Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Have calmed down a bit - will send him an email later on regarding things like haircuts and other changes to DS' appearance and how we need to agree on these things. I dont have a problem with DS getting his hair cut, more that he did not ask me, or even tell me....When he was here, he was not bothered about DS hair (I did first trip to the hairdressers by myself).

Anyway, I have been having far too good a time these last few days without being dragged back into his drama, so dont want to start now (shower has cleared the steam from my ears!). And I know if I give him the 'angry' response he will be expecting, he will be quick to let off that I need to re-direct my anger elsewhere, I need to get out of my anger stage etc etc.

So will send the email (not now - in next few days), make a note in my diary of what has occurred and be done with it. He can go and play games and exert his control over new girlfriend now (in fact, could take it one step further in email and thank him for getting this done, but in future let me know....).

PS: Just finished reading the Freedom Programme book - such an eye-opener to relationships and controlling behaviour. Going to make a start on the workbook next, but it has brought home even more the need to break this cycle of control (esp of my emotions) that ex thinks he has over me. Would highly recommend it. Right, DS finished his first brekkie of the day!

Very probably has. My xh did the same to my dd2's "never been cut before" hair. I cried for days. Is a control thing....I was so angry/upset/furious I probably didn't handle the situation well so no concrete advise...I remember stamping my foot rather a lot but feeling very much like he had done it on purpose to get a reaction/ prove I was a nutter/ re-assert his control when I had started to get tough with contact boundaries.

Please, please do not act until you are very prepared and calm....I'm still angry 6 years later....how dare he use a dc like this to score points and cause upset!!!!

Seem to remember Jude Law doing same and Sadie Frost going nuts to the press....is all about control and making you mad when you are starting to not comply with their script.

Keep on moving forward...I have been so impressed by your strength...a strategy I found worked for me was to write an absolutely stinking letter calling him every name under the sun...needs to be pen on a pad of paper as the underlining can go through several sheets...and then burn it.

Just please don't hand him back power by reacting upset and quickly.

Hi Darling

I don't know what anyone's 'rights' are re this (although remember Sadie Frost having a go at Sienna Miller when her son's hair was cut on a w/end away) but particularly if your DS has hair that needs a certain type of cut due to its type (sounds adorable by the way - can imagine his beautiful curls) I can understand why you are angry. I have asked ex to have my son's haircut once or twice (largely to save money for me and DS has straight forward hair) but he has not done so of his own volition and I would certainly be pissed off if he had it cut in a different 'style' to the one that he normally has. One of the hardest things that I am finding in this new world is that in my old life, I was the primary care giver and whilst we discussed things ex left everything like that to me and now in this new world - certainly in Australia - in our legal agreement when he is with DS he assumes parental responsibilities so whilst I would be mightily pissed off he would be in his rights to do it. I think it is a basic courtesy though to have asked/told you and without being a conspiracy theorist perhaps it was his way - consciously or not - of reasserting the control he thinks he has lost re contact and emphasising 'he is my son too'. Not of which helps you though darling and I would be very irritated too. I hope that your day gets better and he sticks to the NC guidleines.

As for me, well ex bought DS home from his w/end yesterday which is the first time I have seen him since the girlfriend/non payment of medical insurance/passport saga. He usually texts to say that he is here and I walk down the many stairs to get DS (we live up a cliff). He chose this day (of all days) to suddenly turn up on doorstep. I welcomed DS said 'say thankyou for a lovely weekend Daddy and give Daddy a kiss - then glanced at DH and said bye and shut the door. He then banged on door saying he wanted to talk to me about the house sale/agents. I said now is not a good time, call me later or in the week to which he shouted open the door. It is glass door and DS then started to say 'mummy daddy want to talk to you" so opened the door and said, lets talk another time now is not convenient, say goodbye and thank you to Daddy - to which DH started to use angry voice and said that I had to take some time to talk to him, to which I said, no not now, to which he started semi-yelling that he was trying to help and that I was a sad person. VERY angry that he chose not to listen to me (but not surprised) and again I am the anti-christ for chosing not to engage at a time that was not convenient to me. Familiar Dee? SIGH. (he also turned up in a 'new' VERY VERY expensive looking leather jacket - the type that cost upwards of $500 - again none of my business if he would pay the fucking health insurance, mortgage and kindy fees on time).

Randomly read the following today in a the Daily Mail (not a Daily Mail reader I hasten to add which was well said (in regard to Heston Blumenthal leaving his wife:

"[he is not the first to] suddenly shed his family like a wet coat. Never underestimate the hormonal folly of the newly-blinging middle-aged man, who suddenly finds himself an obscure object of desire among young and attractive women."

Quite. Hope your day gets better xxxx

PS Passports now returned!

ooh admiral cross post - funny we both remember the Jude Law/Sadie Frost incident!!

And I just read the Heston article.....thinking of rather bonkers book I read years ago on energy lines....weird...lol.

Sun is shining...am determined to get stuff done today. Strength and love to all on the path so many have followed...we don't all keep saying your life will eventually be so much better than you can imagine with no reason.

It's really rather lovely at the other side...you'll get here!

OK people. Not sure why, not drunk, not had particularly bad day but have composed my 'fantasy' email to the OW:

Just so you can put faces to the family that you helped destroy, here we are (attach picture). I think this was nearly a year after you and DH started instant messengering/texting each other in the middle of the night, but of course before I lost the two babies and embarked on IVF - half way through which DH left and headed for [City]. You know the rest - although possibly not the part where he made overtures to move closer together when you and he briefly split up.

I have no wish to ever meet you, nor will I email you again but I want you to be in no doubt at the utter devastation that the relationship you allowed to develop with my husband during our marriage has bought to myself and my son. I hope that does not sit lightly with you.

Regards
[Name]

Remind me of all the reasons to press delete. I know it will play into the hands of being nutty ex, I know it may make me cringe in the future but right now I feel like I have a right to at least one 'conversation' with her. I won't of course but it makes me feel better writing it down. I will delete it, I will delete it, I will delete it....she says trying to convince herself.....

Dee - hope you are having a more zen like day after this morning - sounds like you are handling really well - well done xx

Very polite....do not ever type it into any email account!

Is wonderful therapy to compose and express beautifully. That was def a sober post though, very careful choice of words.

I still stand by thick pad of paper and a strong biro!!! I remember writing "I hate you,you **" etc etc so hard once I managed to jam the inky bit through the plastic barrel when I was doing the dot under an exclamation mark. Was the first laugh I'd had in ages. I think psychologically the pen had turned into my sword.

Sober missives got best gel pens and lots of loops and swirls. You can draw all round the edges too.

Most flaming irritating bit is she will never "get it" ..but on the other side you'll just feel sorry for her settling for a twunt. (thank you whoever invented that word it is magic)

Lots more writing please people, you are doing great.

Unfortunately Dee if he has PR he is perfectly entitled to take your DS and get his haircut . He can actually go the day AFTER you have had your son's hair cut and get it done again if he feels like it.

An email will just be rising to the bait so punch the pillow and ignore, ignore, ignore.

Pick your battles carefully, what are you going to gain if you bring this up? He will say yes, yes Dee, pat you on the head and then just do exactly what he wants again while pointing to your email with her and laughing at you being all pathetic over a hair cut.

If you do want to approach this put it in the the sort of please check with me as DS may have pictures to be taken for nursery or I may have an appointment booked. Alternatively if it is a really crappy haircut ask/recommend a really expensive decent hairdresser for next time.

Otherwise just stick it in your diary as another pathetic attempt to get at you and spend the saved money on chocolate and wine (-:

Delete it DownUnder.

You are better than her.

As Admiral says she won't get it. If she did she wouldn't have shagged your H.

Yes, I understand the urge to send it, but you know you must delete. My fantasy email contains a line to the effect if never EVER forgiving her for her contribution in making me a part time mother to my children.

God, starting to feel the blood pressure rising now.

And when the blood pressure rises you write b and any other bleep you want with a pen held in a fist and attack that paper....lol am just remembering how I must have looked v crazy.

Though nobody saw so moral high ground retained and only quote attributable to me when stuff got yucky was I called her "that woman" ...once...!

I love that you are all moving on so well and you are so allowed to go absolutely crazy mad...just please do not do it within earshot/email/carrier pidgeon of the people who have made you so frustrated.

But let out that anger because it needs to go.

And moral high ground is a powerful place to be...

Not sure if any of you do any sports but I started doing a boxercise class when all this kicked off - the type with gloves and pads - very therapeutic when used with a bit of visualisation and cheaper than therapy. I did a hell of a work out tonight - the guy partnering me asked me if id had a bad day at work. Yep, something like that.

Thanks for the replies. Yep, totally understand that whole shared parental responsibility thing - hence, not willing to make a big deal of it. Definitely thinking along the lines of which battles to fight and tbh, have DS birthday party this week and tons of (fun) things to look forward to that I cant even be bothered to waste my time with him.....may not even bother with an email and just say it in passing..I think my anger is giving way to pure indifference (slowly, slowly - would still like to give him what for, for encouraging me to leave my old job where I would have been earning same dosh for 3 day week as I do now, full-time - and this (March 2010) was a few months after our 10th anniversary (going-out/engaged - not hitched) where my card from him gushed about the fantastic, lovely, wonderful 10 years we had had and how HE hoped for another baby in 2011! Found the card the other day - it is now in the bin ). Not sure he is/will be expecting the changing tide - I honestly think he liked this whole drama a bit too much - super demonstrations of their love and manically telling me how he didn't love, hadn't loved me - and he did this plenty of times when I wasn't even talking about 'us' or relationship stuff. Quite creepy as it made me re-read my email/text or go over our conversation to think 'what did I say?!'....

But anyway he did a good one and let me down again today. He was supposed to take DS to his second nursery trial from 1.15pm to 3.15pm, so picking him up from current nursery and driving him over....sent an email to confirm all the details as I had been dealing with the nursery (he was in the US on holiday when I went to visit and has not bothered to look around since). He comes back with 'oh, I have a call finishing at 1pm, can you do it. dont want DS to be late, but oh, I can pick him up after his trial and then take him back to mine for some play etc'. Knob. So I get to do the crappy part for second week in a row of taking him to new nursery and then having to slip away so he can get used to being left there and he gets the fun? Would have told him where to go, but (1) at work - and have spent far too much of my time in the early days irate and fuming (and all my work colleagues sensing this) and (2) I had a meeting myself from 3.30pm else would have told him to shove his offer. Instead, cool and calm and emailed him and said he had committed to doing this several weeks ago, in future he needs to block out time for DS as required and that he should get a diary/calendar system that works for him. I am now thinking that the handover book should actually be one of those page to a day diary (plenty in the shops now for new school year) jobs so he can take responsibility to check this. If he doesnt then his loss (and he cant blame lost email or emails not coming through - yeah, right). Anyway, refused to let him bring me down......

Dolly - would defo recommend the freedom programme books. You can order online, maybe get it sent to family here and then they can post on to you? Maybe not quite the right time now - but I have found this to be a really useful tool in terms of the stage I am at now (dont know if there is a name for it...enlightened maybe?!). Yes, defo do not send the email (know you have said this is not something you would do). And dont send any to the ex unless they are void of any anger/emotion. It will just frustrate you - trust me. And as Xales says, imagine him showing any comms to OW. Thats what guides my actions - mostly - these days, though have more than a few slip-ups on the way!

Ah yes, those conversations - thank goodness they are few and far between now. I have had ex on doorstep during handover looking all sorts of moods, from forlorn (accompanied with crappy compliments such as 'you look nice' 'like your outfit' 'wow, you have really lost a lot of weight' - said as recently as last Sunday. And he can say in the next breath that I have not moved on?!) to sad/lingering (as if waiting for me to say something - I just close the door now, but believe me, I used to fall for these crumbs and think - as Springy has warned - 'ohhh, poor ex, he has no one to talk to. lets listen to what he has to say'. Not interested now - he can go and whinge to his hearts delight with new girlfriend) to angry to positively crazy manic happy - and I mean manic, he looks like he is possessed when in this mood. You did good! And yeah, the whole 'I am skint, but hey, I can still afford to go on holiday/buy new designer togs and its got nothing to do with you and I am still a good dad' thing is painful the first time, but after a while I just came to expect the worst and the bare minimum at best with my ex. This is a man who as soon as new girlfriend rolled up on these shores in July was pleading poverty as he was having to eat into his tens of thousands of savings (for who knows what, but a slight coincedence, no?!) and yet was able to book holidays to France, another weekend break in Sept and who knows (or cares) what he spends on them/her day to day/week to week...?

So, busy, packed week. Friend from Scotland coming over on Weds staying overnight and girls night in, Thurs is DS birthday and my mum comes down and I have a night out with a friend for dinner, Fri my sister and her partner comes down, Sat we go shopping in (another) nearby, big town (ex has DS) - out for dinner with sister and partner and then Sun we have a joint birthday party for our NCT group in the am and then a small family birthday do in the pm. And need to do a bit of extra work in around all that and tidy up the house!

Admiraltea - It's really rather lovely at the other side...you'll get here! - this is what keeps me encouraged now and is a sentiment that so many have echoed here, on other similar threads. Time is indeed a great healer and I am learning to let her direct the pace here....

Dolly I did send OW a letter, very well put together telling her that I would always love DH and would always wait for him when their relationship failed. I also told her that our relationship had been full of love and fun and didnt understand why DH had done what the had. I probably should not have sent it but did and cant say I feel that I was wrong to do so, but ultimately it had no effect on her and eventually he did tell me that she asked if it was true regarding our relationship, he tells me he told her it was but I will never know as obviously he is a lying cheating man, that I probably never really knew.

So what Im saying is that it really isnt worth sending, put it away and one day you will come across it but you will have moved on and will hopefully be deliriously happy once again.

Dee well done, you are doing so well.

thanks ladies. sanity returned. actually thinking about it my soon to be outlaws still had a picture of soon to be ex's ex wife and him in family montage in their study (his marriage had been over for a while before I met him in a different country) so no chance of them taking down all of our family pictures which are all over their house before the OW meets them. Hah! thank god for insensitive in-laws in this instance so I can't imagine them taking them down before she visits.

Dee your weekend sounds lovely - I hope you enjoy it and have no more ex dramas to impinge on it. Three is such a lovely age and such a lovely birthday as they really know what is going on and he will be in his element with all your lovely family.

Ladies, again, I value so much the advise on her. you all rock. love momentarily sane Dolly xx

Send your letter/s - why should you/we care what they think? Why construct our behaviour to save face, to look good in their eyes? They are worth nothing, the shit on our shoes, so who cares what they think?

It is a human instinct to say your piece, as succinctly as possible, with dignity, in the face of tremendous injustice. I'm glad the thoughtless, selfish OW has that bit of info hanging over her head Romney, even if it is now obsolete - however, the most important thing is the relief and release it gave you. imo the sole purpose of how we behave should be for us, to help us to recover, not to look good in their eyes. imo, extreme behaviour in the face of extreme and cruel betrayal and treatment is par for the course - and? So what? We're human - sadly lacking in the evil pair - and we have a right to express tremendous hurt and shock. Trying to hold it in, turning ourselves inside out in order to 'look good' (in whose eyes??) is just torturing ourselves. It's better said or done with dignity as that makes us feel better but imo to hold it in, not say it, just so we look good to them is a travesty.

these men are turds, a waste of space; the OW simply not worth a moment's thought (except contempt). They are worth nothing. Don't bother making yourself look good in their eyes. If it makes you feel better to scream, then scream (as long as you are screaming for yourself); if it makes you feel better to send a letter, then send a letter. It's all about you - do it for you, not for them.

Springy I do agree with you as I dont feel I did the wrong thing or do I feel any regret in sending the letter, but I will say that most people told me not to send it. I will say it was a very dignified letter, his counselor said as he showed it to her as I gave him a copy so he knew exactly what I had said. Dolly, if it would make you feel better then send it, but it really wont make any difference, he will probably deny anything you tell her but ultimately do what you feel is right.

Thanks for that springy, you always make me feel so much better when I read your advice, and about them being turds etc, I totally agree. I really must clear my mind of them.

I think I luff you springy.

Dolly - how you doing today?

Springy - hadn't thought of it from that pov....I have - in varying degrees admittedly - been wary of ex and new girlfriend having a good old laugh at anything I would put down in a letter. And knowing ex, he would be quick to run around telling all and sundry that I haven't moved on, that he is so happy, blah, blah, blah...BUT, I do wonder if I should have sent her some sort of comms, just to plant a thought in her head. Did she really know that we were trying for a second child? Did she know what ex had written me in cards and emails and texts whilst carrying on with her? Even more recently, I wondered how would she like to be on the receiving end of an email or two forwarded on from stupid ex talking about his daily regrets and how he wished he had never gone to the US, how he was on a car-crash, how he wished he could re-do all of last year.....maybe she would never have made it over here and DS would only be going over to see ex and not ex and her on his trips there...I probably was too nice (thought to myself at the time, oh well, they can fall by their own sword, plus, was in a dodgy situation in terms of house, no job and ex being a financial bully), but yes, most definitely reeling from the shock of it all and not operating on all cylinders.....

Romney - I agree with Springy, even though OW did not care, I hope it is something that she ponders on a regular basis and keeps her unsettled (sorry, is that mean?). I hope my ex's new woman will constantly think about how she has to keep herself trim, how she cant ever get fat after being pregnant, how she has to constantly entertain ex in the bedroom department, how she can never become a dull SAHM, how she can never put any of her future DC first before ex, how she has to get on with the parents-in-law as ex's dad's influence is so extreme.....etc etc. Sounds like a bloody miserable life to me.

So, today was the big proper test. Ex saw DS this morning so should not have phoned. I did get a text at 7pm (usual time he would call) asking how DS was and 'guess I shouldn't call should I?'....I ignored and then 15 mins later another text '[local football team] playing at home '....?? Am guessing it is for her (she usually rolls up at the train station around the time he sent he as he is in a mad dash after dropping DS off). Just cant believe he can be so lazy so as not to check who he is texting first - am thinking, what if it had been pillow talk (ahem) or them having a dig at me? He has done this before - once....Half of me did think, wonder if he sent it deliberately to initiate comms and because I hadn't replied to his first text, but, really, he is not that clever......just an idiot. Will tell him next time I see him to think about contacting me via email only as he obviously has issues with texts.

Unless you are Dee in his phone and she is Deen then yeah I would put my money on it being deliberate to get a rise out of you as you are not replying to texts.

It shows you are doing a good job of ignoring. Keep it up

Hi Xales - hmmmmm, yes, he did not send another one last night (not even one to say, 'opps, sorry, sent you a wrong text just a minute ago'.....not a dickie bird). If it was deliberate to get a rise/make sure I know he is still alive, then its pretty pathetic. Everyday, I am getting happier and happier to be away from this man......girls night in (and frantic cupcake making!) tonight! .

oh and no, there are about 7 letters between my name and her name, though he does use a BB with all those funny text windows.

Text this morning - how is DS? did he sleep okay? - what is going on in his head?!! How can he say 'yep, agree to x, y, z' and then a couple of days later forget or most likely, do what he wants anyway? Wont be replying.....

idiot

oh darling. stay strong - it is so hard though and frustrating - ex now doesn't call or text but it took a while. it does make things easier though (again when DS is old enough he can call/ask to call anytime he wants but right now it makes for am much smoother ride for, I believe, both of us). In a weird place at the moment, quite peaceful but still incredulous. Like you Dee, my ex was so loving and send amazing notes and did amazing things until he left and became the antithesis of amazing. Still a head fuck.