Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

last time I dropped by unexpectedly at his rented place, was during the clothes horse incident in Feb and he told me then that I needed to give him notice before I 'popped' round.....

Hang on then, so is this how it goes: what's his is his but what's yours is his too.

a few weeks? why are you waiting a few weeks? It sounds like you are trying to be uber reasonable, explaining and being decent. You don't need to do any of that Dee: make statements, move swiftly to defend yourself. Not nice, not nasty, just firm. You don't have to cower Dee - he's the unreasonable shit, not you. xx

Ok my X is meant to text about Sunday visits ,he didn't,i texted yesterday,he said he was picking them up ,then cancelled this morning half an hour b4 pick up,so that's 2 visits in 10 weeks.

Patience - so sorry to hear that your ex is pissing you and your DC around....its so unfair and they just don't get it do they?

Well, mine has come back and said that he is off on an overnight meeting - on surprise, surprise, one of the nights when he is supposed to have DS.....just worked out on the calendar, that for the next 16 nights, starting tomorrow, he will see DS tomorrow night and Tues and then possibly on Thurs am....after that, he is off to US for his combined business trip and 'holiday'....As advised, I will be making notes of these dates and when (not if) he comes back moaning about how he hasn't seen DS for ages and oh, can he see him on a night I have him, I will tell him, very politely to get stuffed! Have always said I would be flexible for emergencies and with advance notice for just causes, but adding another 6 nights to your stay in the US, so he can go on a shagging holiday just doesn't cut it! It makes me mad that he will come back and moan about his rights and there will be people who will put pressure on me saying 'well, he is his dad' and 'he has a right to see him'....I don't deny that, but he just assumes that I will fit in with his plans (he never mentioned anything about this overnight business trip this morning and doubt it was confirmed/organised on a Sunday afternoon). I was used to taking up all the slack and crap and fitting in my life around him when we were together (one of the things I didn't support him on, so he says....I never supported his career apparently), but surely this is taking the pee a bit?! Its not even as if he is working his arse off to come back and give me oddles of cash or treat me to a nice holiday for being so (un)supportive (not money minded, but the principle, iyswim....that so-called spa overnight gift for Mothers Day never materialised....all just words with him, not that I would want it anyway).

springydaffs - yes, I need a good kick up the bum when it comes to interacting with him, in terms of standing up for my rights etc. I think I am getting there in terms of the detaching working its wonders. My emails and texts are hardly loaded with emotional context these days.....so that is good...?!

Resisted the temptation to inform him of his (very limited) availability for the next 16 nights when he called this evening.....he can do what he wants and seriously doubt my calling him out on this will inspire a lightbulb moment of 'oh yeah, I'm not really putting DS first am I?'....and as it would have invariably involved him telling me that he can do what he wants, that I am to blame for everything, I would rather not have him ruin my Sunday evening by arguing with him......again, this detaching thing is great!

As you know Dee, I think you're a complete star for how you've faced all this.

I'm only pointing out the things I do because ime it is so easy to lose sight of obvious things when you're struggling to keep even the basics going (eg breathing!), it is a notorious time for falling into traps, particularly as he is totally manipulating you - plus society holds a sword over any mother who could have a whiff of being seen to be witholding contact. We are faced with, quite frankly, impossible expectations in situations like this and tbh I think these controllers sniff out the weak areas and play them for all they're worth, just to keep you off balance - remember that's what controllers/manipulators do, constantly pull the rug from under your feet so you don't get a firm footing.

As for all the shit he is spouting - my dear, if you were the Queen of Sheba he'd still be be complaining that you didn't get it right. I really would try not to take any notice of the accusations he is spouting to left and right. I run out of words but sweetheart, he is a shit, he is being a shit, through and through. There is nothing redeeming in any of his behaviour at the moment, he is not the person you knew and love

... or maybe he is, but that's another story

Springydaffs - Have sent you a PM! I really, really appreciate all the kind, thoughtful, honest and supportive words that you and others have offered on this thread. This has been my saving lifeline, when I have been stuck with things going round and round in my head and not wanting to tell RL friends all, as I get the sense that they (not all, but some) dont get the full picture, horror and torture to have your life-long partner cheat on you. How it shocks your very foundations and you doubt every single thing as they can calmly tell you that they dont love you anymore, haven't done so for so many months/years (despite the letters, emails, texts, words saying otherwise)...I felt like I was going mad, and it was having an outlet here that made me realise that I was okay to feel down, mad, upset, angry, jealous, hurt, broken, positive, negative, whatever really!!! Before all this drama, the last time I was really on MN was when I was pregnant with DS....

I do wonder about my memories of ex before all this happened and it is starting to get blurred. I really do struggle to reconcile the partner from the ex and the way he has turned on me. Unfortunately, any good memories, are for now, cut out by the horrid things he has said and done. Maybe in time I can get past that, but for now, when I look at him, I have no respect or like for him. Instead, I feel anger, sickness and sorrow - not an ideal way to think about the father of your child, but thems the breaks I guess.....I never ever thought that I would see the day when all I would be asking was for ex to treat me with some respect or where I would see an email/text from him and note that if he has said 'Hi Dee34' at the start, then I would be grateful for him being 'nice' to me, regardless of the rest of the content of his comms....am over that now though (the email/text thing....just assume all comms in business like stance. He doesn't like me so I try not to let it bother me...)...

Well, third time for DS to sleep over at ex's....and am starting to get 'used' to it, as much as I can. DS was so eager to go to ex's house, which is of course good as would rather that than have him kicking and screaming as they left. I did have a silly, unfounded fear that DS would forget about me and would always prefer going to his Dads, but realise that I am being a bit silly (I hope!).....

Have stuck to my guns about contact time this week. He seems to have lumped it for now, but am sure he will drag something out just before he goes away (on Sat - yippee!! Sad for DS as think he will miss him - 11 days is a long time for a toddler, or will it not really affect him? - but glad of the respite from ex. Will just have to deal with his calls).

Going to see a therapist tomorrow who deals with all sorts of interesting things...I saw her briefly last year when I was looking to start another career and in a quandry about leaving my job (the one ex encouraged me to leave as he would 'support us'.....grrr!!). Think I am ready for more practical techniques and sessions to move on as opposed to the counselling. Relate have been great, but I am getting a bit worn down with talking about ex...ready to put him out of my head on an emotional level for now, but wouldn't rule out going back in a few months time....we'll see.....

BTW, has anyone heard from solost, robberbutton or romenymarsh - hope they are all okay..

Romney is still posting on dumpling no more dee,you sound like you have moved forwards away from the darker place u were in,wishing u strength for this week therapist sounds a nice treat x

The new therapist sounds like a very positive move. Well done. xx

Hi Dee - I don't have any advice as I (thankfully) haven't been through what you are going through, but I have been following your progress and just wanted to say I think you're doing brilliantly. :)

I've found it very inspiring seeing you cope with all this and rebuild yourself back up, and wanted you to know there are other people too cheering you on!

Stay strong x

See Dee? such kindness, all round. blather away - if there's any time you deserve the space to blather away, it's now. Fill the blasted site if you like

PM'd you back. Just had a thought about ds having a 'marvellous time' with ex. If he's anything like my ex - and he sounds like it - he will be pulling out all the stops to be the most wonderful, most marvellest, stunningest daddy on the planet. Think Disney. He's so enraptured by his new spangling self that he will want to be spreading the love. And who better than his own son, to smother and groom. Yes I used that word on purpose - I'm afraid I've experienced it (you hear of mothers who are bereft that ex's neglect the kids - I longed for that tbh. NOt to be flippant about it, just had the other side in extremis ). I'd get LO away from him if I were you. He'll see him, no doubt, and ex will continue with the Disney Pop to the full... except when he has something else on his mind, something else he wants to do, and ds will be dropped for a while, only to be picked up again as another walk-on part in his play. He's not good for either of you for the forseeable future imo. imvvho. xx

Sorry Dee, posted that too late. By groom I don't mean sexually but emotionally

Its been a few days...

Had an unfortunate run-in with ex over the beanbag again (did I post this earlier in the thread?). He (tried to) ask me all matter of factly where DS' beanbag was as he couldn't 'see' it in either living room or kitchen (he was round seeing DS as he was buggering off to London on Weds evening and was so mad keen to see DS). Beanbag was in fact upstairs, but did break detachment slightly to let him know that I did not appreciate his warped views on how I could destroy any childs/DS' beanbag....I haven't even touched his stuff - the man gets his post delivered here still (including his payslip, credit card and bank statements etc) and has a ton of personal belongings here which I have not touched..I am just so shocked that he can stoop to this level. I do wonder what he is going around telling 'his' hometown friends (i.e. the ones I didn't see regularly etc).

On a brighter note - the new therapist looks promising. Have a session next Tuesdday lunchtime, so will see how that goes. Am very keen to focus more on me, without labouring too much on ex (for now).....going to be doing some inner core work?! ohhlaalaa - am hoping it will help me spend more energy on me than him/them. Esp key in the wake of her imminent arrival on the 1st July......honestly, at times, it all does seem like a dream and I do have a crafty wonder if they have been together longer than ex has let on. But, am not so bothered to know now......all in the past, and can never trust him to tell the truth. A bit sad as well, as with all this '2+ years unhappiness' line he is trotting out, I have been doubting our whole relationship as he honestly didn't ever let on that he was so unhappy....

Talking of ex - have been having some weird 'fantasies' about him, her and their perfect life. I know I shouldn't indulge in them, but I guess his going away on Sat is a bit of a trigger. Esp as DS has just started sleeping over etc.

Patience - am maybe getting there! Still have dark moments and am dreading OW arriving here and interacting with DS and carrying on like some perfect little step-family....arrrggh! How are things with you?

Ineedcake - thank you for the support and popping by. I will always maintain that I dont know where I would be without the fantastic support here on MN. It is awful that cheating etc is such a common thing - I hope that anyone else going through similar can take heart from the support and advice that everyone has so kindly offered me.

springy - have pm'd you back! I kind of know what you mean about the absent dads. I in no way want to undermine anyone in these circumstances as can feel from what Patience alone has posted that it must be seriously heart-breaking and soul-destroying to have your childrens father suddenly just disappear off the landscape (and being left to manage on your own and explain their actions etc)....I guess that these are the two extremes? Dads that just vanish/dont bother and those that domineer and bully and push around for their 'joint access' and rights when it suits them. I guess its hard to compare and wouldn't want to offend anyone....hope I haven't...

Dee im fine cant complain,i just was looking at a whole lot of old photos and was crying a bit ,just emotional at the past few years ,but i can honestly say I wasnt crying about X ,just miss where i used to live and my old job LOL x
Get him to get rid of all his stuff and redirect his mail ,or just bag it and warn him you will dump it.I just got fed up and tipped all his stuff out on the grass outside our house ,we were rural so nobody saw it but it lay in the rain overnight ,Id had enough by that point x

Patience - have actually ditched his stuff in the garage for now . Came after he refused to move his stuff from the wardrobe....what I wrote above is what I told him! Numptey still thinks his crap is in the bedroom, but it's not....I was thinking about the mail. A friend said that esp if you redirect bank statements or do a return to sender it can cause 'trouble'...still wouldn't touch what he has put me through, and tbh, dont think I could even be bothered to re-write an address and trudge down to the PO....I just chuck his stuff in a pile in his old home office. He knows thats where they go, so when he is either dropping/picking DS up he will sometimes check (had a hoot when his tax bill thing came in and he got in a huff because I hadn't explicitly told him that it had arrived...). Of course, the ever wary side of me does think that there is another reason for him still getting his mail delivered here i.e. it saves a job for when he/they move in here, but cant think about that now....

Sorry that you had a cry, but hopefully it was good to let it out.......I get teary every so often, though am shocked that it has eased off a bit, so quickly....I think I am languishing in the anger stage. Which has been compounded by the ex going away for 11 nights. He dropped DS off this evening, and I just couldn't resist clarifying with him that actually, he could not dispute that in this instance at least, DS was not his sole/main priority and that actually his girlfriend was....Also told him that I did not want him calling here in the week bemoaning how much he was missing DS or giving me more of the same on his return (or worse, asking to see DS every day and night for a week to make up for time away). He didn't say anything - oddly for him - just stood on the doorstep staring at me like some lost child (sorry, springydaffs, I did feel a teeny, tiny bit of pity for him, but didn't let on). And then he left....asking me if I could set up skype first...

We also had a bit of an incident this afternoon - he sent me an email about house stuff (possibly buying my share and renting it out via an agency) and for some reason, it just really tipped me over the edge. Must have been tired, grumpy etc, esp as if this does go ahead I get my freedom....so I texted him some nonsense about being tired of all the crap and hope he was happy with his freedom (I know, I know....). He sent a text back saying 'sorry I hurt you, wish we spoke more about this last year' and that he has 'thought a million times how to stop this, reverse this'....honestly....thats why he didn't stop her from coming here to devote herself to him, didn't think twice about taking her to Scotland over weekend when it was his nephews birthday (DS' only cousins), oh yeah, and didn't think twice about me or DS when he first decided to get his leg over.....hmm .....

Anyway, am glad that I got the whole 'priority' thing out there as know it would have eaten me up over the next 11 days. So, on the plus side, I now have 11 days of no physical contact with the ex! Yippee! Here's hoping that my next post will be filled with positivity and light!

Stay strong Dee

You have made another strong, I am know your bullshit don't try it on with me stand.

So he gives you the sad 'pity me, feel sorry for me' look. Then follows that up with the 'i wish I had......' email.

He hasn't felt any pity or sorrow towards you, just it is happening get over it now and stop bothering me with your feelings.

If he really wanted to he could have stopped himself shagging her, stopped himself from treating you like a second class citizen. He wasn't a helpless victim who couldn't stop it. She didn't accidentally fall on his cock or rape him. He didn't want to stop. He wanted to do all this and he did.

Don't give any of his empty words headspace.

Quick check-in.....enjoying the peace and quiet with ex away on his work jolly/holiday with OW. Only have to tolerate one call a day and even then just pick up, push the loudspeaker and encourage DS to say hello, say a few words and that's my job done!

Each and every day my impression of him as a weak and pathetic person just increases....it is strange to think that this is the same person who I felt knew me most, who I dearly loved and was my best friend......

Xales - those are exactly my thoughts. I think a few months ago, I would definitely have sucked up his crumbs/lines and believed him. But, as pointed out, he has choices. He could easily have stopped at anytime. Even if OW is a mad obsessive (sounds it), he could have said no, but really, he did not want it to stop (also made me laugh a bit, seeing as HE took her up to see his parents 12 weeks after revealing his affair...unless he wants to kid on that she was pushing for it. Hmmmmmmm.....right).

Anyway, off for some more idiot-free days!

Big hugs Dee all sounds good x

good on you for staying so strong and getting so far. You know, it might be that you changed as a person - and grew into someone who was too strong and wise for him - and that's why a once happy relationship stopped working. He sounds like a man who wants the easy stuff, to be adored and cant cope when life is challenging. You've grown to a different place - so you aren't suited anymore. I think in the future that once you are over the heartbreak of how he has treated you (and you will reach that point) you will find dealing with him far easier.

the ever wary side of me does think that there is another reason for him still getting his mail delivered here i.e. it saves a job for when he/they move in here

No, I don't believe that's what's going on with him Dee. It sounds like he's running two homes/two women. I'm that he still genuinely expects to have first dibs on your home and your life, as well as running his home, his life, his OW - beggars belief really. But he's full of this shit at the moment (and for some time probably ). A definite line/boundary needs to be drawn: he no longer lives there, therefore his stuff should go (lock, stock); he is no longer in a relationship with you, so any of the perks of that relationship have to go, LOCK. STOCK. He can't pick and choose. Does he walk around the house when he comes into your home? He can't do that, as he couldn't do that in anyone else's home bar his family home. You are no longer his family.

I only said about not feeling sorry for him because it's another way they use to reel you in and to royally do you over. Have you heard of the Freedom Programme Dee? I would highly recommend it - one near you.

Excellent advice from Spring, I agree, I suspect he hasn't fully appreciated the implications of his actions - he has left, that means his old life with you does stop. He still remains the father and this is where difficulties lie as there is a balance to how you as parents manage your relationship so that your DS who is so young still has both parents involved.

He should not have keys, it is your home, if he pursues this point I would get a solicitors letter to reinforce that pov. Yes of course he has shared ownership and that doesn't change BUT his relationship with the house is similar to that of a landlord, you have the the right to peaceful enjoyment without fear of intrusion.

Well, looks like numptey is coming back tomorrow (was half-hoping he would declare that he could not possibly bear to be away from her and would move over there.....pity)......

Have had massive ups and downs at the tail end of the week.....I know what he is like now (its been 5 months - wow!), but I guess deep down I was half hoping that he would turn around and say 'cant believe that I am here and DS is there etc etc'. The man has been anything but short of holidays/time off for himself this year with his holidays to the US and weekends in the UK/hometown....But nothing of the sort - just telling DS that he misses him and asking him (again!) to tell him 'I love daddy'....I dont normally have an issue with prompting DS on this when ex is here, but just couldn't bear to do that, as he was calling from her apartment and given where he was/who he was with/what he was doing...As he is continuing to be such a first class dad, I am steeling myself for his attack of the guilts on his return which will manifest as his over excessive demands/plans for DS (he has already suggested taking DS away for a whole week in July/August to placate his family).

Downs this week have been characterised by having horrid nightmares of them having fun on their summer break in San Fran. Lots of meals out, lie-ins, nights out, him hanging out with her glam set of friends. Makes/made me sick. Tried to bring it back into perspective and think that I was having the better time as had DS with me, but it still grates....

Springy - yes, he does/did walk around the house. As DS is now sleeping at his, less of that, though when he does come here, he walks around (and have already mentioned the whole 'house clothes'/changing into shorts thing....). i have my suspicions about his reasons for buying my share of the house. I guess at the end of the day, I need to have a mental break and accept that given what he has done to me up to now, deciding to move her in here after he has categorically told me he wouldn't shouldn't be a big shock....it does make me just hate him even more though....

waterrat - I hadn't thought of that before. Something to mull over - though I got the impression that he was/is in awe of this OW due to her job/dynamism etc as he chastised me for not being able to stick at anything (because I did a counselling course and dropped out in the second year as preggers and didn't want the stress as had had a miscarriage earlier). Even though I was in my old - good - job for 10 years! Earning far more than OW.....he has already told me her salary. I wonder if I just didn't fit his expectations anymore? I was fat and lumpy (still a few lumps hanging around), had ditched my job, albeit with his encouragement to try and forge a freelance career to fit around him and DS which took a lot of time and energy to get off the ground.......she is a much better fit for his role as an equally dynamic account director on a six-figure salary......personally, I dont think she would have looked twice at him when I first met him 11 years ago as a very overweight graduate trainee on 20k (I obviously saw through a lot!)

Dee I've been a lurker on your thread.

I can't believe the continued "gall" of this man - asking DS to say "I love Daddy".

Please be strong for when knobber gets back. I'm sure he'll be boasting about his SanFran shagfest with trophy girlfriend. He really can't see it from your point of view at all can he.

The last 5 months must have been heart-breaking for you - but you'll realise that you've actually had a lucky escape from knobber - he seems to have zero empathy and a massive sense of entitlement.

Smum99 - yes, starting to get firmer on the boundaries (I hope!).....It is crappy that I feel that I have to hide things in my own 'home' and by hiding things, I dont mean a man under my bed....but just simple things, like in the early days, I contacted Gingerbread and they sent me a pile of leaflets and info. As I didn't know which way was up at the time and had no clue where ex's head was, I actually took to lugging this big brown envelope around with me! Ditto with my personal financial information, having to clear the history on my laptop so he couldn't see I was logging onto here and other sites......To be fair, he has never given me any indication that he has been snooping, but I just dont trust him. He is not on my side anymore......

I stil feel stuck in the anger phase and was triggering a lot last week (no surprise I guess). The whole waste of the situation really hit home. When I say that he didn't say a single word to me, I mean he didn't say a single word. It also hit home that his line about being sorry for 'internalising' was a pile of crap, as he has confessed that he spoke to his idiotic dad and his at least two work colleagues (one who ex ended up comparing me to his wife - the wife who got to go on family holidays to the Maldives etc, whilst I scoured CP website for cheap deals!! and the other who actually went on a double date with ex and OW during a work trip out there in early Dec). I guess the whole 'things clicking into place' thing will just come and go? I did have a lot, like suddenly realising why he slunk off, why he was always on his phone.....I also wasted time thinking if he gave off any non-verbal signs, but none that I can remember and I know I am only torturing myself in the long run.

Tried looking up freedom programme - none in my area....I was also thinking about the DRW as did see an ad for this in the local paper (but cant find it now!)

Dee you are so much more grown up about this than me, I would want to be horrid to him, and probably move as far away from him and OW as possible. You are a much stronger person than me.