Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

But Dolly, we won't know if you are pleased to see us or not (see, you wouldn't be able to make that face)

Only joking sweetie .

Yep, my ex had very short arms too Dee . So short, he paid a top central london legal team to make sure I didn't get a penny. he wasn't entirely successful but as he was s/e, he was pretty much successful. Ah well, there's nothing about budgeting that I don't know (got to be a silver lining in there somewhere...)

Springy. That has made me feel very but also very and thinking about it I probably feel more - wadda ya mean you can't tell the difference ; ) - actually I'm pissed off that this stuff is GOOD. I can imagine how you end up looking mental though as I only had a bit which has made me look less frazzled (wasn't bothered about my crows feet etc but had killer frown that didnt' go away and my son used to try and lodge coins in - I kid you not) so can still move everything around part of me is thinking ooh maybe more next time...

....nosey me asks what is s/e ?? probably being dumb.....short arms seems to be the de facto in 'this generation'....I have a few friends who are 10 years older where ex H's are hugely more what I consider appropriate in their financial arrangements....I guess a sign of the times that fractured families are par for the course (she says sniffily coming over all Tunbridge Wells for a moment).....

aw I'd have a bit of it if I could Dolly! I've also got a killer frown indent - I look like beethoven, kind of scowling (though i haven't cut the piano legs off just yet..) - to the point that I've grown my fringe to cover it. I used to like my forehead. hmm

s/e is self-employed. He made all that considerable dosh disappear into the ether, the shit.

ah well, he's dead now. ahem

Made a textbook error tonight....

DS started having a major crying episode whilst in the bath today. I tried to soothe him, give him space, asked him why he was upset - no response and then a few mins later said 'miss daddy'. This is the first time I have seen him like this (bar very early days after ex moved out). I asked him if he wanted to speak to daddy on the phone, he said no. I was pretty upset for him and in sent a text to ex saying that ex was crying for him, but didn't want to speak. I then spent the next hour trying to get DS to sleep. Finally came out and the text back was 'sorry to hear that. I miss him too. Would you have even mentioned this if I wasnt away just now'........

I realise that I let myself open for that and as soon as I sent the text, I thought maybe he thought it would be because he is away. Am not sure myself, but DS has not had a reaction like this and not stated his missing of his dad (and crying so much for him) to this extent. I of course then got upset by his response. I think I am massively tired, having to do the bulk of everything by myself whilst ex continues to be oblivious and go off on his journey of self-happiness and many holidays.....

Anyway, had a cry and trying to suck it up now. It was stupid to send the text - there is nothing he can do wherever he is anyway........

Sorry for short post - need to grab dinner....

x

Dee, don't beat yourself up about this. He's a prize shit and your reaction in sending the text is because you are a mother and you were reaching out to your ex on your DS's behalf. What you did was entirely normal. That text wasn't about you being petty, it was about the hurt your son was feeling. Its the same as a physical pain and would he have reacted the same way to you saying he had fallen and hurt himself? I don't think so.

You have done nothing wrong. You are tired and coping on your own, with the added stress of 'WonderDad (absent) who, as others have said, is putting all his guilt onto you. Ignore it and know in your heart that you are the best Mum in the world for your little one.

Ex is not there, he chose to leave his own child. When he did that, he lost the priviledge to have opinions on how you parent on a daily basis. His text to you is childish and immature. He doesn't have the compassion of a Dad. He's stuck in his own Groundhog Day where he keeps trying to get past the moment where he walks out and it feels right. He's never got to the 'feeling right' bit. That is as plain as the nose on his face.

Learn from what has happened. He's looking for chinks in your armour. Keep your communications brief and non emotional. You'll look back and see this as another of these turning points where you realised that the sooner you put legal and physical distance between you... the better.

Well to be honest.....

If your ex wasn't putting his selfish need for yet another unencombered by having children away with his mates and slapper holiday then your son wouldn't be upset and missing him.

Shame that he would rather use your love, care and concern for your mutual child as a weapon against you than be upset that his precious child is crying for him .

In the old days (not so long ago) this information is exactly what you would have shared with ex in a heartbeat: you are both his parents, ds was your shared project and you knew you would both drop everything in a moment if there was an emergency. Only now it's about ex, which is confusing. He failed that one Dee - but you're not surprised he has, only very disappointed. It was instinct to contact him - I did the very same when we had been divorced for years. I think that when our children are hurt we panic a bit, reach out to someone to help us through it or to go through it together. The obvious person to reach out to should have been his dad. Only it's about him... so confusing.

Horrid reply - you know he got the wrong end of the stick. It never ceases to amaze me how manipulative people make the assumption that they are being manipulated (I can't count the number of times I said to ex "I'm not like you"). You may have wanted to pop ex's bubble but very probably you were just so hurt to see ds so hurt.

Oh darling, have been there. Basically, its because he feels guilty, knows he is in the wrong but is irrationaly irritated with you for reminding him of this and therefore you become the one 'spoiling' things and being 'unreasonable'. The reality of his actual responsibilities on his carefree holiday probably doesn't sit that well with him so he is turning this on you. I've done this time and time again, each time said no more fuck him I shan't bother telling him, but then do as he used to be such a wonderful father that I think he would want to know and then remember that he did'nt want anything to burst the bubble of his 'other' life. Lots of love Dolly (who went on a blind lunch date with the shortest man in the world - nice enough but my legs were about 6 inches longer...NOT good at all) xx

I'm another one who's been there dee, remember telling ex when dd was upset re the situation and getting an almost word for word response. 'sorry to hear that', which sounds so detached to me and then making it about himself. Just see it as a learning curve, they feel guilty and can't face up to it so always blame someone else and yet will get annoyed if they are not kept informed of stuff. Detach as much as you can.x

Hi - thanks for the lovely replies. Spent the day mulling over ex and how he has changed so much (imo). He was never this bad as a father (in fact was quite good - am sure I have said this before, so sorry for repeating myself), which makes the whole attitude, responses and actions now really upsetting. I do get the whole 'he feels guilty and this is how he can manage it' thing, but, honestly, sometimes I do wonder how he can honestly, seriously believe his own nonsense....how can he seriously believe that he is putting DS first and that DS is his priority?! Yep, he takes him out on the back of his bike, to playcentres, out for ice-creams, to the park, but he also does not want to even broach the idea of DS having an emotions about what has happened. He has shown little to no interest in the 'hard' parenting things like deciding nurseries for when DS loses his place 1 day as week from August at current nursery (I had to go and see the new places by myself and make the decision by myself as he was on holiday/didn't reply to my email), not overly interested in DS' development aside from when to get rid of his dummy (not uttered a word of interest in potty training or sleep or his speech aside from noting that DS now has a - quite common - stammer) and no interest in primary schools (which is dominating my thoughts as having an August baby, I (and I guess I do mean I) will be applying for school places this autumn, so need to think about location, moving house etc.....

ironwilled - yes, it was like he was talking to (rather, texting) a work colleague or something...and true, he wants chapter and verse when it suits him, but the reality of what I am here coping with cannot ruin his holiday. Today, nursery mentioned that DS had his first proper tantrum today which they had never seen. Mentioned what had happened yesterday just to keep them informed (no mention of ex). I wont bother telling ex about this as obviously, he is only interested in the 'he's fine' type of response. Fine by me, but so annoying that he can just opt out like this....... Lesson most definitely learnt and will up my detachment. Thanks .

Dolly - yes, need to rid myself of the (similar) thoughts of ex being a great dad and looking to share things with him. He is a good-ish dad in parts I guess (as you mentioned and I agreed, he is at least on the scene, though this has its pros and cons at the moment) but so poor in other ways. Drives me bonkers sometimes.
PS: Well done on the blind date! There are no nice men round these parts - will be keeping my eyes open over the weekend . So was the date a definite no-no? Hope the face is coming along nicely (you did make me laugh about your son and the coin slots!)! I was thinking of a tattoo - something latin about 'overcoming through strength' or similar positive good stuff - but am (1) scared of needles and (2) knowing my luck, I will source some dodgy translation on the net and end up with a latin saying something more despondent like 'all hope is lost'....

springy - snap. The number of times I have said the same to ex (I am not like you. I dont go around lying etc). I honestly think that lying has become second nature to ex now - it all just comes so easily. Some of the stuff he comes out with beggars belief. He will defend new girlfriend to the ends of the earth, protecting her from being in my big bad presence (and possibly telling a few home truths about her knight in shining armour) and telling me how nice she is. And yet, when she threatened to call the police on me (from USA) because I accidentally scratched ex whilst grabbing his phone, he did not turn around to her and say, I have known her for 11 years, she is the mother of my child, she has never laid a finger on me, it was an accidental scratch and it was because she was grabbing the phone because I agreed to respect the family home and not call from the house? No.....he just lapped up the attention. Yes, I am so, so tired (and upset) of seeing DS upset and crying and hurting, but am settling in for the long haul. I wish I could take his pain away, but know its something he/we have to work through, so can only make it as positive and less painful a time as possible....

PS: defo in for a meet-up pre/post Xmas. Cant imagine what will happen between now and then - seems like ages away, but will no doubt go by in a flash

Xales - yes, and he showed his true priority by not phoning for DS until 30mins after the agreed time as he could not speak in private at 7pm.....not sure if he really expected me to hang around waiting for his call or to pluck DS from his bedtime routine for the call that he wont answer anyway. Needless to say, I ignored the phone when he rang (house 2 times and my mobile 3 times). The good thing - aside from not having to speak to him today - I have just realised that I do not care what it was he was doing at 7pm that was not in private and prevented him calling his son....

McNaughty - am prone to over-assesing things (all the more so now), but definitely hear you. I am a bit worried about DS (as mentioned yesterday) following incident in the bath....its at times like these that I think how can ex really think that he has not lost anything, and think (and say to people) that he has done this for DS? Why he didn't have the decency to leave 2 years ago, or however many years ago he is now going on about (dont worry, dont believe a word of it and know is the self-justification/picking our relationship apart thing). Instead, it has come to this, where his main focus is himself, his freedom and his new relationship. Thanks for the timely reminder; yes, will keep on keeping on detaching and keeping comms to the bare minimum and emotion-free .

your ds may also be worried deep down that mummy may leave him even if he cant express it or that it is his fault daddy left (and doesnt love him any more from his point of view) all you can do is carry on telling him how much you love him and what a good lovely boy he is.

Agreed that it is a primal fear ds may be feeling. His world has been his mummy and his daddy, now daddy is gone (plus there's a stranger around now too). Bless him . Children, particularly the younger they are, are so straightforward in expressing grief - re it hurts; wahhh. Bless him.

Darling

Just a quickie to say am living your frustration about the inability to acknowledge upset to children's lives from their leaving....BAD I know but I've been exchanging a few emails with Ex as he suddenly returned from holidays and wanted to see DS. I have chosen not to take him out of kindy as there was no notice and DS is on a lovely even keel at the moment. He suggested that seeing him would not change that and for better or worse I responded:

"It is also laughable for you to comment how seeing you won't upset his 'even keel'. You seem unable or unwilling to see what a clear emotional impact your leaving has had on him. The only reason that he has been 'uneven' is due to your leaving and the living between two homes. I accept that it does not behove your decision to acknowledge any emotional impact on him given your justification is that you did this to be a better father which would therefore benefit [DS] but really [DH], don't expect me or any other parent (that hasn't left their children) to buy it"

Probably counter productive but it is how I feel .....anyway, feel your pain xx

you go Dolly! Twice! rah rah!

btw removed post as had my DS name in (then repeated without)...don't mind you ladies knowing but you never know who may be lurking xx

Ok. DH back from holiday (early)....now isn't going back to work till Wed (who knew he tells me nothing). Asked Sunday if he could see DS. DS has kindy tomorrow then dinner with friend then on Tuesday we are going to zoo (been talked about for ages as had zoo pass for xmas and yet to have gone). initially said no (he will have him Fri/Sat this week) but then relented and said that we were going to zoo - if he wanted to come he could take DS around for an hour or so on his own and I would retire to cafe etc. I don't think it is hugely unreasonable to say no to a request the DAY before when he has had all w/end to ask but get this in response:-
"I'm not sure that's a reasonable response on any level. Choosing the care of a third party over that of his father smacks of asserting power and and handing out punishment.". I feel like fucking smacking him. 1. he asks the day before 2. I've offered him a time to see him on his own 3. he gave me not notice he was going away, expected me to cover the school holidays (when one of his kindy's was on break during two of the days I work) refused to tell me where he was going, had no idea he would not be at work for two days yet expects us to drop our routine 4. DS is only IN third party day care because he left which he has refused to say isn't optimal but now it becomes substandard to a parents care as it suits him. Am I insane? Am I the unreasonable one? Because right now I could fucking kill him. Ok. bad distancing strategy I know ......

Wow, Downunder, he is a total arsehole!

and you know what he'll be telling future girlfriends don't you [not that he has any of course..]? he'll be talking about his nightmare ex and she'll be going aw poor you and telling her friends about his nightmare ex Do I ever listen when someone talks about some new boyf's 'nightmare ex'? Or do I glaze over.

He's fucking with your A exhead Dolly. I hope you can get some distance somehow. In my situation ex held all the cards which made me feel very powerless, which made it very hard to detach and I ended up a screeching PITA

Dolly - so sorry to hear that your ex is giving you a hard time, esp when you are being more than reasonable imo. I have experienced similar. Funnily enough just after ex had returned (or it could have been just before going) on one of his long weekend jaunts to SF. DS and I had plans to go and see one of his friends after nursery, I had words to the effect of 'you should change the date of this meeting until after I have gone as it is important for DS and I to spend time together. Am sure that the other parent of DS friend will understand this'!! And like you, it was a case of a him going away as and how he pleased himself and I had to work DS and myself around his schedule. I was fuming to say the least and as this was back in the early days, I felt 'guilt' (ex's tactic obviously worked) and bowed to what he wanted. I wouldn't do it now unless DS was going through a stage of asking for/really wanting to see his Daddy. Of course at the time, he didn't even mention the fact that his going away for 6 nights and missing time with DS was equally important and yet he was buggering off regardless (and this was one of his 'holiday' weekend trips as opposed to work with extras added on...). I would stick to my guns if I were you. And who knows, I may well be back here before the end of the day as ex is now back and has already sent a message asking how DS is and if he can see him later today...answer is a big fat no as we have other plans, but am sure he will come back with 'can I do nursery run tomorrow am'...

As other people have said when similar happened to me, its their way of easing their guilt and conscience. So, had a lovely time (did he though - if he is back early?!!!) now re-energised for some daddy duty but at the same time probably musing with new girlfriend/OW about plans for next break..am sure mine will be carrying on like he is so happy, so relaxed/refreshed (to the point where everyone will tell him this and he will kindly tell me as he has done in the past) and gushing about how he has missed DS.....

I agree with Springy about aiming for distance again, though know (painfully) how hard this can be, esp when the ex is determined to set you off with some staggering nonsense that beggars belief or at least a reply

Have a lovely time at the zoo (again, think you are being very nice offering to give up some of your access time - esp when out on a planned daytrip - so your ex can spend time with your son). Keep strong!!

Xales/Spring - yup, suspect that DS is very aware of the bigger picture of his dad leaving the family home and possibly sensing that ex has 'left' him (not saying he has) and the associations that brings up in the mind of an almost 3 year old. DS had his daddy on tap as ex works from home. So very full on access one day to a very sudden drop the day ex moved out late Jan, which has not been helped with ex not being 100% (or even 80%) consistent. Of course its not something I could raise or discuss with ex as he just won't acknowledge his leaving has been anything other than for the best for everyone and how he has done this for DS etc etc. So yep, will keep on telling him each and every day how much I (and his daddy) love him and that he is a wonderful, loving, good boy (and he really is, though I am of course very, very biased ).

ps: started this reply on the train journey back from London as DS slept so excuse typos/jumping around timewise!

Oh Ladies. I officially GIVE UP. Since I posted ex sent email(s) saying that I was using power and punishment and when would I stop punishing him and that he could not believe I was using DS as a 'pawn' to cause him 'pain'. So, today, I chat with RL friend and decide that whilst I was not being unreasonable, perhaps it would be the 'right' thing to postpone out trip to the zoo and let ex have son tomorrow. I left him a VM saying I was disappointed but felt that DS would enjoy seeing him so any disappointment about zoo would soon be forgotten. He calls back and says thanks but he doesn't want DS to be disappointed so could I go to the zoo and then drop him at a beach at 2pm. I reply that it would not give us enough time to drive there and walk (its on a slope and takes forever now DS not in pushchair) so he can pick him at 10am and return him at 4pm...he keeps arguing the point that my day should not be interupted and he would have him at 2pm.....this is a complete volte face from yesterday evening and VERY clear to me that he has something else organised for Tues morning. Fair enough if he would say - oh i have something else on now but I would love to have him at 2pm for a couple of hours. But no. This turns into me being unreasonable AGAIN. In the end I said, I'm not going to the zoo to leave at 1pm so do you want him or not. He said yes. THEN sends an email saying that he 'heart the disappointment in my voice when he said yes he would like him all day

So sorry that you are having to go through this and that as you are trying to be fair and think about your sons needs you are being pushed and pulled all over the shop. Unfortunately, it all sounds so familiar ? on one occasion, ages ago, ex had been begging to come round to give DS his bath, I said okay, but when DS skewed his routine by resisting his daytime nap, ex suddenly started backtracking as it looked obvious that the planned bedtime would be a lot later than he had figured. He was constantly checking his phone and when I told him for the nth time to stop and just go, he exploded that he had plans and of course he wanted to do it, could do it any other night, bar that night and I was making a big deal of it (yeah, ?cause I was the one who begged him to come round?! [hmmm]). Turns out it was new girlfriends last night of her 2 week break back in April?. Do you know what you will do? And no, it isn?t you (I don?t think)!! Seems like it?s pretty common behaviour from my viewpoint. Yes, breathe and distance ? excellent reminders!

Had a good start to the weekend as in London, came back yesterday and DS very upset in the bath. Sobbing (proper heavy sobbing) and saying that he wants his Daddy??..

Then this morning, find out that he has only been paying £243 from his wages into DS? nursery fees. The extra £240 a month has been coming from the joint account (which we both still pay into ?albeit, I am not matching his levels). Not a problem, but I am also paying £243 a month from my wages and an extra £100 a month from my single account. When I suggested that I would pay the extra from my single account it was back in Feb (so before I was working ? so I was paying out £343 a month from my savings ? had to pay for a full time place even though he didn?t go every day to secure place due to waiting list nonsense as didn?t know back in Feb when I would get a job etc) and ex didn?t disagree or remind me (honestly slipped my mind) and say, actually the rest of the money is from the joint account so don?t worry about it. I am really, really upset about this for some reason ? and on the face of it, it is quite minor compared to other stuff - and it has just made me think back on all the crap I have had to deal with since December.

I just honestly wish I could kick some reality, common sense or decency into him (preferably all three) ? sooner rather than later. I just don?t think I can continue with all this for much longer. Today is my first day since starting work that I have felt really, utterly miserable to be here (probably aided by the fact that DS for the first time went kicking and screaming into nursery today ? I literally took him out of his car seat and as I went to get his bag from the boot, he had climbed back in and was insisting on going home )

I am not doing well at all today and monthlies have started so really down in the dumps

crap day, ride it out girl. take a step at a time, an hour at a time - even, 5 minutes at a time. It will pass (it always does). Keep going sweetheart.

So sorry about his shitfuckery re the money. So petty eh. So very very petty and mean-spirited. I'm sorry Dee xxxx

Hi Dee and Dolly, let them think what they want as to whether you are being petty/difficult or not, you both know you are doing the best by you DC, they are the ones who have waltzed off into their wonderful new relationships.

My exH left (he was having an affair with a friend) when my children were pre teen, we are still good friends, I felt I had to stay on good terms as he had a very good accountant and I always worried he would stop paying maintenance. Anyway he recently told me that there isnt a day that goes past that he doesnt regret leaving and not seeing the children grow up. They have both become wonderful young adults and he doesnt feel he can take credit for that and when people say to him how lovely the DC are he does give me the credit for bringing them up.

They will both regret their actions one day and realise that they were being unreasonable expecting you to change your plans, so sit tight and look to the future ladies, the futures bright without these lying, cheating, deluded idiots.
Rom xx