Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Oh totally agree re locks Dee and if he says anything say you lost your keys ,he can piss off !!

Firework

After a hurricane ,there's a rainbow.......This too shall pass Dee ,big hugs xxxx

So DS is in bed asleep now - asked ex to send me a text.

Yes - they are keeping their love alive and burning with daily skype calls (know this as I have had to call about something to do with DS a coupe of evenings in the past, and as I am calling him on his mobile, he is hanging up to her on the computer!). Dont think I could face DS speaking to her on skype just now.....just makes me feel ill tbh......

I am having a tear-fest, even the apprentice cant distract me. Am okay for a while and then suddenly comes over me...so off to bed now I think. Will take a book and a choc bar....need to banish these thoughts of 'if only' in terms of having DS back here (not thinking too much on how that could happen without ex on the scene....). It pains me that he can be so caring and lovely to her and yet, cannot give a toss about me. Sure, she is coming over here for him, but I stayed here, in this county for the past 10 years as ex didn't want to move to London (or indeed anywhere that involved too much effort for him)! And on a purely superficial level, I stayed at home, looking after our son with no family locally whilst he pursued his dynamic sales career and went off on courses and meetings in the US, China, London and all over the UK....and yet, I never supported him. Gave up my well paid job, sharesave schemes that would have paid big next year, my dreams and ambitions and all for nothing......well, not quite, as have DS, but I am just so fed-up and upset.....Its at times like this that I do seriously think about going down the anti-depressants route (may well go and see the Dr later this week. Not sure yet....).

I am sad that so many of us have gone through this or are going through this, though it is heartening to know that it does get better and that these emotions - esp from tonight's major events (major for me!) are normal and to be expected.

Yes, I need to get the keys off him....will broach it tomorrow. My mum has said the same thing (though she is more concerned for my safety than possible snooping ops). He can just be so anal at times. E.g. if I say 'my house' in passing conversation, he will be quick to correct me and say something like 'your house?' or 'dont you mean our house?'. But I dont feel 100% safe or relaxed - if I am honest....

crying is healing Dee and this will move you forward ,its all the poison coming out .I cried and wailed on my own and in front of the kids for months ,i just said daddy had done things that had made mummy very sad.
When i knew X had been seeing his gf for about 7 mths i spoke about her in passing to the kids ,kept it simple [they are 4 and 5],used her name ,I didnt trust X not to show up with her on a sunday or have her around on a visit without discussing it with me ,then announcing Well its none of your business is it ?

All i know is some days I just wanted that gut wrenching pain that had me curled up in a foetal position just to go away ,but I hung on to the thought that" all things are passing.......and patience obtains all things "
I cried solidly in a very public place at Easter ,I thought those days had gone but the poison is like abscesses that rise and burst and the tears flow ,but all the time we are healing and moving forwards to a place of calm .

The rage of injustice stayed with me for months and you will work thru this Dee ,dont block the rage ,let it out x

oh bless you patience, wise words.

Dee, in future, refer to it as your home - he can't argue with that can he

xxxx

Going to put this to you a different way.

Your son is staying there and you have no control. Your son comes home and says I spoke to daddys friend on the pc she sounds funny (accent). You are going to be hurt and furious. You bring it up with ex he will give you that smirk amd tell you that it his son , he can do what he wants and you can't stop him.

You know how capable he is of doing this.

Pre-empt it. You will feel as sick as a parrot, hurt, angry and upset but he won't have put one over on you.

It also means in 8 weeks when she is over you have already taken that first step of introduction and although it will still hurt like hell it may not be quite as bad.

I hope you feel better /hugs

I offered X the opportunity to introduce gf to kids ,he declined .
She isnt interested.
He doesnt see them much so totally different scenario and im a year and a half in ,dealing with his headfuckery .
But it took the power away from him IYSWIM.

Only thing that really upsets me now Dee is when he doesnt pay maintenance ,he can piss off with the other stuff.

oh darlihg Dee a huge kiss from down under. I had a bit of a sob reading your post when your son had just left. If felt exactly the same way. I remember hearing this sound as he drove off with my ex H and couldn't place it (we have lots of wild life around us) and then I realised it was the primal moan coming from me. It isn't normal to be separated from your children (DS was 2.5 at time he is now early 3.5) and I still HATE it with a passion and that childish sense of pure injustice but it does get a little easier (although haven't done more than 3 days, 2 nights which will come soon and am dreading it).I too have fantasies about how DS will want to live with his Dad and go surfing all the time and live with his new brothers and sisters who don't (as far as I am aware) exsit yet and can picture it in my head and torture myself with it but then I try and remember than I can only affect the kind of parent that I am and try and focus on that. It fucking sucks though doesn't it to be put in this position. I woke up this morning and it just took my breath away and I am 10 months into this. So sad for my son, so sad he is now in daycare 5 days a week, so sad for me that I am so exhausted and far from home and got my D(hah!)H so wrong. But we will get there and your son will always love and cherish you lovey. Big hugs from a very cold Australia (ps still dating unexpected hot architect which helps with the bad days!)

He is a selfish bastard; and an idiot.

Get good legal advice on the divorce and custody. Focus on looking after your son and yourself.

In a couple of years he will be kicking himself for losing you.

Thanks for the lovely support.....I did stop crying in the end (finally went to bed).

He sent me a text at 6am to say that DS had just woken up and included something 'cute' that DS had said to him (I had asked him to let me know when DS went to bed and woke up and if he woke up in the night, but didn't mean literally to text as he woke up......also, the 'cute' thing is something that DS has been saying for ages now....I honestly just forgot to mention it to ex. Must be too focused on detaching!?!). I then spoke to DS at 7.30am - I wasn't planning to, but thought that I would give ex a taste of all the excessive calls and see how he liked it! Anyway, as it turned out, he had to drop something back over at mine (DS' little suitcase - using it until we I can get around to get doubles of things sorted out. Even had to pack PJs as ex didn't have and yet, he bought him a bouncy castle (did I mention this already? Am in a bit of a fog....), so I got to see DS this morning. He cried when he saw me, which made me teary (not in front of him), but told him I would see him very soon. So, it seems that DS had a good night - certainly miles better than me! Though a friend did mention that even if DS had been up all night or had been crying/asking for me, that it is unlikely that ex will let on (think a poster said something similar when her DD was ill?). Everything will always be hunky-dory until DS can speak up and tell me any different....

pontissima - I wish I could divorce the idiot (would love to be declaring to all and sundry that he has committed adultery), but we were not married. So I am at mercy of his generosity or the CSA for support for DS....nowt for me, after 11 years (though, I dont deserve anything really, as according to him, I have not supported him - as in, I have had other things to do more recently than spend all day praising him and his amazingness or jump into bed 10 times a day, any time of day, or be fun and exciting and arrange fantastic meals and dates out at the drop of the hat without having to worry about babysitter or a toddler in the background etc etc). Am hearing you about focusing on me and DS though....think I take this in and accept it as an absolute essential though I have been struggling in recent weeks....going to work hard on this from now on....

Opps - be back soon....off to get DS from nursery!! Yippee!

Just to say ,its a reflection on your childcare and stability that Ds was settled last night.just remember this is long term ,last thing u want is Ds confused and unsettled at his dads.
Remain dignified and unbiased Dee anything else will confuse ds.

Am back.....sorry, wanted to reply to everyone, but ran out of time (my job has core hours, so need to stay in the office until 5.30pm)....

pontissima - I certainly hope he does kick himself.....nowhere near that point at the moment as he hasn't 'lost anything' as in, as long as he can still see DS (on his terms) then he is quite content! Thanks a lot mate!....anyway, am hopeful that, as everyone tells me, in a couple of years time (or fingers crossed sooner) it wont matter anyway as I wont care/will have really moved on....

Downunderdolly - sorry to have stirred up any emotions/memories for you..It is/was so blimmin' hard...I was just watching the clock at one point waiting to go to bed and when I went up, I was just watching the clock up there rather than distracting myself. I hadn't told anyone in RL that it was first night for DS to stay at his Dad's as just didn't want too much focus on it. Of course, now wish I had, but you live and learn I guess. I think I will defo have some things planned in for next overnight (which is this Sat - am thinking that this is too soon in my heart, but I can see that his access to DS is something that has to happen and at least now, I can sort of pre-empt his 'madness' a bit if that makes sense? I guess its the control thing that's been mentioned....I was/am so terrified of DS sleeping away from me, and ex was on the brink of holding it over me in terms of hints of his rights and how this was going to happen and I had to get used to it etc). But knowing that DS was okay is such a relief...DS is just over 2.5 now and he does get some things....I would struggle with anything more than a night at the moment, but need to get my head around this. Which is why I baulked at ex's suggestion of a week in July/August! He is frequently away from DS but seems to lay on the whole 'missing my son' thing as it suits him/when he is bored/lonely (prime example, is his planned 11 nights away at the end of the month and yet he called today asking if he could come round tomorrow for 30mins to see DS as he would miss him between last seeing him this morning and next seeing him on Sat morning! WTF? Just ignored him). Yep, have had those fantasies already.....am sure that ex will be telling me sooner rather than later that she is pregnant, which is something I have thought about for a long time, probably because we were just about to start fertility treatment. But, now, my thoughts are that even if he did drop that bomb, I am more inclined to think it is a lucky escape for me...it has helped that he has been the way he has though.....the rational part of me can readily reason away any lurking devotion/affection for him (irrational side can be a bugger at times). Hope all is going well with the dating! I am feeling more tempted to dip my toes and actually looking and noticing other blokes now. Amazing!

Xales - huge thanks. I do understand where you are coming from. TBH, I have long wondered if ex has already done a sly introduction (he could easily have done it when she was here in Feb - unknown to me until second to last day - and he was taking DS out to swimming etc. And he has been having DS over in his house for the evening (bringing him back up until last night) so who knows who he is calling....can imagine that there are photos galore of them all over his house too, so if DS notices, he will probably explain. It just pains me that this is probably what they wanted all along; for ex to dump me/us, ex to move into house and wait for her to come over, ex to get his rights to DS with minimal hassle and all done in a breezy fashion, whilst they play part-time parents/part-time lovers.....BUT, yes, DS is the priority here. Will give it some more thought over the next few days.....

Springydaffs - good point, will put more emphasis on the home aspect, rather than saying house and see what he makes of that.

Patience - yes, need to re-take the power back from him, but I dont think I can face it now, will hopefully get stronger on this. Good reminder that each sob-fest is a move towards healing/understanding. I can just imagine ex doing the same and telling me the same. I do feel intense rage at him and the situation and my counsellor mentioned the same thing - to not bottle it up or keep it down (hence her pillow bashing suggestion). Its so hard sometimes though isn't it, as you go through the process of working through things and making things as easy as possible for the children.....agree about DS being settled at ex's. As hard and trying as the circumstances are, I am happy that he was okay and seemed to have a good time.

And, duh...just feel as if I have had a lightbulb moment - your MN name is spot-on....

Its a prayer DEE ,St Theresa,got me through many a tear fest x

Anytime you feel the injustice just try and feel your higher self come through,peaceful loving understanding happy compassionate .
His behaviour encourages the lower self ,hate ,meanness ,sadness anger.

All i know is when we give out negative energies it all comes back onto us and we feel much worse than before .We have to aim for positivity.
Only way i got through this Dee was by changing my thoughts about X,
I just thought fuck it !I will try it POSITIVITY for a fortnight and if it doesnt work I can go back to being an angry bitter resentful bitch next week.
I had to be very disciplined ,as soon as you catch yourself festering in negative fantasy world step away from it !
Still cry the tears ,and still punch those cushions ,[but even better if you do some real boxing ]anything at all for a release .
Big hugs x

Susan Jeffers "End the struggle and dance with life " explains about higher self stuff,easy read and uplifting book ,gave me hope x

Keys!!!

So, he came round this morning for DS. Sent him a text before he came round asking him to bring his house keys - would explain why once he got there. Once he was here, asked him very nicely if I could have them back please. He got very defensive, very quickly...lots of 'why, its my house as well', 'why should I (he) not have access to his own house' etc etc. Explained home versus house and he was still saying no and told me I needed to go and check who I was seeking advice from (as in RL, I guess) as I was talking crazy!!! That really got me and I did have an emotional pop at him (said that as OW was desperate enough to move over here for him, and no one knows anything about her, I was right to be worried about my safety!!!). He then said, 'oh, dont worry, the key is hidden anyway'!!!! So no result there and dont know what to do next...dont think I can change the locks without him agreeing can I? The thing is, he knows that I have always been a bit para about security (can get a bit OCD checking the doors and windows at night - triggered from when he used to go on work trips away) and he just doesnt want to acknowledge it. Just fussed about his rights...fair enough, he has never (knowingly) entered the house without me knowing, but he could just change over night and lord knows what will happen once OW arrives here shouting the odds (which I suspect she will, given the huge sacrifice she has made for him). I did send him a text after he left, again, trying to explain things logically, and asked him to pop his keys through, but am home from the gym now and no keys...Dont want them know as even if he brings them tomorrow, I suspect that he will go and get another set cut (trying to think one step ahead!).......Am at a loss - again.....

patience - thanks, have that book somewhere! Bought it years ago!

I think in this instance l would change the locks and not tell him. He will have no need to usw the keys, especially if they are hidden away safely .
If he does realise the locks are changed, just -in the meantime- "forget" to give him a set/ get a spare set cut.
Don't mention it again to him. Let him believe you have accepted his decision. If he was to discover the lock change it would mean that he had tried to enter your home without you being there.....

I would simply get the locks changed without saying anything to him. You could say you had lost your keys! Also agree with Doha above.

I would say I lost the keys x

Just change the locks and don't say anything.

If he asks you know he has been trying or has even let himself into your house unknown to you and were justified in doing so!

If he doesn't ask he doesn't know and you are fine

also he needs to get the 'extra' stuff that your DS needs to visit him - why are YOU buying extra pajamas, etc. Let him go to a 24hr tesco if he isnt prepared.....

He is still going through the game playing immature arse stage Dee.The only way this lessened in my experience is to show complete indifference.when it gets to that stage they will feel that they've lost their power over you and you really start to soar.Change the locks and feel empowered.if it was the other way round and him and ow were in ur home ,do you think he would let u have a key.

I think it may be a basic human right Dee that your ex partner can't have keys to your home, regardless whether he has a financial stake in the home. My ex owned half my home but not only did I not allow him in the house I also took out a restraining order to stop him coming beyond the gate (I think I've mentioned this before).

Change the locks! asap. Call Womens Aid to get it legally clarified if it makes you feel better (0808 2000 247), but I feel sure you are legally within your rights to not let him have a key; also to not let him on the premises if you choose.

Just takes the biscuit doesn't it - he's given up all rights to any relationship with you yet he still demands total control over significant areas of your life. As patience says, this could be the turning point where he realises he has no control over you at all. He gave that up, remember.

Can I just say that I'm a bit concerned that you're focusing on her, when it's him who is the villain. She is probably just a walk-on part and he's trying to make you another walk-on. She's willing, you're not. He will probably also get a thrill from having two women fighting over him..

I appreciate that it is very hard for you to separate the issues and you are no doubt enraged that she had no compunction about taking a pop at a 'married' man. As I repeatedly said to myself about the OW, "who is she?". She's nobody.

I did the same Dee ,when he finally admitted sleeping with the gf.
at the end of the day if it wasnt her it would be someone else and shes done me a favour cause I'm free of my wanker X.He definately loved having attention from 2 women.He would wind me up then run back as the victim and bitch to her about me.all the time telling me he wasn't seeing anyone.lied to me for 7 fucking months.all to justify his selfish behaviour.I am so well rid !

Still no keys, so yes, will let it lie now for a couple of weeks and get the locks changed and say that I lost the keys as recommended by all - thanks for the clear advice. I am just flabbergasted (shouldnt be by now, I know) that when I told him that I would like them for my safety he just pushes this away and dismisses it/me......

springydaffs - yes, you are right....I think my focus on other woman is driven by the fact that she is a bit of an unknown entity.....No-one knows anything about her, bar ex (and of course as far as he is concerned her sh* smells of roses and all that other good stuff). I am anxious for DS as I do struggle to understand how anyone can be 'stable' when they are willing to give up their life and move countries for an affair partner who they have only spent so little time with and is accepting - according to ex - of a position where their affair partner is telling them that his son is his main/sole priority.....? Though having just written this last sentence out, I can see where it is riddled with holes. Who knows what ex has really told her? HE* is telling me what he has told her, so I really shouldn't believe him...esp as his actions say otherwise when the chips are down. And the biggie - who knows how long they have really been together....?! Could have been going on for years/months, esp with this hidden FB nonsense. So yes, he is the ultimate villian in all of this, though on the flip side, I do know that he wouldn't ever knowingly harm DS, but he is in the whole high of the affair/honeymoon period, which I think has been the cause for him pressing intros to her on her last two visits.....I guess my fear is compounded by experiences in my own childhood (too emotional to go into on here) which maybe exaggerates my concerns for DS. I just want to protect him forever and certainly whilst he is still so young....

When I mentioned concerns for my safety yesterday, I did say it in the context of being here alone in a big old house, now that DS will be sleeping away and he got in a huff and said that he would hardly be coming into the house to 'murder or rape the mother of his child'! He just doesn't have a clue....but patience - agree, if he was living here with someone, and it was still half my house, there is no way in hell he would be happy about me having a key.....last time I dropped by unexpectedly at his rented place, was during the clothes horse incident in Feb and he told me then that I needed to give him notice before I 'popped' round.....

Will give Womens Aid a call tomorrow.....

Doha - yes, I get the whole 'hidden' or 'cant find it' for a whole list of requests. Apparently, he cant find a cringe-worthy card I sent him back in Jan - don't ask anymore - he, will bring round some photos, next time he drops/collects DS, but always forgets...lots of control, so yep, as patience and springdaffs say, dont bother with it now.......

Nettletea - I know, I know....I should leave him to it, but honestly, I emailed him on Monday evening last week about having DS over and by the Wednesday evening, he didn't have anything in for him in terms of clothes etc. On the one hand though, I do still buy DS' things from the joint account so its not as if I am paying for them all by myself (yet). Thing is, when I sent DS off with his littel suitcase, I said to ex that he should keep certain things as I obviously have PJs etc here....of course, he just packed up everything and so I will have to remind him again today, or give him a set of clothes as he leaves and tell him to keep them at his. He has never bought DS clothes on a regular basis (only times he has done so is when he has been in the US on business and gone to a mall there - also buying stuff for himself I should add). I went swimming with DS and I dont normally go as that is their thing and was shocked to see how badly his swimming trunks fitted - very small. So I had to go out and buy new cossies and towels etc. Ex is just blimmin lazy.....