Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

springy - he would most certainly wait for me to buy/settle down first, though this could be an exception as he may want to buy his own place/make roots once they are hitched (and instead will just keep asking me what my long-term plans are - 'nothing to do with you, thank-you very much'). Think plan will be to rent for now (and just take a hit in terms of expense etc) and see what the lay of the land is in say 6-8 months. I also got wind of a list of internal job vacancies in my current company today. I dont get to see them at the moment as still on probation (ughhhh!) but, was very, very uplifting to see that it could be an option to move with current company - though other main office is in Hampshire, so would need a hefty uplift in job/salary to move there (though Reading is not too far on for there?!).

dolly - gosh, it really is just atypical behaviour.....it has been a constant grate on my nerves that ex has not spent one days leave with DS (and yet moans to high heaven when he 'misses' his access time and I can't be flexible to give him what he wants). It would not even enter into his head to take a/l for DS...oh yeah, that's right, because I was always the one who organised for ex to take a day off either just before he went off on a business trip or when he returned (and he had to ummm and ahh about that). Just another tick as to why we are better off without them I reckon....here's to you sipping those cocktails in the very near future!! . Ditto, hope that the re-letting of the studio apartment pans out. Thinking of you as always.

Sorry to hear about the pressure to sign the d papers - and esp on fathers day (again, shake my head in wonderment).

As for the baby possum on teh keyboard - lordy, what an adventure! I would have been peeing myself!

Oh a xmas meet-up sounds good! I am in the East (not South-East as mentioned above! Doh! Maybe though that is a sign for where I want to head??!).

missed the christmas meet up thing, I was so taken with your story Dolly. Yes, I'd be up for it

yyy

Hello Ladies

Dee - exciting your job has possibilities - keep your options open and do what is best for you and DS in the long run - whatever that may end up being. I am finding that ex's (am on old desktop so can use the letter x now - need to repair laptop) don't seem to consider that we exist as people anymore so expect us to do what fits in with them not our own lives - I think the UK is more flexible in terms of travel distances (I have to stay in the metro Sydney area - a bit smaller than central London) so he will have to fit in with you and what works for DS (which may or may not be being very near him - you will have to decide that).

Dee/Springy - I know Christmas is a busy time for all but I would love to meet up with the ladies that quite genuinely have helped save my sanity - don't know about you guys but whilst I think I was always appreciative of people before, now, I am so grateful for any kindness (in a world where kindness is stripped away) that the kindness of strangers that I have found on this post is so hugely appreciated and admired and I am in awe of. I will be based in West Midlands and London during my visit but very open to travelling as used to driving lots in Australia! - fantasy Dolly says we should meet for dinner drinks and cheapy night away (to faciliate drinks) but aware that may be tricky to pull off -I am game though for whatever option (if any) works.

So in my world, ex being arse (quelle surprise!). Latest is that between the two houses my set of DS swimming things (goggles, hat, suit) have been lost. Asked ex if he has and if not can't afford to replace so can we just share his set until I get more work. Enter huge drama where he accused me of losing them to get him to buy more (err yes of course, that is how I get my fun nowadays) and won't share his, says I have to find or buy more. Getting to the stage where am totally fucking over it. Clearly, his twice a month airline flights to mistress and dinners out preclude him from buying a new set of goggles if he isn't willing to put swim stuff in his kindy bag every fortnight. It really does beggar belief.

Date wise - random bankrupt property ex ballerina - honestly not sure. older than me (50), not my physical type (bit short, bit old), American (though heritage wise half Indian/half Sicillian) in shitstorm with ex wife of 7 years family court wise = hugely offputting in itself - and consequently not boyfriend material - BUT something vaguely there so today (after ok-ish fairly boozy date on Monday) after daytime coffee date ended up converting him to lover (ooh get me!). Not earth shattering but nice distraction and I'm trying on new 'hats' in my new life as always been a 'good girl'. See it as very short term thing though if that....he seems a bit keen but I think/hope in the same expedient way....will let you know. Not very excited about it but on the other hand quite fun to have a local 'lovveeeerrr' for a bit of fun. Gosh, I think I am giving you the impression am some kind of siren when if we meet up you will see the reality (worn off Botox aside)....

Anyway, better go to bed but hope the week has been kind to you all.

Dolly

PS Springy - I am actually trying to write a novel (not about me about but using my experiences of working in the City in the late 90's with a range of insane characters that are too rich in stories not to try and write about...so far going so badly but you never know!!)

Arrghhh - am fuming! After days (weeks even?) of relative peace and quiet, a small war of words has broken out. It stemmed from ex sending me an email saying that he had had estate agenst on his back regarding moving dates as buyers want things done asap. Not impressed that they contacted him as they know situation and also of course, ex already has his house so not a lot for him to worry about. Jist of email - they want to make sure I am not dragging my heels and when do I think I could find somewhere. Of course this was like a red rag to a bull. I mean, who the hell did he think he is. I sent a message back saying he should instruct the estate agents in future to contact me as I am the one still living in the house. Ditto solicitors. He then sent an email back (you can see where this is going.....) saying that they had contacted him. Funny that as then called them up and asked them why they suddenly started contacting him (we agreed that I would deal with them as still in the house etc). According to them, ex instructed them to chase what the progress was!! I then (stupidly called him) and asked him what the hell he was playing at as I had told him in person about the sale on Friday and then sent a follow up email on the Sat!). He then proceeded to deny that he had instruced a chase, saying they had called him....he then started blathering on about when he could come and move the rest of his stuff. I said, we can agree a day before I move out. He had suggested that we share a removal van/firm as, although he had left (a lot) of stuff in the garage and attic (he did not even go in there when he was packing back in Jan - bar to put his sticky paws on the fridge freezer and remind me that he has paid for the slimine dishwasher and tumble-dryer) he obviously had to move the remaining 3 seater sofa that he left behind when he first left! That was another red rag to me - sorry, but should I be grateful that he took a two seater sofa and an armchair, all the bedroom furniture from the second bedroom (kind bed, chest of drawers and two bedside cabinets) and other various house stuff to go and furnish his new house that he was setting up to play house with OW/new gf? He left us with one three seater sofa and the TV in the living room. Nothing else. I now wished I had just told him to take those things with him as they are now being thrown in my face as in he is saying that he did not leave them for DS' and I am kidding myself if I think thats the case..........

Cue a few more emails - about house move and the final one ended with this parting note:

'You need to stop listening to bad advice and move forward as quickly as possible. Having bile and other twisted commentary from [friends_name*] is really not helping you at all.'

• a friend who had commented on how pathetic ex was to take literally half of the furniture when he moved out in Jan - a friend who knows ex, so am kicking myself that I mentioned her name....very, very bad....but he did get me so wound up. This is the content of the so-called 'bad advice'. But friend is a ballsy sort of girl who would readily tell ex the same to his face so not worried about him confronting her, just that I said her name! Arghhh! Am always so, so careful not to mention names when dealing with ex on anything]

I am of course kicking myself (even more now) that my very emotional response has given him what he 'needed' in terms of evidence I have not moved forward.......I can just imagine that he will be glowing in the fact that I have not moved on.....I honestly do not want anything to do with the man, but can accept I have to for DS sake. But I do not want him thinking that I am sitting here as a sad case, full of anger and resentment at him and the new gf (okay, just a smidgen). But lordy, I have had no choice but to 'move forward' and this has mainly been forced at ex's pace. Now, I do not want to be friends with him, dont want to be pally with him and, through the occassional angry bout at him....I am gutted that this has happened today. I think it was the emotional trigger of the house (though am of course glad to be rid of it now). I really should learn my lesson.

His emails are also sounding very, very unlike him...not for the first time. Another good reason not to engage with him....again!

Sorry, just needed to offload!

Back later.....Dx

Just checked my post on Sat....knew he would come up with the suggestion to share a removal van/firm! And betting muggins here would pay for most of it.....I really do not want to see him on the day we move out as and when that happens (the cheeky so and so also offered to help on the day if needed as he would be 'more than willing to do so'...yep, just to make sure that I do move out and he gets his share of the equity deposited in his account that day - sorry, being mean, but how can he think I would seriously want him around on the day? Oh yeah, because I should stop taking bad advice and leaning on friends and just man up, move forward on this (quickly now, Dee34!). In his world, we would be like old flatmates moving out or something......

Need to do something to seriously unwind....(and cant involve choc or wine as been to the gym today!)

oh Dee he is a nobhead! just laugh at his pathetic behaviour and childish lies - and be glad he is not your partner anymore. I'm sorry you have to go through this - your last few posts have shown how amazingly hard you are working to think positively and sort your own life out, in the wake of the mess he left.

remember, he can't acknowledge he has done anything wrong or been an arse because his carefully constructed self justification would then crumble....so he has to maintain the belief that he is a good and saintly man.

also - just as you are getting emotional - during what is obviously a difficult time ie. moving - he probably is too. I am not justifying his actions, but Im sure he is getting wound up because of the emotional implications as well, and once an argument gets going then it's unlikely that anyone backs down.

Im sure that he knows perfectly well that you are being reasonable - in his heart - so just take strength from that. And dont feel bad for getting upset - it's always a few steps forward, one back - and you live and learn, each time it happens you remember why you are better off staying calm - and it will get more natural to just stay calm each time. then the circle works because he seems less annoying when you dont get involved in debate

its sad that it comes to this - and he is being pathetic - but stay strong, you are on the path out of all of this!

Hi Waterrat -many thanks for the very kind words.

Just typed out a long reply and then tried to post and got the 'we are offline' message...oh well. Will try and remember what I wrote...

I know I shouldn't beat myself up too much, but I do feel like I have taken a hundred steps back today. It has certainly taught me not to go there in terms of engaging with ex. The house has been an extreme trigger for all sorts of reasons - I am truly happy to be moving on, but, I am just getting a sense for how scary this period will be. I do feel like ex has just had all of this his own way that he does not want to really acknowledge or take responsibility here. Hence despite me doing everything I can to prove that I am moving forward, it is just not good enough for him. I don't think he would be happy until I was at the point of suggesting we all go on a family holiday to CP - new gf included. Sorry, rambling.....

Hadn't thought that ex may be in some emotional turmoil as well as we go through this process, so a good, timely reminder. He just doesn't seem to care (or rather show any sensitivity to the situation), though I can accept that this could be his way of hiding his emotions/me seeing what I want to see. I do have visions of him off revelling in the fact that this new dream life is all falling into place so swimmingly for him: the adoring gf moves over and in, they get to stay right where they are as they look for an ideal, dream property, they are both in the same ideal jobs, house is sold - not long after she arrives here, they are getting married, DS was introduced to her on their timescales, overnights will resume next week and life will just be great. Meanwhile, I am the one who looks like the ex who just wont move forward to catch up with them and fall into place and play my role (just remembering those early posts and how some people mentioned that this would pan out like a play/drama and I would have a role assigned......didn't really have a clue what this meant in terms of reality at the time. Needless to say, it is all crystal clear now). I feel like I have let myself down (and DS down) hugely by engaging with him in the first place.

I have also been harbouring thoughts that maybe, hopefully, one day, he would start to calm down and become more reasonable. I can see that he most likely thinks he is being more than reasonable,but reasonable to me is just about treating me, as the mother of his child, with some basic respect. In the early days, I used to drive myself crazy trying to get him to see his actions and words from my pov. He just was not interested - obviously. It wasn't until I said, imagine if your dad was saying this about your mum? Or your brother-in-law was doing this to your sister, or even if new gf was treated like this. Sometimes he 'got it', other times, I think he was just not bothered...too busy prepping for his future or just not on that page anymore.

Have had a glass of vino (just the one, as emotional as it is) and had a little cry - though this was more of a 'how could he' cry whilst I also felt sorry for myself by doing the whole 11 years together versus them not having even lived together for 11 weeks....And of course, had to see him today as he dropped DS off and will have to see him tomorrow morning, so no proper escape.

And to top it all, my probation ends in the next few weeks, so majorly stressful as I try and jump through a million hoops to secure that perm contract...

But, yes, I am truly, truly happy that he is no longer my partner.

Dx

Woke up feeling a bit more revived and better about things. Ex came to pick up DS and take him to nursery. No interaction ? just politely handed nursery stuff over.

Into work and have just received an email from him about last night. Basically, he is replying, in more detail, to his own email. I guess he has had a whole night to get even madder. But really, the points are the same, though most likely with some added input. He goes on (again) about how I should have bought my own sofa if it was such a big issue (yep, I should have done to avoid this aggrro). How this is the way things work. How I have a nerve to mention that he took the unopened crockery (I don?t want it back, only mentioned this after he banged on about how generous he was to leave me one sofa and a TV with a damaged screen ? he said he would let me have it after he came round one day ages ago and saw that it was broken. The screen is warped and it takes about 10 mins from turning it on, for the lines/distorted images to go away and even then, there are still some lines on the screen. If it was working, he would not have left it). So, more low-level drama. Simply replied ?Please do not email me again on this subject?.

I have no idea what could have triggered him wanting to drag this up/have the last word (when he got the last word yesterday!). Only thing is that this morning, DS was slightly on the drag by 5mins as he had said he was hungry so was eating a slice of toast with marmite. Had to ask ex to come back in 2mins (couldn?t let him in as was not prepared for that and have a lot of house/personal stuff in the corridor and he would have been checking everything out). Don?t think he was happy about that ? lord knows what he will be like when we move and I can unequivocally say that he has no right into my new home? Though I am half expecting him to come out with some lines at some point about how his maintenance is partly funding new house etc etc.

Anyway, off to view a house tonight! So that is a bright note on the (immediate) horizon.

Dolly ? sorry to hear about the loss of swim kit and the problems that your ex is causing about this. I have to schlep around various bits and bobs from bag to bag when I do a handover with ex. But hoping to buy doubles on some things when I can afford it. Sounds very childish in my opinion, esp when it?s a simple thing to remember to remove. So is your DS to miss his swimming on the weeks you have him? And he (ex) would be more than happy for all and sundry to know that the reason he is missing out is because it is too much effort to hand over swim gear???.but I wouln?t say that to him (I am the last person to be taking advice from) as will no doubt escalate into something else. Am sure there is a clever and insightful way to say this that someone ? wiser ? can advise on.

Wow ? well done on the dating front!!! Nice to have a bit of fun/distraction??I will maybe try my hand at updating my profile this weekend for Guardian Soulmates?

And defo keep on with the novel!

Take care and keep smiling,
Dx

Hi Dee, I have been lurking and commented a while ago, but I just wanted to add something to all the brilliant advice you've received.

When he says 'you need to move on and do xyz', ignore him. He wants power and it will drive him mad if you ignore him.

If he suggests a removal van, simply say 'no' and don't engage in a discussion with him. Mark his new address on his post and don't justify yourself to him. If he wants to act like a petty twat by taking the furniture, let him - I bet his OW won't be wild about him bringing furniture that he shared with you.

He is deeply manipulative and controls you by telling you you're unreasonable if you don't do what he wants. Instead of getting upset and frustrated, ignore him and then he will get frustrated instead. Don't give him any power at all. Any attempt to justify yourself or defend yourself suggests that he has the power and that you need to prove something to him. It puts him in the position of judge, as though he can decide whether your behaviour is acceptable or not.

Also, it's been said before, but this thing with the OW will not last. It's currently feeding off the romeo and juliet, we-must-overcome-terrible-obstacles-to-be-together high-drama. I guarantee once things have settled down, he will treat her with the disrespect with which he has treated you, and she will wonder why she thought such a petty, spiteful twat was ever so great.

By the way, just realised I gave really obvious advice which you are already taking, as we cross-posted!

I agree that the OW situation is a farce - but it might still last, I think sometimes people have to commit to a situation in order to prove to themselves that they made the right decision. I mean - it's laughable that he is behaving like this for a woman he hardly knows, turning his life upside down, completely betraying you and being a total nob.

Re his email this morning - maybe what's driving it is guilt - if he really didn't care how he treated you, he wouldn't bother replying. It must gnaw away at him that he has put you in such a shit situation - and humans are very, very good at self justification. The more reason to feel bad, the more some people turn somersaults to justify what they have done.

I think you need some calm responses as detailed above - stop trying to make him happy, or persuade him of your reasonableness and jsut do what you believe is fair and right. Stop expecting him to be reasonable. He is not in the frame of mind to do that - in order to be kind/ supportive, he would have to face what he has done and be honest about it.

Decide what you want to do, be fair - and then communicate as little as possible. If it still is tense, it might be worth sending an email saying 'I realise we have both been getting upset, it's a difficult time so why don't we both take a step back. From now on , no more discussion , lets just get things done.'

In terms of him living in a la la land of romance - stop imagining that! It is not a million years likely to be true - he has to live with the guilt of what he has done every day - and he hardly knows this woman - the whole thing is ridiculous. Dont let your mind wander that way....

I would advise you to move before the final completion day if possible. Don't tell him the date. It is far less stressful, and I believe you are moving into rented? I'm not sure he is entitled to the Sofa, and probably not as much furniture as he's taken, what does your solicitor say?
Do not share a removal firm (another reason to move early). You really should move on to no contact unless about your son.
BTW he is in danger of wrecking the chain by his behaviour, you might want the Estate Agents to warn him of this. We had a couple divorcing in our chain, and the only reason it didn't break is because they bent over backwards to make sure their private life didn't mess things up.

Just to add two what the others have said, there is no need for you to 'prove' that you have moved on. It really doesn't matter whether your ex believes it or not, and he won't believe it no matter what you do because that would mean he was no longer the epicentre of your life and in control and then his whole belief system would come crashing down. You can't win with these people - they're deluded to the point of being psychotic. He's a narcissist. All you can do is smile and nod and then do what you want anyway and have as little exposure to him as possible. This will be easier once the house is sorted etc.

If you moving into a rented flat until you have decided exactly where you want to live. Can you move into a furnished flat so you don't need any big furniture until you are settled so he has to move all th

If you moving into a rented flat until you have decided exactly where you want to live. Can you move into a furnished flat and only take want you want and need, so you don't need any big furniture until you are settled so he has to move all the bits that are left.

I think you should move out the day before.

Sorry about mispost ds pressed go before I was finished.

I think this nonsense about you moving on is all about him not wanting you to move on.

Thanks for all of the wise advice.

wellthastdoneit - agreed. I will stop replaying these things in my head as slowly driving me crazy. I guess he is feeding of any displays of anger/emotion I show him as a sign that I am not over it and a green light for him to chide me on my way to happyville where he is (am being sarky a bit here). He sounds like a crap pseudo self-help book at times - and believe me, I do love a self-help book or two. Obviously, he has not read the pages where it says that people can take however long it takes to get over something as its all at their pace. I do wonder how he would cope if new gf met a new bloke on the train one day and ran off to London.....? So yes, no emotion and keep on nodding/smiling and ignoring.

waterrat - hadn't thought about it that way.....In the past the cycle has been that we have a blow-up, he has the last word (or text/email) and I finally see sense and walk away. The next day, he then attempts to initiate conversation - usually by asking me some random, non-important thing (like, 'oh, found one of DS' dummies in the car, I'll bring it tomorrow' when he knows I have a stack here in the house or he replies to some long forgotten house/DS related email that I sent yonks ago). I ignore and then he tries again (usually), I continue to ignore and he gives up. Difference has been that this time, he continued the bad/negative vibe which was a twist and unexpected really. Hence, why my curt reply back before he took it to another level - esp as very wary of getting uspet/causing a scene at work now....Agree, they could be togeteher until their dying days, but my hope was more that he would start to come back down to earth a bit and not be so consumed with only his/hers/their thoughts and feelings and to start to be reasonable. But, of course, just writing this out can see that I am being silly to expect this....as said, he is not being reasonable and its silly to cling to the hope that he will do one day.

minimouse - yep, need to remind myself about keeping in control and keeping my distance so I dont end up frustrated. I agree and think he is wanting to control/direct this whole thing. I am always the one labelled as unreasonable and he is the one being perfectly reasonable and hence the judge and jury on me. Dont think OW/new gf will mind about using furniture we shared. She is (unless they have bought new stuff) sleeping on my old matress, using a bedside cabinet I chose (and lamps), using my old linen and towels, using my fridge, crockery, tea towels etc etc.......I honestly think that they have no shame - the fact that she has taken to running around the estate kind of shows that to me. They see/think that they have done nothing wrong, bar ex fell out of love with and in love with her (and her him). They have been unable to control it.....its fate etc....cant remember all the crap lines ex gave me in the beginning.

I do torture myself with them having some perfect romance. I think this stems from the whole humiliation of it all. From them declaring their relationship status on FB, before he even told me (they did this when he was in the US for NYE - I did not know he has this secret FB account). I feel like people must be saying 'look ex is so, so happy and he left her after 11 years to be with someone after only spending 7 nights with her. it must be true forever-ever romance'.....but, yes, need to put those ideas to bed. Will - hopefully - be easier once we are out of here....

My approach to ex will be along following lines (ideal scenarios permitting):

1. Move out of this house and into a rented house/flat (not fussy as dont want to break the chain now) before the completion date. I will move my stuff with my own removal firm and ex's stuff will be here unless he takes up my offer to come round on certain days before completion date to move his stuff. I will not be sharing removal firm or costs with him.

1. Will give ex a selection of days when he can come round and move his stuff. I will make it clear that this is about him MOVING his stuff. He wont be able to hang around here all evening/day actually sorting his stuff out (and even more of a nerve, filling up the rubbish bin!). He has had 7 months since moving out to come round, of which 5 months were when new gf was still in the US, so he had plenty of free time at the weekends....he is/was just plain lazy. I will not be reminding him about his post - they can figure that out themselves (funny how I am the one labelled as unable to move forward and yet he still has stuff here - he still thinks he has his clothes in his wardrobe and his bits in his bedside cabinet! Ditto, as he plainly has no intention of moving from where he is now, why has he not sorted out re-direction? His payslip even comes here......maybe there is something in an earlier comment about how he could have had in the recess of his mind, me/us as a back-up plan if things didn't work out or things started to lose their rose-tinted gloss.....hmmm.....

1. He can take the sofa.....mummytime - since the day he left, ex has been funny about what he has paid for over the course of our relationship. Nevermind that he is right now using the silver fridge freezer I paid for, and the brand new Denby stuff that he took (I - being an idiot - felt sorry for him when he left in Jan and let him strip the house so he had some stuff in his new place where he promised he would be staying alone with no contact with OW/new gf. He took bedlinen, towels, cutlery, even tea towels and toilet roll! And the infamous air-dryer/clothes horse. I was completely unaware that a week after he left here with his looty, OW/new gf would be here enjoying them all. I dont think he has any shame at all). So, he can take his sofa and whatever else - including the knackered TV. I dont want to live with the knowledge that he will be waiting to throw that back in my face.

Hi Dee

I've just popped in to say 'hello' and echo what the OPs are saying to you.

It strikes me that for a man who chose to leave you for his exciting new life (which of course is his fate, destiny, blah, blah....) he's spending an AWFUL LOT of time keeping in touch with you and he's getting terribly wound up by all the details of his life with you... which is over? (according to him)

Is his new life not taking up all his time? The OW must be pretty pissed that so much of his energy is going on all this discord. I agree that he is working through his guilt and its eating him up. He's getting a tad cranky about everything not going to his timetable. I can't imagine that OW is continuing to listen to his drivel about how wonderful he has been since they got together and how difficult it must be for him trying to get you to move on?

He has NO RIGHT to dictate to you how you should live your life now he has gone. OK you have the house to sort out and your DS - and your DS is in no danger so he needs to step back and realise that you are his main carer. Can he not respect that? Does he want his DS to grow up with all this argy bargy in the background? I think the whole business with the house and the contents is laughable. It really doesn't matter if you throw a few wobblies and get angry with him. Why not? Who cares whether its ammunition for him. You are entitled to be angry and have emotions. You had a child together and were close up until recently. Whether he likes it or not, he can't walk away from that without some payback.

Before long you will have moved on and he will run out of things to torment you with. All that stuff about your friend spouting bile. Bloomin heck, does he think your friends are going to sit around and sing his praises. He is seriously deluded with that attitude and I'm sure Springy has felt that is the case for a long time.

Keep distancing yourself from him. If he winds you up and you retaliate, dust yourself down and start afresh the next day.

From where I am standing, the only person who has not moved on is him...

Wonder how long it will take him to realise?

Wonder how long before OW realises she's got in tow with a complete tosser. Anyone with an ounce of sense knows that there are two sides to the story.

Also meant to say that I think 99% of your friends/acquaintances/colleagues/family will all be going at his loved-up state.

Some may think he's got it all, but most people will also know what he has left behind and the untold hurt that will have caused. No-one will say it to his face, but you can be sure they are all thinking it.

Anyone who leaves their child in these circumstances and behaves like a tosser to their ex-partner is scum.

He doesn't even have the moral backbone to treat you with respect and give you dignity. Its the least he could have done under the circumstances. It would have cost him nothing. That's what people will see and will not like. People are not daft.

Dee, you are well rid of him.

Hello - am back on the detachment horse now and enjoying the ride.

McNaughty - thank-you. Yes, I do have a right to get angry, but ex just cannot fathom this. I guess in his mind, he has really done nothing wrong. And this must be a shared opinion, else surely she would have stopped him and said 'actually, as madly in love as we are, you did have a family and realtionship with her for 11 years - be nice'. But ho-hum....I think the OW idolises him - she must have done to up sticks to move across the Atlantic to live with someone she was mostly internet dating at most (not putting this down - am on match.com myself!). Hence why I am sure they will fight out their love to the finish - which doesn't bode well for my hopes of things calming down, but I guess this means that I should instead focus on myself and my own path and destiny (moving away, career etc) for myself and DS and leave them to it.

He does seem to interpret my anger as some form of me not getting over him (as if). I would never ever take him back - and pretty sure he knows this, so maybe this is why he can be mean at times? He has tried paying me compliments - lost loads of weight, started to dress how I used to (although courtesy of Primark these days) and wearing make-up - but just bat them away. Funniest one was 'how come you didn't dress like that when we were together?'. Err, outfit was an old one from when we were together before I had DS and didn't lose the excess weight in time to stop his eyes from wandering.....funny in a way....

Ex was always the type of bloke to considered to be a nice-guy. He has been playing on this as he has re-told me that x, y and z (his friends or people he knows) think he is still a nice guy and that hey, things must have been oh so very, very terrible for him to have gone down this path. I know that he has been telling people his own version of the truth (had someone tell me the other day that he had told them that he knows he hasn't been an angel and that it is up to him to stop the aggro!! People just dont have a clue....). I think someone mentioned NPD before - not sure and dont want to analyse him too much as he is not my problem (though guess I would need to get a handle on this if this were the case for future dealings with him for the next 15 years.... ). I think he is more passive-agressive in ways. He was the type to sit there and have no opinion on anything (you choose, I dont mind etc etc) and then once you have chosen, he would find fault and say that if he had been looking/booking etc he would have chosen differently. Got this for when we booked holidays, shopping, all aspects of life. So glad to be rid of that.

But, I am starting to think less of what other people think, which was hard in the beginning due to shared friends, ex working at the technology park where I worked before (and hence knowing some of the same people) and me going back to the same park (different firm) for my current job. And the fact that we all live in the same area......I have felt huge, huge embarrassment due to ex. I wont go into details again, but from when he flitted off to SF for NYE, he started posting about their relationship and pics of them on FB (I was here, still under the impression that he had gone there to sort out his head and think about us, unaware there was someone else and did not even know he had a FB account. So all of his friends were aware of the situation before me). I honestly do not know why he did this - except he was/is caught up in the romance of it all. But she was not even living her and he had months to keep this under wraps for decency but chose not to. And then, when I started to tell people the truth in that he had been having an affair, left us for her after x nights, she was moving here, he had been unhappy since the beginning of time and I was to blame for all the misery,wars and curses in the world, it was 'why do you keep feeling the need to tell people our personal business Dee34?'............honestly.....must be nice to live in a world where you are above everyone else.

Anyway, had a lovely morning at farm with DS. He is napping, then off to see some houses (yippee!), then haircut, then another house viewing, then shoe-buying (DS not me alas) then tea! May treat myself to a couple of those cocktail in a can things that M&S offer.......esp if any of the houses come up trumps .

From some of the things you ahve been saying, I don't think your Ex knows his arse from his elbow. Sounds as though he has drifted through life with mosts things falling into his lap. He's never really had to address anything difficult and now that he is, he's using his 'comfort' tactics and they are not working. Partly because what he has done is dreadful (and he knows this) but partly because this is real-life, big-boy's games and you can't keep bleating on about your own happiness when you have dropped a bomb in someone's life, then blame them for being injured.

His record sounds a bit stuck, to be honest. Still giving you the same old grief about your own feelings while somehow feeling its OK to share his new-found happiness. Is he actually stupid? Or is he desperately hoping that this new romance works. So much so that he has to keep reminding everyone how wonderful it is. I always feel that someone's happiness shines out of them; they don't NEED to tell you.

You're right - keep detatching, don't worry about his well being or state of his relationship. All the stuff fomr your house - personally I wouldn't be too keen to be surrounded by my partner's old furniture etc, especially when he isn't short of money and it was chosen by his previous partner. Maybe he's still to enjoy the phase of her cleaning him out financially and controlling him?

The way that he announced the new relationship to begin with is heartless and cruel. It must have been unbearable for you. Looking back on it now, its a huge red flag. He's certainly not a keeper! His re-writing of his romantic history with you - who is he trying to kid? You have a DS together!! Did you magic him out of thin air??? What a dickhead he is to say these things to you. Most of it is transference and he is desperately trying to wash his guilty feelings out of his mind. He's tormented - thats for sure. Thats why you are getting all this shit.

Anyway, what I was thinking is that you actually have a wonderful opportunity now. He's stuck in his own script and has written you a part you don't want to play. So keep looking forward. Make your own agenda for each week and make sure you tie things up legally for the future. If needs be, communicate through lawyers and email. Don't get drawn into emotional moments with him. Give him a nickname, preferably a mean one, and keep it in your mind when dealing with him. (My DD was bullied at school and she always thought that one of the girls had a face like a fried egg - everytime she looked at her, she thought about the fried egg...)

Start writing your own script. Set some goals and you will then be able to start to work towards them. You'll soon be dealing with him like you would swat away a fly...

So, good news today. Think I have found somewhere for DS and I to move into. I am so keen to move away from this house now - its like a burning need/drive. New house is a bit over budget, but the landlords did come down a bit in price. Best thing is that it is not around the corner from ex. Hard to describe, but its on a different housing estate area, so ex would never have cause to come here/drive along unless he was picking up DS. Ditto, I would not have cause to go onto old housing estate unless dropping DS off or seeing a friend there. Ironic thing is that the house is in an area I wasn't even considering. Madly enough, I had been looking at houses not too far from where I am now, on the premise (or rather, hope) that ex would keep his word and move away asap, as he said it would be a priority for him and new gf. Obviously, he was economical with the truth as he is now moving in the near future and his weekends and evenings have been littered with holidays, concerts (she is in the music biz). I also noticed in his car* when he came for DS yesterday that there leaflets for houses for sale - which to be honest, was the path I could have/should have guessed he would take as ex is not one to 'waste' money on rent and he is still moaning about his finances.....

I do feel sadness for DS as we will be leaving the main home he has known. I feel like I have 'done' my sadness now, though expect the emotions to come to the fore on moving day (hopefully more relief and excitment at the time to come than lamenting the past). So onwards and upwards on that front.

Another step has been that ex and I have agreed that DS will start to sleep back over at his from this week due to my having to go on a course for my probation (had thought I could delay it, but cant). I knew it had to happen eventually and am wary of ex (and others) painting me out to be some psycho ex who harbours a grudge against him or more, new gf (the thought of having to cater to them kills me, but then I think that DS will have a good time with his Dad assuming he doesn't drag him to the train station as he takes new gf back and forth). I am keeping in mind that this is/will be good for me (will get a break to re-charge/have a lie-in) and good for DS (spend time with Dad). I am also keeping in mind what my sol said in that I need to make sure that I do what is right for me also in terms of agreeing on access and not feel bullied into things (think I already mentioned the trying circumstances of our 2 nights a week and every other weekend eventual plan?). I am also prepared for the floodgates to open now....

Am looking forward to toasting the new (exciting!?!) period that lies ahead for DS and I. Will use the posh champagne that ex bought back for me in early Dec last year (the trip where he first slept with then OW). He had bought me champagne, so we could crack it open when we got pregnant again with baby number 2.....yes, McNaughty, he does seem to be a tormented soul at the moment. But I need to remember not to feel sorry for him, or fall for any sob stories about how he is struggling with the access he has with DS now. Especially when he was on a high back in Jan, he said that he was well aware of what the implications were of his decisions (i.e. seeing less of DS in as much as not seeing him every day), but he wanted to pursue this relationship.

McNaughty - so very true about minimisng emotional moments with him. I was planning on meeting him today to talk about him having DS this week overnight, but my SIL (my side) warned me off that path. Instead, I sent am emotion free email (got her to read it over first and make sure I hadn't slipped in anything to cause an argument) and that was that. I did get an almost neutral reply, bar the mention that ex still feels he is not spending enough time with DS and would like to talk about this next week. I dont think he would be happy unless he has access to DS every single day.

Great idea about setting my own agenda and goals for each week. Will make a start tonight.

You are spot-on regarding ex and his ability to have things fall into his lap. He is the type of person who has been in the right place at the right time regarding his career. He is no great shakes when it comes to the corporate world as some people are revealing to me now. But he is certainly someone who seems to bounce from promotion to promotion, usually via moves from company to company. And yes, he has not had to deal with anything difficult, hard or serious - not as long as I have known him. The hardest he has had life is when DS was born and he had to do a few night shifts and get into the habit of giving me 30mins grace in the morning to have a shower and get myself ready for the day (and this was a strict 30mins in that he would actually come and find me and tell me that I only had 5mins or whatever left - and he was only rushing me so he could crack on and have his shower and then sit in his home office reading BBC news or catching up on latest sport news, even though he was a homeworker and after my 30mins I would effectively have DS by myself all day long without a break. And yet, now, he can get up at the crack of dawn to take new gf to the station and back, every single day - had a text from him at 6am reminding me about something to do with DS new nursery. I would get angry and point out the irony of this to him, but what he does now is not my business and dont want to waste the energy, but things like this do grate a bit).

Hmmmm - dont think I could repeat on here the names I have for him!

• Unfortunately, DS was not keen on going with ex yesterday morning, hence why I had to help get him in car seat in ex's car and hence saw the leaflets on the passenger seat...

sorry - just read my last post and realised that i sound very down and miserable! am actually feeling quite chipper - need to focus more on the positives and acknowledge and discard the negative vibes/thoughts.

am thinking about doing the divorce recovery workshop programme which starts in my area next month. seems to get good feedback and will be quite timely in terms of moving and also approaching the end of the year and the symbolism of that.

Dee, you are sounding more confident, less introspective. Of course you are not going to be full of joy when you post here and part of the beauty of your thread is that you can write all those little things which drive you crazy... and then that's them out. It doesn't matter which ones you hang on to; each time its less and less and you are moving towards something new, thats on your own terms.

The new house sounds great and I hope it works out for you. Remember that it he has NO SAY in where you move to, nor does he have access/information rights either. Take the sleeping over at your own pace. Its up to you how that moves forward. He'll have to find out what having a little one 24/7 is actually like. Your DS will be fine, but be sure in your own mind that you are ready to do it. It is still early days, so your solicitor is right in saying that it has to work for you. Its not about him. He made his choice. He has to live with that now, its not up to you to make that right for him.

Its interesting to read that he gave you the half hour to get ready when your DS was tiny, then he hassled you when your time was up. Funny how these things strike you when you are out of the relationship. Its another lightbulb moment for you... another step away from him.

When you say that he is thinking of buying a new house etc. Have you got the legal side of things tied up? Its so important for your DS that his future is secure financially. Your ex can talk up his future contributions as much as he likes but I am sure that the CSA files of non-payers are a significant proportion of their cases. Don't take his word for anything. Get his signature on paper so its binding.

His career has been aided somewhat by luck by the sound of it and I honestly don't think that he is the brightest of sparks, thats why he so readily quoted self help books to you. He's not really got a mind of his own. You really are in a great position to take the lead on most things. And you sound as though you have fantastic and sensible support in RL. That will make all the difference to you getting over all of this. Remember that he is still stuck in his fantasy life with his music industry bit of stuff. (He just can't believe his luck!!) He's still jumping through hoops to keep her happy so I guess she won't actually have met the person you knew so well for all those years. That's partly why you get all his crap - he can't behave like that with her so he has to have an outlet for it.

That gives you a HUGE advantage. You know what makes him tick so you can stay one step ahead, securing the best financial deal for your DS and a move away from him in your new home. Doing that course sounds perfect and I am sure that when you meet others who have been through similar things, you will realise that your feelings are completely normal and he is the one who is out of control.

Thanks McNaughty. It is hard to see the wood from the trees sometimes although I do feel like I can get stuck on something or I can be coasting along and then something will hit me slap bang in the middle of my head. Today, it was the connection that I was begrudingly given 30mins a day (at HVs suggestion) whilst we were together and yet suddenly he can find the time to drive 20-30mins each way to the train station no bother. It does hurt, and again comes back to whole lack of respect. But although I am not crying myself to sleep anymore, it is upsetting - even if it is fleeting......but, as advised will dust myself down again. And the 30min thing should have been another red flag (could write my own book on those now). Hopefully, I will be better informed for the future......

I am hopeful for the new house now - even though it is only a rental. It will mean a lot to me - first time since leaving for uni as a fresher that I have had to do this whole house hunting thing by myself and I really dont want to mess things up for DS. I am planning on getting some fish for when we move. Nothing exotic/complicated, but have always fancied the idea..

Re finance, there is not a lot I can do in terms of pushing ex to make sure DS is accounted for. He said he would look into his will after he announced they would be getting married. I have since found out that any ammendments to a will can be invalidated on marriage and he has not come back and said 'all taken care of'. I have gently enquired how things are progressing and no response. I have specifically asked that he files copies of his paperwork with his sister as a third neutral party. I have not asked for any details, just that DS is accounted for. Sol says not much else I can do bar continue to appeal to his 'good nature'. Ditto for child maintenance - finally agreed on an amount that is the same as suggested by CSA.

I really do need to harness some of my inner strength and resolve and take myself away from the mindset of being a jobless, single and about to be homesless single mum as life is so, so different now (though I am still single and a single mum). Can see that he may be using me as a virtual dumping ground to unlesah all his frustrations/real side. Yes, I guess he would never show this side to new girl just yet.......

Just completed form for the DRW....agreed, it will be good to meet and mix with others who have been through smilar situations and emotions, regardless of the reason for the break-up.......

Again, huge thanks. Your words of comfort mean a lot.

Night, Dx

Hello Dee Darling

Radio silence here as was away last weekend on Hen Weekend and my laptop is broken (remember the possum pee story and is being fixed) and my desktop is ancient and you literally have to turn the handle to crank it up (well maybe not literally).

Anyway very pleased that you have found somewhere and that you will be moving on in the real sense as well as metaphorically although not without its challenges on a practial and emotional level and I would imagine inevitably some sadness as well at leaving your family home. It sounds like your finances are more or less sorted but I would suggest - unless it is a done deal - that you take as much furniture from the house as you are able...your ex and his OW are both working, are able to work long hours and can surely afford some new stuff - whilst he may have technically bought a lot of it it was only as you were providing the child care and enabled him to continue in his senior role and it was a joint decision - as you say he encouraged you to take redundancy - so frankly he should suck it up. Sorry if this isn't helpful but every little helps until you are in a position to replace at your speed in your own time.

DRW sounds interesting - do let me know how it goes - not sure there is anything similar over here but will look into it. Hope things are calmer on ex front and he is not coming at you with his comments and emotional stuff which I know is hard to deal with.

A bit ho hum here. Housing market is catastrophic so will make big loss on house which am panicking about a bit as that was my nest egg and worth much less than when I moved here - hey ho - I know I will have to suck that up but it still smarts a little when I'm not going to be in a position to recoup it for some while if ever due to the reality of the hours I have to work. I am looking forward to physically moving on as this house it too big to maintain and I'm not super in love with it but - will probably sound like an arse here - it is a beautiful big house on the water and it is kind of easier to be depressed sitting on my balcony staring at the boats than in some shit hole that we will inevitably be in - plus I'm not even sure of what area I want to live in (all my friends in Australia are in my town/village but its not practial for work ) so the thought of moving is kind of terrifying too. He ho..will be at least after christmas now though so trying not to think of it too much and kind of having one last dance on the titanic. Ex is baffling at the moment. He moaned that I was taking holiday over on of 'his' weekends but as the previous w/end he is having son over night on Friday as I have a wedding I said 2 weeks ago did he want him for the Saturday as well - no response - followed up over last 2 weeks with 2 emails, 2 texts and a voice mail and nothing. I don't know how to make him respond and have no given up but it is infuriating that he does not have the courtesy to respond. Also re your FB irritation - my ex has kind of done opposite and has blocked a lot of HIS (not mine) old friends from seeing his profile....he was never really on there anyway but they are really shocked (apparently) and I think a bit hurt that he has done this - I think they have seen a bit of his true colours which doesn't change anything but does make me feel a bit better that other people think he is an arse too. I am still waking up every morning unable to believe it all though and am curious as to when I will feel differently - do let me know if this is covered in your workshop. Other than that, older lover ballerina property developer isn't really doing it for me - am trying to find him more attractive but kind of failing...I kind of like the flirty texts but less the actual dates!! Don't want to be that kind of person though for whom someone is better than no-one as have never been like that before but I think my problem is that I was never lonely before as had tons of diverse friends to hang out with and am now a bit cast adrift....hopefully someone lovely will come along for both of us in due course and in the meantime some mischief can be had.

Anway...I am not sure if I have posted this quote before but am thinking about it lots so may bear repeating - its Hemingway and he says ?The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.? I know that my heart is broken but I hope and intend it to be stronger in the future. I don't want to let this define me and make me a fearful person incapable of trust but that seems like a stretch goal at the moment but it is a goal. I'm not giving up (yet).

Huge kisses
Dolly

PS DS and I are off for a weekend in central Sydney this w/end - lovely friend who has lent me her holiday home is away and so we are going to see the dinosaurs at the Australia Museum - DS doesn't know yet - he is with ex overnight - so can't wait to tell him tomorrow when I pick him up from Kindy. God I miss him when he is away overnight and w/ends and irrespective of where my ex and i end up in terms of our parenting relationship in the future I will never ever forgive him for making me less than a 100% full time parent. I really fucking won't. Still did get to go to cinema and snarf a box of maltesers so not all bad xxx