Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Dee,
You're on a rollercoaster of conflicting feelings, sadness, anger, frustration, fear! Everyone who's been through this knows it all too well, AgentSecrete is right about learning to be selfish, when I was going through this ex was so demanding, I just couldn't stand up to him properly,looking back I can see I was frozen with shock and fear at his cruelty, there was no consideration from him, no compassion, as far as he was concerned I was the enemy. In reality I was so vulnerable and fragile it was shocking he couldn't see it, instead he compounded it by treating me with utter contempt.

Be firm and consistent if you feel ds shouldn't be meeting ow yet, keep repeating in a calm manner that given the current circumstances you feel that would be detrimental to his wellbeing.

It may be that you need to get legal advice on that, you can't stop him legally but they can send a letter asking his agreement that it happens when the situation is more stable.

You could also get the contact and finances sorted as AgentSecrete mentioned. I just don't like the sound of him at all, eerily similar to my ex.

Please don't answer your phone tomorrow (have a feeling he will call) take tomorrow as a break from him completely. Tomorrow is just about you and ds- hope you enjoy it!

Hi - quick post whilst kettle is boiling!! Just want to say happy mothers day to you all. Thanks for the wonderful and inspiring advice that is keeping me going, keeping me sane and making me see things more clearly!!

Hope everyone has a lovely day!!

Will be back to post properly later!

X

Ps: no mothers day card (won't hold my breath for a small pressie) for me this morning on my doormat, had half expected one as he had said he had allegedly left my card at his house and he knows that I don't want to see or hear from him today, but nope. Thinking 1. There is no card - he just lied and will go and get one today, 2. He just couldn't be bothered to bring it round last night after leaving here, despite living around the corner - so a selfish, lazy so and so or 3. He plans to just 'pop' round with card in a control battle as he knows I don't want to see him...suspect its number 2!!

Or 4) don't think about it!

Don't waste headspace or energy. Everytime you start to think about him, mentally squish that thought up and chuck it in a bin or something. Have a spare 15-20 mins every so often when you sit down and deliberately go through everything in your head, but apart from those times, push it away.

Happy mothers day :) x

(have posted before but name changed.)

Have lurked but not posted.
I just want to send you virtual Mother's Day Blessings.
Don't worry about a card, DS will always remember and know that you love and care for him. When he is old enough he'll see the truth about your ex.
Enjoy your day, you are a strong and amazing woman.

seachange - ah, yes, forgot about that option, and a good one it is/was too!! Tbh, this morning I did have a little tear thinking that the knob hadn't even bothered to get me a card and was having a lovely lie-in in the arms of the OW in his cosy house round the corner......but then, DS and I went out at 11am and by the time we came back at almost 2pm there was a card on the doormat......and....

I realised that I actually didn't want it (no pleasing me, eh?! ). I felt this incredible rush of anger when I saw it and even more on reading it (not sure, maybe I was half-expecting him to write a gushing message about how good a mum I have been to DS whilst he has been a crap dad, obsessed with counting his pennies and planning his next sex holiday with OW....). Just a basic, 'To Mummy, lots of love, DS'. I then put the card on the window sill in the kitchen - not upright, just flat. I have a real card from my DS that he made at nursery - which is all I need . Ex's card will be going in the recycling bin on Tuesday....

Have been trying to squash down my thoughts about him - and keeping busy today has helped. Though more and more, whenever I think of him, I do just think that he is a horrid, vile man and I am so glad to be rid of him. OW is welcome to him and his money 'amazingness' and whatever else she sees in him....

Earthymama - today has been lovely not having any annoying calls or texts from him. I fully expect the barrage to start again tomorrow (he is a tad bit fond of this macho/good dad posturing when OW is around and I have strong suspicions that his last minute work meeting has been arranged so he can accompany her on her first day - different office/company, but same route to their destinations iyswim?), esp as he will now be missing his evening with DS tomorrow night - obviously he has better things to do than to try and rush back to catch a glimpse of him as he would have done in the 'old' days......Many thanks for the mothers day wishes!! Hope you (and everyone) has had a fantastic day.....

PS: Fantastic mothers day here - DS and I had brekkie in front of Peppa Pig....then we went to a local market (bought myself some lovely tulips and sticker books for DS), then back to a very good friend's house for a picnic lunch and playdate. Nap (me = ironing, washing etc) then out again for a walk and then dinner, bath, bed. Am shattered!

love to all,
X

Doh - meant to add, this detachment (done properly) is great....sorry that I am coming so late to this realisation, but it is very, very good for the soul. Tough at first, but, now, at last, I can see the real benefits of doing it (just wished I'd done it properly/stuck to it the first few times I'd attempted it!). This time last week I am 100% sure that I would have sent an angry text to the ex this morning, berating him for lack of a mothers day card this morning, but, I think the detachment is making me care a lot less and actually thinking 'can I be bothered?' when it comes to contacting him or getting any contact from him......Ditto for him not being around tomorrow night - though if he starts taking the p* in the future with his 'work commitments', I will have to set him straight on his responsibilities (i.e. no swapping days round or asking to collect DS on my days, just because he wont be seeing him for two days - again, he doesn't seem to bat an eyelid about not seeing DS when he is in the US or visiting his folks). Still a rollercoaster ride as recognised by Ironwilledmama, but, really, I am determined to follow through on this.....!!

So - for anyone else struggling, get yourself detached as recommended by one and all and you will start to see the difference...

Dee,

Happy Mothers Day

Just wanted to say you sound so much stronger. Glad the detatchment is working - keep it up girl!

I identify exactly with the Mothers Day card thing, got one from H and would have stuck it straight in the re-cycling bin only he got DD2 to write it, (have stuffed it behind the gorgeous ones that the DCs made for me at school (so much nicer don't you think?).

Take care x

Dee,

It's not surprising you had a few tears this morning and yes I would have felt angry at his card through the door too.Yes he's a horrid, vile man, pity the ow. But I am sooo pleased you feel detached enough not to show him you're angry. You probably don't feel it much these days but Solost is right, you are sounding strong. Detachment is good isn't it, and so much healthier in this situation than staying engaged in his drama. That sounds like a lovely Mother's Day and you are clearly a lovely mum.

P.s Forgot to say yesterday, well done on not taking him up on his offer of going to the park.

And so the crash and burn begins?..Got an email from ex this morning asking if he could see DS for nursery drop-offs and pick-ups on Tues am & pm, Weds am & pm and Thurs am (he is off to introduce OW to his folks on Thurs pm so not around from them until Monday morning). Justification for this is that he has hardly seen DS this weekend because of my request not to see him on Mothers Day (knew he would be quick to throw that back in my face) and because he couldn?t see DS on Saturday pm (between 3.30pm and 6.45pm ? as DS had a playdate). I wrote back saying that I would like to stick to the plan as is ? hardly my fault that he has made himself unavailable tonight, when it is his night to collect DS and spend time with him and ditto for him choosing to spend the weekend in his hometown introducing OW to his folks??.I then made the fatal mistake of calling him up (bad, bad move ) and tried to explain. Then realized he was on the train and that OW was sitting next to him. He started shouting the odds to me (after he had moved to another part of the train). Told him to ?f**k off? and put the phone down on him though said I would be calling his sister to get her to have a word with him as sick of his attitude (another bad move?.am obviously on a roll).

Feel so very, very sad and angry with myself (very angry) for getting myself dragged back into this mess and ? yes, it is a big, big drama?.. It feels like crap to know that I have got ?involved? with him again. Why does this keep on happening?.?? I just felt so irate that he could dare to fling back to me how he was being deprived of seeing DS, because I had made one request for Mothers Day yesterday. I guess, I can see that all this posturing crap has been heightened since I asked him to have strict days for collecting and picking up DS from nursery and taking him back to his place (what, 3 weeks ago?). In the first week, he had the luxury of taking DS to nursery every day (when he was actually here as since I have been working there has been at least one day a week where he hasn?t been able to meet his obligation for some reason or another) and coming round here, which I realized was impacting on my time with DS as I was actively trying to keep out of ex?s way?..And his big thing now is that because DS is not staying overnight at his as yet (he didn?t even have a bed for him until last week!! And he is now throwing this back in my face that I didn?t want it to happen, when what I actually said was that he should start to DS over for naps first then an overnight etc etc) that it is not fair that I get to see DS every day and he doesn?t. Even though he left the family home and has been gallivanting around the country/Europe/the world for work and personal/social reasons?..he wasn?t much fussed about not seeing DS on the Sunday after he came back from 6 nights in the US as he suddenly had a rugby match to take some customers to?..To be honest, now, I am happy for him to have DS overnight (when OW has gone back) as could do a break and he can have his share of 5.30am wake-up calls. Will he see this as me caving in, or start boasting that he was right as I am now ?conceding? on this?

I have now emailed him back to say that he can see DS tomorrow, so all this nonsense and letting him back in to get at me, has been for nothing?.so pissed off with myself. But just want to try and get back to how I was feeling this morning before he emailed me. I don?t want any further contact or nonsense for the next couple of weeks with this woman on the scene feeding his ego.

He is no doubt now regaling her and everyone about how I am a mad woman and how he has had to put up with this for ages now, and see, wasn?t he right??..I really, really hate him (and not impressed with myself at the moment).

So much for my positive state of mind?..

((((Dee))))

Don't knock yourself sweetie. You were bound to have a few moments what with everything that is happening this week. You know his family are so fucked up and wankerish that she is going to fit right in and they will love her.

As you have said he can see DS tomorrow now stick to that.

Then get yourself back on your plan. These are just little pebbles now you are tripping on, the road will be smooth in the end.

Rather than wait for him to bring up DS staying over again. Drop him an email saying now he has a bed, how about he has DS for Sat (when OW has gone back) for a a few hours longer than normal which incorporate a nap and see how it goes?

Stay strong!

Dee, it would be impossible to always do and say the right things, let alone when you're under such emotional stress. So don't be hard on yourself - you're constantly being provoked yet you're holding your own and moving forward.

And don't give a shit about what he'll be telling everyone. The people who know you and care for you - in other words the only people who really matter - well, they know the truth and he'll just look like a tit for trying to justify his appalling behaviour. So there .

Am back......managed to recover the rest of the day after crapola morning....decided that I would try and push all thoughts of himself away and remind myself of the energy and release (well, a bit) I had been feeling up until this morning.....

Xales - ex's sister wasn't too bad on the phone, but I think I need to wise up to who my true support group are (so my regret is that I opened up to her, but really, at the moment, I was so consumed with ex's blatant inability to see anything other than his own 'glorious' side of things....though of course, dont think even she can make him see sense and do the one thing I ask - just treat me with a bit of respect as the mother of his (as yet) only child...). Ultimately, she is ex's sister and she wants him to be 'happy' even though she has said in the past that she thinks he is in a dream world and no-one thought it would get this far....kind of suspect that his family are all cowing from him and scared to say anything in case he goes off on one/falls out with them (guess that could happen?!). Thanks for the positive vibes!

Great minds things alike (cant remember the exact saying - too tired!)! Have already suggested that DS stays with him weekend after OW goes back to her cave......that is the easter weekend, so will have to divvy it up with him, but am getting more used to the idea of DS staying over with him and -gulp- having to meet the crazy OW sometime after/in July.....though as some wise people mentioned ages ago, I will try not to mull over this too much.....But yes, he can find something else to moan about (and he probably will....).

100 - yes, you are right and huge thanks for the lovely words. Shouldn't give a toss what he is saying (though it does irk me that he has the gall to tell people that I know as well that we have been having problems for ages and that we have been arguing and he has just 'left'....seeing the shock on some of these people's faces when I tell* them the whole sorry saga of the affair and in particular events of NYE is an eye-opener....Ex seems to determined to maintain his Mr. Nice Guy image, it is unbelievable....

seachange - I'll get there! Going to get back on that detachment horse from now on in and will just work harder to climb this (sometimes) tricky path....

But rest of the day has gone okay - even his annoying call this afternoon to speak to DS as he couldn't do his turn of nursery pick-up and play as he was busy in London (sounded like a bar or similar from all the voices in the background). Resumed my usual handover of the phone to son who wasn't really interested in talking......ho-hum....

Am trying not to be drawn into re-telling the whole saga all over again, and doing a very abridged version with those RL folk that I feel need to know (esp the people that knew us as a couple as he is basically re-writing history with his nonsense), though as 100* says, in the end/long run, as these people are not particularly close to me, then it doesn't really matter I guess.

Solost - and similar (belated) mother day wishes to you too!!! Yes, card from DS/DC are so much better and will defo be going in the keepsake box. Hope you had a fab time....Hope all is going well with your detachment from your H (popping onto your thread daily).

Ironwilledmama - slight slip up today (to say the least!) but back in the detachment mindset and filling my head with other more important things that him/her/them......I really dont know where I would be without the kind support and fantastic advice that you and everyone has offered on this thread and also on all the other cheating/affair/ex threads - well, I do actually, probably still pandering to ex's every whim and hanging out for any comms from him etc. I have been so inspired by the power of MN.....thank-you.....

X

"it is not fair that I get to see DS every day and he doesn't"

Whose effing fault is that? Who cheated on his fiancee and mother of his child and has now left the family home for his new pathetic "romance"? Who went back on all the life plans the two of you had made together? Who left you in the lurch and forced you into a situation you never envisaged and would never have chosen, whereby you have to share your DS instead of both living with him? Who is the one who keeps messing with your head by giving you weird mixed messages after dropping his bombshell? Who is the one who frequently finds things to do that are more important to him than seeing his son? Who is in the wrong here, and who is the victim?

Please try and re-direct your anger to him, if you can, Dee, because he is the one who deserves it, not you. He has not been remotely "fair", not for one minute, and he's a wanker of the highest order for giving you this shit. (I don't mean get angry with him directly, I mean in your head, iyswim.) His behaviour has consequences, and one of the consequences of leaving your partner and child is that - big news - you won't be able to have the same domestic life with your child that you had before. He should have thought of that before he tore up your life together. But he really does want to have it all ways, doesn't he?

You cannot possibly be expected to cope with all this and be put under this kind of pressure and keep calm and detached all the time, you are a warm, feeling human being, not a machine. It's not your fault, it's his. Everything in your life has been turned on its head in a short space of time; that's huge stuff to deal with and you cannot be expected to just sail through all these transitions with nary a blip. You are doing brilliantly, and people on here know that.

I still think that really good legal advice/representation is paramount here. You cannot rely on his goodwill and reasonable attitude to sort things out between the two of you because he has given you ample evidence that he is not reasonable and is not acting with goodwill. I know you weren't actually married but the law was changed a few years ago to give more protection to people in your situation - OK, I have no idea of the ins and outs of it tbh, but I think a really good family lawyer experienced in negotiating separation agreements for unmarried couples is what you need and to start letting the communication go through those channels instead of this back and forth with him, where he still gets to destabilise you, bully you and generally impose his obnoxious self on you just as you're trying to create a new life for yourself.

I appreciate that that is hard too - you can't just wipe out all the feelings you had for him overnight and it is totally normal if there is a part of you still hoping he might come to his senses, and not wanting to distance yourself from him too much. But if you can put it all on a more formal footing, it will give you that bit more breathing space to deal with it all in your time, your space, your way.

Hope you can be a bit kind to yourself. And less kind to him

x-post with yours Dee! Glad to hear you're doing better now!

Dee, everyone keeps saying you are doing really well for a reason, it's such early days in such a difficult, draining situation. Of course you will have time's when you are openly angry and emotional with him. Its to be expected, the worst thing about it when it happens is that you give yourself a hard time afterwards, I was exactly the same.

When he's doing his poor me I didn't get to see ds today act, just be consistent, like a broken record. Of course he can regularly see ds but he will have to work around you and ds not the other way round.

When I read about your interactions with him I feel angry on your behalf, taking ow to meet his parents, yuck!

Have you got anything nice planned this week ?? Hope so, even something simple, this is the time to be good to yourself and treat yourself more than ever!

I am another one who thinks that your ex should not have DS when it just suits him and when it is convenient for him. There is being reasonable and being reasonable.
Small children need structure and routine. The poor little chap has already had some of the structure in his life eroded by his father he cannot be allowed to dictacte his random ideas on access. Yes their should be flexibility but your ex has to fit his access around DS and his life not the other way round.
You are his primary carer its your call!

Hi - happy to report that today has been a LOT better. Managed to see through the whole minimal contact/detaching thing, even when ex was here (in my house/old family home) to see DS as wont have DS over at his house whilst OW is over visiting.....He did try and engage me in some nonsense talk around DS (going on about the card he had bought me from DS that wasn't visible on mantle piece - oh well....and asking me about a spa break for a MD pressie (what?!) and what 'dates' I would like to book......hmmm, last time I checked, he was moaning about us paying from the joint account for sky multiroom and cant you buy open-dated spa breaks - if he is ever intending to get that, seriously doubt it and that its just a ploy to impress OW and show how 'nice' he is to me even though I have caused him such un-happiness (she does think he is amazing and she is so, so lucky to have found him)).

oldwoman - thanks. I do need to grow a bit more of a backbone I guess. I have become so used to him battling me down when it comes to any points of discussion. So, I should have seen how unhappy he was (and apparently how unhappy I was), this isn't all about me, I shouldn't personalise everything, he doesn't love me, his feelings for OW are so great/fantastic/life-changing etc....when I try and respond to this, he just comes back at me, so my approach now is the detached mode, but I just need to dig a bit deeper from some strength and courage.....I do agree, that I need to make more of a point of all of this from DS' perspective. How come ex can bemoan not seeing DS on Mothers Day and yet this weekend he will be away Fri-Sat (missing DS swimming lesson that has usually been 'their' time') and not seeing DS from Thurs morning through to Mon evening as he would prefer to parade OW to his family and friends back home? I am of course expecting him to start bewailing how much he will/has missed DS due to his weekend away and to ask to see him on Thurs evening and possibly Mon morning (depending on their flights I guess), because of course I should accommodate him and his flaky attitude.....I am just bewildered that his family and so-called friends (and even the supposedly 'caring, nice' OW) cant see through this....?? Will defo tell him where to go if he asks - ditto for any idiotic calls whilst he is up there having cozy family time.....

Ironwilled - as always, thanks for the support and encouragement. I am still a bit, confused with the whole 'meet the parents' thing....I have no idea why it is happening and have stayed out of it all as not really interested (though I do wonder/fear even about DS if he ever has to go and stay with this people - how they can so calmly and without any stance, accept this person and that's that?! Of course, I have no idea what ex has told them about us, though totally expect that he has demonized me to the hilt and continued to blame me for all the ills of the world.....ho-hum). I think I would feel so much better if I had my own house as well as the whole house sale (or lack of) is making me slightly nervous, esp as I have no idea how far ex is prepared to go with this fantasy life with the OW before he/she/they gets a dose of reality.....Will have a day trip or two planned (and without the silly regime of being available for a forced phone call at a certain time - I do like it when ex is away .....)

Agent - thank-you!! I said more or less the same thing to ex's sister about how it wasn't fair that I was dealing with this crap and nonsense whilst everyone close to him is aiding him in indulging in this nonsense....just got a stock reply, so am obviously talking Japanese as always....I think you are right (along with others), I do need to go back to the solicitor and talk through the whole access/parental responsibility thing properly. Ex is very manipulative, so need to protect DS and I (on the day he came back from US over NYE, he re-inforced his 'i still dont love you' mantra, dropped bombshell that he had been seeing someone and it was serious, wanted to be with her, oh and can we put the house on the market asap and wanted to discuss access for DS, batting down my bewildered suggestion of 1 night a week and every other weekend - dont know where I got that from as he literally just sprung it on me, but apparently, he wouldn't be able to live with only seeing DS 1 night a week.....gosh, I was a right mug in those early days....). You are right, the whole affair mess is his fault, though he has spent the last 12 weeks telling me that it is all my fault and I did half-believe him in those early days. Not so much now, but he did really have me confused at one point......I seriously think he has convinced himself that he is the innocent and injured party here - in that he was forced into having an affair as I wasn't meeting his needs and how he is suffering now as he has had to give up family life with his son, but hey, he is very, very happy now......

Have been reading the Frank Pittman 'Private Lies' book - such an interesting read and reinforces all the good and inspiring messages that have been shared here. At one point started to feel a bit sad/pity for ex if all of this has been for a romantic ideal of falling - quite literally - madly, in 'love' with someone and chasing some overly dramatic high.....very sad indeed...though it does make me more determined to live my life 'well'....

" Told him to ?f**k off? and put the phone down on him .."

Is that all??? Give yourself a break Dee - at one point I screamed in the street - literally a full-throated scream of intense anger and frustration. NOt a great move on my part I must admit but the stakes were high and the manipulation out of this world...

...as with your shit bastard ex

what a c*nt to manipulate you about mothers day. Dee, he must have been like this before but you didn't see it?? Just wondering..

You can't expect to get your script totally perfect overnight Dee. What you have been through, and are still going through, in the last few months beggars belief, and yet here you are, standing tall, keeping it together - you are a trojan my dear! The advice you are getting on here is also inspired, literally dropping from heaven imo, in your hour of need.

ps I put the * in so as not to offend you - but he really is one.
pps I also smashed up a fair few phones... (to the point that I replaced them with cheap phones because I knew they wouldn't last long)

Hi Dee, lurking on your thread, Frank Pitman book excellent keep with it and it will explain an awful lot about the type of affair your ex is having.

Hugs to you and keep strong and detach as much as possible, it really is the only way forward, I didn't listen to all the good advice about needing to detach and I really did torture myself un-necessarily.

Keep strong Dee. I think you are doing brilliantly. If his family are anything like mine, I'm afraid they will be all too forgiving/nice to your ex. It sucks.

My uncle had an affair, with one of his wifes friends, and had three children from his marriage. Needless to say the marriage ended. Although my mum knew her brother was in the wrong, and was very upset with the hurt he'd caused, she accepted him and the OW as a couple. My mum's attitude was that she loves her brother, and decided to support him no matter what. My mum is still friendly/very much likes my uncles ex-wife, but it is awkward with them as ex-wife knows where my mums loyalty lies.

springydaffs!!! Your response is one that I have had from a lot of people (that the worst I have done is rip up three photos of the two of us - note, not just him! and scratched him by accident when I was grabbing for his phone, after I caught him phoning her one evening from his nice cosy home office.....). He is so manipulative though that to be honest, he is not worth it.....(after the slight scratch incident, he took a photo and at the time, said that OW would phone the police - from US - if he didn't check in with her every 15 mins.....that does make me angry, that he was willing, even in those early days to indulge this woman and her madness and potential to have the mother of his child arrested; though think the police would have told her where to go tbh). I also agree, he is a totally arse, c*nt, etc.....and it is all becoming clearer day by day (I am starting to tell myself that I have had a lucky escape from him and a future tied to him). And the advice on here is as always, amazing......

I intend to take up kick boxing to fully vent - though off to Zumba tomorrow lunchtime.......

romneymarsh - yes, it is an excellent read! So very helpful and certainly making me really believe that he is on a course all of his own making and design, which re-inforces my need to move on.....

Talking of which, friend came over last night, had some wine, she left her car here and got a cab home. Ex came this morning to get DS for nursery run and saw car and flat out accused me of having someone in the house! Apparently, I was implementing double standards (he is obsessed about introducing this woman to our son). Just told him that I had a friend over and that was that. He went off, but called later and when he heard the TV in the background asked me if my friend was still there - muppet....

And for all his protestations about missing DS and cant bear not to speak to him (recall Mothers day drama and drama of Monday morning), he has not even bothered to call this evening to speak to DS. Usually, when he is by himself (i.e. OW not here) he is obsessive about his 'rights' to phone DS am and pm every day when he wont be seeing him in the am and pm. Funnily enough, he has forgotten that today as we didn't hear a peep from him (yippee!!). I think that he has gone to his hometown today and taken OW with him for the whole family/friends introduction...I am slightly peeved about the whole cosy family set-up, but then I do think thank god that all that crap is OWs business now....I just so wish that DS didn't have to be involved in this melodrama being played out......

oohlaalaa -it does suck doesnt it?! I think that he has most certainly gone to his hometown with her today. And can just imagine the fun they will be having (though trying not to dwell too much). Meals out as a foursome without having to worry about childcare, celebrating ex's nephews birthdays (he and OW do have awesome timing when it comes to parading their love on significant dates.....)....how did you get through it? I am resolved to just pushing it to the back of my mind......

Well, update...he has just emailed. He is 'sorry' he couldn't call to speak to DS as he was in the car and didnt have the opportunity to be alone (heightens my thoughts about him taking her 'home'). This has been one of my bug-bears (her being in the background - have even heard her coughing/clearing her throat when he phoned to chastise me for going round to his house to get my clothes horse/airer thing during 'birthday-gate'), so may let him off for that? He now wants to phone before nursery run at 7.30am 'if thats okay'.....hmm, this nicely, nicely stuff is a bit un-nerving (even more un-nerving is the fact that I have now got to the point where him displaying some common decent respect, makes me think that he is being overly nice......good lord). BUT.....

He then asks me what my plans are for the Easter break?!! After I said to him that I would prefer that we discuss this when OW has gone.....I suspect that he, OW and his parents are having a gas about how perfect their little set-up would be if DS was there too....and, oh, what about the two bank holiday weekends??! No way is he dragging DS up there.....nor am I ready to just hand over DS for the first long bank holiday weekend for ex to play with (I can guess that he will invite his parents down to stay with him instead when I tell him where to go in terms of taking DS away just yet). Am I over-reading this as a curveball/bit manipulative? I intend to keep my detached resolve....could feel the anger rising when I first read it and was ready to shoot off a reply, but will leave it to tomorrow or Sat for a more considered response, or I could do as he does and just not bother replying for weeks on end. I certainly wont rise to the bait about Easter just yet.

Dee thumbs up for the kickboxing ,my babysitter couldnt make it this week but i took the kids along ,just thought id wing it and they did colouring in.If i ever needed to go to a class it was this week after the weekend I had x