Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

What a pile of patronising bollocks he is throwing at you. He needs you to play a role and I suggest that you don't get flustered or emotional with him - and be careful that your emails are business like and short. They can always be dredged up if he wants to paint a picture of your behaviour in the future.

Maybe go along with some of his plans for now BUT... as Springy says GET AWAY FROM HIM. You can play at his game too.

You can plan your move and when the time is right, make your own announcement and GO. You can have a hidden agenda and when the time comes wave him goodbye and leave him in your wake. He happens to be the father of your DS, thats all. He has no relationship with you other than that, so don't feel that you are part of his life. In any other circumstances you wouldn't go near him with a bargepole.

I also agree that if your instinct is telling you things don't feel right, then go with those feelings. You owe him nothing. As a mother, you will have a very refined radar for this kind of thing. Use it.

GET AWAY FROM HIM
Do have your nice holidays etc with your son. Plan you move (and I would suggest you move even if within the same town/city), you sound as if you need to signal to him you are separate people. Talk to a solicitor and get everything on a more formal basis.
Some of what he is saying may well be her voice.
Also their hurried marriage won't necessarily get her a visa, actually could that be why he is trying to be friendly to you? An ex-partner with a small child, about to start fertility treatment doesn't show a long term committed relationship. Do make sure your solicitor knows all the facts.

Good luck!
You are sounding good btw!

Dee

BTW not meant in an I'll show you mine if you show me yours but to your point about not sharing the worst thing he said to you, it resonated with me and I will share something I haven't shared with anyone due to being ashamed but I now realise I have nothing to be ashamed of. My DH (hah) left a week into IVF and as I thought was mid life thing we went ahead with egg collection and fertilisation which I took as a good sign (why if no chance?) but with view to putting any embryos in freezer.

During collection which is quite uncomfortable although you are sedated I instinctively reached out for his hand but he would not take it or look at me. In post operative when I was in blue gown, bleeding, recovering and crying he looked at me and said 'I don't feel anything for you anymore so stop crying'...he then dropped me home with DS (2.5 at time) and despite being told I needed adult there he left. Painful even to write but the very painful truth. I remember this when I miss him.

Thanks for all the advice. Am definitely going to leave this alone. I will see what he does when he goes to pick up DS this afternoon. If I am honest with myself, I can see and tell that he is using this to reflect how he is being reasonable now and am sure he will go to great lengths to tell everyone what he has 'done' just for me, so I can feel comfortable. He will no doubt add in that new girlfriend suggested it, was all for it, as she wants me to be comfortable with her dealing with my child.....Gosh - it really is a big old drama at times.

I do think that this woman has his ear - from previous emails and sudden changes in remarks, I have sensed that someone else has had their input. I had asked him that when he calls for DS that he do so in private (was fuming and insistent on this as on one of her trips here he left a vile message on my phone and I heard her clearing her throat and coughing in the background!). He apologised, but then this morning, I can hear noises (like plates being put away/clattering in the background). I totally give up with him...to be honest, I think I gave up when he came back into the family home that time and told me in all seriousness that if he didn't call her every 15 mins she would phone the police. And he agreed with her as he didn't tell her to stop being silly or we were just having an argument (justified as it was Jan, he was still living in the house and I had caught him on the phone to her - from the house) and best to keep out. He had known me for 11 years and her for somewhere around the 11 weeks mark and that was the way he was prepared to view and treat me....this is why I have been concerned about what would happen once she arrived here. And he has not apologised once for that behaviour....

Dolly - you made me smile then. Ex has consistently played how he is being 'reasonable' by still paying into the house (though he did give me a limit on this) and how I am being unreasonable on everything else (e.g. stopping DS meeting OW/new girlfriend in Feb, at which point ex had only spent 13 or so nights (I do loose track) with her! I was being unreasonable by being angry (cos it was all my fault as well [shocked]) etc etc.....

As another who doesn't always take her own advice, I would say dont allow him opportunities to lecture, though easier said than done and my ex is a pro at it (he loves dotting my name around emails/texts when he is 'telling me off'). Or come back with a cutting put-down, but thats not so good and could cause a vicious cycle (as I know too well) as if your's is like me, he/they can do or say no wrong and end up just smirking or laughing in my/our face(s).

Sorry to also hear about lack of parental support from your ex (and his ironic flippant attitude). My ex has been quick to play good time dad, so that has given me some break at least, esp needed when working full-time, so can only imagine what it is like to be away from friends and family you love, trust and know and not have any support (esp from the one person who should be breaking their back to support you). Makes me angry (no surprise) esp as you are being forced to stay there. Any news on the job/house front?

I love what the architect guy said - will remember that one. I will try not to beat myself up about our past, though to be honest at the moment, I dont want to even think about it now as it does still fill me with anger that he is not only feeding this stuff to himself and new girlfriend, but also to friends. Some have said 'didn't realise things were that bad' - no, I didn't either, but hey ho...Good luck with the date! I am looking out there (literally just looking) but not got the bottle yet.....

I am struggling a bit with my anger. I am so, so angry with him....that he could do this in a flick of a moment and that he deliberately chose such hurtful actions and then thinks he can wipe the slate clean by telling me has regrets etc. I think it gets worse when I think that this woman was living in the US....from their 2 nights mid-Oct to next meet-up in early Dec, he had ample chance to talk to me, to leave, to do anything. If she had been here and he had been sneaking out to speak to her every week, several times a week, I could maybe understand it, but this scenario.....I know that this anger is good and good to work through the stages, but honestly, if I never saw him again, it wouldn't be too soon.

Springy, Alldownhill - ah, hadn't thought about my emails, though its been a while since I sent him an over-emotional one in reaction to something or another (and certainly no threatening ones or ones that can me misconstrued). Yes, will double check that they are all very business-like and very short. I am also aware that as new girlfriend is now living with him, he may be showing her things directly. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I only want to talk about the house or DS and thats it. At the moment, we are only communicating via email. After falling for the '20min' chat last Friday which turned out to be an hour and him revealing his wedding plans, I think I will come to the point of possibly saying something I will regret, so best not to talk bar the bare minimum. Yep, I am starting to put some feelers out now in terms of location and where we want to be and will keep this to myself until I know which way is up. Though he say once that he would have to follow me around the UK if I decided to up and leave current town, just so he could be with DS..I dont think I replied (this was ages ago though).

mummytime - have given up trying to work out the visa thing. Something smells fishy to me. She is supposedly doing an internal job transfer and they have known about this date for ages now. Only thing I can think of is that her lease in US expired and rather than move in with someone over there, she hot-footed it over here before visa sorted out. No idea how long a temp visa is and why that would necessitate them getting married. I suspect that he will tell any officials that they have been together since Oct last year, have had 'frequent' trips to see each other since Jan this year.....honestly, if she is here to get a visa or a rich hubby then good luck to her and more fool him (he didn't have a clue about spousal maintenance etc - probably because he doesn't have to give me any). But, I know that their crystal ball has determined that they will never ever argue, split-up, get on each others nerves, see a temp dip in sex life etc.....need to get myself one of those! Yep, will update the solicitor on all the details and latest turnings....

Dolly - huge, huge hugs.....that is awful. What a gutless, spineless reaction - since when did falling in love/being blissfully happy with someone else mean that people have to become nasty and mean to other people, and in particular the dumped wife/fiancee/girlfriend. I think its so true what someone wrote about this type of happiness being a selfish one. My ex is quite bitter at me - is that is his happiness now, I would take my current pain anyday.

take care - back to the office now.
dx

Please get the residency thing sorted asap just incase he decides not to bring DS home. There are.some nasty stories about how limited you can be to get him back!

Also he may be playing nice because he has 'won' in his eyes right now. Miss USA is here, they are cosied and loved up and he is introducing DS as per his schedule tonight. He can afford to be a little genwrous to you right now.

Dont be there for him to talk to or when they have their first argument. It is not your problem.

Good luck and stay strong.

A couple of quick notes for now...

I agree with Xales about you being there to talk to him. There is a theme in your posts. He kind of makes it so you have to listen to him - turned out to be an hour etc... I think that ironically you are one of the few people in RL who will listen to him and one of the few people in RL who may be interested. Make sure he realises that you don't give a monkeys. Try and call a halt to conversations like these. He obviously likes talking about himself. Yawn...

Also (and this is just a thought on the side ) I do start to wonder what sort of person this OW is. She's a shadowy figure in the background from very early on in the relationship and he seems to have given her a lot of power in the relationship. The crap about phoning the police etc. She sounds a right charmer. My guess is that she has enough baggage of her own - after all, who follows someone around the world after a few hotel shags? Whatever baggage she has will be well hidden at the moment. When it starts to seep out, make sure you are well out of listening range.

Hi Dee,

Have been lurking in the background and must say how much I admire you for the way you are coping in the face of extreme shittiness .

Just a thought re OW, have you done a criminal records check on her if she is having problems re visa. If you google free criminal checks USA, there are a number of sites that come up. Did one on someone my Dsis met online, US citizen living in the EU but wasn't allowed to leave current country for UK . She was very cagey about him, he had strange name that he had changed (even more ) - anyway to cut a long story short, he had been inside in the USA for soliciting a minor ), managed to get details of the conviction, the state he was sentenced in and his real name (which Dsis didn't know) for his "made up" one ......

My DH also had an affair so I know how painful it is. Remember dignity at all times, try and step away from the drama of it all and keep all your cards close to your chest. Plan your escape/move, do it and then tell him - it's all about control.

Good luck.

Heavens Counting! what a story.

I was thinking more about her relationship history in terms of the speed of them getting-it-together-and-getting-married thing. In the same country you'd think it a bit bold, across continents it takes on a different meaning. Might just be her body clock ticking wanting to get away from hometown and he turned up at the right time and was a complete mug suitable.

On the whole introduction thing; if the boot was on the other foot and you were the one returning home with Brad Pitt (or insert name of choice), would he be happily letting his child go into that situation without waiting for everything to settle down?

Big hugs, Dee. Think you're doing brilliantly. X

I can breathe - it has happened. Ex did his introduction today. I feel relieved in a way as it is finally getting it over and done with (the big first meeting - well, big for me, hopefully happy and regular one for DS). Been a long old 6 months waiting for this and I have kind of stressed myself out with the anxiety/build up.....but its done. Also means of course that ex's email about how things could be done so I was comfortable was probably him just trying to appease himself/trying to be nice but I dont think he would/could follow through. I could hazard a guess that it has been a big build up for them as well - in terms of getting over this bridge and onto the busy life of step-families........

Funnily enough, whilst they were at a play centre (I did ask in case he took him to the park that is near me us. They would have had to pass my road to get home and with me driving back....no, not prepared for that yet (so in hindsight, meeting her now probably would not have been a good thing - defo not good for the soul at the moment)) I went to go and look at house. Have no intention of buying as do not want to commit myself to any ties here, but I know the estate agent and it was really nice to think about the possibilities of buying a place for DS and I at some point down the line. As every one says, it will be the final separation moving out of here......cant wait!

I did get a text half-way through their play-date informing me that DS was tired (no kidding? He gets up at 5.30am every morning, more or less, and is in nursery from 8am to 5.30pm. Dont think I would like to be playing bouncy castles and meeting new people at the end of such a long day. BUT, I made it very clear that this was ex's decision, I didn't agree with it being so soon, but he was determined it would happen this week and it just couldn't wait until Sat morning for them when he next has him. Hmmmm, not sure why they skipped meeting on Monday though?!). He bought him back 15mins early in the end. DS seemed a bit peed, but I dont think this was because of new girlfriend, just general tiredness. Ex tried to tell me that DS didn't seem happy, didn't want to play much and seemed cross with him (ex that is)!! Honestly, just couldn't be bothered to put him straight (and besides why cant he work out the tiredness thing himself?) esp as I am keeping our verbal contact to a minimum. Just asked him to please send me a text with outline of DS' day at nursery as he did the pm pickup and he was gone. He sent texts and tried to phone, but didn't answer as if important he can text/email and I just didn't trust myself to have a civil and calm conversation with him. Phew.....next meeting is on Sat morning. I am also playing hardball and told him that no, he cant come round tomorrow or Friday night to play with DS (we agreed to 2 nights a week and weekend). I no longer want to pander to his needs and wants when he cant be bothered with mine (though, if ex was distressed and crying for Dad in the meantime I would contact him for DS' sake, though tbh, DS has only asked for him a handful of times since he left in Jan)....

Glass of wine and 'The Apprentice' I think - cant believe I have made it through the day!

Well done you!

Good for you . well done. Do you think the more you get on with life the more he thinks his isn't so rosey? He might have to get used to ds being cross if he won't play ball and join his new happy family when it suits himm. Hope you get a good evening. Don't fret about saturday you're doing so good.xx

Bravo! Well done girl for getting through today. I sincerely hope DS was awful

Well done Dee, one big hurdle over. The visits will get easier, but now make plans for you and DS.

I was always going to move back to Kent when my exH left when the children were 11 and 13 but they were both settled in school in grammar schools and I felt I would be selfish because of my needs to make them move. But I definitely would have moved back if they were younger.

Hugs to you and Dolly. xx

Xales - thanks for the advice. Yes, was looking at getting a residency order. Will bring this up with the solicitor and she what she recommends. I hadn't thought out their hols to the US and no doubt, he would want to take DS there on occasion, so need to get that sorted.

Alldownhill - yes, am implementing strict no contact now. Surprisingly easy now that new girlfriend is pitched up in his house. I do not want to be friends, so need to curb my 'listening' to him. Going hard for contact via email/text this week, may shock him a bit as well, as I probably have been a bit too available to him in hindsight (manically so in the beginning - we were probably feeding off each other I guess?!). Have reiterated - via email - the request not to hear or read about his regrets and wishes for an alternative outcome etc. Have long had my suspicions about new girlfriend. I also have suspicions that they may have got together before Oct..else, yes, a bit odd that she promised him to come over here to be with him based on just 7 nights together and however many weeks of emotional attachement via email/skype/phone etc. She had not met DS then, not met ex's friends or family (met his work colleagues though!) so a bit extreme in my opinion. I also have my suspicions about what ex has told her about himself (what could she have actually seen in those 7+6 nights to claim he was wonderful and that she was so lucky to have found him ). He could have been a wife beater or a drug addict for all she knew..They could just be madly in love and have just thrown any notion of common sense out of the window. She is welcome to her grand prize as I certainly dont want him.

Yep, told him countless times how he would feel if tables were reversed, doesn't make much diffference and anything I suggest is for my benefit (yep, most defo would agree that holding off introductions for a bit would have been for my benefit, so I can catch up and breathe! I doubt it makes much of a difference to DS if its this week or next. But I am not the important one here).

counting - hadn't thought about a check! May get my sister to check...Thanks for the kind words - yes, need to keep out of the drama, though just heard from a friend that ex bumped into our neighbour on the platform and proceeded to go on about how happy he was, how he had moved on and justifying his actions to the point where this neighbour was worried about me and told my friend in terms of how I was coping and reacting (I have seen the neighhbour a few times). I was tempted to send him a curt email telling him to quit this crap (he has utterly no shame - all the more reason to move on and leave I think), but you know, cant be bothered. Just dont want to be sucked into that drama anymore (or for him to make me look like the sad case who should have seen it all coming and was unlucky enough to let him slip away). So, actually, he can go around telling everyone what he wants. As said, I want him to think - and know - that I really dont give a monkeys (am getting there) about him and his happiness......

enuff - thanks - feels more like I am paddling than drowning these days....cant thank MN and kind folk on here enough....

poogles, cje, romney, springy* - huge thanks for the support. Woke up this morning feeling liberated. Its like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders....... . Long old road ahead, but feel free a bit now....

Thats fantastic to read Dee. Today: Day One!!

Its your life, you choose. Have a good day.

go deeglad today is good.x

Thanks - today has been really good. I feel totally on a different plane now - and that I am actually in charge of my choices. Met some friends for lunch and they were asking me about the whole Friday/car/marriage bomb thing (I had given a very short snap via email) and you know? I was talking and I just thought, I cant even be bothered to talk about him and all the nonsense he comes out with. Its like I have had a good sharp dose of reality myself (where from?!). I went into the canteen to meet said friends and noticed that I got a few stares (not that hard as work in a mainly male environment ) and I actually felt like there was some possibility for me.

I know that this is the start of the journey now that new girlfriend is here and that DS could meet them/her on Sat and come back reciting her name, but, at the moment at least, I just feel as if 'so be it'. Am now determined to get everything down in writing and filed with solicitor at my appt in a few weeks time and crack on with life. Honestly, I just cant be bothered with ex and minimal contact via text or email is great! He phoned twice tonight to speak to DS (both times DS strode up to the base station and put the phone down - he was busy watching Tinkerbell). I asked DS to say hello and say goodbye before he hung up, but he just said no - I dont take any satisfaction in that, and will take care to make sure its just a tired/busy reaction (which I think it is, as plenty of times I call he wont say more than hello as he is busy playing etc. Not a biggie, I think?). But, when ex phoned for the 3rd time, just decided to leave it. And I felt so empowered. I hadn't denied him speaking to his son, but I just didn't feel cowed or that I had to answer to his whim anymore. I have spent the last 6 months doing the right thing, answering his demands for twice a day phone calls (even when he was on holiday in the US with her and when he took her to his hometown to introduce her to his family - even pulling over whilst driving so he could speak. Mainly because I just wanted the call over and done with). I was also always scared he would turn around and say 'well, you cant phone DS then either', but I have realised with DS sleeping over at his dads that (1) he doesn't always want to chat and (2) as much as I miss him, I dont need to force myself on him and into his and ex's time twice a day (always thought this was excessive).

I also realise that I have no feelings left for him - okay, maybe deep down there is something (I doubt it), but I think the wedding news sealed it for me. I had no reaction towards him and me and the fact that we were engaged when we split - just felt, indifferent really. My main concern was DS and secondly, yes, ex as in he should really start to take care of himself financially as even if it is true love forever and ever, something doesn't smell right imho. I am still incredibly hurt that he could treat me like this for the grace and favour of his new girlfriend and will always have 'how could he?' moments, but its more the treatment now, not the loss of his love if that makes sense?

I have also been catching up with the thread from Saffysmum and quite inspired by the detachment and 'carrying on'. All similar to the good stuff that people have been advising me on here for ages. I am finally listening (I hope)!

I will probably come crashing down to earth - but hope this feeling lasts for a bit anyway.

Thanks all - have been posting like a mad 'un what with everything that has happened in the last 10 days ('she's coming', 'we're getting married', 'she's here', 'she is meeting DS'). I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, am grateful for the advice and kind words. You have saved me - and my sanity - a million times over.

Dx

Dee - just a thought but instead of you having to ask him to text/email about your DS's day at nursery could you just make an ongoing arrangement with the nursery to speak to them directly and get the run-down from them? Just thinking of ways to limit your comms and not getting sucked into further converations off-topic, which he seems to be very good at and which causes you (understandably) a lot of angst.

i didn't really want my ex to have too much comms with school, nursery etc. I didn't honestly think he cared enough and time proved he didn't: that the main thrust of his involvement in our lives was to torture me. tbh.

I can hear very definite evidence here of A Corner Turned, Dee . I remember a similar Corner Being Turned in my life - when he told me he didn't love me when he married me, only went through with it because he couldn't see a way out and, anyway, "you are so unstable it would have destroyed you" (think I've talked about that before on here). I just thought: you total prick, you moron, you liar - in your dreams, mate. I was incensed. Something in my heart hardened: I didn't owe him a thing.

Rejoicing with you Dee (rah! rah!)

Springy's hit the nail on the head identifying the heart hardening moment as key. When you arrive at that point you will find that the mention of OW doesn't induce nausea, panic and a sense of despair (well, it won't most of the time...) and it sounds like you are touching on that point. My heart hardened on Monday when I realised the vileness of what he has done and how little he has respected me or really cared for anything other than his own needs. I know how easier things seem to be for me since my heart hardened and I am so pleased that you have had a good day - the ice maiden cometh :) (I mean that in the nicest possible way)

Lurker here
You are all amazing...I really respect the inner strength you have drawn on.
So ...(very un-MN)...Bright Blessings, you wonderful women!