Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

It is astounding Dee. It's like he's lost his mind (NOT that I am suggesting you feel sorry for him mind you!).

Maybe someone with a greater understanding of psychology could explain why he needs to know that he's keeping you on the back burner re leaning in for kisses. It seems extraordinarily cruel. Insane. It is obvious that this bubble he/they have produced is going to pop at some stage - I'm sorry but imo it has to, it is founded on total sand, nonsense - but by the time it does you will be a new person, having moved on miles and miles.

As for the leaning in to kiss: a man in his late 70s recently tried to do the same to me and I said "Don't be daft Roger" which put him in his place without being too harsh. HOpefully you will be able to treat ex like the toddler he is when he tries to do this. I know you're doing a lot of acting at the mo - essential! - and this is one more part you have to play but at least you're not playing the part he had scripted for you, nothing like. Well done Dee, you should be seriously proud of yourself.

"He does still seem hellbent on this chosen path, which is frustrating only in so much as I thought he would be properly regretting his actions now...NOT so I could take him back with open arms, but I just really want a genuine 'sorry' and acknowlegement from him of what he has done, rather than lumbering all the blame at my door....again, a bit weird, as shouldn't really focus on this I know...."

Not at all weird imo - of course you want to see justice, to see the world righted again after this insanity. I know I longed for an apology, some acknowledgement that he had behaved abominably. In my case it didn't come (different situation to yours) but I ceased to need it - you do become aclimatised eventually. As with my ex, yours seem to be locked in a power struggle with you - his behaviour is classic bullying, using what he knows will hurt, enjoying the power. Which is all a bit pathetic really...

Hi Dee

Don't expect an apology now or probably ever.

He has re written your history. The crappy relationship he has been telling himself existed to justify his actions is now his reality. For him to be sorry he would have to admit that he is just a selfish wanker. We all know he is not he did what was best for all of you but met his soulmate and love of his life, it was fated he couldn't resist/help himself! Therefore what does he have to apologise for? He has done you a favour remember........

This is the only way he can look at himself in the mirror and retain the respect of everyone who knows the pair of you.

The only reason he wants to lean in to kiss you and to get in your bed is because she has now gone home until next time and he is sad and lonely and consoling himself with you.... Or trying to.

Well done for not accepting second best and letting him back in!

Hi Xales and springydaffs - hope you are having some lovely bank holiday weekend weather wherever you are....weather here is lush, which of course, has its pros and cons. Pros are as you can imagine - lovely weather helping with my mood, getting out and keeping busy and spending time (well, my allocated time) with DS. Cons are that I keep having these little pangs of wishing for the whole family set-up (and apologies in advance, not in any way saying that single parent households are not whole families, but not sure how else to describe the feeling....). Ex seems to be happy even though he is not seeing DS every day this BH weekend. I had thought that something like a long BH weekend would trigger something in him, but clearly not, and instead, it is me sat here imagining that the most that his worrying him is that OW isn't here at the moment to share the long weekend/days when he doesn't have DS.....

Xales - agree about the lonely/consoling thing. To be honest, it repulses me....I just cant imagine him even touching me (as in even brushing past me) without feeling, well, a combination of ill and angry. And he has done me a huge favour by being a complete prick, as he isn't even someone I would want to be friends with. Though this does make me very sad and then I go around the loop mourning the 'old' person he was and the relationship we had (need to ditch those rose tinted glasses obviously). The re-writing of our relationship is another sore point. To everyone that knew us (and I mean friends who were based here, not his friends in his hometown who he hardly ever saw, and whom I haven't seen for 4/5 years+, but are well qualified to aid ex in cementing his 'decision' towards us), the whole split and cheating has been a shock. And it galls to think that he is going around telling his side and making out that 'we had issues, we were constantly arguing and that we had both agreed to split for our DS'....absolutely sick and pathetic, esp when he isn't then exposing his affair or mentioning OW to certain people. I imagine, he is expecting her to roll up, for the dust to be settled even more by then and for everyone to just accept her and carry on as usual....But I get that even if this does happen, then I need to focus on myself and DS, so that if that is the case, it just doesn't matter or wont affect me.Hmmmm...

springydaffs - thanks for the support, though dont think I am doing as well as I would like to be. I know I cant/shouldn't rush things, but as this man is out of my life in that way, I am aching for him to be out of my head and heart. Admitedly, the pangs and thoughts are less intense and consuming and all the more fleeting, but I can get angry with myself for even giving him/her brainspace. I know I need time, just need to be patient and keep focused. Yes, lots of acting going on. I had just been blanking him when he is attempting kisses or excited smalltalk (yesterday, after dropping DS off, it was all 'did you have a good day? hope you had fun' etc and text today to wish DS and I a fun day (complete with exclamation mark) and attempting to be chatty on the phone). A RL friend said to me last week that rather than being silent/sullen/snappy when he comes round to drop off/pickup DS, to have a smile on my face and act happy and cheerful. Not for him, but to show him that I can be happy without him and also of what he is missing/person I was before all this fallout happened. Am in two minds though - part of me thinks, yeah, why not? The other things that he will take it one of two ways (1) he will think 'oh good. she is off living her life and happy enough/out of my hair, I can carry on whopping it up with OW' or (2) he just wont notice......there is also (3) which is to not give a toot about what he/she/they think as has been previously advised by a wise MNer......

As for an apology - yes, I imagine I need to let go (sooner, rather than later) of the idea that this will be coming my way anytime soon or ever.

Right, off to get DS from his nap and brave the afternoon sun!

Glad you are enjoying the sunshine, lovely thunderstorm here yesterday afternoon/evening.

There is nothing to stop you from laughing off any 'friends' comments with well of course he is re writing history so he looks good, my version is a little different as you can imagine. You don't have to go into detail just make it known that you don't agree with his version of events.

The important people, family, close friends and us of course know the truth

It will all go tits up when he introduces her anyway and they ask how long they have known each other unless she lies.

One day you will realise you don't actually care any more and you will be free. You are doing really well to getting there.

Yes, acting. I think you need to grieve privately, let yourself grieve. This is very hard because he is constantly in your face, you can't let it roll. Not just in your face but for all the world like he is the happiest person alive (what a shit - sorry, couldn't help that. he is a total loon) and expects you to be overjoyed at his happiness, to get caught up in it yoiurself. This realy does beggar belief and it is hard for me not to fantasise about some crushing comeuppance, but i guess I shouldn't go there... I feel so angry on your behalf.

I was reading an article the other day about wanky Ronnie Wood who left his wife Jo and went off with a teenage russian waitress (ffs), two days after his daughter's wedding if you please. I thought of you and your situation when I read it. He says Eric Clapton gave him a silver 'freedom leaf' pendant which he says gave him the permission to "be free of the ties I had". He also says "there was something here I had to discover, and that something was me"

(this, after a rabidly indulged and debauched lifestyle for most of his adult life - he is 63).

Sometimes I wonder if you could sue someone who does shit like this for breach of contract. I guess that's what the old divorces were like. I know you weren't married but the promise of marriage and a life together was there in your engagement.

Back to acting - yes, act. Not too lustily mind! But oh I do so wish you didn't have to see him all the time! How on earth are you expected to recover from the immense shock, esp with him twisting the knife practically ever single day

Sorry if that didn't help much Dee

So, Monday was quite hard......on Saturday, I had the distraction of a friend and a vintage market to keep me from pining 24/7 for DS....Monday, I had nothing planned, bar a trip to the gym. A good lesson for the future - I need to have things planned and scheduled: not manically, but enough to keep me busy. I had thought that a combination of tidying up/sorting out paperwork and reading trashy mags would be enough...obviously not!

One of my main worries has been that I would not know what DS was up to with ex as I have been stonewalling him when he tries to dig around for info on time DS and I spend together (just say, we had a good day etc). But, it seems that ex is keen to show what a good job he is doing, so is basically spilling everything with little encouragement .

Everyday seems to bring a bit more clarity. Someone once asked me to think about what ex brought to the relationship and whether my needs were being met and every day I seem to be able to recall something that he didn't do....For example, one of his parting shots was that I enjoyed a life sitting in watching trashy TV (okay, so I do like the odd Real Housewives of..... episode) and yet, he never made an effort to take me out, suggest something for us to do together, though I am pretty sure he has done so for OW (defo last Sat week as he had 'plans' for that evening and bailed out early on his evening with DS as she was round the corner waiting for him). In fact, the last time, HE planned something that didn't involve me cajoling or planning/arranging myself was when he proposed in 2007.....every anniversary meal, I would have to suggest a day (sometimes anniversary fell on a day when he was in the US - as it did last year! Wonder what he was doing instead) and a venue, every family day out, even suggestions for what he could do with DS whilst I was out or at home making dinner/cleaning the house....

No contact seems to be working like a dream.....I know I keep saying it, but it is hard sometimes to think that we have come to this. He now seems to have got the message to back off and have had minimal contact with him (no more 'how are you?' on the phone or on voicemail when he calls). Of course, this is a good thing as it does give me some breathing space and space to keep my head straight and not read into anything....phew!

Boo about the thunderstorms!

springydaffs - haha! I agree! He sounds so crazy at times, I do feel an ounce of pity for him, though I soon bat that down by remembering all the nonsense he has been spouting. I do so want to cut him down to size, but have been keeping my own counsel (and on here of course!) and just letting his crap pass me by. So plenty of acting from me. Not sure if he is feeling any regret - don't think so, and don't think he will - if ever - until the blasted OW gets here! Hmmmm - interesting point about Ronnie Wood - isn't the original OW the one who ended up on Celeb BB (just figured, a celebrity tag for being an OW?!)? The one who he soon ditched?? Hmmm....

I have to admit, I do love the times when he is away (usually visiting OW) as can get some peace. I know that in those instances, he is with OW in the US, but, then I can get some physical distance and to be honest, I feel completely numb about ex when I think about him and her. Angry in what they have done, but the whole 'other' stuff....ughhh, she is welcome to him if she wants him that badly (and she clearly does). He just isn't worth the fight, if he couldn't be bothered to fight temptation/fight for us.

Xales - yes, need to focus on getting the most out of my journey and not too obsessed about the end destination, though am looking forward to that complete 100% not caring thing (am getting there, with a healthy dose of acting thrown in).....you are right, the important people matter and they know the truth.......

Dee do you want to take bets on how long before the rose tinted specs falls off and he stops organising evenings out with her when she is over and washing his skiddy pants? she was only over for a couple of weeks so he had to cram lots of aren't I fabulous to you stuff into that time.

Think about how lucky she is to do that for him and how much you miss it

Shows just how fabulous when he blows off the son he loves so much and can't bear to be away from at the drop of a hat.

You are there every second for your son he will know what a fab mummy he has

Some clever person on here said imagine you are walking along a path with huge boulders and you have to get round them. Over time they get smaller and smaller until you don't even notice them any more.

Thunderstorms are normally fabulous, not when you realise you have left your sunroof and windows open though!!!

opps the boulder thing was how your problems and upset will get less and less until you don't even notice them any more /thunks head on desk

Sorry missed that bit as my brat little angle tried to sneak a rubber rat into my bed when he should be asleep for school tomorrow!

I went and gave him a hug and snuck it on his pillow instead and he just found it mwahahhaa

Arrghh - he is driving me mad!

He came round to pick son up to take him to nursery this morning. He was sitting on the step and so lower than me and I couldn't help but stare at his rapidly decreasing hairline (more thinning than when he was here - can see his scalp now ). Anyway, he caught me staring and said 'what is it?'...I (stupidly) mentioned about his hair (should have kept my mouth shut, I know) and he replied (with a smirk!), 'oh, its the stress of separating from you' (am I reading too much into this, or does it seem that his perception is that he is still very much in power here?). I couldn't take that and reminded him that he had chosen this and what planet was he on? Again, got lots of smirks in return (must have been chatting lots to OW on skype/email last night as arrogance was steaming from him) as he told me - whilst shaking his head - that I really couldn't see that things had been wrong for 2 years. How I was not an innocent and knew things were up.....I also suffered from PND and work-related stress (not diagnosed until DS was almost 1), when I mentioned this (again, should know better as he is very firmly on Planet Him+OW), he sniggered, 'what, you had PND for 2 years?'. The git...........

I really cant believe this whole 2 years thing. First it was a few months, then 6 months, then 9 months, then 18 months and now, as revealed today, 2 years...I knew at that point to not even bother replying to him. But, how can he, so brazenly re-write history like this? It is madness and so, so frustrating.....Is he trying to drive me crazy? I can guess that he is maybe trying to get me to buy into his timeline so as to make things more acceptable for him and his actions and justification in going off with her, but he is seriously loopy.

Xales - ta muchly for the boulders analogy. Need to keep reminding myself of that......I do seem to have taken a few steps back, so am wondering if I have been affected by the Easter break more than I realised.....?? I do miss him less and less on the whole, though do get these maddening flashbacks at time, which I now know are normal/to be expected.....

Anyway, off to work now - wanted to vent here so I dont let it weigh on my mind at work (sorry!)

I am mad with him on your behalf, Dee.

No advice I'm afraid, but you are so much better off without the odious git.

Hi Dee, its downunderdolly dropping buy. GOD I wish I could fly back and punch him for you. You are doing so well and its seems like he 'enjoys' the passion with the OW and the emotional entanglement with you. Sorry to say it but F*er. It is like they lose their minds isn't it. I am in an angry mood on your behalf as my lovely soon to be ex h having agreed to up child support has now changed his mind and filed a court date saying if i don't agree to the offer on the table (ok not great but not awful) we will go to court as he is fed up of my 'controlling' him (ummm he left me a week into IVF, is forcing me to stay in Oz, forcing me back to work, forcing me into being single parent, calling all shot but somehow I end up the bitch. amazing how that happens. Anyway lots of love from me and keep your chin up darling xx

remember - he is justifying for two people - himself and the OW. IN conversations with her it wouldnt look great if he said 'I met you and decided to immediately leave my lovely wife' would it? She wants to believe that it was going wrong for years, that there was no love - otherwise she will struggle to believe in his love for her/ and struggle to see him as a good trustworthy person.

So he is constructing a story, which gets more and more convenient for him every day.

I also think that his reactions are defensive - when you confront him he clearly goes immediately into this kind of reaction, driving the pair of you back into a clash - which is why you shouldnt bother...detach, detach. He needs to believe his story so he can carry on with his life without worrying - but remember, you dont see his dark thoughts at night when he looks at what he has done.

Can you practice smirking back and say smugly 'keep trying to convince yourself of that, you never know you may convince me too hahahaha'

Firstly, sorry, for posting again....it seems like I am posting the latest nonsense every day at the moment....partly to help me see sense about the whole situation and see that ex is the bonkers one, not me....though I do get the feeling that he is REALLY trying to send me bonkers, or at least make me unstable (am not - at the moment anyway), which would just be another check in the box for him I guess....

Today, I seem to be beset by the blues. Not sure why. Had a few triggers to get over in the past week as mentioned, but today, it all came up again, after I thought I had shoved them down good and proper yesterday. Started mulling over the FB nonsense. Not that he has had a page for god knows how long, but that he is revelling in posting pics of the two of them and has his relationship 'status' (with her, obviously) up for all and sundry to see...well, all and sundry bar me as he has blocked me. I also got to thinking about how he could have no regrets for what he has done and the way he has gone about things....waterrat, I think you are right. I cant imagine how I could sleep at night, knowing that I had given up my family for some random girl from the US and not even have bothered to work through any so-called problems at home or raising issues/concerns. Is the adoration from the OW really that mind-numbing??! Lots of other petty thoughts, but managed to bat them down a bit by ambling around town (ex has DS today).

I have also had the whole 'do what's right for you and DS' sudden realisation hit me full-sharp in the head today (yes, you were all right, all along....). I was in the gym, when ex sent a text to say DS had been sick, but that he was keeping an eye on him. I of course called as soon as I read the text (about 30mins after he sent it). He said, DS was okay, just chilling out. I asked to speak to DS, to which ex replied along the lines of, 'err, no, because if he speaks to you, he will just want you and will start screaming!'....I was fuming.....After all my pussyfooting around him, answering his insane twice a day, am and pm, calls (on those days he doesn't see DS), including when he was in the US seeing OW and when he was last in his hometown introducing her to everyone! And now, I want to speak to my ill son, I cant?!! Ruddy cheek.....so, I gently reminded him of how I have been so accommodating to his manic calls (didn't use that word - am wary of the valid 'defensive' point) and he obliged.......and then it happened again. Told him I would call after DS' nap to see how he was. Phoned and no answer. Left a voicemail and sent a text. He then sent a text saying that DS was okay and that he was too busy to answer the phone as they were getting ready for the park......hmmm, as busy as I normally am on an average weekday when he phones at 7.30am to have a garbled convo with DS? His response (still by text - so obviously, not that busy), was that he phones me at a set time.....silly old me, of course I should realise that the average 2.5 year old can be expected to be doing the exact same thing every day at a set time and my herding DS to get him anywhere near the phone, when he is a) running around, b) playing trains, c) jumping on my bed, d) having his hobbit-like first brekkie at home (an early riser) e) watching cbeebies f) reading a book g) having a quiet poo in a corner or h) being mid-nappy change is all just puff.....anyway, have learnt my lesson - a bit sharply, but hey, it also seems to have kicked me out of my 'woe is me' mood and any soft laments for the life we could have had. He is an absolute pain....cant wait to get to the point, where I am silently crossing myself and thanking my stars for a lucky escape from a life with him.

Other interactions today - I have tried for minimal, but tripped a bit earlier on. Spotted ex walking with DS near our homes in the am and before all the texting above (that living around the corner thing is going to be a nightmare, unless they start to show some shame and up and lift sticks once she arrives here). I was driving, so pulled up at the curb and jumped out. DS did go a bit manic when he saw me, and didn't want to let me go, so I offered to drive them both back to ex's house. As ex strapped DS into his car seat, I suggested he sit in the back with DS. He then tooted out the loudest, falsest laugh/sniggering whilst saying 'sorry, think its so funny that you dont want me to sit in the front with you.' I decided to keep quiet after yesterdays fun, but in hindsight, should have retaliated with a line about how actually, their mad pairing is the biggest joke round these parts (well, it is to anyone who is hearing the full story of their madness-fuelled love affair)....But, it felt good to just ignore him as well! I also forgot to say yetserday, that I didn't even feel the urge to get into a text battle with him after he dropped his '2 years' bomb on me in the am...venting on here and to a RL friend helped HUGELY!

Opps - meant to add 'thanks' at the end of previous post...sorry!

Downunderdolly - sorry to hear that about the child support and your soon to be ex. I know I keep saying it, but how can these people, who previously would have done anything for their child/family/you, just flip like this?! Of course, I know now that its a gradual build-up that gets them into these messes (or seems to be the case for me) and entitlement, selfishness etc etc, but human nature/psyche is strange (and interesting) at times.....huge support, hugs, love (and choc and wine) from me! Oh - DS loved the DOWT thing. Lots of pics of Percy, Thomas and co - thanks for the recommendation.

ohlaalaa - thank-you. It warms the heart to hear that. I am wholly of the same opinion....but would add a few more choice adjectives, but I wont on here......

Xales - excellent! Will put that into practice - should add it to my broken record mantra when dealing with him....

waterrat - read your post yesterday and of course, it makes perfect sense. I did go off tangent a bit yesterday thinking that I must be at fault, else how can he be so happy now, am I that terrible to live with/be with that I/we can be ditched for someone he barely knows and also thinking that I would never met anyone else and would be left living with cats once DS has grown up after ex and OW have driven off into the sunset and had multiple children and lived a happy and action packed life (think I was suffering from some latent heat induced madness...). I do need to keep reminding myself about the reality and not just focusing on his reality and what he is showing me, which is a happy guy without a worry in the world. Hard to do sometimes, as I am the one left doing all the worrying about me and DS and the house....

Next biggest hurdle will be for DS to sleep overnight with ex. Thinking of starting with a midweek or next Sat. I also need to broach the subject of alternate weeks. I would prefer his 2 nights a week to follow a week A, week B plan, so that I get to have a Thursday/Friday night off as well as regular day in the week in case I want to do a class or a team sport. I know if I dont set it into place now, he will just assume that what we have at the moment in terms of days is set in stone and can imagine he will be less likely to want to give up a Thurs/Fri night once OW moves her and is on tap 24/7.....Has anyone else had to deal with this? How did it work out for you? It will be a killer not sleeping under the same roof as DS for the first time, but it has to happen as I know that regardless of what happens in the future, I will not be getting back together with ex, so we and always will be sharing access to DS....

Keep posting and talking to your friends. It is helping to keep you rational. If you didn't off load then you would start to believe him and think he was right and you know he is not.

think of it as a diary that answers back.

Been thinking about the whole 'story' thing and how ex is fabricating his web....It has just dawned on me, that not one of his hometown friends or family have asked me for my side of the 'story'. They all seem to have accepted whatever it is that ex is telling them (with me as the big bad bogey man that has caused him upmost misery and pain no doubt). This is hugely frustrating....ditto, I do sometimes wonder what OW's take is on the whole sorry mess? I can imagine that he has told her of how he has tried for so many years to make me happy, but he just cant do it (a line he spun me earlier on) etc etc. All to make him look like a really amazing person that she is so lucky to have found (her words). I did toy with the idea when the affair was first revealed of emailing her (stupid - or arrogant - or both ex, had her on LinkedIn and also had her business card in his office). My sister advised me to leave it and let them bring each other down, rather than get mixed up in it all, besides, she is still an unknown crazy element and it could have fed into the lies that ex has told her about me....but, I do wonder.....who knows the truth?

But then, as Xales said above, the important people know the truth.....thats what counts......

He's playing games with you re not letting you speak to ds, particularly when ds was ill. My ex didn['t tell me that dd had been admitted to hospital with suspected meningitis during her w/e with him - I found out when she mentioned it when she was back home with me. Apparently, she had begged ex to 'get mummy' but he told her that 'mummy wasn't available'. It was a punishment because I had set clear boundaries (a court order) around when he could contact me as I had been besieged by texts, phone calls, letters, emails. It just goes to show how insane they are when they get into this shit. That was a very hard one for me to get over, I remember feeling that my world was tilting with that one . I also believe he was competing with me over parenting, wanted to be the better parent, was jealous of the dc's attachment to me. Another time when dd was ill she again pleaded to see me and this time he let her text me and I had to go to his house (which I had never been in before so didn't know the way to her room). He was openly jealous of not only her attachment to me but my mastery (if you like): I swung into action, knew exactly what to do, got her settled quickly.

I was talking to a man tonight who has made friends with his ex (my friend). They are good friends now after their split about 4 years ago (not an affair or OW/OM) and he has apparently apologised for his appalling behaviour after the split. He told me that my friend's calm and rational approach nearly drove him round the bend. ie he wanted to fuck with her head but she wouldn't buy it, insisted they speak/interact rationally. I do believe this was largely instrumental in him coming to his senses because she wouldn't let him fuck with her head (it was a totally different story - copious tears and ranting - privately, but she never let him see her like that). I thought of you.

do post away Dee. we're all willingly here, no need to apologise xx

It must be so painful for you to see him change the past - but remember, it's only words. The past is what it is, nothing he says can change it. His arguments are irrational - so the not engaging on your part should extend to your mental approach as well.

I also think as another poster said, that if you really pull back and are always calm and as cheerful as you can be, in a year or two ..or maybe longer...he may well change his attitude and you might find him ashamed of how he behaved.

My dad said recently 'Im not proud of how I behaved when I broke up with your mother'...he muttered it in conversation - when I told my mum she was open mouthed - she said that is the first time he has ever said anything like that...he was very like your partner, vanished and blamed her for it all. Its deep, deep guilt - and thats my dad vaguely admitting to it 25 years later!

And in a similar vein an ex of mine told me recently 'god, I was nasty to you' ....ten years after we broke up! he, like your ex, refused to accept any blame at the time and was really cruel to me.

You dont know how life will pan out...the truth comes out in the end I think.

Remember, he knows in his heart, he really does. He just has to have a version of events for himself. He knows that he hurt you - and also, in his heart Im sure the love for you that was there for so long is a difficult thing for him to cope with. He is obviously a weak man - I have heard male friends say before that it was so hard hurting someone that the only way to deal with it was to put up a lot of aggressive defences. Imagine having to look in the mirror and know how his behaviour has hurt you?

Stay calm, believe in your own life and know that you behaved in the right way for yourself. Keep yourself busy, meet new people, this WILL get easier. It really will. Its hard to face the fact that he is a weak man obviously, because you spent so long loving him. But that grieving will end at some point as well.

Is there a chance you could move? I think this seems as if it is a recipe for total pain once she moves in. Is there a way that moving could be an adventure, a clean break - as long as you stay near enough for regular access?

just scanned this thread but i can feel your pain, hope things get better soon for you. the man sounds like an oaf. have you considered dating ... just casually just to get your mind off him ... sorry if thats a crap idea ... im sure your heart wouldnt be in it but ... just for fun and distraction

Hello Dee... Just wanted to let you know that I think you're doing an amazing job of getting distance from this horrible man. Detachment doesn't seem to be your problem, but it's definitely his. He's doing all he can to still keep you in his thrall and he's realising that he's failing and with each new day, you're less and less affected by him. Bloody Well Done! :)

He's going to be very sad and lonely very soon... if he were truly and genuinely wanting to move on, he'd do so, he'd make it as easy as possible for you two to live separately and have as little interraction together as possible. He seems to be doing the very opposite.

I'm so pleased for you that you've moved on enough to know that you'd never have him back. Your greatest revenge will be having a fantastic life, with a wonderful new partner when you're ready, and a son who has been spared very heartbreak that you could manage to spare him from.

You're truly an inspiration...

Hi Dee
Dolly dropping to by to pick up one of your points about FB friends and his friends etc in terms of how he is positioning things. I caught up with good but more of his mutual friend (the girl part of the couple) this morning who I hadn't seen for a while as whilst she was lovely to me and shocked I always came away feeling crap about myself as got the impression they bought they 'oh he was so unhappy, I was such a controlling bitch, there is no -one else he needs to do this for him blah blah' which is fair enough, but 10 months later she said (not prompted) that certainly she and also her partner were distancing themselves a little although they still saw him lots (he turns up at theirs without asking which she finds annoying as she has a newborn and 3 yr old) as they are realising that he has been lying to them about loads of stuff - most trivial - but she is getting a window into what he seems to be like. He has also told them his is seeing someone but no detail...anyway, just to let you know that you can't fool all the people all the time for that long and some other good friends of his who have dropped me altogether are also a little tired of his elasticity with the truth....so keep strong....people will realise he is an arse soon my darling (also on a bright note have a 5th date with lovely man tonight whom I met randomly when dining alone at restaurance when DS was with ex..am sure its not the answer but it has put a bit of a spring in my step and mitigated the horrid court stuff looming and gives me hope there are gorgeous men out there in the future.....could NOT have predicted this and probably will fizzle but until then hope it sizzles!!). It is amazing what seeing yourself through someone else's eyes can do for you after having been told I was XYZ for 10 months so even if we don't end up with a 6th date its been a good experience.....

obv only see when dont have DS in case you were wondering....