ssnowflakes ? I was with my ex for 11 years, and have always paid into the rent, mortgage, bills etc. I took voluntary redundancy last March to pursue a freelance career, which ex and I agreed would be best for a variety of reasons, including, primarily how this would fit around caring for the family, home and DS and his upbringing. We discussed and agreed this, as we also discussed and agreed that we didn't want DS to go to nursery full-time, as we were fortunate enough to have an option to not have to do this. And, yes, it was clearly discussed and agreed (as was having baby number 2 - ex had even been to the Drs to get his sperm pot thing two days before he first slept with OW on his work trip). I also had a demanding job and with ex?s demanding job (and no family locally) something had to give. To facilitate this, I ?paid? myself a monthly wage from said redundancy (i.e. my ?savings?, no idea what you mean by 'THE SAVINGS'....we have joint savings which we have both agreed not to touch), of which 75% went into the joint account, the remaining 25% of which covered my petrol, own bills, nursery days when needed, my clothes, going out etc. I sat down with my ex and asked him what we should do when the redundancy option came up. He reassured me that we would be fine, he would be fine supporting us in the event that my redundancy money ran out etc. On this basis, I left my job. My ex earns 100k+ a year. The savings that he has (that I can see as we have a shared plan with the mortgage, though I know he has other ISAs and funds elsewhere) are not far off his annual salary ? and please note, these are his savings. All the bonuses he has accumulated and money saved are his. They have usually just been left sitting in his savings account. By the time I found a job in March, I was down to less than half of my savings (and in case, you are wondering, my previous savings were wiped out with paying my share for solicitor fees and house duties when we moved into current house and covering my contributions into the house when I went down to SMP whilst I was on maternity leave, so I still paid my full share into our house, based on my old full-time income for several months). My ex first asked me to dip more into my savings back in Jan, when I didn?t have a job, had no prospect of a job and he was off living the high-life (he was still in the house at the time, and would think nothing of coming back from a work trip to London at all hours, working from the house, where he would be calling/texting/skyping this woman under my nose and flying off for weekends away and posting photos on FB). But, yes, I take your point that he did continue to pay into the house ? mainly as we had an agreement that he would do this for 6 months until I could get a job/we sold the house. We have a huge house and mortgage. I would not have chosen to live in such a big house by myself and realistically, it was easier for ex, being single and with a job that sees him travelling a lot, to move out and I stay put with our son. The 6 months term is up, which coincides with my ex?s new partner coming over, so I expect things to change a lot (though house has still not sold, so we have several options around buying each other out, though I cant afford it on my current salary, though could have done on my old salary).
I have said before that I appreciate that my circumstances ? at least financially ? are not as dire as some other people and for that I am grateful. I was very lucky to find a job. I am in no way trying to take him to the cleaners for his money. His income is his income, we were not married. His savings are his savings ? not mine. I have never touched it (the pot I can see) and never would. When I go to the supermarket, I pay for my things (toiliteries, food if not part of something DS will eat/drink from) separately to things for DS so as not to cause an argument with him. What he pays into the house is for his share of the mortgage, bills, food and clothing for DS. And yes, it is a share as I am also paying into this joint account. If we could sell the house and go our separate ways, I would be over the moon. I have hated, esp in the early days, having to pander to him and his whims because he did actually tell me on one occasion that as I was being unreasonable not letting him introduce our son to his girlfriend on her first trip here that he would no longer be reasonable and fund his share of the house (this was in Feb, before I had a job). In the end, they didn't meet, but I of course know that the day she arrives here, ex will no doubt take our son round to see her. My ex still has his high paying job, his girlfriend is merely transferring from her US office to a London office in the same company and has a good job, so I do feel angry that if he was so unhappy why he didn't stop me from leaving my well paid job back in March? A job where I could have been working part-time for the same salary I am now working full-time for.....but, then I am hopeful that I can revive the freelance career and have started to focus on this when my son is at his dads. I want to scream that its not fair and its shitty - because for me, it isn't fair and it is shitty. But then, that is the situation I am in. I am working now, full-time and getting on with it. I don't have a choice. And in-between the bad days when I post on MN, things are getting a bit easier.
In terms of where he lives - this is an issue for me. Not so much now of course, but when his girlfriend moves here. From my back garden, I can see the house that is at the end of his street, so yes, a bit too close for me. We both drive. Ex used to drive to come round here and pick up DS until one day we were arguing and I mentioned that it was too incestuous with him living around the corner and how he drove anyway. As soon as I said that he then started walking over here with DS (he moved out in Jan and DS didn't start sleeping there until April as he choose to order some fancy furniture from M&P that took that long to arrive. On a selfish note, yes, that did suit me as it delayed DS having to go and sleep over, but he is sleeping there now, when ex is here and not away on business/holiday. But, again, ex's choices here). Even he has conceded that it would be too close once his girlfriend arrives, so they are moving somewhere to some dream village that is actually further away than I imagined he would want to go, so I question his thing about wanting to be close to DS. Especially as I have said before that one of the infuriating things is that ex was always really good with DS and very focused on him.
Yes, I have called him horrible. Yes, I have said that he is angry (and of course, I am angry as well) and yes, he has said some horrible things to me, and me to him. It's not a very nice situation - made worse by the fact that everything has been gearing up towards new girlfriend moving here next month. I am angry for myself and fearful for my son as he is included in this mix, but I realise that there is only so much I can do/affect in terms of his care and wellbeing when he is away with his dad. I am not saying for a second that I fear for DS whilst he is with his dad (though, he could do with a good dose of common sense). It is more the situation that he will be exposed to.
Anyway, am sure you will come back and say that I did this, or I didn?t do that etc etc (in fact, you do sound like my ex - along with stating that I am a victim and to grow up. Or, perish the thought, the OW/girlfriend? Madness, I know, but it would so confirm my suspicions about her mental wellbeing and being in contact with DS). Fair enough. I don't think I have ever proclaimed on here that we had the perfect relationship and yes, I have flaws as much as my ex. I have often said that I have been the one to get into an argument with him (mainly because I am/was searching for answers to my many questions). Though there have been times when he has come round here and been vile etc. But, it was his choice to sleep with someone, it was his choice not to talk to me (and no, I did not - in my opinion - shut him down on any approaches he made to speak to me, because, he made none). I think I have mentioned that when it came down to it, I did a lot for ex - even he has admitted as much in between saying that I did nothing for him (he has also admitted that he is lazy). And yes, he did do things for me, and we did things together. Obviously, one of the things I didn't do was act as if I was in the first flush of love and all that comes with it (100s of texts/emails every day, rampant, fresh and exciting sex X times a day - think we managed 7 times in one night when we first got together). Having a small child (who was such a poor sleeper, we got referred to HVs and eventually got a private sleep counsellor in) can mean that the focus is slightly shifted. And, yes, I have often said in RL at least, that I regret that we BOTH didn't invest in ourselves as a couple fully.
He may clearly have not loved me anymore, but he could have left at any time before all this happened. My ex had plenty of choices and only he knows why he chose the path he did. He couldn't even be arsed to tell me the truth before he went off to America for NYE, instead giving me the fluff I have already mentioned. I have heard enough from him about his 'deep regrets' (and these have also come out of the blue and not preceded by any argument/interaction between us) and wishing he hadn't done this, had done that. Probably the guilt talking. I was not hanging onto his coat-tails or so completely and utterly dependent on me or whatever that he couldn't have come to me and bought this all out in the open. He came back from his work trip where he first met her with a bottle of champagne to celebrate for when we did finally get pregnant. Again, am sure some who knows about all this stuff will tell me that that was some guilt-ridden gift.
In terms of him not doing anything particularly bad - I wont even bother writing anything, as we clearly differ on this. I will say that even his own sister said she was angry and shocked at what he did over NYE (he only told her/his family about his actions over NYE/abandoning us at the end of January when his sister asked for my new mobile number as she wanted to contact me and knew it would come up. He was still going on with some fabricated story to them about her whereabouts/background). Maybe even he (the ex) realised that what he did wasn't particularly good, hence why he kept quiet?). I left a lot out of my original post as I started posting a good few weeks after this all came to light. Things I am embarrassed about now - how I originally begged him to come 'back' when he came back after NYE and how he practically pushed me away. How, just four weeks, on the night he moved out of the family home, I later I fell for his lines about still loving me, how he wanted to date again, see if we would work, but then I found out about the then OW actually being here that week the whole time he was telling me this, so I blew that out of the water by refusing to go on a 'date' with him and starting the process of shutting the door on him. I am glad for this though, as I strongly suspect that otherwise, I would have stumbled into a false reconciliation whilst he ping-ponged between us over different continents. But the man has left me with deep scars; I cant even bear to write on here (or elsewhere) that I love him as I still have the images of where he shrugged me away and looked at me in distaste burned in my head. The love I had for him as my partner and fiancee is dying off now, aided by the situation as it has evolved in the last 5 months....
Anyway, please feel free to poo-poo over the above and really, as I was writing this, it felt just like I was dealing with my ex in the early days. I could go on and on (and yes, I do sometimes - I guess I use this like an online, talking diary most times). You are welcome to your comments/opinions. It also made me realise that I am far from a victim and that if this is how my ex is viewing me, then I will really up the ante and fully resolve to impart all of the advice on here about showing him true indifference. He is not my problem anymore and, yes, I am tired of giving him so much headspace, so I will try and be consistent with my thoughts for the lost relationship with the end goal of one day being able to get on with my life and not give him a second thought. Anyway, I do sincerely hope that this never happens to you (would never wish this on anyone, except the OW/girlfriend in the odd, fleeting dark moment) - it is a horrible place and situation to be in. I have had to 'grow up' and get on with real life, whilst ex lives on the promise of a fantasy, dream life with a woman whom he has spent more time skyping and emailing than in her actual company.
On a brighter note, I also just want to give huge thanks to everyone who has offered me some amazing support as I really, really struggled with the loss, shock, grief, pain, everything. You have all made me realise that life does get better (amazingly, it really does! Though I didn't believe it in the early days. The days of suddenly bursting into tears, or spending all day moping around are getting further apart. The missing him and our old life has started to ebb slowly....), life does go on and it is possible to heal from this. I have realised that I am not crazy or silly in terms of some of the thoughts and emotions I have experienced. It has been so cathartic to come here and have a moan and I have always taken the advice in good faith and am very, very grateful to each and every person that has taken the time to post and get back to me. I am aware that some of my posts have been in a heightened state of anxiety (just after seeing ex, ex in the house and I am out of the way whilst he plays with DS etc) and I know that some people have been very patient with me as I keep making the same mistakes. I finally get it all now - about really focusing on me and DS, not giving my power away and standing up for myself. Thank you.
Also, many, many thanks for the support in response to ssnowflakes comments.
I will take a break from the boards for a bit - give myself some time to really put that attitude of indifference into full working mode!
PS: sorry for the very long and 'deep' post......Again, hope that this isn't read as my being a victim as it is really not my intention.