Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

hello was away for a couple of days (taking DS for 'Thomas' day at Steam Railway in the Blue Mountains....dreading being surrounded by 'happy' families but actually had a fab time and the joy on DS's face at seeing the big trains 'dressed' as Thomas and seeing the Fat Controller made me properly glad to be alive and also sorry for exDH who will miss out on so much)......spring daffs and dee thanks for your lovely respononses. to clarify DH was actually during our marriage generally a nice person and I thought pretty wonderful. he then literally did a 360 one day and since then has been cold, arrogant, harsh and has treated me really badly. now seeing that clearly marriage wasn't wonderful as he was pretending to be happy and must have been seeing someone and that is part of what I am trying to get my head around now. still fundamentally I don't think a 'good dad' is one who one day leaves (a week into IVF, 8 weeks after we ended a pregnancy for health reasons and a year after dramatic ectopic pregnancy) his son to pursue his 'passions' and then make things financially difficult for us. I agree. Not the place the spark this debate and I know their are exceptions but if I buggered off had DS every other w/end and stiffed him financially I don't think many people would be queuing up to call me a 'good mum'. I have also thought about coming home but Australia is part of the Hague convention where you can be prosecuted and bought back. penalties are quite harsh - there is a case at the moment where woman is currently in custody pending hearing and her children are back with dad so whilst she will likely not get any jail time she will no doubt be at 50/50 unless he is abusive etc etc.....it really sucks and as I thought I was in such a fairy tale romance it didn't occur to me to even consider that when we moved here for a 'few years' ....nor did a lot of other things sadly (like sinking every penny I had into a house that is now on fire sale. hey ho.....

anyway Dee, hope you had a nice weekend - I hear it is nice weather which hopefully helps. I know you don't need anyone else to validate this but they way you ex is behaving is appalling and at some fundamental level he must recognise it but the only way these people can deal with it is to bluster through and keep lying to themselves and other people. a truism but you can't influence the way other people behave but you can control the way you behave. And sometimes this is taking the high road and sometimes it is not but you know that you are not the person lying, rewriting history and asking someone you once loved to accept the unacceptable. Remember one fabulous thing about yourself each day and say it to yourself and then remember one fabulous thing you did for your DS or someonelse and remember that too and affirm that you are a loving, kind and decent person. A lot of people have said to me the fact that what goes around comes around. maybe maybe not but irrespective you will know that they have to live withselves knowing that they have behaved so badly towards another person and if it doesn't bother them then they are not the kind of person to spend a life with anyway.

lots of love from downunder

Dee, it does get better. Lots better. Time really is a great healer.

My ex was as much of a +@"£, he started having an affair when ds was about 4 months old. Actually, rewind, he had a fling when I was 3 months pregnant, vowed never to do it again etc. as I threatened to leave him. So yes, ds was tiny, ex having an affair, flatly denied everything, told me I was losing my mind by accusing him of such things etc. Two months later ds had to have an op (he was born with club feet), 6 weeks in cast. Turned out later he was shagging some slapper the night before the op - said he couldnt be with us in hospital as it was his birthday and his best mate had asked him out....... 2 months later he goes to Cuba with best mate for 3 weeks, have to "force" him to return for ds's 2nd op, after which he leaves immediately for Cuba again, saying he needs some space ! Had to force him again to return for ds's first birthday !!!

And all the while he still denied anything was going on...... but i had seen texts/emails (never known anyone spend so much time emailing / texting) and eventually even rang the last number on his phone, turns out it was the slapper he was shagging, at which point he had to come clean. said it didnt mean anything etc but admitted he didnt love me anymore ! YAWN !!! (Best email I have ever received was from the slapper about 6 months later - I had told her that he was a tosser who just wanted someone to shag, which of course she didnt believe cos she was in lurve - so she contacted me to say that he was in fact a tosser after all!)

so i moved back to London with ds (ex iis Italian, we were living in Italy) and embarked on my new life with ds aged 13 months. best thing i ever did. ds is 8 now, i have gradually built up a good relationship with ex but it did take time, ds spends holidays with his dad, who also comes to stay with us for long weekends (that is really tough for me!).

he did try to screw us financially - but i think he forgot i am not a doormat so his one-sided "amicable" proposal went up in smoke when i found a brilliant lawyer in Italy to deal with it.

hang in there, Dee, it can seem a mountain to climb at times, but just remember to always assume he is going to pull a fast one on you and you will be one step ahead. i know that is sad (we had been together 10 years) and cynical, but in my case it has really paid off.

Ironwilledmama - he is round here now, playing and interacting with DS (I am upstairs as cant bear the sight of him and just know I will get snipey as soon as he says anything.......). You wouldn't think that he has wrecked this havoc on our lives....it really does seem to just be like water off a ducks back with him...At least one good thing, DS is spending time with his dad, which is much needed and overdue after he buggered off to his hometown on Thursday afternoon and DS hadn't seen him since that morning. Not a problem ordinarily, but stupid ex's crazy calls night and day have been an 'issue'. DS wont talk on the phone now - to anyone! He did have the cheek to ask if he could come over and take DS to nursery this morning as he would like to see him...didn't bother replying to his text (so, surprise, surprise, get a phonecall at 7.30am instead....). If he misses DS that much then he could have put trip back home off - I cant for the life of me see what the rush is in terms of meeting each others parents (suspect he did this back in early March...), esp, as I have said before, if they are soul-mates, life partners whatever, they have all of eternity/their lives, right?!!! Maybe she is preggers? Or he has proposed....? Nothing would surprise me now to be honest. Also, he has still not bothered to spend 1 days a/l with his son, instead spending it on trips to the US, hometown, wherever....all very sad.

Yes, am learning to accept the tearful bout (or two) and just work on recovering from them, rather than wallowing, or at least, not wallowing for too long. I know its all still very early days, but find that the whole detachment and keeping emotional stuff away from him works best for me in terms of moving on. This time last week, I would have been angrily replying to any email or text he sent me, almost instantly. Now, from experience - and the great advice on here, I am learning to sleep on them or better still ignore them completely....

Downunderdolly - have to say, I would have said the same about my ex (i.e. lovely, nice, generous etc for the past 11 years and then a sudden change), but, at least in my case, I can certainly see where some of these behaviours have played out in our relationship, though obviously, much, much milder. For example, when ex left, one of his parting shots was that he was tired of trying to make me happy because I was so unhappy and that we are all responsible for our own happiness and other stuff (no doubt cribbed from his 'if this was your last day on earth, would you be happy?' shitty book that I found back in Jan, along with photos of the two of them together kissing etc). I then remembered that for a good chunk of our latter years, he used to have a running joke that he was the life and soul of our relationship, how he was always a happy person and I was fundamentally unhappy....as I said, I considered it a bit of a joke and it was something that I never shared with friends, in case they did say, yes, we think you are...anyway, fast forward to post-affair fallout and of course, I get around to asking some friends and they are in complete shock that he has said this - and for so long. I am the one who organised our ENTIRE social life, made friends with anyone and everyone etc and, actually did consider myself to be a happy person.....anyway, sorry, have rambled and probably a bit of a lame example, but I can understand the sudden change in a person that you thought you knew. Totally understand. And ditto about the fairytale romance - I thought the same. I clearly remember someone from our NCT group getting hitched when she found out she was preggers with number 2, to protect herself and jokingly said I should do the same. Of course, I made another joke back that ex and I would be together forever, we didn't need a bit of paper etc....little did I know that me putting on some weight and a young blonde fluttering her eyelids at him would change all that....oh well....!

Defo agree about the whole taking the high road. Made a huge step yesterday and refused to even read an email that he chose to send me at 23.57.....can imagine what mad ramblings and demands he must be making, so still ignoring it.....Good point about the fabulous thoughts! Will implement this from today......need to get thinking...did make it to the gym at lunchtime and did feel pretty good afterwards!

Hope to do a Thomas day over Easter with DS.....there is one locally, so good to hear that they are well worth the effort! I think you are doing so well, esp under such trying circumstances. Keep strong - we will get there!

tomtommum - thanks for posting your story and the positive aspects that are finally with you and your DS. Gosh - does sound like you had it a lot worse than me with being pregnant and then with a young child. As you say, time will heal, as can only imagine throttling ex right now (but daren't as OW will have the police onto me for attacking her man). Yes, have adopted the 'he is a shit, and will get away with the least responsibility, finance support as he can' approach with him...I am hopeful that this will ultimately all have been for the best and that there is something/a much better life out there for DS and I....Excellent twist that the OW emailed you back to agree with you about your ex! Classic....think my ex's OW is also of the (scarily) crazy in love type....that is one thing I do still question today. What the heck does she see in him? Esp given the lies and cheating he has done to be with her....surely she cant be that thick to think that their relationship will be so much better/not blighted by the many 'problems' I bought to the relationship as she knows what bugs ex/that he will continue to treat her like a goddess/princess after '6' months/29 days and counting, whilst he can shit from such an incredible height on his partner of 11 years, mother of this child, and of course his own child??

Oh yes.....quick question....

On way home, met ex in the driveway - he was dressed very casually in like workout gear or similar. Had a mild panic and asked him if he had gone by himself to go and get DS from nursery (had visions of them working out at the gym/swimming - she is into fitness - and then picking up DS and then ex dropping her off at his house round the corner......my imagination can be a bit wild at times!). Anyway, he said no, that 'OW is in [nearby town]'. Now, alarm bells started ringing at this point as the town he mentioned is the same one he mentioned at the start of the drama when he claimed that she lived in [nearby town] and worked in London. As things came out, he told me that she was American, lived in America etc. BUT, now I am thinking - its all a bit of a conincidence isn't it? I accepted what he told me back in Jan as he he prefixed his revelations with 'and this is the whole truth'....of course, he has since lied to me about her/other things since then.....

So, do I bother questioning him about whether she did actually live in [nearby town] for a while, or do I just let sleeping dogs lie and put it down to the fact that (1) he may never tell me the truth, (2) it isn't worth the pain knowing any more details about her/them or (3) just accept that even if he did reveal something extra to me, all it would do in the long run is prove that he is a bigger, lying, cheating scumbag than I thought....

I think the knowledge that they could have met months or even years ago and cultivated a relationship would be galling to say the least. And I know that if someone else was in the same position, I would just say to leave it and move on.....I guess though knowing that she HAS been here before for some period would make it all the more easy to see why she was so quick to move over here (i.e. she has a network of friend already here, its not such a big culture shock/move over here for her etc etc).....

Thoughts? (and thanks in advance)

x

Thoughts?

It doesn't matter. None of the answers to the above are going to help you in the slightest.

Forget the questions, do not destroy your brain cells giving them space!

The man is a liar, a cheat, someone who allowed his family to treat you like a second class citizen and a man who only puts his son first when the ability to get his dick wet doesn't arise.

What more do you really need to know?

I'm with Xales on this Dee, although it is a tough one because I remember wanting to know things like this even though it wouldn't make any difference.

When there has been so much deception, you just want things to be clearer, but I don't want you giving this ego maniac a boost in thinking you care ( I Know, of course you do care, you wouldn't be human if you didn't).

I asked my ex certain things trying to get a timeline etc and he would just say what difference does it make and I remember the aura of smugness about him that he thought I was still interested and I know now from experience that he will have used that to look good with ow. I now wish I didnt ask, I wish I had put on such an act that I wasn't in the slightest interested but it's difficult to act like that in the early months when you are so fragile emotionally.

I really think your getting it with the texting and calling thing, it took me much longer to work out I didn't always have to answer, was a revelation :)

Thanks - you are both right (and deep down I think I knew the answer myself, but just wanted to check for a different perspective as I am so 'in' it at the moment). wont give them headspace....well, will try not to....

Ironwilledmama - get the smugness as well. He just came round to pick up DS for nursery run and as I didn't want to make physical contact with him when handing him a wipe - for him, not DS - he gave this smug cackle and kindly informed me that he didnt have 'cooties'?! Hmmm...who knows what he has seeing as he has denied having unprotected sex with OW from their second time of meeting, cos, you know, love does conquer all and all that (have been checked out)......

Dee, best leave sleeping dogs lie. I still, 7 years on, wonder if he had had, as I still suspect, a fling with a girl we worked with. But he wouldn't have told me then (I did ask some questions to which i got no answers) and it is of no benefit to me asking now.

And as Ironwilledmama says, absolutely the last thing you want to do is give any chance of boosting his ego by thinking you care. I am now very to the point and detached about stuff he tells me to do with himself, his health, his family etc. Deep down I do care about his family, and of course he is the father of my son, but I don't ever want him thinking that - would give him far too much satisfaction.

It's terribly, terribly hard to let go after you have had a long relationship full of love & trust and shared so much, and despite the pain & hurt there is (well, there was for me) some masochistic desire to find out deep down all the gory details. Don't know why, because it really does NOT help !

hang in there, the anger will fade. I know this sounds impossible for you now, but I decided after about a year to forgive him - although i will never ever forget that pain. Why ? Well, I found that the anger was eating me up, I was so bitter, and so full of recrimination, and it just was getting me down. I realised that however sarcastic, incommunicative, unhelpful or distant I was, it wouldn't make any difference to him because he is so self-interested - like water off a duck's back. Instead, it was gnawing away at me. So i stopped. Best thing I ever did (well 2nd best after having plucked up the courage to leave him!).

it's a rocky road of emotion, but you will find an amazing strength in yourself you never knew you had. Keep the moral high-ground as far as is possible, be proud of every little thing you achieve each day and remember to look after yourself too, your DS needs you even if your shit of an ex doesnt and if ever there were a time to keep motivated, it is now for your DS's sake.

take care.xx

Pmsl re " Aura of smugness"
I agree will only make him more self important.
I will never find out the facts of my Xs social life,but I did find out he is a complete and utter selfish arse and that's all I needed to know.he left a voicemail last night calling me a c*.I didn't reply ,just thought it really doesn't help the situation does it.never mind maybe one day he will work out I no longer tolerate his abuse,maybe not ......

Loved ur post tom ,so true ,my new life is happier because I learned to let go of the hurt x

thanks, Patience. my one regret is that mumsnet wasn't around, or at least I wasn't aware of it then. I had so much support from some amazing friends and family at the time everything went wrong so was very lucky, but sometimes it is just great to be able to share things with people in a totally different way like this chat - this is SO great.

I was very very angry for a long time but def a huge aim for me was to find peace after such an experience and I was always working thru each emotion that I felt. Feel it ,embrace it then move on from it,leave it behind u don't have to re energize bad experiences again ,better to leave it behind than to keep torturing urself for years to come.

Well, I didn't see the big old fool tonight, so that gave me an even greater incentive not to ask any silly questions. He did call, but told him DS was watching ITNG and he at last seems to be getting the hint in terms of the phone calls.....probably even more so as DS just shouted 'no,no!' as I proffered the phone to him....

So will stick to the no asking questions thing to complement my new and improved (and very much WIP) detachment state of mind (still not read that email he sent on Sunday - in fact, have deleted it from BB email).

Ex is back to his (dodgy) ways of leaving messages on my phone (calling when he is not supposed to, or earlier than he says he will, so ignore the phone, or we are out and about) asking how am I and how is DS? Also, lots of 'hope you are both well' and sounding quite chipper. The git. I am under no illusion he is most likely only giving it all that to make a good impression on the OW.....pretty much like the expensive overnight spa gift for mothers day that he went on about that never materialised or was mentioned again once I said that I would prefer an 'open' voucher rather than giving him dates when I could go for him to book! Dont get me wrong, dont want it, but it is just so typical of ex......

His sister (quite nice - think I have mentioned before?) sent me a text as thanks for the birthday gifts I sent up on behalf of DS and I for her boys birthday, which was on Sunday when ex and OW were up there having nice family time. I know she is not to blame for what ex has done, but I just cant face texting her back at the moment....she sent me a couple of photos of the boys today (text was yesterday) so feel that she is trying to reach out to me. I do want to maintain some distance for my own sanity though, but also think about DS' needs and family ties. But then, I think about them all having a nice family birthday party up there with OW and no DS (DS has no other cousins and there is 9 months between DS and the boys) and it just eats me up.... .

tomtommum - thank-you! Funnily enough, ex was going on just last week (when OW had taken up residence in his house) about how his 'cough' had developed into a sinus infection....he left that hanging in the air, just ignored him....am hoping that someday I will be able to do the forgiveness thing, though not even thinking about that now, but, yes, I so do not want the anger to overcome me in the long run and agree with Patiences view about basically respecting that anger or the place it comes from I guess, for that moment, day etc but then letting it go....that will be my biggest challenge I think, though as everyone has told me, it does seem to get easier day by day. Nowadays, I am not nearly as consumed with questions (for myself, for him, for everyone really) about WHY he did this and trying to find justification for his actions. Though I can be suspect to the odd moment of wallowing or, yes, wanting to pore over every detail or titbit of information about him/her/them....but it is becoming far and few between (I think!)......

ps: Patience - glad to hear that things are getting better for you and your dc's.....

Thanks Dee ,enforced peace due to no contact but won't last forever ,waiting to hear from my lawyer today re having to accept abusive phonecalls .just not answering my phone to him anymore.read an article today that agreed better for kids to come from one parent family than live with an anti social abusive father,so that helps me a bit.Just don't ever want to see the guy again .

Patience, I don't think it is a question of legal opinion, there is NO way you should have to accept abusive phone calls. Having just googled harrassment i expect your lawyer will tell you something like this:
Protection from Harassment Act 1997
Under this Act, it is now an offence for a person to pursue a course of action which amounts to harassment of another individual, and that they know or ought to know amounts to harassment. Under this act the definition of harassment is behaviour which causes alarm or distress. This Act provides for a jail sentence of up to six months or a fine. There are also a variety of civil remedies that can be used including awarding of damages, and restraining orders backed by the power of arrest.

I have no legal experience, but on a purely human level I reckon for sure that his abusive phonecalls cause both alarm and distress.....

and yes, you are without doubt right that a one parent family is better for the kids than one where they witness abuse between adults, whether it be physical or verbal.

hang in there, and enjoy some peace.
x

Spoke to lawyer and they r sending him a letter saying everything is to be done by text now only visits need to be discussed.hurrah I never need to answer the phone to the guy again.
3 mth period to see if he sees them on a Sunday.If he doesn't i am within my rights to say visits aren't in the kids interests at this time.
Thanks tom,instinctively I was sticking to my guns anyway but interesting to hear lawyers pov.all I ask is I am treated respectfully as dcs mother and he pays agreed maintenance and sees kids once a week as agreed.He can opt out but pay maintenance all I know is I have jumped off his crazy train once and for all x

Patience - you have done fantastically well given what your ex has put you and your DCs through...as always, I really do struggle to understand how the promise of someone new to have a 'cuddle' with can make these men (and women) behave the way they do.....good to hear that the detachment is going well too (though sorry to hear about the phonecalls)....

Not much to report from me, mainly as am trying hard to stick to the detachment thing. I do feel so much better for it, so am determined to work at it (thats another thing I didn't really appreciate - that its something I need to work at, all the time). Have not risen to his chirpy calls asking me how I am (purleese!) and if I have had a nice day.....nor his sarky moods (he alternates between the two states it seems). Funnily enough, he didnt bother to phone yesterday evening - not even as much as a text message to see how DS was. Good for me of course, but it just gets my goat that he can play all this double standards/good daddy crap when he wants to.....he came round this morning and as per detachment didnt ask him why he didn't call (didn't want a call, but was curious as hell to know why he hadn't done so....then realised that I didn't really give a fuck). Was hoping for a phone call free evening, but he called....and so the cycle begins again - for the next few days only. Once the OW has gone, plan to have a chat with him and plan out how DS will transition to sleeping at his house between now and July when OW moves over here. I am resigned to this now - much more so than a few weeks ago as I know deep down in my heart that I could never take ex back after what he has done and put me through, despite some RL people telling me 'never say never' - unfortunately, they are the ones that have had the sanitised version of ex's behaviour, so can understand their reasoning in a way....

Caught up on FB with the wife of one of ex's old work colleagues. Her hubby knew nothing about the whole cheating thing - just that we had split up, and that he only sussed due to change in ex's status...of course, my idle brain went into overdrive thinking all about this FB nonsense and trying to work out when he got involved in it...only in so much as that I suspect he has had a FB page for a while, never told me about it, and when he came 'clean' to me in Jan about OW, decided to update his relationship status etc....BUT, as I have been told a million times on here (thats a nice dig ), I need to ditch those thoughts and questions...

Have a weekend of highs and lows to look forward to..as stupid ex is here and OW is still here (she goes back on Sunday), I basically will have to traipse around with ex whilst he takes DS out and about as dont trust him to not introduce DS to her this time. He has already asked me once and sent me a terse email before she arrived, singing her plaudits and telling me to get my head around the fact that they will meet sooner rather than later....I probably sound like a loon, but how the hell am I supposed to trust him??? I think that will be the hardest thing when it comes to handing over DS to him...I dont think he would let DS come to any harm intentionally, but I fear the power that this womans vajayjay has over ex at the moment......

So highs and lows all round!!

My goodness Dee, I think you need to write about a book about your experiences, to encourage others who, sadly, experience the same thing. I think it's amazing that you are absorbing the fact that OW will meet DS at some stage - a few weeks ago and you wouldn't have been able to contemplate it at all. Well done girl, you are an inspiration

NOt sure why ex has to be in your house though - is it because OW is here? As for having to traipse around with him all afto, that sounds a bit grim. But then, I remember in particular hospital visits (nice and relaxed then - NOT) - ds had a worrying medical problem - and us going together for all the world like we were a happy family

Keep going Dee, you are doing marvellously

who put that extra 'about' in there..

[the about troll, obviously]

springydaffs! - Hello! I did feel like a bit of a loon as I sat at a distance from where ex and DS were at the soft play place, though I did take lots of trashy mags and a good book, so kept myself occupied! Yep, he was in the house for his time with DS as he would normally take him to his, but said no way, seeing as she was here....Yes, an unfortunate fact about DS meeting her at some point.....though some friends have been suggesting that I actually meet OW when she moves over here in July!!! A few months ago, I would have baulked at the idea! Still not quite there yet, but July gives me a couple of months...still feel yucky just thinking about her spending time with DS....

Anyway, a quick summary of what the idiot has been up to in the last few days..

1. Discovered that he has had his FB page for much longer than I was aware of. Seems it was around summer last year or earlier. This of course raises my suspicions about EVERYTHING last year (before he confession about meeting her in Oct - hmmmm - he had trips to China*, more to San Fran and across the UK). It also makes me re-call one of his laments about how he wish he could 're-do last year' rather than 're-do last few months'.....going to stop thinking about it (or at least try to) and wont be asking him any questions as, as has been said on here, it wont bring me any answers....

• On his China work trip, he got on so well with his team (he was there for a course/presentation) that there was talk of a reunion when they all came back. I actually encouraged this as he seemed to have dropped a lot of his social life as mentioned before.....but it never happened as the other folk didn't seem that interested in the end (and yes, there were women on that trip/part of his team).

1. Yesterday, he came round to see DS and we were upstairs (he was staying with DS as I was going out). DS jumped into my bed (bedroom door wide open) and started saying Daddy's bed! Stupid ex then encouraged DS by saying 'yes, Daddy's bed!! Should Daddy lie there?'...I put them both right by saying, 'no, Mummy's bed', gave ex a glare and herded them out of the room (it is DS' habit to jump into my bed whenever - which is fine....just hate having ex there and he is not allowed in my bedroom as he well knows....).

1. Opps - just seen the time! Back later....

Put a lock on the door. If he is staying there while you are out he does not need access to that room.

Or buy a few pairs of decent male undies, scrunch them so they don't look brand new and pop them on the side/in a draw and see how long it takes him to comment

Dee34, you are doing ever so well.

I would suggest keeping contact to OW to minimum in July. If you do decide to meet her, just get your point across and walk away, keeping conversation as short as possible.

Your ex is a tw*t, and no doubt she is horrid too, and will upset you. You are so much better than both of them.

Keep strong.

Am back.......

So, no progress on the FB thing as just decided to let it lie in the end. I did hear from another mutual work friend (the hazards of having worked at the same place for x number of years!) who said that ex had sent him a text saying that we had had an amicable split and that we had agreed that it was best for our DS!! That really got me, as it seems he is really going out of his way (ex sent the text!) to make it seem like I am equally (or even more than him) to blame for his leaving/us splitting....it is just so gutless and spineless and makes me see him for the completely pathetic person he has become. I did dither about whether to say anything to him (he was picking DS up from nursery and brought him round here) and decided I would just calmly tell him to stop covering up and man up to his actions. Of course, after I said my peace (very calmly) he wanted to know who said what, blah, blah....just walked away from the situation....so glad that I said my piece, but think I could have just kept sthum and let him keep digging himself deeper into his hole to America (or should that be hole of America? )......

Not much else to report - went to counselling and counsellor said she thought the person sitting opposite her was miles away from the person who first rolled up several weeks ago....(I do actually cringe when I think of some of the things I did and said back in the early days, such as begging for him to come back, giving him another chance, just for him to throw it back in my face, listening to his lies about taking time out for himself with no contact from her and thats just the tip of the iceberg....so much other crap that I dont/didn't have the stomach or energy to go into on here, or in RL in some cases). Though of course, went and had a wobble today in the supermarket seeing everyone stocking up for the BH weekend and thinking that in the 'old' days we would have been planning a break or days out....but then thought that actually, it would have been me planning and skivvying around doing everything whilst ex just sat there and moaned/checked his phone/acted grouchy...so not too bad?! Plus, DS and I are off to a Thomas day tomorrow (thanks for the recommendation downunderdolly!!) and then an easter egg hunt on Sunday with some friends.....it is strange part of me wants to tell ex what we are doing to see if gets a reaction from him as in 'oh, wish I was there' or to trigger some remorse (very thin on the ground at the best of times!), but then I dont want to share my time with DS with him (is that mean of me?)...

Oh and had another attempted 'kiss' situation. Was angling for a kiss from resistant DS and ex leant in for one saying 'shall I kiss mummy?'....can guess what my reaction to that was and the look I gave him (was in the presence of DS, so not rising to his crap to get a reaction from me).....

He does still seem hellbent on this chosen path, which is frustrating only in so much as I thought he would be properly regretting his actions now...NOT so I could take him back with open arms, but I just really want a genuine 'sorry' and acknowlegement from him of what he has done, rather than lumbering all the blame at my door....again, a bit weird, as shouldn't really focus on this I know....

Think this weekend may be hard with the whole family emphasis....

Xales - hadn't thought about a lock....yes, will look into it! I really dont think that ex sees me in 'that' way in terms of arousing suspicion/interest in my activities, though will keep it in mind when the zumba and gym starts paying off and I drop last couple of dress sizes!

Thanks ohhlaalaa - yes, have a few months to decide and would agree about keeping contact to a minimum as she is obviously as loopy as ex (if she is such a nice person, how come she didn't stop ex in his tracks when/if he suggested going up to see his folks a few weekends ago?!). But, as I have learnt to my cost, ex very clearly sees OW as a princess who can do no wrong and is worth all this destruction and cost (emotional and financial) and I am the devil incarnate him/herself......very weird to get my head around at times, esp as we have known each other for 11 years and they have been 'together' since Oct 10.....astounding really.....