Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Hi Dee, only posted once on your thread but checking back and what you said re "I cant wait to meet her sometime down the line and give her a big hug for taking him off my hands" made me smile - can imagine (hope?) that would sting him a lot if you could actually do that!!

Still think you're doing brilliantly.

wannabesybil - yes, you are right about wills being invalidated....!! someone mentioned that to me the other day....and knowing how lazy ex can be, he probably wont get around to making explicit instructions in his will.....so yes, defo something to flag to my solicitor as majorly, majorly concerned with this (esp as he is putting an almighty £30 a month in DS' CTF and no, he does not have any other accounts for DS).

ineedcake - I would so love to do that as would mean (a) have completely moved on if I can even be in close proximity to her and (b) my degree of indifference towards ex would be absolute.......hmmm, cant wait! But happy to take my time getting there! Thanks.

Dolly - sorry to hear about the broken nights. You are doing so well - keep going, we will get there. I can only imagine what it is like to be getting to that 1 year milestone and also all the other milestones in between to get through such as birthdays, anniversaries etc. I still have DS birthday, anniversary of our first date and then Christmas as he made last one horrid, and then NYE and then maybe my birthday again?! I will no doubt be hammering these boards hard then to get through the times....please keep posting....

Agree about the finance - will lock this down with the solicitor as a priority. Yeah, got a similar rebuttal from ex though before we agreed on maintenance and before I got a job, where he declared I was being unreasonable with not allowing DS to meet then OW until she moved here and how he was being very reasonable paying into the house still (gosh - its thing like this that make me realise that I have had a lucky escape and serve as reminders as to why I would rather be on my own.....). Completely agree about the calls - bit mixed as when he does call, it annoys me and when he can be bothered, it saddens me on DS behalf....something to work through (for me) I guess. I think that ex's reasons for calling are combo of guilt, show and genuine concern. There have been more than a few times he has forgotten to call or missed his alarm to call (he has a set time to call). There have been other times when he has not called because he has been 'busy'. I cant help but think that some of this posturing over DS is for new girlfriends benefit...Oh well...Do you think you can get your ex to legally commit to the maintenance to allow you to do the p/t work route? Esp given his salary?

So, I am now wondering if ex and new girlfriend are trying to maintain the high of the affair bubble (or whatever it is/was) with all the added drama. Think I have already said about the whole timeline since Fri 1st July (wedding, she came, she met DS, they are now buying a house). Thinking this because this morning, when DS again refused to speak on the phone to him this morning, I got a sarky text saying 'thanks for encouraging him - not'. The only thing I can do now is to literally hold him down and force him to speak. I follow him around with the phone, say phrases - hoping he will repeat them - he does usually. He obviously does not want to speak, but ex just does not get it. I tried to explain this and again got shot down (yes, I know I shouldn't have bothered, but whilst he is off slating me (probably), I am sat here telling DS that his daddy misses him and wants to speak to him, encouraging him to read a book about daddies for his bedtime books. Just get so weary of it all). And whilst he sent me those texts, not once did he ask how DS was; just focused on how I was failing by not getting DS to perform on the phone as usual (ffs, after DS didn't want to go with him yesterday afternoon, I suggested that ex could come by this afternoon to pick up DS and make up the time with him, and yet I am the bad guy?!). He has sent a text saying he will call tomorrow morning (DS saying 'bye' after I held in my lap before he leapt down). I suggested taking a break just for tomorrow, he said he would 'reluctantly' do this. I wised up (as in, could see him throwing this back in my face as he did Mothers Day - only day of two or so where I have asked him to stay away) and told him to do what he wants, so he will consider if he will call in the morning. Idiot.

I wonder what life will be like once the drama of the mean, bad old ex (me) dies down/a death, the drama of buying a house together becomes mundane, the drama of getting married becomes routine and real life gets in the way.....I so get now, what everyone in this thread has been saying.....

On a bright note - (finally) got an invite to the next Divorce Recovery Workshop in our area - starts in Oct (Dolly do they have this in Australia?). Still waiting to hear about an evening class for the Freedom Workshop - but have the workbook on order. Despite nonsense from ex am still feeling in a better state of mind....

sorry - above, 'and when he can be bothered, it saddens me on DS behalf' should read as:

'and when he cant be bothered, it saddens me on DS behalf.'

Did you spot the excellent comment from Wannabe about your idiot. I jus though that she summed up what you are dealing with. I think you mentioned it there in your last post.

You know, you are writing about things in such a different tone these days - you should be proud of that. Its like you see him doing to her what he did to you. You can almost write the next pages of the script. Remember that they have moved on to the next stage of their love in, but they are having to share it with your DS who is very real and has very specific needs, and by default, you. Having you round the corner is a slightly different issue to having you on another continent. You are also very real and very close to them physically. I bet he's not that comfortable with the whole thing now he's actually made it all happen. The menage-a-trois (sort of) aint the getting-off on territory he thought it was going to be. For a start, you are not playing the part he had scripted for you. You've actually got a brain and a life - two things he's missing.

On the financial side of things - others may know better, but don't the professionals separate out the contact etc from the financial settlement. Like he can't work out how much he pays you on how amenable you are to his way of thinking. I don't think the two issues are interdependent.

Also, the whole phone call/speak to Daddy thing is such a red herring. Your DS is very young and only really lives in the moment. He doesn't have the kind of attachment your idiot expects. Don't feel you have to explain to him. If he is such a poor father that he thinks a two year old is being manipulated by you, then he has obviously not spent a lot of time in his company. He is only amplifying his lack of parenting when he sulks and makes you feel bad about contact - DONT!!

Hi Dee

I think you're right that things are moving quickly with ex and OW because they are trying to maintain all the heady excitement and adrenalin rush of the early days. Why all this speed? Why don't they slow it all down and just "be" for a while? Because then reality will kick in imo.

The access to childcare documentation and the financial disclosure are two separate issues. The only way that maintenance and agreement of how much he pays will be affected, would be if the child involved spent more than a night or so away from the family home (to stay with him). This would be taken into account by courts because it could be argued that access is shared more equally, and he is providing childcare/costs/living space for child, and therefore doesn't need to pay you so much. So don't worry about that.

I would actually back off completely about your DS talking to dad on the phone; as Alldown says, he's little, he has a different reality, and lives in the moment. Ex I think is keen to talk to DS for his own sake, not for your son's sake; it makes him feel better, feel that he's doing his bit. But no amount of chats and calls will ever make what ex did right, and he's going to have to come to terms with his guilt, and live with it. It's the price he has to pay. So if he phones and ds doesn't want to talk, then don't force him to, or justify it, just say "he's not in the mood right now" and hang up. It's not your responsibility to sort this out! Could you perhaps text ex to say that as the phone calls aren't working then DS will phone him if he wants to instead? This might take some pressure off you. If he resists this, then he'll have to just accept that DS isn't going to salvage his guilt, and if he's a man at all, he'll realise that it's healthy that DS isn't weeping and wailing for him.

Well done, you're so strong.

Hi Dee

I've been lurking but just wanted to say...

He is a twat!

All this "I've never been happy" stuff is just a way of projecting the blame onto you - he and the OW will be conspiring to turn you into some nutjob psychopath to make them both feel better about the situation (she must be more than aware that if he left his partner and baby DS, he can do it to her too - I bet she is feeling very anxious trying to exist in a state of constant denial about this).

He sounds very immature, to be honest - all wrapped up with the joys of love and then doesn't like the reality of life. He needs to grow up. Don't react when he tells you he was never happy - it's just designed to hurt and deflect blame from himself.

Sorry if this has already been said!

It bears repeating mini

great post btw

Ha thanks, springy!

I actually laughed when I read about his 'grief curve' - He causes chaos and then tells her she's in the wrong place on the grief curve! What a nob.

beautifully put mini!

Quick post - am up doing work 'work'... . Its a pain coming back and working in the evenings, but needs must. I am still on probation, so need to impress, impress, impress to pass the board in Sept and be given a proper contract....

Today, I decided to broach subject of DS' birthday (first in and all that and cant stomach idea of DS spending time with her on his birthday just yet, though guess we need to hammer out future access and visits etc). Suggested he come over whenever - as long as he gave me due notice and avoided the party time - will be other mums, most from out NCT group who know about the situation, so looking to avoid any awkwardness tbh. He can defo see DS on his birthday, just not during his party (that I will be paying for from my own account to avoid any 'but I paid for this/that, it came from joint account etc nonsense. Cant believe I am having to think this way, but hey ho). Anyway, he said yes, he would like to come round and would let me know etc. I had also, in my first email, said that DS had a few parties coming up, first of which is on the 23rd.....in his reply email, he said that it wouldn't be a problem as he, er, wont be here! He is off on a lads break (back home) as a friend is back from Oz....so with all the changes going on - some of which he insisted happen such as meeting last week - he will now be off again, from next Weds (his evening to have DS) and back on Sunday. I can guess who will be carrying his suitcase.....honestly, just expect this from him now. No surprise, though my first thought was 'how much annual leave does this man have?!'...he must have whipped through a fair amount of days by now (hopefully enough so he cant come and ask for his rights to take DS on holiday for a week....I know, I know, he will be entitled, but I can dream....). So, if he comes back and starts whinging about how I am upsetting DS routine in some way, by not letting him see him whenever he wants or to make up for his (ex's) absence, I can shoot this right back him. He was away at end of May/beginning of June for around 16 nights (or was it 11? Or 14? Cant remember now). Must be very nice living the life of an unencumbered 'single' lad/'newly loved up couple' and seeing your child every so often.....not my cup of tea though...

minimouse888, springy - I went into a state of mlld shock when he first said it. It was a huge coincidence that my Relate counsellor mentioned it the night before....very spooky! Too spooked to laugh and of course tell him that he must have missed the text that accompanied his reading that everyone works through it at their own pace....I think he has too much time on his hands (or did) to read these things and interpret as he wants to.....Did I not mention that when he was drip feeing me the truth whilst he was still here in Jan, he gave me a timeline. Said that he slept with her early Dec, they spent time together and then after she dropped him at the airport he told her that he had a family back home and, he said, 'she cried'....he said this as if I should have sympathy for her.....?! Anyway, who knows what else he told her about his family back home, but it was enough to either not put her off or convince her that he was going to ditch us for her/them. Whatever. He has regularly tried to pass her off to me as a nice person, and maybe she is/was, but her actions are not nice (and I speak as a person who has several friends who have had affairs - most of whom have regretted it).

saffysmum - thanks. Yes, will broach the calls thing with him. As he is off on hols next week, I have already told him to limit it to 1 call a day. But need to follow through and not answer the phone if he keeps ringing! Yes, dont think he gets the whole making DS his priority thing and perhaps saying that he doesn't want DS to stop playing or leave a playdate so we can pop outside and go through the call thing......I kept it going as thought I would like to do calls when DS started sleeping over, but to be honest, DS hardly ever speaks for more than 2 seconds and even then its random things! It is nice to speak to him and hear his voice, but it is obvious he would rather be playing at whatever particular time the calls are set for.

Alldownhill - oh thanks! I dont feel particularly strong, but I am determined not to let ex and his soulmate dictate my life. As someone said (or several people have said - including the ex) they are not spending their evenings and weekends talking about me, so same goes for me (with exception of mumsnet of course ). On finance, yes, agree. And his new girlfriends earning have no impact either - just need to make him aware of this!

Hi Dee34. My heart goes out to you. My H has never been faithful to me or either of his other two wives. He left me in 2008 for OW 17 years his junior. They broke up, I took him back. Within months he was busy sleeping with another OW HALF his age. They broke up. I found out about it and we went through a tortuous Relate process. At the beginning I asked him not to put me through it if he didn't want us to be together. He put me through it, blamed me for everything, said that sex wasn't exciting enough compared to new relationships (erm, after 16 years? Surprised?). Eventually I find out that all the while he was seeing ANOTHER OW 20 years his junior and this was the love of his life (after 4 months of sneaking about).

So I filed for divorce the next day. These men are NOT worth it. They will NEVER change. My H actually said to me that my priority in life should to be his lover and be a mother second. He, like so many other men of his kind, will flit from relationship to relationship, trash their relationship with their kids and end up alone and lonely.

You are devastated as I was and am again. Heart thumping in your chest, fearful of how you will cope, can't see anything in your future but a big black void. But it WILL get better. You have your family and they will love you for putting them first. See your doc, build a small, discreet army of supporters, take it a day at a time or even an hour at a time. Your future with him would be hell, he will keep doing it to you. You and your kids deserve better.

Take control of your life my dear. It will be what you make it. You will get through this even though it feels now like you will never smile again. You won't feel like that for ever I promise.

Thanks for the warm and inspiring post notafraid. So much of what you have shared has rung true in my case...all except for the serial cheating (I think - he says this was the first time ever, but would I ever trust another word he says????). Yes, I am very much 100% certain that I would never take him back (I think he has too much pride to let this relationship fail and would never come back with his tail between his legs imo). Its not easy now, and yes, I do get lonely and crave the old ex, but slowly and steadily, I am of the mindset that I would rather be alone that back with him - I cant believe that I was practically begging him to come back in the early days, but you do those things I guess when the shock and rejection (and fear) just get you. You last sentence is what a friend has just written to me in an email as I am dithering about starting running (not used to exercising in public) - she gave me a good old kick (gentle enough) up the bum to seize life with both hands and take control. So, again, thanks for this. I will certainly strive to do this and take control....

I guess though, I do have a long way to go - just dawned on me today, that I just accepted his actions to book flights to go away next week. He usually has DS on a Weds and did not even bother to check if it would be okay for me to take on the additional childcare that evening. I dont think he did it maliciously - or hope not , but I obviously need to strengthen those boundaries so he does realise that we are not a couple anymore (in fact, this is worse, when we were together he used to at least run dates by me first!) and he cant just go and book flights and then tell me afterwards when it clashes with his access time (or can he?!). Not the first time this has happened, so I have sort of enabled it by not making a stand. Will drop him an email to this effect (i.e. notice please!)....

And hope things are getting better for you and your DCs now (and continue to be that way). Take care.
x

Notice?!?!?! But why should he give you notice? Don't you remember he is way more important that you. His time is precious. His work is more important. Who do you think you are expecting notice????

Bad Dee back in your box /spanks

It is so hard isn't it. You think you are helping, making life easy and better for your son not kicking up a fuss when all he thinks about is himself, his dick and Miss USA.

And this is for a lads weekend not even work!!! Tells you everything about how important his son is. So is he dumping Miss USA for the weekend and heading off? Damn do you think she is worried??

Keep it polite and in writing. I have to work, I have a life, I need x notice if you are going to not bother to see your son who you love and adore so that I can make arrangements or cancel dates appointments to be there for the son I do love and adore.

Also keep it in writing if you don't already and can remember just how many times he has buggered off to see Miss USA worked away and not seen your son.

I suppose a lot of them days away were 'work'.............

Xales - yes, am expecting far too much . It didn't even click until today what he had done in terms of assuming I would be here to cover - and facilitate his phone calls to DS.....

Have no clue if she will be going with him - is feasible though. Tbh, dont trust a word he says, for all I know his umming and ahhing over whether to go and see this long lost friend could be a cover for a romantic weekend break for two in Europe somewhere? If she is going (wont give him the satisfaction of asking), then they do seem to be having a nice life. She is here for just over two weeks and can take annual leave......I am working for the wrong company!! Though all just guess work - cant imagine he/she/they would want to be apart.....unless, oh, just clicked, the umming and ahhhing was about leaving her here as opposed to not seeing DS for several nights.....? He described it as a lads reunion, but as it is in his hometown, he will be staying with his folks for a portion of the time....He obviously feels guilty as he gave me chapter and verse of how he has considered his options, how this friend (who we met up with when we went to Oz for a fantastic, sorry, miserable, 6 week break (concession to ex saying no to taking a sabbatical)) was coming over etc etc. Trying not to get too involved in the murky waters but am sure he had more than a few days notice on this (sounds familiar) and cant understand why he was so determined to do introductions last week 3 days after she arrived if he was going to be away next week anyway? Though must keep it in perspective, I guess, its only the Wednesday and 1 day of the weekend. He has been away for longer and DS and I have survived....

Oh yes, have made a note of all the times he has suddenly had to go to London, all his holidays away or missed his ordinarily obsessive phone calls (he didn't hear his alarm as he was watching rugby/doing chores or he could not find a private place to phone).

We do have a bday party on the Saturday, but not an overly close friend and am now thinking it would be good to take advantage of ex not being here to go on a weekend break of my own with DS. Advantage would be that we could go away in peace without ex playing tit for tat (he has already spoken about taking DS away for a week in August and just need a bit of breathing space/space to catch-up with all the stuff that has gone on. Couldn't bear him coming along next week and demanding to take DS away with new girlfriend somewhere for a week. It has to happen eventually, but would be great if it wasn't just now - will speak to solicitor about how to negotiate these holiday weeks.....

He has very kindly told me - she is going with him.....

A whole week!!!!

Damn he has only had your son over night a few times hasn't he? Pretty sure you can count them all on one hand if I remember correctly. Also not consistently every week!

He can't just drag him off for a whole week away from his main carer on that basis. Maybe a long weekend yes but a whole week? Presumably with Miss USA who you haven't met yet, who he may ignore your son for?

Anyway stop wasting head space about thinking what they may/may not be doing at all. Boring and not worth your time and energy. Go and count the ratio of red/yellow/green peppers in the frozen bag in your freezer instead (old thread).

The only thing important to you is your son and separating completely on all other levels from this idiot.

yep - a whole week....he wants to take DS off to CP up north so he can see his cousins and his grandparents (the same cousins ex wasn't that fussed that DS missed when he took new girlfriend up to their 2nd birthday party...). can fully appreciate this has to happen, but he first voiced this back in May or so, wanting to go away in July or August. i did say at the time that it was a bit too soon and maybe he should think about first having DS over for 2 nights and then a long weekend away so DS can get used to it. as always, no response to that email, so fully expect him to come out of the blue with his renenewed request - will hazard a guess it will be not long after he comes back from his weekend break, full of woe about how his folks and sister and everyone are missing DS (which will of course all be my fault as I wont 'let' him take DS away....

he generally was having DS for 2 nights overnight a week - weds and one weekend night, but yes, he has missed a fair few weekend nights and week nights due to work or holidays to see her, or combo of the two...

even though i had guessed that he would be taking her along, i am quite angry that he is putting his son so low down on his list - yes, there have been ample incidents when this has been clear, but i honestly felt a whoosh to the head and a bit queasy. whilst i am spending my evenings either working or looking at schools (to decide on which area to rent in), he is busy having meals out and planning holidays and breaks with his new girlfriend. and he has not even shown the slightest bit of interest in schools...i have the very sudden realisation that i am very much a single parent (with an unpaid babysitter when he is free).

good idea - yes, counting blades in the back garden would be more appealing as shudder to think what he will do next (springy and all - i totally understand the pleas now to get away and break away from him...).

again, sorry for the many and detailed posts - am trying to make sense of this all (again!)...

x

well, yes - please take a look at the step-parent thread in AIBU which lays out the pitfalls of the dream couple who are determnined to carve out a dream family. argh.

I'm sorry to lay it on you when you are still probably tottering on your own feet (though infinitely stronger than you were girl!) but I wouldn't put past them (him tbh) a bid to establish her as DS's new mummy. All you have said indicates that this could be the case

Hence my quietly desperate pleas for you TO GET AWAY FROM HIM (them).

Can you move - far, far away - without him knowing where you live? is that legally permissible [wonders]

This is where you can look at his actions to see who he really prioritises and all of the bullshit about the phone calls etc trying to look like the doting father just don't add up. So don't worry about any of that anymore and if he tries to guilt trip you by saying thanks for encouraging him or whatever, don't even engage. Try to only listen when he talks sense (in other words, not at all). It is scary to accept that you really are a single parent but I think it takes so long in these situations because they are doing so much posturing to look like they are thinking of dc as much as us. It's good that you're realising now, that ex thinks of himself first because it means you will learn to put yourself and ds first also.

I would have been surprised if he hadn't taken her on his trip away to be honest as this is how they seem to do it, have to be together all the time, that's why it's obvious its not healthy. Holidays seem to be part of the script also, has anyone else found this? The amount of holidays ex has had or is planning is laughable and like you dee, I questioned how much leave he could possibly have. Trying to escape from reality??

I agree with Springy about getting away and I've already told you that and I know you are weighing up your options. Everyone who has been in this situation says the same thing because even though there are changes in that we get stronger they don't seem to change their behaviour and after years of this my regret is that I didn't move when dd was younger but I'm still looking into things so hopefully we will both be free of the drama one day.

Dee, here's the post on the step-parent thread that I think could be of 'interest' to you:

sincitylover Tue 12-Jul-11 12:24:03
"...From my own experience I have found that exh 's p over emphasises the importance of her role to our ds's (she sees them once a fortnight for 24 hours). She also seems generally bossy and overbearing... She also seems to be hell bent on creating an 'ideal family'.

I'm sure that this must be a temptation for second wives. So they can sort of trump the first failed marriage/relationship.

...In my own case I get the impression that my exh and his p think their parenting is superior to my own and have no idea what sort of crap he has fed her about things generally.

I truly hoped he would meet a warm loving caring partner but it seems he's met a rather bossy control freak and my dcs come a bit down the list of both their priorities."
(my emphases)

I am not posting this to put the cat amongst the pigeons Dee. As you know, I believe he is the villain of the piece (at the moment she is an unknown quantity iyswim). The above scenario is exactly what happened to us - she has been a nightmare on stilts, aided and abetted by exH (instigated by him imo). In my case, he was the villain of the piece - but she certainly got on board for all she was worth.

From all you have told us, I think those two are strong candidates for the above scenario. hence you need to... GAFH

As for, what was it you said? about going on or something - hush woman, we are all here with you

I am also suspicious of a man who misses meetings with his DS but then wants the child for a week when his family / girlfriend will be there to witness it.

I am also extremely cynical about the idea of the girlfriend being genuinely enthusiastic about looking after someone else's two year old. Why would she want to embrace a child produced by another woman, who is a constant reminder of the former relationship?

It all just sounds so fake to me; as though they are both putting on an act for each other, playing roles rather than actually being honest about who they are and how they feel. It sounds doomed!

Hi - been a manic few days.....DS' nursery called yesterday afternoon as he was running a very high temp. He seems to be okay now - temp down, but kept him off nursery and worked from home.....ex called yesterday and tried to speak to DS, but no go there. He came round this morning and DS was just being very clingy (as he is normally when ill - did the same when ex was here) and not going to him. I did try and encourage DS towards his dad, if only so I wont get grief off him, but, again, DS not interested and didn't want me out of sight....Not sure how ex feels about it - not bothered really as the Relate counsellor told me that I can only parent DS as well as I can and not worry about ex (unless it is causing harm to DS). So he can ignore DS when he tries to pull us together or keeps saying 'mummy, daddy' over and over..So, as long as I am not deliberately barring him from DS, or denying DS from seeing/speaking to him when he wants to (he doesn't ask) or bad mouthing him in front of DS or causing an argument with him in front of DS, I dont think I can do anymore.

Today, DS came over and said for the first time 'mummy, i'm sad'...I have noticed when he is looking a bit down and out of sorts and asked him how he is etc and telling him its okay to be happy/sad/angry. I didn't get any more from him than that, but it was a big thing that he could start to recognise this in himself (a bit). He has also noticed when George Pig is sad when we have been reading. Again, its something that the Relate counsellor said (in terms of me not hiding my feelings from DS - not going overboard of course - and possibly creating an atmosphere where he doesn't feel able to talk about things.....like ex). So, was slightly bittersweet. Sad that he was sad, but then glad that he was able to come and say that.........

Ex is still being as up and down as ever. He mentioned on Wednesday that maybe we could all go out as a family to go and see Cars 2!! I was half tempted to see who he meant when he said family (as in would he be bringing new girlfriend as well?), then thought not interested so didn't ask. Just politely declined. I dont know how on earth he would think that I would want to be seen in public with him at this moment in time, going for a family outing? Then the suspicious side of me wonders, did he ask, knowing I would say no, thereby leaving him free to take new girlfriend, so if anyone I knows sees them at the cinema he has his trump card?! Hmmm - as Xales said, better go and dig out that bag of frozen mixed veg! . Text messages have also been riddled with contrasts. From simple one line response, to full on detailed messages with smiley faces and everything...again, just sticking to a neutral and short response. One such text was about a cheque his gran had left for DS, he asked me if I wanted to cash it in DS' CTF or put it in his savings account - the savings account that only I have access to. So this time last week, I was being questioned about a £55 cheque for a leaking tap (which I had sent him an email about just before his last holiday to the US, so obviously got overlooked) and now, I am worthy enough to be entrusted with a whole £100 cheque for DS! Again, the cynic in me does wonder if its because he cant be bothered to make the effort to go the bank and pay it in himself.......

springy - oh, if only I could!! But I cant - tbh, I think ex is on the way to messing things up all by himself. Either that or he maybe he will find himself hot-footing it to the US once new girlfriend starts having kids and decides that maybe she wants to be back amongst her friends and family?! I am well suspicious about what ex has told her, esp as he was warning that if he allowed me to come to the playcentre then I was under no conditions/circumstances to say a single word to her (let alone look in her direction - as it would not be very comfortable for them all!). I can imagine he has spun the PND thing out and made out how well he supported me, but, hey, he gave me all he could and I was just making him miserable and making myself miserable and he had decided that I would be happier without him and DS would be far, far happier, so hey, he was thinking of and serving everyone else bar himself. Which of course sounds so noble/wonderful to new girlfriend who has never had a child.....I can bet that he didn't tell her that it took a visit from the HV and her basically laying into him to support me more (practically, emotionally and in terms of addressing his parents). In the end she managed to convince him to put DS to bed one night a week, and wake up with him one day at the weekend. Idea being for me to relax...instead, I spent Sat night making dinner or doing chores whilst he did bedtime and he was always very quick to find me when DS started to cry for me during my supposed lie-in....most certainly ex thinks his parenting is above mine, though think reality is creeping up on him.....will check out that thread. No, I fully appreciate how these things can turn out - and more scarily - how they can turn so quickly..And yes, the general trend seems to be that those in similar circumstance regret not moving away.....so much to think about.....



ironwilled - yes, most definitely focused on DS and I now. You know, even the anger is starting to subside a bit, more a combination of indifference and a smidgen of pity...and funnily enough, I do feel less inclined to think what he thinks and how he is portraying me. Yep, he really only thinks about himself - I dont think he can help it (e.g. umming and ahhing about booking his flights, not because he will miss DS or because he will leave me with the childcare duties, but probably for his own selfish reasons. Am sure when he is away, it will be more of 'miss you DS', 'cant wait to see you' and he will regale everyone with photos of DS and tell them all how much he misses him (am sure the irony will be lost on everyone). Yep, keeping our chats to the bare, bare minimum is good....



mini - I have long wondered this about her willingness to change her life and commit to coming over here and (allegedly) playing second fiddle to a two year old she has never, ever met. Again, could be because ex has spun her the fairy story of the positives and smudged over the negatives that he never really dealt with. To commit to spending every other weekend with someone else's child who will dictate what you will do for that weekend in terms of entertainment/food/naps/mood-swings/tantrums/over-tiredness isn't easy. But I guess it is some big perfect romance thing (with the fairytale whirlwind wedding instant visa ) and they will cope and overcome it all (oh, dear, what was springy saying about the perfect family set-up ?).