Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

I am fuming!!!

Ex called tonight to speak to DS and say that he didn't think that the access plan was working for him and he wasn't happy with the way things were! Funny that, now I am standing up for myself, he doesn't quite like it...ditto, it must be the first time he is in on his tod, with no work do, overseas or overnight trip to distract him...so maybe things are sinking in? Anyway, he of course announces this after trying to speak to DS - again, something in his precsence which we agreed not to do. I should have put the phone down, but his self-righteousness about access was like a red flag to a bull.....He has consistently taken the pee, coming round whenever he likes, sometimes twice a day as and when he is in the country/our town....I am really sick of seeing his face now, but he says that as we are not doing full proper access (i.e. him having DS overnight - which is only because of his weird set-up with having this woman from overseas and then moving in with her here....) he thinks he should have more access to DS........as mentioned, he was moaning this morning about only seeing him for 10mins today....told him this was all down to HIS choices, though he disagrees and says he didnt choose to see less of DS and that it's just a 'by-product' of him separating from me.....apparently as I get to see DS every day and he sees him '3 days a week' (actually, its 4 weekdays with Mon pm, Tues am, Weds pm and Thurs am and then a day at the weekend) this is totally unfair!! And he had the blimmin' cheek to call this evening to speak to DS....He totally doesnt get how easy I have made all of this for him - unfortunately too easy, as some of you have observed.....he is really trying to scoff his way through the whole bakery at the moment......

Can you take a short holiday. Just a weekend away with DS in a holiday apartment, and lots of games and books, and switch your mobile off for weekend.

Perhaps you could tell your ex that you need a weekend away with DS, and no mobile. Tell him the weekend is to think about your future, and that you are trying to come to terms with what has happened. Give him the address of where you are staying, if there is an emergency.

My newly single friend recently had a weekend away here:

www.ortonhall.com

You need some space from him.

Dee ,ive been jumping in and out this thread so forgive me if im repeating what anyone else has said.
Childcare needs boundaries ,protect urself and ds emotionally by setting a routine .Dont make it easy for him ,he hasnt excactly made it easy for you .Have you seen a sol ?

LEDKR ...UR A STAR !Will PM u if my tosser X ever causes me anymore trouble but i dont think he will now ,only lets down the dcs these days and not a lot i can do about that ,but hopefully when he accepts terms of divorce, maintenance and visits will become more regular,ps i left him in my house half an hour the other week ,he has never been in my new home alone with the kids and yes he managed a shit in my toilet too,YEUCH !
You are right the more I dig now the more it hurts ,I have accepted we are no longer together but he lies constantly ,doesnt help the situation.Just need to keep busy so I dont think of them ,no need to ,not interested just a bad habit tbh ,do u think that just fades cause they are just "DUMB AND DUMBER" or will it bother me till i get a new bloke or is it just a time thing.Working hard not to be bothered but regular maintenance would def help this issue.But yes if I go down the road of obsessing for no reason except he's my X ,I just feel like crap.He has moved on ...END OF !

Dee what are they like wanting both,moving in on u for a kiss ,then sat texting her,you dont need this in ur life ,i did all this head fuckery cos X didnt admit he was sleeping with his gf and apparantley didnt want a divorce .TWAT!Instinctively i knew the truth though and i love walking my own road now .Big hugs to you ,well done on the counselling ,get the childcare sorted ,reclaim ur boundaries x

Am I expecting too much ?

In terms of counselling???? Had my second session this week and feel that I am getting somewhere, but equally, want to keep my expectations in check...In terms of moving on mentally and emotionally, how long did it take people to achieve this? I know its probably a 'how long isa piece of string' type question and everyone will vary. I also know that I didn't do myself any favours in the beginning by keeping in contact with ex and indulging in his 'I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing/I want to be with this person' swings and roundabouts, but just a rough idea? Did you work hard at not thinking about your ex and their OW/OM? Did you just wake up one day and the thought of them/him just didn't bother you anymore? I would love to hear coping tactics and some advice on how to rid my mind of them (one friend advised that I dont recount the whole sorry story to people who dont know - just give them an abridged version (not everyone knows) as it could eat me up otherwise having to tell the whole story and its twists and turns again and again....). I know that you have all imparted such great wisdom and advice so far (detach, set boundaries with him/them, dont indulge in self-destructive fantasies of them and their 'happiness' - along with that fantastic source of happiness quote, live a happy life etc....phew, all seems easier said than done....).

ohhlaalaa - thank-you for the link - it looks fab! I really should get away, but know that ex is petty enough to pick up on my need to go away as either me denying him access to his son or will play tit for tat and demand to take DS away for a weekend as well (even though to date, he still has NEVER EVER had the responsibility of looking after DS for even 1 night all by himself - he still doesn't have bed furniture for him in his new place, though it is supposedly coming this week......). Should probably let him do it, so he can see its not just about fun and games all day long.....I will defo be turning my mobile off on Mothers Day, esp as OW will be here visiting him and frankly, he has already f**ked up my xmas, new year and birthday so need to put a stop to it all.....am sure OW will offer a shoulder or two for him to cry on.....

Patience - hello! Yes, after my rant he has backed down a lot (again, am keeping an eye open for his real motives in this and any curveballs he may be storing up). Hasnt raised it again, though it has only been what 2 days since then and he is probably looking for an easy life as OW is here next week......Hope all is going well for you (any coping tactics?).

Just mind urself and ur ds.Look after urself ,nourish yourself,use this time as an opportunity for emotional growth .Listening to a download of John Bradshaw just now and reading The Homecoming ,all about our inner child and how we parent.Told me lots about my X cos he is an addict ,he cant say no.
Had to laugh tonite as he actually said to me that it wasnt all ur fault the marriage broke down Patience ,he says he was partly to blame too.ROFL.What a tosser,he says single life isnt that great .NO SHIT!
Anyway i read susan jeffers End the struggle and dance with life I really recommend it .Its all about getting thru life thinking positive and wishing no ill on people that do u wrong.Its about feeling ur emotions ,dont repress anything ,but then leave them and move on.So ur working towards losing the bitterness,losing the rage ,finding serenity and moving forwards into the next stage of ur life without the baggage of ur X and his gf.You accept life is fluid ,people u meet teach u things ,u learn from them ,then u move on along ur journey.I think keeping busy,getting out the house to work and having the facts in front of u will help move things on,but they say one month for every year u were together or one year grieving, one year rebuild.
Ur spirited and strong DEE so keep fighting the DOOM days u have and relish the empowerment and freedom that you feel.Have a look at the 2 glasvegas songs i posted on the dumpling no more thread especially the cheatin heart one the link is[ ha ha ha ha ],lyrics are liar liar pants on fire ,life is all lies and alibis ,
once u lose that headfuckery its easier ,keep the dc arrangements businesslike ,he WILL manipulate you,seek legal advice .

LEDKR just to say re my earlier post.I think my days of bothering about X and gf are over.I think today is the day.Had a long chat tonight and he isnt the guy I knew,his life is a struggle and I dont feel sorry for him,I dont feel anything now.He isnt making excuses now ,I think he feels a bit of an arse ,what a difference a year makes.He even called me babes,and as i said b4 took some blame for the break up [shakes head ] .Just a daftie swept along by his divorced pub /work mates.

DEE just to say this is the road i went down when my X went on his bender trip to BONKERSLAND for 18mths,

NOV 09 Live on Irn Bru and fags thru first phase shock
DEC09 After a month start eating sugar puffs.
Jan10 discover MN road to recovery for the recently ditched thread decide i can do this ,text my friend, tell her its ok im a dumpling,RL friend doesnt get it.[this happens a lot btw.]
FEB 10 tell work mate and see a reader.
MARCH 10 start learning about crystals
APRIL 10 Start reading self help books
MAY10 gardening
JUNE 10 meet Prince Charles
JULY 10 seek legal advice re divorce/see reader again.
AUG 10 tai Chi /got a trampoline
SEPT counselling with womens aid.
OCT start small business
NOV 10 Moved into lovely new flat
DEC 10 Got sky +/admit defeat with huge snow falls and prepare for xmas by drinking hot chocolate.
JAN10 Contemplation
FEB10 Started kick boxing
MARCH 10 Had first night out in 3 yrs .Complete forms for divorce and reflect on the last year and a half.

Also lots of combinations of various months .Some things i still do ;some things i dont .Not slept with NM yet but im sure I'll cope when the time comes .

"tell your ex that you need a weekend away with DS - Tell him the weekend is to think about your future, and that you are trying to come to terms with what has happened."

sorry, dont agree with this. imo he has no right to any personal info about you Dee. Make statements, don't get embroiled in a discussion, zero, zilch detail. You've been relating as a couple for a long time and it's hard to chop that off, but chop it off you must (Mrs Bobbit). If you go away, announce you are going away, explain logistics - when you're going, when you'll be back, that's all. Can't see what 'emergency' he would have to tell you about tbh as your nearest and dearest - ds - are with you, what else would he have to tell you that you would be interested in? Try not to repeat the "you chose this" argument, but only because that opens up a dialogue, a window into your world. All your windows and doors are shut, the house blank, as far as he's concerned.

I realise I'm piling on yet more 'techniques' when it sounds as though you're so full of them Dee you're in danger of popping. I think the thing to be thinking about now is you, how you feel, what you want, where you're going - NOT what he thinks, wht he feels, where's he's going: you know his story, you don't need any more detail - now, what about your story?

You're doing so well Dee. Well done.

Thanks Patience - have to admit, keep dipping into other threads here and there, but will get onto the dumplings one and start to reg post on there - you are all doing so well and a source of inspiration! I cant see your thread on MN....did your ex come to his senses (as in realise that he seriously messed up - not necc about coming back etc) after 18 months? Did he and OW burn out?? Gosh - you had a busy 18 months....I feel maybe I am too eager to race to do everything now, even though I dont know what the whole 'everything' is.....I remember, a few people advised thinking about what was lacking in the relationship and also what I compromised on....I do have a list, so should get cracking on that. I guess, I was hoping that doing the counselling would 'fix' me/everything and I could start to move on properly, but of course a once a week session wont do that (esp after just two sessions!) and I do need to actively work on squashing any images or thoughts of them....

Yes - I have read about the whole 'forgiveness' thing in order to move on....(though was in a Louise Hay book!). I do want to achieve this, but I am torn up with the hurt...I guess I am holding onto it a bit....and do so want to let it go...it has only been 11 weeks (this week in fact!), so do appreciate it will take time and certainly some days are better than others....love the idea of tai chi, a reading (tarot?) and starting a business, so may pinch these!

springydaffs - yep, I se your point. I have been resisting telling ex about plans that I have for myself and DS (as in what we are doing on a particular day etc). He always, always asks and always wants me to send him photos of DS on a day when he doesnt have him/isnt able to see him.....a bit controlling, no? I just ignore the requests....

Very good point about what my story is....I have no idea.....I was bound up so much in being a couple, that I did lose a part of me (as mentioned above). Hmmm....very thought-provoking stuff.....thank-you! Need to invest more energy in myself and DS....

You and ds are two different people Dee - granted he's only 2.5 and you'll be joined at the hip at the moment but even then, you are separate. Ex wanting to know all the details (photos on the days he doesn't see him??? that's a bit OTT imo!) is him staking his claim with ds, also wanting to know EVERYTHING about you ie that he's got you where he wants you, that he is in control of your life. He is not in control of your life, you are. You're not in his play, remember.

Dee moving on with peace was my aim I certainly wasn't at peace over the last 18 mths but it was my ambition to wish him well as hate is not a good emotion for me.

Sorry to chip in again but I personally wouldn't go anywhere near eg a tarot reading etc. You've got enough going on without adding to it - I don't think these things are harmless tbh and they also encourage you to depend on a scripted future which is out of your control. It is totally in your control to carve out your future and, once you get over the shock that it's down to you now (plus recover from the appalling betrayal and hurt of what your ex has done) it is exciting and very liberating to realise you can paint your canvas any way you choose. Takes a while to get there and I really appreciate how painful everything is for you at the moment. Someone gave me some advice about pain once - that struggling to get away from it is infinitely more painful than sitting with it. Pain isn't anything to be afraid of - it's the fear of pain that is so crippling and limits our lives. A counsellor won't get you sorted, chip chop, in a few weeks - counsellors are usually for the long haul. Maybe you need to find a way to talk openly and honestly about your pain, what your fears are, what you are hoping for, what you have lost, what you find unbearable. Are you comfortable with your counsellor? Counsellors are like relationships - they may look good on paper but just aren't for you iyswim. Finances permitting, you can have more than one session a week during this crisis - work out a deal with the counsellor if you can - until things eventually settle down and you can reduce them. You're in control of the counselling.

I wish I could give you a serious hug, but that's probably not very MNey (though I don't know why not!). Do you have anyone in your life who provides the 'hugs' and tlc that you could do with now? It may not be the person you want it to be but it does help.

oop, hope that last bit doesn't sound patronising (maybe that's why nobody does the hugs thing on here?) There are times we all need them and this is one of those times imo Dee. You've had a major strike. Forgiveness is something to aim for in the long run but imo it can't be used as a technique, it has to be real, and it takes a while to get there ime.

Oh yes, Tarot... I remember my dad being very impressed with the spooky lady in the fairground and how much she seemed to know. As he was considering emigrating at the time he was particularly interested in her prediction "You will not die in the country of your birth".

Well actually, he did.

LOL at ur responses,I think if u read the rest of my list u will see their isn't a quick fix in any of them ,this is a list of survival by a woman whose husband walked out on her and 2 kids and kept it together by whatever means I could tai chi ,gardening or trampolining ,the fact I developed spiritually in the last 18 mths is a path I chose to bring me inner peace and to create a stable environment for my dcs.
I don't do tarot,but I do believe in angels and our ancestors supporting us thru our lives.
I certainly didn't think she was going to wave a magic wand ,but I love meditation and chakra work .Dee sorry if u thought this was a plan to follow by the letter.I didn't include a huge crush on Dr harry Cunningham out of silent witness (helped keep me going) that and the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

It is one day at a time ,u find ur own way,its a bumpy road but just fasten ur seatbelt.I also drink cammomile tea and light candles,its all about peace for me.but that is my lifes work now,working for inner peace and contentment.

Never had a reading that gave me a scripted future. We
must have very different experiences Spring.
Dee take what u need from my posts and leave the rest ,I was just sharing what I did when the bottom fell out my world.Not great when ur partner of 16 yrs leaves ,drinks to excess ,doesn't see the kids or pay regularly ,then hooks up with 21 yo barmaid,u lose ur home, ur job and ur marriage in one yr ,its tough.

Hugs and kisses for both Patience and Dee.

But u will come thru this Dee ,its amazing how many people crossed my path ,just for an hour or so and inspired me,MN gave me a place to share and dump out all my stress so my kids didn't get my anger.
Trust ur instincts and listen to ur body,look after it,its had a big shock .
Waves to oohlaalaa.
Dee I didnt do a thread ,I just wrote on the dumpling one.I couldn't have handled people slagging off my X ,I was completely in denial .He left in Nov 09 and gf didn't appear til Aug 10 only admitted it a month ago.July 10 he was still telling me he didn't want a divorce .
Just concentrate on u and detatch from their hedonism.If u can afford it spoil urself with beauty treatments ,I have the best nails ever and get regular haircuts.Spoil urself everyday .

Been a bit of a mixed few days of late....am still thinking about whether counselling is right for me, right now (iyswim?).....I wonder if I need to be in a better head space/more practical stuff sorted out (as that does seem to be consuming me at the moment)...I am so keen for the house to sell now so that thats the last non-child related tie/dependency I have on ex...I have been toying with the idea of asking him to leave his equity in the house (thought better of that, as would basically be subject to his moods and what OW wanted) and also doing a house-swap (weirdly, the couple who made an offer on our house, have a small 3 bed to sell, went to see it, but it is really small and also, it would tie me to this town...any thoughts?).

Had a teary day today - dont know why.....well, I do, was at an NCT event and it just brought back a lot of memories and feelings. I know that I am giving far, far too much energy and thought to him and his new life. It doesnt help that he keeps trying to break any types of boundaries I set up. Still asking what DS and I have been up to when he's not around (dont think he is interested in what I am doing per-se, more about DS?). Came back from a morning out to find him in the house - I had agreed a drop-off time for DS and he just thought it was okay to walk back into the house without telling me (no phone/email/text etc). My heart was literally pounding in my chest when I pulled up and I ran into the house....I dont know why, its not as if I have anything to hide, but it just felt so, so wrong for him to be there (and of course, his excuse was that its still half his house).

Also, a quick query on whethere I am being unreasonable....after ex has ruined my new years and birthday, I have asked for no contact on Mothers Day (OW will be here - she is flying in next week for 2.5 weeks). Originally stated this in an email - no response and then today he calls and says could he not come round and see DS briefly on that day?! All because he has to go to an all day meeting in the city now on Monday after, so wont see DS that day (funnily enough, that is also most likely the day, OW heads into the same city for her first days trial at her new office....). Surely, I can have Mothers Day to myself and my son with no face to face visits or phone calls???! I can imagine that his next call will berate me for stopping his 'rights'...?

Patience - no worries on your timeline! I completely get where you are coming from and the points made. Thanks so much for sharing your journey and experiences. Yes, I do need to treat myself everyday...a good friend also recommended today that I start to keep a diary and as well as all the crap, I also include the good points that happen in my day...I think those can be so easily lost when all this other stuff is going on....And cheers for the serenity prayer - another one to add to my list of inspirations.....

springydaffs - hugs (virtual ones included) are always most welcome . Yes, you are right about the forgiveness - I think I am trying to run before I can walk, esp as I see being able to forgive as part and parcel of me having fully healed and moved on. As mentioned about the counselling - still in two minds. I think maybe I need to focus on serious practical stuff now and then look into longer term counselling.....I will also look into some other 'therapies' such as CBT, EFT and also the diary thing. I will also try very hard to not go over the whole sordid story - it is hard as I am still bumping into people who dont know who have 'heard' or where stupid ex has been going around saying we have split due to arguing.....making me look a right idiot, or at least as much to blame for the split as him I guess.....gosh, must try not to over-analyse.....thank-you!

oohlaalaa - many thanks for the hugs and kisses!! Much needed!

Right - need to get over to the chin up thread before my eyelids give up on me......

X

it just felt so, so wrong for him to be there (and of course, his excuse was that its still half his house).

No, he can NOT do that! He cannot walk into your home any time he pleases . You have made it clear that you don't want him in the house, he let himself in in defiance of your express wishes. Take the key - do it with trickery if you must (ask him for his key a minute as the lock is a bit dicky, use it, then keep it in your hand, don't give it back) - or get the locks changed. I eventually had to take out a restraining order on my OH that he wasn't to come beyond the gate (so he used to stand there, leaning over the 'gate' - there wasn't actually a gate lol - with his toe just over the line, like a big fat toddler defying his mummy) because he wouldn't respect my space. All that time he owned half the house but the courts felt it was appropriate for him to respect my privacy and stop harassing me. He was also not to incessantly call, text, email or write letters.

You said NO to mothers day. No means no.

I would move away if you can. What keeps you where you are if ds is not in school? Do you have anywhere you could live? If you moved away you wouldn't have to put up with his endless harassment and you wouldn't risk bumping into them, or her.

Nice one DEE just wanted to underline there is no quick fix so do what you can each day to make this time in your life less painful.

This is true SURVIVAL ,makes Ray Mears and the rest of them look like amateurs .

Just remember "All things are passing............"

Springydaffs - yes, he seems to be taking the mick (a lot)...I think because I let him get away with a lot in the beginning (taking his time to find a new place, calling her from the house, watching him go outside to sit in his car for hours on end to call her after I banned him from the house, basically not giving a crap about me or DS and moving heaven and earth for her) he seems to think he can really push his luck...

Told him again (via email to keep away from us on Mothers Day) and he has now backed down. Though he did lament how it would be hard for HIM not to see DS on that day?! No idea if he meant missing a days call (he doesn't seem that bothered when he can call on any other day and chooses to miss calling because of work or he was watching rugby and missed his alarm going off) or miissing speaking to DS on mothers day...craziness....

I am now seriously looking into moving away. I feel a bit undecided as have so many good friends here who have supported me, but ex is making life very, very tough at the moment. I have no assurance that he won't just move into the same street as me once this house has sold and the latest is that he WILL be taking this girl to his home town to meet his parents, family and friends. I have already told him that he can expect contact to be strict as per current access pattern. And asked that he don't call me from a packed family room with everyone milling around (he did this back in Jan). I just want to be free of him now, mentally and physically...

Thanks Patience - yes, need to look at every passing day as a step nearer towards 'recovery'....I do hope that I get there.

Course you will Dee, just set your boundaries to protect urself and he just has to get on with it x

I like the sound of that - that your town is awash with YOUR friends... in preparation for this horrible couple!

So glad to hear you've had some good support from your friends locally. Can I just say - though sorry to make another suggestion - that you don't let him know what hurts you? ime this was fatal for me, as he used every single thing I had said was hurtful - and did precisely what I had asked him not to. (it got in the end that I asked for the opposite of what I wanted eg please bring the children back early, when I wanted the children back late... to ensure I got what I wanted). eg mothers day - you said please don't contact on mothers day, suddenly mothers day is the very day he wants to talk to ds.

I don't use the word often but he is a cunt isn't he.

Dee, what a tough time you are going through. I have had counselling during a difficult time in life, - I think it is hard to focus on proper therapy, which is the best kind, when your life is in upheaval. It requires focus and involvement - and it can often bring stuff up unexpectedly that leaves us reeling/ confused/ needing to do further thinking. So in some ways I think you are right - particularly if you are considering moving.

On the other hand, it is a space to know that each week you can rage/ rant/ cry your eyes out - so in that respect I actually think it's vital in a crisis. ....

and by the way, I also agree this man is a total and utter cunt for how he is treating you. Things won't be this way forever, the rules and boundaries you set will become clearer - as you become firmer about them.