certain person in my life always gives short answers to questions, never asks me any, and gives nothing away. It is frustrating - go for it.

Have decided on family mediation...........

The twat is going from bad to worse.....no matter how much I try and disengage from him, he seems to draw me back in to his madness (and, yes, i can guess that I am probably letting him do so on some emotional level.....)....

On Monday evening, I was warned off attempting to rip up or throw out a (quite nice actually) beanbag that he had bought DS for his house and that DS liked so much, he had refused to leave it there and bought it round to my house. Because I simply said, 'oh, but you will take it back?', he seriously thought I would deliberately damage something belonging to our son.....needless to say, I was madly upset about this and it got me thinking about what sort of nonsense he and OW are concoting in their heads (way back in early Jan a week or so after he came back from his NYE trip, we had been arguing as I had caught him chatting to her in the house in the evening in his office....because I dared to get a bit irate, she said that she would call the police here - all the way from the US - if ex didn't call to check in with her every 15 mins whilst we finished off our discussions...... Needless to say, told him to tell her where to shove that idea....). Anyway, back to Monday....lots of texts and irate calls later where we dragged up old stuff, I pulled it all to a head and said that I only wanted to talk about our son - he agreed. So Tuesday was a good day with minimal interaction and ditto Wednesday....up until 5pm when he sent me an email about access to DS, replying to an email I had sent him on the 23rd March, so a whole week ago...In this email he demands to know what time he can speak to DS on the nights he doesnt get to see him (I had dared to be out at 6.30pm on the Tuesday evening when I had DS as was showing a friend some baby massage techniques for her newborn.....). He questions my issue about trusting him (?!!!) and advises me to decouple what is best for me and what is best for DS. A choice line is that 'although he has agreed not to introduce them on this occassion, this is something that I will have to get my head around, sooner rather than later and that this embargo during this visit is not for DS' benefit, but for my benefit.'....He then goes on to play amateur child psychologist and tells me that as DS is 2.5, he will see this person as just any other nice woman in his life......and so he goes on and on....I really, really cant stand the man and his bullying behaviour anymore. And why the hell did he have to send me that email on the eve of her visit - OW is arriving today for 2.5 weeks holiday including visit to meet his parents???!! Is it just to be cruel or some sort of male macho posturing and displays of fighting for his and OWs corner? I just dont get it....and he doesn't either as apparently he cant see that what he wrote was antagonistic or hurtful in anyway...He really wants me to - or wants to force things to go at his pace and I am not allowed to show any resistance or emotion (if I do, I am either over-reacting, or thinking about myself and not DS.....). I have internalised so, so much....only really clicked on this after counselling session last night. The most I have done to vent, is argue with him (pointless) and rip up a couple of photos of us in the week he got back from his NYE US holiday (and it was only around 3 pics, but that was the basis for him accusing me of having the potential to destroy DS' beanbag....).

Reading other threads, could it be that he actually likes all this drama, despite telling me otherwise? Is he pissed off with the fact that I now have a job, seem to be getting on okay with it as well as looking at DS and his nose is out of joint a bit?? I know I shouldnt really care though and should just leave him to his foolish nonsense and life.....

He has asked this morning if he can collect DS from nursery tomorrow (not his bloody day!) as he wont be seeing him now until Sat morning for swimming class....have told him that I will come with and sit on the sidelines, but will take my own car to which he said, it seems silly to do that. I misheard and thought he was saying I was being silly to which he said, stop personalising everything.........

Help.......

X

waterrat - yes, will continue with the counselling for now I think....yesterday's session was quite good....

ohlaalaa - yes, it can be annoying when people do that..thats what I have been doing in terms of what DS and I get up to when we have our time together (I never ask him what he is up to when he takes DS out, though can generally guess as its usually only ever the park, his house or a local soft play centre).....

Dee - this all sounds really upsetting - I know it's so hard but you have to detach more - you are not going to get the response you want - ie. him acknowledging that his behaviour is hurtful - so, even when he really hurts and upsets you there is no point explaining that to him. Get your stock responses ready and just churn them out - when you want to have a rant, call a friend or come on here - or speak to the counsellor. I think in a long relationship we get used to turning to our partner for comfort, in the most basic sense, they are supplying our sense of self and you are still expecting him, on a very basic level, to make things okay by responding in the way you want.

You are not going to get what you need from him anymore - if you can, try to see his behaviour as laughable - tearing up a beanbag? the man is mad. I know it's not an easy thing to do but just think of them as pathetic, if they want to concoct nonsense ideas, to appease his guilt, then so be it. Dont be a part of it, don't be part of the drama. She sounds like a stupid cow - she clearly does love drama or she would fuck right off with asking him to text every 15 minutes etc....

so dont get drawn into it - comments like 'ds will see her as another nice woman' - look, the guy is burying deep, deep guilt about leaving you, making his child's life harder, he knows, honestly he knows he's a twat, but he has to self justify.....so please dont take comments like that as rational. you are fighting comments like those - they are just gibberish, let him believe that if he wants, do not fight it.

This too will pass, as they say - you have to focus on YOU and your journey to recovery not him and his wild, flailing attempts to justify his appalling behaviour.

Forgot to say, bearing in mind another thread on access and possible confusion...I am aware that there will be a meeting between DS and the OW, to expect otherwise is unrealistic (if anything, I probably spend too much time mulling over this eventuality... ). My concerns about their meeting now is that ex has barely spent time with this person..according to him, if he is not lying about Oct meeting then physical time together is:

Oct 10 - 2 nights (him in US)
Dec 10 - 5 nights (him in US) + 6 days and nights inc NYE (him in US)
Feb 11 - 6 nights (her in UK)
Mar 11 - 6 nights (him in US)

And the rest has been skype, email, text, BBM etc....She is now coming today and will be staying for 2.5 weeks. And yep, am well aware of the fact that what I see as a flimsy fling he sees as a new committed relationship, its all just so bloody frustrating....if she lived in this country I would have imagined they would have done a short intro by now...

Ps: do I come across as a bit of a loon with my thinking above? AIBU?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, no. In fact I think it would be normal for him to see that he should not be introducing her this quickly. From this little time, their relationship is a completely insane fling - honestly, you can have confidence that you are right on this one!

Can you try to approach this calmly, maybe as part of the mediation? It's important to protect your child, but it's also important to protect yourself from unnecessary conflict - has he mentioned it?

Thanks waterrat........it is so, so hard as I do keep getting sucked in and falling for the emotional crap he is doling out. The first para is exactly what the counsellor was drilling into me yesterday (am thinking I should save my pennies and come on here solely!). In terms of getting him to acknowlege his part or the hurt and upset he has caused, I am fighting a losing battle.....the only bright note about this woman coming here tomorrow is that at least I will have even less contact with him. I have a friend on hand who would be willing to do the handovers if things do decsend into messiness (hoping not to go that far, as dont want to give him any sense of him/her/them having an emotional impact on me and defo want to give him the impression that I dont give a flying whatsit what they do and am getting on with my life for myself and DS......)

I did take the advice on here and enfore my boundaries by clearly stating that he could not collect DS from nursery tomorrow and bring him home, just because he wont be seeing him from this morning through to Sat morning....

I mentioned mediation ages ago - wish I had gone through it at the time as imagine all this crap could have been avoided, but I felt a bit hesitant as ex with his salesman hat on can be quite manipulative. I was also worried that given his beliefs on the root causes of his affair (i.e. me and all MY issues) and his refusal to act in a decent manner would just spell disaster, but, actually, after chatting this through with the counsellor, it does seem like a vital step towards my regaining more control......

He does not seem opposed to mediation - but I suspect that is because he is expecting to come out with a conclusion where this woman is introduced to our DS as and when he sees fit and 'exposing' me as being only concerned with myself and seeing things from my benefit only (which is why I am working full-time on a fraction of the salary they will have jointly, have not had a night off from caring for DS as ex has only now just got an insane bedset from some high end shop, I have held the fort whilst he has gone on weekends back to see his parents and friends in his hometown, off on foreign work trips and trips to the US to see her......I obviously need to work on this being selfish thing......)

Hi, on the issue of Ds meeting the OW, there is nothing you can do to prevent this but you could get him to agree to a similar agreement for WHEN you meet a new partner. It may help him think this through from the other side? However at some stage it will happen and rather than think about them playing happy families focus on the hard work it will be for them. Children are hard work, even for the natural parents, let alone a new partner. Your H will spend time with your DS, maybe going to play parks etc and OW will start to realise she isn't going to be number1.

I doubt their relationship will be long term, the don't know each other, they have cultural differences, they will not be in the holiday stage of the affair once they are both working. What will she be doing when he's working away? Sitting in the small flat wondering if he's moving on to the next woman!

Children don't appreciate the input you put in until much later in life, but very quickly they realise which adult was there for them, who was the responsible, caring and unselfish parent.
Time is on your side, you are slowly rebuilding your life, you will make better choices. It might feel uphill but you are laying solid foundations, your H ins't. He is building a life on sand..
What is his parents approach to this? Are they supportive outwardly to him but do you suspect that they will be critical about his behaviour ?

Oh Dee I think you are doing wonderfully. A pat on the back is needed.

I'm sure when your son is older, and understands the situation, he will appreciate you for being so wonderful.

My DP's dad left his mum when he was 3 and his brother 5, and although he has a relationship with his father, he is still very much a mummy's boy (but in a nice way), and has told me that deep down he has not forgiven his father for the hurt caused, but life is too short to get wrapped up in the past, so he does not bring it up.

At DP's brother's wedding, they both made a point of making a huge fuss of their mum all day. His brother thanked his mum in the speaches for being so fantastic and supportive, but forgot to mention his father.

Your ex has had his head turned by a shallow, materialistic, ruthless and no doubt scheming tramp - no doubt he will get his comeuppance in the long run.

Dee,

Waterrat has it spot on- you need to detach some more, trust me I know how hard it is and I actually think you are doing really well considering it's still early days in what probably feels a nightmare.

I just want you to be able to detach from the things he says to you that are clearly ludicrous. Don't engage at all unless he's being respectful and sensible. Anything hurtful about you, any comments about ow, anything at all unless it's to do with being a good dad, you just don't want to know.

You need to do this because he seems a paticular type of bully, and after a while of this in my sitch, I was a nervous wreck, for my sanity I had to detach.

With re to ds meeting the ow, I think you're right, I would want to see some stability in their circumstances before that's viable, if he wants to come over all child development expert then theres no way, given the present situation it should be happening in the near future. But of course if he's such an expert he would know that!! ( and it is my field, so I do know).

What I learned to do was delay replying to texts/emails or crazy phone calls, give it at least a day to calm down, and then you can reply in a controlled, consistent, unemotional way.

It gets better, honestly it does.

Well done Dee ,I agree the hardest part is learning u can't have a conversation the way u used to.mine just persecutes me now when he feels guilty.a friend of mine said to me that he will always lie to me now ,in my case I really believe it. He told me tonight his life is hell and its all my fault,I just told him he made his choices.Twat.

Smum99 - thanks, yep, I am trying to let go of the whole 'happy family' notion (still working on it). Funnily enough, you are spot on when it comes to getting him to see things from my p.o.v only when I mention how he would feel if I was acting in a similar way with some new bloke I had met in the US....he does tend to go strangely quiet at these times......he once had the cheek to bemoan about how he would be distraught if I met someone from NZ (totally random!) and decided to move there and took DS with me.....I think I need to formulate my 'plans' and what I want for DS and I in this (hopefully) quiet period whilst he is otherwise engaged with OW being here. His folks.....dont know to be honest, they have not called me or anything. All I have had is a birthday card (back in Feb, so after affair was revealed, but I think this was motivated by the fact that I challenged ex on their absence of contact and asked him what would happen if he died in a plane crash one day - he does travel a lot!!! - and they had to seek me out to speak to their grandson...? At the time, he did say it wasnt all about me, but then the card came through. I do like his mum, but cant stand his dad and ex has revealed that he spoke to his dad about us and his unhappiness when we at their's over Christmas. I know his dad does not like me, so who knows what he said to him (and ex always, always strives to avoids conflicts where his parents are involved). Given that they are welcoming this girl into their home with open arms, makes me really not care....Whilst they are there, it will be the 2nd birthday of ex's nephew and DS cousin, but I dont think the irony will even touch the sides. I have spoken to his sister (text and on the phone) - I get the impression that she seems to think that Ian is off in his own world and that they are afraid of challenging him for fear of driving him away (she said this last bit). But, I am keeping on my guard -after all, at the end of the day she is his sister and I obviously have a lot of work to do on the whole trust thing.....

ohhlaalaa (& Smum99) - that means a lot to read that. I do want DS to have a good relationship with his dad (as long as he does heed his own words of putting him first), but my heart does pull to think that his dad has put us through this awful turmoil (and keeping to heart that it will pass and all get bloody easier) for a bit of fresh new sex and a deeply rooted sense of entitlement, arrogance and selfishness......Just writing this makes me more focused than ever on building a fantastic, loving and fun-filled life for DS and I.....

Ironwilledmama - thanks. I know that legally, he can meet someone today and do an introduction tomorrow, but he doesnt seem to get that I am saying that if this woman had been in the UK all this time, or even since Jan, she and DS would have no doubt have had an introduction by now, I am not daft enough to think I could prevent that. But he just doesn't want to make any concessions for his unique set-up, in that the first time he will be spending more than a couple of weeks in a row with this person is when she has moved lock, stock and barrel in with him when she rolls up on these shores.......I am determined to see this attempt at detachment through to the end. He does talk an awful lot of crap and I am heeding the advice from all to ignore him, treat him like a child, blank him etc. Funnily enough, I have used the word bully on more than one occasion recently to him. Of course though, the best way to beat a bully is to make them powerless over you....so detachment here I come. Am hoping it will be easier with this woman here as will have less interaction with him......talking of which....

He called this evening to speak to DS - from caller display could see that he was at home. Now, am pretty sure that a few weeks ago, I would have been boiling with anger and would have asked him if she was listening in in the background or even have said something silly about them to get him engaged, but today, I only said 'hello' before handing phone over to DS and the saying that DS had had a nice day at nursery before putting the phone down. Not sure I felt anything really....numb a bit, I guess......I know she is there, around the corner, but at the moment (and at least for today), I really dont care.....Think I still have a long way to go, as it's only day 1, but have a few nights in with friends planned and am thankful for the extra time I will get with DS at the weekends for next three weekends .

Will keep in mind the delay in replying to texts and emails (am longing for the day when I can just delete them without even reading them)....

Hi Patience - sorry to hear that your ex is still coming out with the crap and drivel...I defo feel your words when you say that he persecutes you when he feels guilty....I seem to get this a lot - esp in the beginning (cant even count the number of times, he dismissed my wails of 'why?' and tears with the abrasive excuse of his affair being 'symptomatic of our relationship' and that the affair wasn't the problem, it was our relationship.....).

One thing, even though I can see that I am still in the grieving process, I can look back on all the crap he has said and doled out and could never take him back.......

Take care,
x

Well done for not engaging him on the phone, you did that perfectly. Can you imagine how much he will want you to rant at him so he can roll his eyes at her in a I told you what she's like way.
One day you will say hello, then pass the phone to ds and not give it a second thought, you'll be wondering what to have for tea or some other mundane thing.

I'm glad you feel like you couldn't take him back, when they are this cold and nasty (my ex was too) it's incredibly painful at the time, but you get strength from it to move on. You deserve and will get better.

Crap and drivel = what X says when he is being nice to me ie LYING
swearing and abuse= what happens when I find out the C&D is LIES.

My problem now is he isn't seeing kids or paying maintenance regularly since 21yo gf came on the scene.I think today I finally get it.My situation will never be amicable,I just need to accept mines a bastard.
Sorry for offloading Dee,u just have lightbulb moments all the way along this road x

Thanks Ironwilledmama - managed to do the same this morning when he called again for DS. He phoned at 7.30am and was sounding quite chipper, I managed to supress any urges to fling insults about the source of his happiness and ditto for images of them together in his house (ex is one lazy so and so - would fully expect him to be making calls from bed. He has audios on the bog at times....). I am of course, taking on board all the fantastic advice offered and keeping my guard up for any mad curveaballs he may choose to dish out.

Patience - so sorry to hear that your ex is stil dishing out the crap. I know that the acceptance is so hard (and I am nowhere near there). I have glimpses of those flashbulb moments.....like, accepting the worst from ex means that I dont get disappointed (e.g. thought given his huge salary and ordinarily generous nature and the fact that I took VR a year ago yesterday on his encouragement would have meant that we would have come to a fair joint agreement and he now wants to do the bare minimum advised by CSA and even then is moaning about his tax etc....but I shouldn't complain as I know that any type of maintenance is good - cant believe that these blokes can become so single minded and enamoured by some fresh nookie and a new face to crap all over the mother of their kids and by proxy their kids.....). I also do have flashes of anger when I think of all the crappy things he has said and done - I am just learning to re-direct that anger now. No point in flinging it back at him as he (a) doesnt care, (b) is too thick/short-sighted/selfish to 'get' why I am angry/hurt/upset and (c) I no longer want him to have any control over me.......

Take care, x

Yep I started kick boxing Dee just to ease the stress ,turns out I've got a great right jab LOL.
Its just for the sol to sort out now.he doesn't see maintenance as a legal requirement more a plan of mine to make him suffer,so he is abusive and doesn't pay.

Wow Dee you are doing so well.

You only started this thread a month ago and you are now working full time, coping with your son all the time apart from a few hours for disney dad and looking towards mediation to sort thing out.

Keep detatching and fighting the risk to tell him what a twat he is as you know he will turn it on you.

I am in awe at how well you have done and how strong you are.

Hi there Xales, thanks for the kind words. It certainly doesnt feel like I am doing well at times. It does seem to ebb and flow......Like yesterday and today, it is just so strange, but I really dont care less what they do, where they go etc..I suspect that some of this is me doing a bit of self-protetction by not 'going there' in terms of thoughts and our interactions. But it has got to the point where I am actually believing my own words when I say that 'I dont want to deal with this anymore'....I will do all that I can to protect my DS and make sure that he is happy and safe. I have to accept that there is only so much I can do when he is with his dad (and woe betide him, if he fucks up) so my focus HAS to be on our new life together. I also take courage in the words that have been offered here about building a life built on honesty and without regrets and the knowledge that he will almost certainly have these at some point (and hopefully I will be living a blissful, stress and pain-free life with DS).

I also just read an article that WWIFN posted on another affair thread, by Frank Pittman and it really just resonated for me and made me remember all the good advice that has been offered here and in RL....

Hi Dee,

Hope you've got a nice weekend planned with ds!

I think its interesting what you said about not caring as much when he rang even though you know she is there, because it must be difficult for you. But this is what I've found too, when I've dreaded something happening and it finally does it never meets the expectations of pain that I anticipated.

I was trying to explain this on another thread about children meeting the ow, that it wasn't the agony that i thought it would be and for that reason if it seems inevitable to get it over and done with to lessen the anxiety in the build up ( not that I think this is right for your situation).

Just thought it might help to know we are often stronger than we think and the pain lessens with time until there's no pain at all, in fact no emotion when you think about ex and ow and wow does it feel good :) . Keep going, stay detached, it's the absolute best thing for you and ds.

Hi Ironwilledmama,

Sun is shining here - so in a sunny mood. Went swimming with DS and OH as his insistence on asking about an introduction, agreeing when I say no (and reasons why) and then asking again (or worse, sending emails saying that it is all for my benefit, blah, blah) had me a bit nervy about him springing an introduction. I am of the mind that this will probably happen soon after she moves her in July so have time to come to terms with that. But this time round - does it sound mad if I say that as well as DS welfare and showing some respect to my wishes, its also about trust?? He agrees and then changes his mind.....Anyway, he knew I was coming along this week and I had already said that I would take my car and he could take his (cant bear the idea of sitting in his car, esp as he will have been ferrying her around for past two days), he said fine - well, he didn't really, said I was personalising things.....So, he comes round this morning and says that I should just go along in his car, said no thank you in a calm manner to which he threw a wobbly. Saying I was trying to cause an argument (eh?!) and that if I was going to be like this then he would just go swimming with DS and then go home (i.e. his home and back to OW). Said fine.....by the end of the swimming lesson he had changed his mind about scarpering and wanted to take DS to the park instead and did I want to come?! No thanks......left them at the park after ex asked me if I wanted to go back to his house so he could go and get a banana for DS (he had asked for one). Shot him a withering look (damn - should have smiled sweetly?!) and he said 'oh, no one is there at the moment'...Resisted temptation to ask w-the-f she was and went on my merry way. He should be snaking his way round later this afternoon to see DS as he wont be seeing him tomorrow (yippee!!!!) or Monday (his loss - as work - or rather, conveniently accompanying OW to London on her first day - is more of a priority). Will try and stay strong and rise, rise, ignore, ignore and detach, detach......

Despite all of the above, I am still of the 'not caring' camp (although obviously haven't erased him from my mind completely). Friend from swimming (knows both of us from NCT classes and dinners/lunches/birthdays/playdates etc), commented that ex didn't look that happy for a man that is madly in love with his soulmate......No comment.........

But, yes, defo agree and many thanks for the timely reminder. I thought that the fact that they are living round the corner for next couple of weeks would crush me, but the actuality has been far, far less. Really cant wait to be fully detached and rid of any emotions (even the hate is wearing me down at times).....

Ugghhhh....bumped into the wife of one of ex's work mates. She knew about split as ex is posting all over FB about new relationship and raving about his good weekends with OW....She didn't know about the background story - though no major surprises there I guess as dont think he will tell anyone the truth unless he really has to (and he has a fit when he knows I am telling people). I did tell her - only the facts as I know them (start of affair and abandonment at NYE). Didn't go into any of the details of what has been going on since Jan as obviously have major trust issues with anyone bar close friends and family (and lovely folk on here!). I did have a brief weep in my car on the way home as I thought about them, but was able to keep composed when I saw ex later on and didn't mention it or react to him in any way...I have just had a quick re-read of the earlier pages on this thread and am finding reassurance in all the words 'warning' me not to focus too much on his so-called happiness and focus on myself and DS and our future happiness....OW is more than welcome to him......

Oh and no mothers day card for me (yet). He came round this evening to see DS empty handed, which I noted. He only mentioned the fact that he had forgotten my mothers day card on his kitchen table after he had seen a card that a good friend had bought for me, which I had left on my kitchen table. Idiot......needless to say, he can post it through the letterbox or he can just leave it as wont be answering the door to him tomorrow....

Happy mothers day in advance to you all and special big hugs for those of us that are going through the pain of cheating, lying, useless ex's.

Night, x

Sorry - mentally noted the absence of a mothers day card......didn't bother saying anything out loud...

Dee, just wanted to add my support to all the rest on here. What a bastard he is. One day you really will feel you are well shot of him. Like you so perceptively said, he really does want to eat his way through the bakery; thinks it's his right to hurt you as much and as badly as he wants (and actually, ultimately his/your DS too, he has shown scant true regard for his welfare in this whole sorry saga), but resents you for any attempts you make to protect yourself and recover from this body blow he's dealt you. He comes over as a truly vile little man-child and it must be so hard for you to have to keep dealing with him and all his horrible tricks over and over again.

I too think you are doing incredibly well in coping with it all and in moving on, and I really wish you huge success in it all. I hope you are getting really good legal advice - he is not playing fair, you need someone who's going to fight for, and get, the deal (re finances and access) that suits YOU, not him. You are your son's primary carer - he is the one who walked away from and split up the family with barely a backward glance, or any attempt at resolving whatever problems he perceived were there. So any idea that he deserves joint custody or equal access with you is bollocks, afaic. I have no legal experience or expertise whatsoever, but I hope your solicitor is specialised in family law and in working out this kind of separation particularly, and not just a general "all purpose" one. Just 'cause I know that can make a big difference.

You are learning to be selfish and not to worry about his needs (as he so clearly couldn't care less about yours, in fact has gone out of his way to hurt you as much as possible with some of the things he has said and done) and that is fantastic. Well done for all the big steps you've taken. And good luck with the ones still to come. Take care, and Happy Mothers' Day tomorrow.