Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Yay Dee. Sounds very empowering. You faced your fear, dealt with it on your own terms and have nothing more to fear but fear itself. well done you. I am so pleased for you darling. not least as I have slipped down the ladder. ex DH is obliged to pay for 'reasonably priced' ticket home for DS each year so trying to sort out xmas return and he is being letter of law about it and insisting he books the tickets based on my prefered dates so currently wants us to travel via air china with a layover of about 8 thousand hours.....errrr...noooo. cue me - ignoring not contact and distance - yelling like a mental woman at him. tis not good. motherfucker. oh well the good thing is I will be back at xmas for 6 weeks unless dodgy airline crashes....we should do cocktails ; )

oh Dolly I do hope you get to come home at Christmas. Your IVF story shook me - sorry, that's a bit random plonked in there but have been meaning to say it. With all my heart I pray that you will be able to stay. Sorry to get your hopes up . I'm up for cocktails if you are

aw earthy

Dee, another lurker here, just commenting on how well you are doing and how far you have come in such a short space of time.
Give yourself a big pat on the back.

With regard to the Visa question it is terribly complicated if you are marrying an alien after a "short" relationship.

My nephew married a lass from New Zealand after a 9 month courtship and the onus was on them that they might have to prove that it was a real marriage.
My brother had a long and ongoing relationship with a Thai woman the only way she was able to stay in the Uk for any length of time was for them to be married.

My DS has had a 4 year relationshipwith a girl from the US, they have both looked into the Visa question quite extensively as she would like to come and live here, the only way that is possible is if they marry (and they are not quite ready to take that step)

I am sure your ex and OW are marrying in haste because of the Visa issue, if they have indeed had such a short relationship as he says, they might have to "prove" that it is a "proper" marriage!
I'm quite sure if she wasn't an alien, marrige (despite what he says) wouldn't be part of his immediate plans!

Its lovely to log in here and see that you are starting to come through the worst of this. The way you are writing is so much stronger and you can see that you are beginning to have clarity about what is going on. Plus there are great posts of support here.

Regarding your DS's contact with your Ex. As your DS is still very young, your Ex seems to think that its going to make all the difference having this constant contact with him. Maybe it will, but DS will grow up pretty quickly (honestly, one moment they are babies, the next they've left school!) and start to make up his own mind about what has gone on. I applaud you for enabling your little one to have that contact. It has sometimes felt as though it has physically pained you to see him go.

However... whatever happens, you are the one constant in his life and the one person he will adore without reservation. No-one else will ever have that, nor come anywhere near it; you are his Mum and your devotion to him will bring you both through this.

Your Ex will soon find out that a part time dad will always be just that. He chose not to stay. Despite him shouting from the rooftops that his DS comes first and that seeing him will always be a priority, it will never make up for the guilt of leaving.

Continue to make plans for yourself and your DS. Who knows what your Ex will be up to in a few months. All you want to do is make sure that, other than enabling contact, you don't feature in his life.

Great post from Alldown - I can vouch for kids growing up in the blink of an eye: my ds was playing on his trike a few months ago I reckon, just off to uni now .

I'm also going to say that, in all honesty, I don't honestly believe that ex is as besotted with his DS as he says he is. Certainly not as committed as he says he is. Again, I may be proved wrong but in this case I don't believe Dee's ex really cares, just wants to put his stamp on ownership and take the spoils from the relationship. Sadly, DS will find that out at some stage, no doubt

Sorry if that's a horribly cynical thing to say

Thanks ladies (sorry if any men above!). Had a good day in the end, just hoping it continues. Had email 'run-in' with him. He decided to tell me today (so what, 6 days, 5 nights of her being here and having wonderful nookie on tap) that he doesn't think he can continue to pay same levels into this house as he has rent to pay on his new place and bills to pay there. He has had to dip into his savings (still tens of thousands last time I checked and only down by a few grand - i.e. a couple of flights to the US). He says his monthly salary (5k per month, after tax) is not covering all the current monthly commitments! What? By my reckoning, with a worst case scenario he has around 2k-2.5k at least plus a month to play around with....I wonder if with this visa thing, new girlfriend cant work? But surely as she is doing a job transfer she is still getting paid with no break in wages..or he could be subbing her substantially, after all he did tell me last Friday that she is 'only' on 35k which according to him is not a great salary for a London worker and I expect she will shell out for fares from here to there (1hr+ on the train)....Of course none of this is MY PROBLEM! The irony is lost on him that it is tough that she only earns 35k, that he chose to leave the house and move into a 3 bed place round the corner (quite expensive here) with a nice en-suite for 700 pounds in rent alone (could have saved his pennies and just got a small flat for himself with an extra room for DS), he chose to spend 1k plus on a bedset for a baby for our toddler son when a 100 pound bed from Argos would have been just as good....I suspect all that wining and dining is catching up with him and despite his head in the clouds demeanour, ex has always been cautious with his money (hence the disbelief in getting hitched etc) so he may be getting a bit twitchy. All things for DS come from this one and same joint account, so all his money is for himself....oh well, tough for him.....

The most irritating thing is that I said ages ago, lets review the budget in the house so we can cut back (before I had a job, as I was still paying from my savings - and no income). He never had time, so I just made the cuts I thought were okay and was overly cautious with spending. I always paid for my wine and any treats/entertaining from my own money so as not to get any grief etc. And now he has had time to sit down and look at the accounts. And I just knew this would happen after she arrived here - so textbook. Though, on the bright side, I guess her not being able to get here until now, has allowed me breathing space to get a job and income with ex still paying in for last 5 months (he didnt move out until end Jan), so I am grateful for that. This is the man who told me I should dip into my savings back in Jan/Feb to pay more into the house, when I didn't even have a job....arse.

I do wonder how she can think that he will never do this to her (just guessing this is what she is thinking, else how can she live with him?!). I got all the wining and dining and flash, extravagant pressies - though this was a slow burner as he was not on an astronomical wage when I met him. So I do get the falling for the charmer and nice gifts and gestures (this is the same man, who in March 2010, when he didn't love me, suggested I take his hard earned savings to go off and invest in a property for development etc), but, at the same time I do think, thank god I am out of that now......

So, aside from that, am doing okay. And I think as I was expecting it, it wasn't quite a shock. A good RL told me once 'expect the worst and you wont be disappointed'....am finally implementing that!

ps: he pre-faced his email with the cheek of whether I wanted to talk about the whole money/joint account thing via email or face to face....

pps: I have just figured that his 6 months window to support the house whilst we got it sold was of course aligned to her arriving here in july....doh! should have spotted that one...... .

Everything's done on his terms, his timing, from the sound of it. You wanted to get this sorted out before but he's only willing to sort it out when he wants to. So he is in complete control, probably. He clicks his fingers and you're supposed to heel, all ears, available.

I don't know how other couples organise their finances and some of the things I hear sound a bit weird to me but I tend to think that it's their business, they do things their way. However, from what you are saying he has had a very erm robust interest in finances, you paying your way, even when the finances were not even by any means.

You could call his bluff and say yeah sure, we'll get on to that at some stage - basically, do what he has done with you, don't be available until it suits you. You've got some big plans ahead and maybe you need to be focusing on those. Perhaps you could go for the entire house as a clean break settlement? The courts tot up what would have been paid to you until ds is 18, so the entire house may not be unreasonable. ime men who are tight think the maintenance they'll be paying will be pennies, loose change that they will barely notice. They get a bit of a shock when it's real money they're expected to cough up.

Glad you're still feeling good Dee. long may it continue xx

springy think its already started . he called again for DS, DS didn't want to chat and so hung up phone. Ex sent a text saying 'guess he doesn't want to talk?' and then added that was okay, he would see him tomorrow and not a peep since. Before she arrived here, he would more or less harrass me for information/texts about DS, tellling me to give him a kiss, asking after his day etc. But I guess he is pretty distracted now. Even after abandoned call this morning, he didn't do his usual of emailing/texting to ask how DS' night was. So he has not asked after DS since yesterday morning....I am in no way complaining as a relief for me, but I know that it will get worse before he gets better, as in he reaches a good balance of not being OTT in his contact (i.e. 2 calls a day) or not just being 'out of sight, out of mind'....But guess he is living his dream life at the moment and being a part-time Dad probably looks like a pretty good option to him (esp if I hold off letting DS sleep there for a short while so no early mornings, though ex is after a date from me now as to when DS can sleep there, as opposed to my saying when he is ready - and if he can claw back some of his dosh!).

alldownhill - yes, it was unbearable in the beginning to be the one slogging out the disrupted nights whilst ex came, had a great playtime with DS and wandered back to his house and his skype . It still twinges a bit when DS runs excitedly into ex's arms when he hasn't seen him for a day or two (or he has been on holiday/work trips), but accept that they need to have their own relationship. The thing is, if he had chosen to have an affair with someone who lived in this country/UK, then highly likely DS would be still sleeping there as would expect another person to have their own place (if only initially). She will be there all the time, from last Sunday as that is where she is living. No seeing how things work out with the toddler, its just all or, well, all, really as they aint gonna fail . The whole relationship - even if it is love - just smells iffy on all sorts of levels....yes, am so relieved now to be away from him .

oldwoman - thanks! Yes, visa is all just so odd.....I hope that they do get married and she cracks the whip! He had such an easy life here - wonder how she'll feel when he does his first business trip to San Fran (he will still have to go, though can bet he wont be angling to go there every few months anymore) and she is here? Maybe she will do what I couldnt do with a baby (or didn't feel the need to do tbh) and drag herself along to keep tabs on him....god what a life - though I imagine there is the idea that he would never do this to her (assuming she knows what 'this' all is). Am sure if they get stuck on the visa they can get pregnant.....nothing would surprise me now! But as alldownhill and many before her have said, what they do is up to them now as long as it doesn't harm or interfere with DS . Of course if an immigration officer comes knocking at my door................

downunder sorry to hear that things are a bit down for you. Like springy, I also hope you will be back home for xmas in the most smooth and uncomplicated journey possible. Ditto that by some miracle you can stay.....hugs to you as always (and know its easier said than done, but you have given me such great advice about ignoring my knobend, so gentle reminder back to you. You are so much better than him - or, rather, what he has become. You are doing so well, as your situation is even more incredible as you are away from home. Do take care). And roll on the cocktail hour!

earthymama - yes, never got the depth of the saying 'what doesn't kill you....' and honestly, back in Jan, I did feel at times that I was dead, living a nightmare and at a total loss, but as everyone said, it does get better - amazingly. Thanks!

beforeandafter, springy - yes, have a heart of steel now when it comes to him. I can laugh now that he, in all seriousness, thinks he is some great prize that I have lost out on (I didn't appreciate him, etc, etc, blah, blah). Though he is being aided and abetted by new girlfriend. I cant wait to meet her sometime down the line and give her a big hug for taking him off my hands. Honestly, if he could do this in the flip of a switch then really no loss....

Hoover - thanks for the suggestion. Not sure how to play this as he does seem to pick and choose when he plays 'interested' dad (usually after I have pulled him up on something). And to be honest, as has been proven today, I reckon his interest in the mundane, routine, of how well DS slept, what he did at nursery etc will soon fall by the wayside as he invests in his new relationship and just forgets to ask etc...

springy - you are right! I must be crazy - I was about to log onto joint account and spend my Friday night trawling through the lines and calculating cuts etc. But yes, why the hell should I?! Money has been paid for this month, so totally no rush. Let him sweat it out a bit for once......off to enjoy my glass of wine and book instead

ohhh - take it back. he has just sent a text to ask how DS' day was.....i wont be answering (can imagine someone has asked him how his son is, which has triggered his request for info). back to wine!

enjoy the winexx

Just wanted to say how much reading some of this thread has helped me.

H will be moving out next week for some 'thinking space'.

Whilst he says he needs some time to consider our future as a family (loves me but not in love with me, had an on / off affair with a family friend for 4 1/2 yrs before I found out in January and made him end it, blamed the affair on the head injury which strangely enough didn't happen until the affair had been going for a year!), my heart feels that he has already made up his mind to leave me and DS aged 4.

But this thread gives me hope that i can do the best for both me and my son and we will get through this.

Should also add that I am getting lots of support from friends and in-laws who know about the situation and even his best friend says he is a complete numpty!

Hi Dee - have lurked on this thread for ages, dipping in and out when I get the chance, and just wanted to say you're an inspiration.

I think he's "living the dream" at the moment, making a new start with OW - but it won't last. Reality will hit, probably sooner rather than later. She probably feels more confident now she's here with him and is starting to make her mark about money to you and stuff. Stand firm on this, and take control and do it all at the pace that suits you. His controlling days (for you) are over.

Vole - sorry to hear about your problems, please consider starting your own thread, so we can all help you, it really helped me when I went through similar to you in April.

So you Ex has turned the page of his 'losers guide to relationships' - How to get out of paying for your own child

Whatever his reasons for trying to nail you down financially, I do agree with the others that you don't need to do anything to his timetable. Indeed, you could argue that it wouldn't be appropriate to add any more stress to your DS at the moment - considering how many changes he has been through in the last few months.

...after all he claims to have his Ds's interests at the top of his list. He might just need reminding of that.

If you are seeing a solicitor soon, then try and leave the detail out of the discussions until you have the law on your side. If he's starting to fire warning shots about future financing, make sure you know exactly where you stand with the law and as the others have said, maybe go for a lump sum now. Who knows what will happen in the future. He could agree to pay, then do nothing. While DS is his only child - go for the jugular.

Congratulations for ignoring his texts and calls. It must be hard, but why should he have a blanket right to intrude into your life any time, any day. When he left. he gave up that right.

Cheers - enjoy your weekend.

vole3 - so sorry you are going through this and hope you can strength from the posts and excellent advice on here. I would say (learnt the hard way) dont listen to anything he says. If he is anything like my ex (hope not), he could come out with all sorts of nonsense to justify his actions. My ex went from 3 months of unhappiness to a whopping 10 years of regrets. And he has found eternal happiness with someone who lives on the other side of the world and he hasn't even known for 10 months yet.....Also, try and avoid the drama - easier said than done, I know. I would have always said that it was me who was stirring up the drama with tears, questions, re-hashing old conversations etc. But, I have seen (again, thanks to advice and insight on here) that he is equally capable. I was even dabbling with it last Friday, when our 20min meeting to talk maintenance ended up as just over an hour spent talking about ex's marriage plans. In the end, we spent 5 piddly mins or so talking about maintenance. He didn't have to start our chat with his big news the he was quite probably/most likely (or whatever he said) would be getting married in a few months. He could have told me the week before their actual wedding date as would make no difference to me as we are not married....so, please, dont let him drive you crazy with it all (though, do appreciate it is easier to say this now - I was in a tailspin back in Jan). So good that you have lots of RL support (I had to stay wary of my ex's sister - she is the only one from his family who has contacted me and expressed genuine sympathy and concern, but she is his sister in the end and whatever I have told her has gotten back to him as you would sort of expect. But think my case is extreme!).

cjel - wine was lush! only 1.5 (small) glasses, but haven't had some in a while. still up at the crack of dawn (DS made it to 5.15am today!!! I really should let him sleep over at ex's now to give them both a reality check...ah, well, will happen soon enough).

springy meant to add, yes, finance set-up was funny, which I realise now that I tell friends what they were....I just accepted it (am sure there are some deep seated reasons why?!) and got on with it. Whilst discussing finances last week, as I struggled to see how he would be left 'broke' with 4k+ per month, he said that he would not be doing any joint account business with new girlfriend (i.e. pooling their money together) as he saw his dad 'suffer' when he did that with his mum as his mum spent money on crap! Never heard that story before (what was the counsellor saying again.....oh yeah, poor communication in this relationship - so much to learn and apply to new relationships I reckon)! But I also realised that ex's genorosity is very controlled. So he will offer to buy this or that (e.g. items in the house) jumping in with his card, and then of course when he came to move out he started staking his claim on every single thing he individually paid for whether he used it or not or needed it or not! And yet I let him take a brand new Denby crockery set (as it would be too clumsy to take loose bowls and plates in his car) and a stainless steel fridge freezer from the garage as his rented place didn't have one...Though to be fair, he did calm down when it came to divvying up the assets - wanted that agreed before new girlfriend arrived. I didnt get anything I hadn't paid for, but got the shared assets we both paid for that I wanted (dining room set and my bedroom set - though guess that was by default as he took the stuff from the spare bedroom and I wont be wanting that back given who has been using it ).

Slightly random, but just realised that there are a few similarities between me and new girlfriend and relationship with ex.....

me: arrived in current town as a grad trainee, started going out with ex after 2 months
new girlfriend: arrived in SF in June/July, met ex in October

me: moved in with ex after 6 months as he is a wonderful, fun, charming guy
new girlfriend: moves in with ex roughly 6 months after their NYE commitment to each other - he is a wonderful, fun, charming guy

She is a bit smarter than me of course with getting married, but blimey, will be interesting to do an update post in 11 years time and she what has become of the pair . Actually, am sure I will be too busy living my own fantastic life to give him/them two seconds thought....

Sorry - post above was from a draft I started this morning before going out.....excuse cross-posting and spelling errors!

Should have said above - the stainless steel fridge-freezer is something I paid for. I let him have it in his new house as he was going to be alone for a while to sort through things in his head and he didn't have one (would have told him to get stuffed if I'd known it would now be stuffed with new girlfriends grub....).

Saffysmum - likewise, have drawn strength from your posts where you have stood firm. Well done to you! I have finally had my heart hardened to ex (though he will chip away). The email he sent on Monday was cruel - basically making out what he/they could do to go at things that would make me feel comfortable for next few weeks, he wanted to do things so as not to upset me. My reply that it was all just so rushed was ignored until I emailed him on Weds to find out what he was doing at which point he replied that he was doing the introduction. Such a user - wonder how many people he has told about his concerned approach and how they dont want to upset me (and omitting that this is only valid as long as I follow their edicts)

vole3 - yes, do start your own thread or post on here.

alldownhill - yep, hadn't thought about a lump sum.....can that be given as cash and then held in a trust fund or similar, paying out x pounds a year? Will do some research on the web and defo mention to the solicitor. I dont think the priority talk will work with him. He is convinced that what he is doing/done is for DS and doesnt seem that concerned with distress caused to DS (ex has been dropping hints that we should drop DS dummy now...?? We had plans to do this over NYE week, but he was otherwise engaged and I think last thing DS needs is his comfort objects removed just now with all the changes. I dont like the dummy, but he only uses it for sleeping and naps).....agree, need to not worry about his reasons for now pleading poverty and just focus on what he is obliged/prepared to commit to DS.....

vole3 - forgot to add, good advice I received included: take each day at a time - dont rush things and work to a timescale thats best for you and DS, not your husband; dont aim for perfection now - just do the best mothering/parenting you can for now; focus on yourself and your DS; and do realise that the affair was not your fault, everyone has choices, everyone can make a decision to cross a line or not. Unfortunately, our partners made their choices without regard for the partner left behind. Take care.

Also, sorry - clumsy wording above, when I say 'like my ex', I mean that mine was never my husband. Fully understand that you are married - sorry!

I think that you will find that almost every couple has their own unique way of sorting out their money and its only in hindsight, or when talking to others you realise that some of the arrangements were weighted towards one or other of the pair. It means you can use your inside knowledge of him as you work out a settlement.

Your Ex has his own financial agenda and always has by the sound of him. He uses money to keep himself at a distance from people yet reel them in closer when he wants something - you can see that by the lack of respect he has had for you and now, in turn, his DS. (Can't help but wonder if he's privately afraid that Miss Trophy GF is only in it for the visa/money? What if he marries her, then she hops it and cleans him out. You can be sure, as you have suggested, that he will be controlling her in the same way. A leopard doesn't change its spots.)

I have to say that I have got a clue about the money side of things. Sorry . My comments come from seeing friends have maintenance orders in place then their Ex suddenly (1) lose their job and not be able to find another so cannot pay towards his DCs (2) despite being self employed and having a high standard of living, have almost nothing in the bank officially and, you guess it... has no money to pay maintenance (3) leaves job and moves abroad with new bit of stuff where CSA cannot reach him and... pays nothing towards the DCs he abandoned.

What would be worth exploring - and someone else here may know, perhaps in the legal threads - whether you can get a settlement up front. Something which could be banked and give you peace of mind. Its just that your Ex sounds a pretty slippery customer and when Ms California starts to make him frayed round the edges - which will come - you need to have all this in the bag. Ignore all his grand gestures and his dishonest concern for your welfare. Stick on the track you are on now and you will be fine.

Even if it comes to the stage where you are supporting yourself 100%, it will be 100% better than where you are now.

And as for the dummy - tell him he can stick a dummy up where the sun don't shine. Only one of my DCs had one and there came a time when he decided he didn't want it himself. No pressure and no hassle. There is no right time and my DS is none the worse for it. If OW/Ex is a dummy-hater then you stand your ground and make it plain that you will be the one who manages its demise.

PS the fridge and crockery stories are funny. He's a sad bugger.

quick post, in a rush - he'll be doing the same to her as he did to you financially. i doubt she is turning the screws financially, it'll be all him (being mean and pernickety that is). leopard/spots etc, as above. She is probably passive, the 'perfect woman' (ie maleable, 'obedient') which is what he wanted you to be but didn't realise, until her ,that he could get it lock, stock. He probably thinks "all that time I was putting up with it" [real life that is! a real relationship!] "and now I realise I didn't have to - I can call all the shots!" he'll be driving this thing imo. That comment he made about his dad/his mother - sent chills down my spine.

Quick check in - seems that ex is planning on buying a house with new girlfriend......may explain his desire to pull back on money all of a sudden (they are off to see a house tomorrow which is in the town centre - near the train station!). He told me as I asked what progress he had made towards moving away.....it just gets more and more extreme in terms of their display of everlasting love....how can he seriously be considering buying a house with someone (assuming he is not buying it and then just not asking her for money or for a minimal contributions) that he has only lived with for less than a week?! That must have been some powerful arrow that was shot through their hearts.....the mind boggles (but not too much - irrespective of whether he buys or rents, MY choice is to rent and forge ahead with my plans, be they here or elsewhere.....).

Alldownhill - thanks for the spot-on advice. I think part of my heart hardening is due to low offer ex made re maintenance. Solictor advised me back in Jan to go for a voluntary agreement as ex with his sort of public facing job would more likely be willing to be more generous (not madly so) than CSA route. Now, after offer, I just cant be bothered with him/situation anymore. So he can offer me 2p and I will just go via CSA and if I get nothing, yes, supporting us 100% would be very empowering. Have told him where to ho wrt ditching the dummy just now...

springy - I just thought that comment was just weird when he said it. And how come he never mentioned this before (ditto, why didn't I ever ask for his reasons for doing certain things?!)? And how come he can walk blindly into marriage without a will and buy a house etc with her? So glad to be (almost) out of it now. Yes, I think that is ex down to a tee. He will ply her with lots of lovely generous gifts (Rado watch or diamond engagement ring anyone?!), insist that she wears them out to show them off and get compliments and when he ditches her (opps, that isnt ever, ever going to happen as she is his soulmate - sorry, forgot) will all so gentle remind her of all the lovely gifts he has bestowed on her throughout the relationship (forgetting about all the non-physial entity items she has bought him over the years). Yes, still going around telling everyone how happy he is now (yawn). Sometimes, I do wonder if ex is having a mid-life crisis - but I really dont care much anymore....he is not my problem anymore.....

DS is still refusing to speak on the phone to ex - though he has been fine with him coming round for pick-ups. I think its more to do with the fact that he is being forced to speak on the phone twice a day on the days ex doesn't see him, thats a lot, imho for a near 3 year old. Is he just rebelling? I would doubt that he has taken 'against' his Dad for this woman being in their lives - though unlike ex, I can see that DS is a lot more switched on than ex gives him credit for (we went to a friends a couple of months ago who have a little girl same age as DS and who has been here for playdates and we all went on hols in Dec 2010. We were sat around the kitchen table having lunch and the little girl pipes up 'Where is DS's_name Daddy?'.....I should probably relate this story to ex at some point as his main driver for doing all this now was that DS would just accept it all and would not be affected....DS has gone from having his dad on tap - ex worked from home - to this part-time parenting thing, where he sees nursery staff more than both parents combined....). Contact, that I know of, has been Weds and today (didn't ask for details).

Hi Darling

You sound in a really good place at the moment - well done and long may it continue!

Just a couple of things from my experience (and of course everyone is different but it is SCARY how many of them seem to refer to the text book of reactions and actions as someone else pointed out earlier in the thread). In terms of finances, whilst I do think you shouldn't be rushed into things and consider things properly, I do think people tend to move away from the more reasonable to the less reasonable as the reality sets in and other people 'get their ear'. Certainly my ex at one point agreed to what I thought was a reasonable amount until my DS was 7 which would have enabled me to have got a part time job if I was frugal so I would be there for my son. He changed his mind when apparently 'I pissed him off' and went backwards from there. Like you I was a bit 'fuck you, I will provide for MY son if you can't be bothered on your big fat top 1% salary' which is empowering but the reality I can tell you is less 'romantic'. Risk being flamed but I would urge you to - whilst not being insanely unreasonably - to try and get as decent amount as you think he will agree to. Sadly supermarkets don't take the moral high ground as payment for your weekly shop (as I am finding out - thank god I had a ridiculous handbag habit back in the London days so am flogging them on ebay to keep us afloat until the house sells. I don't mind per se - but its pretty farking galling as ex is currently on an unspecified holidays.

In terms of the daily phone calls. For the first 9 months he spoke to him once or twice a day which like you I found a pain in the ass but always picked up phone as didn't want to be THAT person...however I spoke to him saying that it was quite disruptive and maybe we could reduce amount....he ignored then a month or so later said you call me if DS wants to speak to me (which of course he rarely did given he is 3 and always into something else)....i do call occassionally kind of forcing DS - but kind of relieved/kind of sad that pretty much they don't speak aside from their every other w/end and every other thursday together....it is kind of what I wanted and easier for me to deal with but i'm also sad that he seems to have drifted away from those calls so easily...i hope that it is because he realises the disruption but I'm sad it maybe that it is just easier for him...

We are ok. I'm back into the waking up 4 times a night and replaying everythign and being in a state of disbelief, maybe as its nearly a year now. I hoped I would be feeling better by now but sadly not. cancelled date with mr tv ex as was feeling coldy fluey and realistically there isn't really a connection. I also saw him for coffee date earlier in the week and he and ex are embroiled in court, police, drama, which i don't want any part of, not to mention if it goes to court it will be in newspapers so don't want to be part of that as have enough drama in my own life!! Did have a nice day though with old school friend and his wife and family on mini thomas trains out in country NSW - although mini heart attack when one of kids trains turned over (my friend was on with DS and his son so was blissfully unaware until they emerged) but all were fine thank god.....

Lots of love to you and sympathies to those who have recently posted in similar circumstances - hard times indeed but Dee can teach you a lot about dealing with it!! - Dolly

IIRC wills are invalidated by marriage, your idiot would have to make a new will after he was married. Also wills can be changed.

I would take legal/financial advice re support for your little one. And don't rely on a word he says.